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Tuesday, July 9, 2013 Another legendary performance from the Ed Sullivan stage.
Show #3875
Adam Sandler, and Joseph Arthur.
PLUS: Snowden at the Airport; How Osama Got Away; a Moment with Spitzer; Tony Doodles, a Top Ten List; and Alan Throws a Clambake.

" . . . and now, the man who put the 'bop' in the bop shoo bop shoo bop . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "The new Twinkies last 45 days instead of 22. That's longer than a Kardashian marriage."
- "The longest-lasting Twinkie is still Kelly Ripa."
- "Today is OJ Simpson's birthday." (Were you playing ahead? You should know the joke that's coming) He sliced his birthday cake, then, out of habit, he hid the knife."

During the pre-show Q&A, a guy in the audience quizzed Dave about Montenegro. From what I gathered while running around is the guy knew little about the country himself. Dave references the guy and Montenegro throughout the night.
You're only encouraging them, Dave, you're only encouraging them.
NSA whistleblower Edward Snoden is apparently still stuck in Moscow at the airport. It's a difficult situation, but today he did get a piece of good news. We take a look at this photo.
We see a heavier Edward Snowden who has been named "Moscow Airport Cinnabon Customer Of The Month." Congratulations, Edward.
Hey, how about this? The United States offers him asylum . . . .
What's that? Dave sees something odd among Tony's cue cards. We cut to Tony who is holding a caricature of Dave golfing.
TONY: "I drew a picture of you golfing. What do you think?"
DAVE: "It's nice, but I don't really play golf."
TONY: "What do you do?"
DAVE: "None of your business."
Tony begins to rant in Spanish. Paul jumps in with his "Tony Rant In Spanish" music. Tony then gives the "CUT" sign to Paul and the band. Tony didn't exit because we still had more jokes to get to.

According to newly released documents, Osama bin Laden was nearly discovered in Pakistan during a traffic stop back in 2003. The Pakistani police have released this archival footage of the fateful afternoon. We take a look.
We see the police officer approach the car.
COP: "License and registration, please."
OBL: "Sure thing, officer."
COP: "And what's your name?"
OBL: "Osama bin . . . . Johnson."
Osama then floors it to escape the suspicious cop. The cop runs to his car to give chase. Never got him.

And now, a few moments with New York City Comptroller, Eliot Spitzer. We watch a clip of stuff the prostitute-chasing pol should probably avoid saying, such as: Huge/Enormous/Massive/Nuts/Big/Bigger/Larger/Too big/Thrusting/It goes deeper than that/As thick as a rhinoceros/As thick as a rhinoceros/As thick as a rhinoceros/I think Dick is on to something."
This is where I'm different from politicians . . . if I was discovered doing what he was doing . . . . keeping my black socks on while cavorting with prostitutes . . . I'd go so far underground you would never see me again. Politicians don't have that gene. They are missing something, like a sense of shame.

ACT 2:
Sitting in tonight once again for Will Lee is Neil Jason.

Dave can't help but notice that there is something odd about Alan. Dave tries to go on with what we have planned but Alan's Elvis-like get-up is too distracting. Dave asks, "Alan, what is going on?"
ALAN: "What's going on? . . . we're having a clambake!" Alan, in black hair, bright red pants and shirt, with a white denim jacket, jumps from his perch and makes his way over the a beach-scene set up at center stage. Alan hops in the lifeguard chair and some teens dance and prance in beachwear. Paul and the band chime in with Elvis' "Clambake." Alan sings "Clambake."
ALAN: "Hey, listen world, you've gottta know,
I'm cutting loose and lettin' go.
Who needs the worry and the strife,
Life can be a ball now just followin' my life.
Clambake, gonna have a clambake.
Clambake, gonna have a clambake."

Chorus: "Momma's little baby loves clambake, clambake,
Momma's little baby loves clambake, too.
Momma's little baby loves clambake, clambake
Momma's little baby loves clambake, too.

Clambake!"


Dave doesn't know quite what to say. I suggest the next time Dave sees Alan dressed in a peculiar fashion, just let it go. Just let it go.

During the commercial break leading into the ACT 2, Alan Kalter had to go through a quick costume change backstage. What I saw made me think it was like a final pit stop at the Indianapolis 500.

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: GOLDEN CORRAL EXCUSES - Did you see the video of a Florida Golden Corral hiding uncovered food outside by the dumpster during a food health inspection? We got the clip. Here are some of their excuses.
9. "Cows are out in the sun all day . . . what's the difference?"
8. "This is why we're not Platinum Corral."
3. "Judgment impaired after eating tainted meat."
2. "The deal was: We serve $4 steaks, you don't ask any questions."

ADAM SANDLER
Adam enters wearing the very popular checkered short-sleeved buttoned shirt. Somehow, this style has become very "in" this year. Why? Who makes it so? I was going to go to K-Mart last week to pick up a few of my own but decided to wait until after the 4th of July when the sales hit.
Adam is in the new sequel, "Grown Ups 2." We see a photo of Adam from his high school days. He has a big 'fro. That particular 'fro had a name around these parts back in the day. Adam says he swore he looked good back then. It was from the early 80s. Ahh, the early 80s. That was about the time I first discovered Adam Sandler on the very funny quiz show "Remote Control" on MTV. Anyway, Adam wasn't crazy about his 'fro and wanted it straightened. He went to the drugstore and picked up some relaxer. It was to straighten his 'fro. Like a typical teen, Adam used it without reading the directions. He smothered his scalp with the relaxer and waited. Seconds later his head was burning. Again, like a typical guy teen, he decided to fight through it without doing anything. He eventually washed it out and his hair was like Crystal Gale. Straight and long to the small of his back. (Was I the only one who loved his "Crystal Gale" reference?) He then went to the high school basketball game to show it off. It was mostly met with, "What the hell is that?"
Did the straightener last? Yeah, but only to the end of the game. The gym was hot and poofed up his hair in no time.

