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Monday, July 15, 2013 Big-time action star Bruce Willis rides all the way across Broadway to get to Dave.
Show #3878
Bruce Willis, Bud Selig, and Valerie Simpson.
PLUS: Janet Napolitano's Greatest Moments; Shifty-Eyed Little Weasel; and the Late Show Hose Cam.

" . . . . and now, ready to rock the Plaza . . . . . . David Letterman!!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
:
-"So hot today, Joey Chestnut ate 69 Dove Bars."

Director of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano announced she's resigning to pursue other opportunities. We thought it might be nice to look back at her greatest moments.
ART CARD: "JANET NAPOLITANO'S GREATEST MOMENTS."
We see footage of some her better speeches. And then we see her in the "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling."

Time now for the "Shifty-Eyed Little Weasel" of the night.
We watch a clip from CNBC, a 3, maybe 4-way, split-screen. One of the guys is shifting his eyes up and down, left to right, and all over. Oh, he's hiding something, all right. I'd keep an eye on him, a still-eye.

ACT 2:
HOT! It's going to be hot all week here in New York City, the northeast, the Ohio Valley, and the Great Lakes region. Something to do with a slow moving high pressure. Time for the Late Show Hose Cam! It's 95 degrees outside with just a wisp of breeze. We turn on the camera and you can tell it's hot just by the slow-moving, oppressed and depressed pedestrians. Dave offers a spritz but few are willing. It's a typical New York reaction. We've learned to always ignore someone who offers a free spritz. Better to just keep walking. Dave attempts to lure the hot dog vendor into the stream of spray. We go to a break and then bribe the guy to pretend it's a good idea to get spritzed.

ACT 3:
Back from commercial, Dave pleads with the hot dog vendor to roll his place of business onto the target area, the manhole cover on the sidewalk at the corner of 53rd and B'way.
With no sense of hurry, the hot dog vendor pushes his occupation to the target. Dave turns on the spray and cools the gentleman. I laughed when Dave asked, "Are you selling a lot of red-hots on a day like this?"

How long until someone slaps some logo or advertisement on the manhole cover for some free publicity during Hose Cam week. And, yes, I believe this will be a week of the Hose Cam. The weather isn't going anywhere for a while.

BRUCE WILLIS
Dave introduces Bruce, but there's no Bruce. Hello, Bruce? Bruce, are you there? He's not at the guest entrance, but we do find him outside kicking a guy off one of the "free" CitiBikes to ride it into the theater from under the marquee. I'm not sure if this saved him much time or energy. Would have been just as easy to amble in on his own. What impressed me most was that Bruce was wearing a suit! I'll have to check to see the last time Bruce was here in a suit. (Actually, I don't have to check that at all, and I probably won't.)
Bruce is always very busy. His one daughter, Scout, just graduated from Brown University. His youngest, Mabel, is a mere 16 months old. And yet, Bruce has found the time to get behind a new pharmaceutical, CeleBruce. Bruce holds up a huge jar of CeleBruce pills. The meds promise to make you look better, tighten your skin, whiten your teeth, become a kinder person, and have people like you more. Dave says he could probably use a mouthful right now. Some side effects include tingling and balding.

In addition to his new film, "RED 2," Bruce also made a cameo appearance on the new CBS hit miniseries, "Under The Dome." We see a clip. Bruce isn't inside the dome, but the homeowner on just the other side of the dome. He isn't too pleased since it will likely lower his property value. Plus, the dome smashed right through his watermelon garden. Oh, the luck. We were also able to get hold of some outtakes bloopers of his appearance on "Under the Dome." We take a look at this. We see an angry Bruce outside his house. He is waving a hammer threatening to break down the dome. He swings his hammer at the dome . . . . and the plexi-glass smashes into pieces. Not what they had in mind. It couldn't be included in the show, unless it was the final episode.

"RED 2" – stands for "Retired Extremely Dangerous." It's a bang bang, shoot ‘em up, lots of fun action thriller starring Bruce, John Makcovich, Helen Mirren, Catherine Zeta Jones, and Mary Louise Parker, and Anthony Hopkins. It opens this Friday. Go for the movie. Go for the air conditioner.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE:

"Make it back here tomorrow as Dave welcomes Bill Maher, Pokey LaFarge, and Dock Diving Dogs. Attention Late Show Viewers: Lifeboat drill in fifteen minutes. Attendance is mandatory."

ACT 6:
BUD SELIG

The commissioner of Major League Baseball. Bud says he played some baseball as a kid, but then met the curveball. That ended his playing days. Dave gets right into it. Just today, we learned that a slew of track and field athletes tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. We know of the use in Tour de France bicycling. There is an on-going investigation into PED use in baseball with suspensions probably imminent. Why not just make it legal? Because it affects the play on the field and that is not what baseball is about. Bud says the fight against performance enhancing drugs is in the best interest of baseball and it is simply the right thing to do. It's unfair to those who don't use PEDs and gives the users an unfair advantage. But it's natural for a professional athlete to look for any edge he can. He will often do whatever's necessary to make himself or herself better to best the competition. (It was the whole campaign pitch put out by Wheaties, right?) And if baseball didn't do anything, it would place a stain on the sport. Dave wonders if baseball team owners turned a blind eye on the use of PEDs. Mr. Selig explains that today's owners are vehemently against the drug use. It's not good for the purity of the game. And progress is being made. In the past year, there were 4,200 players tested for PEDs in the Big Leagues and only 7 came up positive.

