Salma Hayek Pinault, Tony Hale, and Houndmouth.
PLUS: “The View”; what a comptroller does; Animals Behaving Like People; and a Top Ten list.
“ . . . and now, currently under construction . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
-“Osama bin Laden was pulled over for speeding in Pakistan but not picked up by the Pakistani police. In fact, his last words when Seal Team 6 showed up were, ‘Is this about the speeding ticket?’
Dave welcomes everyone to Late Show #5. During the pre-show Q&A, a guy was wearing a Late Show t-shirt who said he bought it the last time he was here . . . during the 5th Late Show at CBS.
Did you hear Elizabeth Hasselback is leaving “The View”? It’s starting to look bleak over there. Hopefully they won’t ruin the winning formula they have over there. Did you see the show today? We take a look.
We see a clip of the Fab 5 cackling and talking over one another without listening. In fact, that’s the way I watch the show . . . . without listening.
Good luck, Eliot Spitzer in his run for New York City Comptroller. It’ll make our job here a lot easier if he gets in, no pun intended. It seems whenever you say anything about Eliot Spitzer, you can finish with “no pun intended.” But what does a comptroller do? We take a look at this to help explain.
ART CARD: "Understanding the Office of Comptroller."
ANNOUNCE: "The New York City comptroller has a range of duties, including:
-Issuing repormpts on the city’s ecompomy
-Auditing the performpance of city agempcies
-Overmpseeing public emploympees pemption fumpds
ANNOUNCE: “Thanks for wamptching.”
There’s a new video that has gone viral on the web. It shows a bear standing up and opening a car door. It’s inspired this new segment of animals manifesting human behavior.
ART CARD: ANIMALS BEHAVING LIKE PEOPLE
ANNOUNCE: "Opening a car door." We see a bear standing and opening a car door.
"Riding a bicycle." We see a dog riding a bicycle.
“Smoking” – we see Arnold Schwarzenegger smoking a weed stick
Oh, we are so sophisticated. Our supposed most wise and upper-echelon states in the U.S. . . . California and New York . . . had Schwarzenegger and Eliot Spitzer as governors at the same time. We are just so smart, so much smarter than you fly-overs!
TOP TEN: LOWEST RATED ESPN PROGRAMS – ESPN programming has dropped 32% over the past year – I read where they are blaming it on the other-wise unsexy NBA semifinal between Oklahoma City and Memphis Grizzlies Western Conference Finals vs. the 2012 Celtics/Heat Eastern Finals.
10. “Mike & Mike In The Shower”
5. “World Series of Shuffling” - hey, that’s Walter Kim! Yes . . . reuse, recycle, reduce.
SALMA HAYEK PINAULT
She’s in the “Grown Ups 2.” The first “Grown Ups” made over $300 million. Salma is from Mexico and now lives mostly in Paris, France. That’s what I want. I want to be so rich I can say I “mostly” live somewhere. Her husband is a business man who made Salma’s dress. I’m a businessman, too, in the business of “ME.” Unfortunately, business isn’t so good right now.
Salma got her start at 18-ish doing theater in Mexico. Not until her cue in her performance did she realize she had stage fright. She ran out the door when cued and had to be retrieved. During her performance, there was an explosion the left the lead actor’s face burned and scarred. So her stage fright, I guess, was called for.
Salma is the mom of a 5-year-old daughter who speaks Spanish, English, and French. Wow. Impressive. I am jealous due to my sometimes battle with fluency. You may not know this about me but English is my second language. Yes. I don’t have a first.
Salma’s daughter knows the Mexico National Anthem, the French National Anthem, but not so much the United States American Anthem. Salma is familiar with it just from hearing the anthem during televised sporting events, which was watched 24/7 by the lead actors on “Grown Ups” and “Grown Ups 2.” We lower the American flag behind the desk and Salma sings the anthem, the first such singing of the anthem here on our stage since Kelsey Grammer (January 30, 1995; Show #314)
“Grown Ups 2” – it opens this Friday. Unfortunately, in the film, I don’t think she gets to wash the car.
“We’ve got the stuff tomorrow, with Dave and his guests Kevin James, Shaun White, and Darius Rucker. Stay with us for more gift ideas for the hard-to-please hypochondriacs.”
Earlier, Dave was wondering what the colors of the American flag symbolized. He thought the red on the flag commemorated the blood shed on the battle field in the fight for our freedom. I thought so, too, but apparently we were wrong. I gave a quick search and found this:
-The stripes represent the 13 original colonies.
-The 50 stars represent the number of states.
-Red: symbolizes Hardiness and Valor.
-White symbolizes Purity and Innocence.
-Blue represents Vigilance, Perseverance, and Justice.
From HBO’s “Veep” and Netflix “Arrested Development.” Dave is a big fan of his work and only hopes the best success in his future. His work makes Dave happy. Tony’s characters tend to be neurotic and anxiety-filled. Tony says that’s pretty much him. How great is that?! He’s an actor and he doesn’t even have to act!
Tony says he’s not very good at watching scary movies. Most people can watch and then leave it behind at the theater. Tony can’t. He’ll watch a scary movie and then “take it home” with him. A saw is no longer just a saw, but a weapon that could be used to kill his family. A kitchen knife, same thing. It makes for much anxiety for him and those who have to live with him. Not sure if this is a family trait but he and his wife gave their daughter a stuffed animal for Easter and the 7-year-old immediately named it “Crucifixion.”
Hey, Tony, don’t give your daughter a stuffed animal on the Immaculate Conception.
Is that even a joke? It makes no sense, but I was desperate for an out.
“Veep” – with Julia Louis-Dreyfus – Season 3 begins next year on the HBO.
“Arrested Development” – the entire Season 4 is now on NetFlix.
From their album, “From the Hills Below the City,” Houndmouth performed an enjoyable “Ludlow.”
And that was our show for Wednesday, July 10, 2013.
I’m surprised I didn’t know what the colors of the flag represented. I thought it was for blood. And then I figured Dave and I was mistaking the American Flag with a barber’s pole. Barbers once did surgery and tooth extraction.
Red: represents arterial blood
Blue: symbolic of venous blood
White: depicts the bandage.
Yeah, that’s it. We got the flag and a barber’s pole mixed up. Happens all the time. I’m embarrassed to admit how many times I’ve stopped in front of a barber shop and pledged my allegiance.
So, do you remember Late Show #5?
Friday, September 3, 1993.
-“Beginning on Labor Day weekend, which means tomorrow Jerry Lewis puts the first coat of shellac on his head.”
-“Peace talks. Israel will recognize the PLO if Yasir Arafat will recognize shampoo.”
-Fun with The Car Phone – 3 times
-Top Ten: Numbers From One to Ten with Casey Kasem
-Debra Winger – guest – strips off her coat and runs out in her Wonder Girl costume.
-Soul Asylum – sings “Black Gold.”
-Casey Kasem closes with “I keep my feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.”
My jay-walking tale of yesterday reminded me of a story. I was in Phoenix, Arizona traveling/observing a tour with a Phoenix cop. Believe me, it wasn’t my idea. I somehow got bamboozled into spending a shift with one of Phoenix’s finest. He had to drop something off at court and so we made a quick stop. We parked, got out, and came to a street corner. I looked left, I looked right, I looked all around and there wasn’t a car to be seen in any direction. I stepped off the curb towards the courthouse and the Phoenix cop grabbed my arm and lectured, “We don’t jaywalk here.” We waited for nothing to pass until the light turned. And then we crossed.
This is all I know about Phoenix: it’s hot, and the cops don’t jaywalk.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Happy Birthday, Boston Bill, Bill Emswiler. We are less without you.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
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