Adam and the family are just back from a safari in Africa. Adam returned with scratches on his back and neck. We take a look at a clip to see how that happened. While scooping some water into his hands to feed a cheetah, the cheetah leapt onto his back. I don't know what Adam said, but I would have said, "No water for you!"

Adam's new film, "Grown Ups 2" opens Friday, co-starring with Chris Rock, David Spade, Salma Hayek Pinault, and Kevin James.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Dave's got the show you want tomorrow with guests Salma Hayek Pinault, Tony Hale, and Houndmouth. It you experience sound or picture problems, please notify the projectionist."

ACT 6:
Time now for a message from Late Show Strike Captain Bill Scheft.
Bill energetically enters and takes his place centerstage.
BILL: "Hello, I'm Late Show Strike Captain Bill Scheft. Eliot Spitzer has announced he is running for New York City Comptroller. This, coupled with Anthony Weiner's bid for New York City Mayor is very good news. For me. I'm a comedy writer. Look, it's summer, it's hot, people are tired. They're cranky. No one cares. Most of you people watching now are half-asleep or gooned up on pills. Spitzer and Weiner have made my job a hell of a lot easier. On behalf of me and comedy writers everywhere, thank you. Now, it you'll excuse me, I have to catch the Jitney." Bill waves and exits. Dave calls him back for a bow. Bill does the familiar run on, hesitation, then a deep bow. He points to Dave before exiting. Nice job, Bill. It was right out of the central casting playbook.

Ahh, remember the writers' strike? I think the person who benefitted most from that was Nikki Finke.

ACT 7:
JOSEPH ARTHUR
From his CD, "The Ballad of Boogie Christ," Joseph Arthur performed "It's OK to Be Young Before Long." I liked it. I checked what I wrote the last time he was here and I liked that, too. These 55-year-old ears don't like too much of today's music, but I like the Joseph Arthur. I'm not sure if that's a good thing for him or not. I'll be giving Joseph Arthur some more listening.

And that was our show for Tuesday July 9, 2013.

Yes, the Golden Corral clip was a huge embarrassment for the restaurant. The manager was subsequently fired. But whoever was in charge of keeping the dumpster area clean deserves a promotion. I don't think I've ever seen a cleaner dumpster area. It was almost clean enough to store food!

I don't mind jaywalkers. It's a way of life here in New York City. It's a necessity. But I don't like it when jaywalkers infringe on my right-of-way while I'm in the car. Go ahead and cross against the light. Fine. But don't make me pay for your indiscretion. Don't make me wait for you when it is you who is in the wrong. Yesterday, I was at a red light waiting for the green. As I sat at the red, I can see the reflection of the green light change to yellow on the traffic light going the other way. I know my green is seconds away. I also see a guy with his phone up to his ear begin his walk against the "No Walk" sign. He'll be in the middle of the street in front of me when I get my green. This happens quite often and I like to jump my car just a bit to startle the distracted, unaware, brain-dead ped. When my light turned green, I tap my gas pedal and the car leaps one-foot. The guy jumped back and let out a yelp. Sweet. I figured it woke him up and just maybe saved his life in the future. I hoped it made him aware of how dangerous his actions could be to himself. I made a right turn and waited for the next red light to turn green. As I waited, the same guy came up to my car window, passenger-side, and gave me the finger, wailing that I almost ran him over. I shouted back that I should have run him over and that he needs to wake up. This is New York City. We exchanged some "F-yous" and he was off. As he walked away, I noticed he walked with a knock-kneed, inverted bow-leg. This comforted me, knowing that I could beat him up in a fistfight if it ever came to that. Yes, I knew it would never come to that but I like to pretend to myself such things. Bow-legged guys are a lot tougher than the knock-kneed. I was happy to see him turn right at the corner because I was turning right, too. As I passed him, I yelled out, "Hang up your phone and wake up!" I added an expletive but can't remember which one I used. By this time I was just doing this for my own enjoyment. He shot me back the finger, which hurt me deeply. He then pretended the need for a morning coffee and turned into a deli. I made note of the time of the altercation and hope to be at the corner again tomorrow at the same time. I would like to make this a weekly event. I'll keep you informed of any new developments.
I know one of these days I'll unfortunately mess with a Bernie Goetz-type . . . . some eyeglass-wearing, big Adam's Appled ecto who will have an equalizer in his back pocket. Until then, I'll continue to yell at people from the inside of my safely locked car.

Time once again for "This Date in Cameo Mention History."
JULY 9, 2001 - Cameo Mention: Doug Schorzman and Jeff Rubin.
This concludes another installment of "This Date in Cameo Mention History"

The Wahoo Gazette - a blog before there was the word "blog".

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Ramapo Senior High school alum and a graduate of the Iona Gaels, it's Joseph P. Cullen.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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