A-Rod? What's his future with the Yankees? Mr. Selig says the investigation is ongoing and won't say anything about it at the moment. How many other players are under investigation? How many suspensions does he expect? Selig again says he can't comment and won't comment.
Changing directions, Dave recalls his days in Los Angeles and listening to Vin Scully do the Dodger games. Dave says there is no one better; he's the gold standard. Dave includes Dick Enberg. Bud agrees, and he includes one of his old time favorites, Bob Prince of the Pittsburgh Pirates. I was hoping Dave would ask the Commissioner if he could do something about the abominable Yankees radio broadcasting team but Dave held his tongue. Instead, Dave lamented watching a recent game where right in the middle of the action, our attention was directed to a female reporter interviewing some fans in the outfield relaxing in a hot tub . . . during the game! Yes, the TV people do this because they don't trust the game. They don't think the game is exciting enough to keep the people watching. My suggestion is that each game should be shown on two channels; one for the die-hards who only want the game, and another for the quasi-fan who needs bells and whistles to keep entertained. But that'll likely never happen. At least years ago the radio and TV signals were in synch so you could watch a game and listen to the radio team. Now, either the TV or the radio is on delay and so we're stuck with who they offer.

The 84th Major League All-Star Game – action begins Tuesday at 7:30 EST on the FOX. The first pitch is probably about an hour later. They'll be filling the time interviewing fans in a hot tub.

Before saying good night, Dave recalls some of his All-Star memories. He brings back the famous collision at home plate between Pete Rose and catcher Ray Fosse in 1970. It may have ruined Ray Fosse's career. Dave says he didn't mind so much because Dave is a big Cincinnati Red fan. Bud says it didn't make too many Oakland A's fans happy. WHAT! Ray Fosse did play for the Oakland A's in the early 70s and currently announces their games on radio and TV, but the Fosse was a member of the Cleveland Indians at the time of the violent collision. Everybody knows that! What's even harder to believe . . . . the Rose/Fosse collision was 43 years ago. Ugh. How long is 43 years? Well, 43 years before I was born was 1915.

ACT 7:
VALERIE SIMPSON

From her new solo album, "Dinosaurs Are Coming Back," the legendary singer-songwriter of Ashford and Simpson fame performed "Ain't No Mountain High Enough."

And that was our show for Monday, July 15, 2013.

And who was that guy Bruce Willis kicked off the bicycle to enter the theater? It was none other than soon-to-be famed screenwriter of "Kings of Summer" and former Late Show staffer, Chris Galletta. Wow! What are the odds that Bruce, out of the thousands who take advantage of the city's bike program, would kick him off a bike?

I feel kinda stupid now with the hundreds of boxes of Twinkies I have stored in my attic.

I hadn't been this tired in a long time. After an exhausting weekend, I was looking forward to an early sleep on Sunday. After doing this and that, I turned on the TV to go to bed. Flipping the channels, I came to the "The Dirty Dozen," one of those movies I can't turn off. Once I'm on it, I stay on it till the end. It's about a dozen military ne'er-do-wells who are in line to be court marshaled and/or imprisoned for misdeeds while in uniform. They are chosen to go on a suicide mission to kill as many German officers as they can at a scheduled soiree. It's an action, feel good for our side, war movie. Standouts in the film were Charles Bronson, Lee Marvin, Donald Sutherland, Telly Savalas, and football legend Jim Brown. Anyway, the mission is successful with only 3 or 4 of the originals making it out alive. I was amused at how well our side was able to shoot, suddenly turning in the direction of enemy fire to scatter a bevy of bullets to get their target without aiming. I also found it interesting that a lot of the Germans were shooting from a window and when they were hit, they fell forward to the outside and not backwards into the room from where they were shooting. It made for some nice, stuntman falls into an unseen airbag below. I didn't get to sleep will much later than I had hoped and paid for it on Monday. I rarely get enough sleep, thinking it is not as necessary as experts tell us, but this was an accumulation of lack. I made up for it on Monday, as my eyes fell back back back back back to the back of my head during the All-Star Home Run Derby.
Other movies I find hard to turn off: "Rocky," "The Great Escape," "The Godfather."
What is it that you don't like that much that everyone else goes ga-ga for? For me, I never quite got the allure of The Eagles. People love them. Me, not so much. I'll probably get yelled at for this but Mel Brooks never quite tickled my fancy, either.
A lime in a beer . . . nope.
Shrimp . . . I like it, but if it was that good you wouldn't need to smother it with cocktail sauce.
And before sliced bread, what were the "greatest" things compared to?

Oh, the lime-slice in a Corona . . . . .my nephew tells me that was started in Mexico to keep the flies out of the beer. It was never meant to add flavor. Not sure if it's true but it's fun enough for me to repeat it as truth.

Stuff that's better than advertised: Cheez-its. And badminton.

After watching a movie, do you go online to see if you should have liked it or not?

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Art Director at the Dr. Oz. Show, it's her birthday, Hello to Diann Duthie
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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