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Wednesday, July 17, 2013 Boom! Dave gets "Snowden" by the NSA leaker.
Show #3880
Brian Williams, and Court Yard Hounds.
PLUS: something odd at the All-Star game; Tony's cue cards are tasty; something to cool off the home viewers; how we fill the theater; a Top Ten List; and Edward Snowden LIVE from Moscow.

" . . . . and now, wait for it . . . . wait for it . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:

-"Yankee still-great Mariano Rivera will retire at the end of the season, going out at the top of his game. You won't see me doing that."

Did you watch the All-Star game Tuesday night? Not too exciting, but there was one thing Dave thought was kind of odd. We take a look at this CNN report. ANNOUNCE: "The 2013 All-Star Game between the National League and the American League kicked off with the National Anthem."
We see Candice Glover singing the National Anthem. Hey, here's a wild guess. FOX, the network covering the game, got a free plug of their "American Idol" as Candice was a recent winner. Everything's a sell.
Following the National Anthem before the game between the National League and American League, we hear this.
ANNOUNCE: "Then, of course, to honor the American League, the American Anthem."
We hear the singing of the unfamiliar American Anthem:
""America, America, U S A.
Very, very nice, very good today.
America is made of a lot of states.
America, America... really great!"
ANNOUNCE: "More news after this.

Dave heads into the next joke but there seems to be a problem with the cue cards. We cut to Tony "Cue Cards" Mendez. His hands are caked in white goo.
TONY: "Dios mio! It's so hot, the cue cards melted!"
Tony then licks the white goo off his hands.
TONY: "They're delicious, too!"
Dave blames the heat for that last joke.
The white goo . . . obviously, Marshmallow Fluff.

Always looking to help our fellow man, the Late Show did something to help cool the heated home viewers. It's an interactive piece.
We cut to a close-up of a desk fan.
ANNOUNCE: "Enjoy the cooling breeze now . . . ."
The fans starts. Just we begin to feel the breeze; we cut to a guy sitting at home watching the show. The breeze from the fan blows off his toupee. (Recycled from May 8, 2012.)

ACT 2:
Yes, the Late Show is a popular destination for many in the New York City area but it's not easy filling the theater every night with hundreds of people. We've come up with an ingenious way to eliminate that problem. We teamed up with the City of New York and came up with this.
We take a look outside from earlier in the day at the long line of audience members waiting to enter the Ed Sullivan Theater. As the camera pans, it stops at a sign near the front that reads: "New York City Cooling Center – Ed Sullivan Theater."

TOP TEN:
Tonight's Top Ten is sponsored! Alan reads the copy.
ALAN: "Tonight's Top Ten List is sponsored by Low-Read Thermometers, the convenient way to beat the heat. When your friends are sweltering in 95 degree weather, your Low-Read Thermometer registers a cool, comfortable 75 degrees! Ahhhhh! Low-Read Thermometers, available wherever inaccurate meteorological instruments are sold.
And now, here's Peter Marshall!"
Kudos to our sales department on the Low-Read Thermometers account.

TOP TEN: SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD AMUSEMENT PARK – Libya's former vicious dictator Muammar Khadafy's sprawling compound is going to be made into an amusement park.

SIGNS YOU'RE AT A BAD AMUSEMENT PARK
7. Before getting on ride, operator checks your inseam.
6. Fine print on each ticket says they can harvest your organ . . . organs.
5. "Ride" is just some guy shoving you for two minutes.
3. Most popular ride: The shuttle to the parking lot.

Before going to commercial, Dave takes his Hose Cam control and we take a look outside on up Broadway. The heat has sapped the energy from the wandering and slumping pedestrians. Dave urges anyone to step onto the hose cam target, a manhole cover at the corner of 53rd and B'way. Ropes and cones are seen in the vicinity. Those remained from earlier in the day for the Thursday show's crowd following this taping. Someone desperate for air time finally takes a stand in the stream of fire. Someone must have adjusted the hose cam spray because it now shoots past the manhole cover. We'll either have to readjust the spray or move the manhole cover.

ACT 3:
BRIAN WILLIAMS

The anchor and managing editor of the NBC Nightly News is in line for some surgery. Back in the day of the mid-70s, the lanky and pencil-necked Mr. Williams played football for his high school team. He played for the Mater Dei Seraphs. A seraph is an 8-winged angel, not something that strikes fear into the opposition, but when you attend a Catholic school you learn not to ask questions. BriWi was a two-way starter on the team and hoped to redefine the linebacker position much the way Lawrence Taylor did for the NFL. While digging his cleats into the turf of Mater Dei, an opposing player cracked-back on him and Brian's knee has never been the same. He's had 3 operations on it, and is now scheduled for a knee replacement. He's not looking forward to the procedure, but is looking forward to getting "gooned up on the medication."

When Brian Williams does our show, he immediately leaves here to make it back to NBC to do his show. Now that the city has the new bike program, he can take bicycle over, right? Brian makes it clear what he thinks of the CitiBike program. He doesn't support the idea of getting on a bike a stranger just hopped off. The communal bike seat is an idea that shouldn't be. Who knows where the bottom has been. He believes the bike program is "an aggressively bad idea." The city streets are for motorized vehicles. South of 20th Street is all cobblestone; north of 20th and the cabs are looking to kill you. Spoken like a real New Yorker, Brian is really angry at the lost parking spaces the bikes have taken up.

Conversation turns to the missing New Hampshire as reported on the NBC News, and to Edward Snowden. Are we losing our right to privacy? Brian says we pick up huge amounts of important intelligence by our snooping. Our local police commissioner Ray Kelly and the police department has uncovered and stopped numerous threats.
People in the ‘intel' business tend to say, "If you only knew . . . ." What they pick up on a daily basis would curl your hair, or in my case, curl your toes.

And before leaving, Dave requests some "Regis." Brian Williams is one of the best, if not THE best, at doing the Regis. Some say he does it better than Regis himself.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "We've got it all happening tomorrow, with Dave and his guests Liev Schreiber, comedian Adam Newman, and Cold War Kids. Hey, boys and girls! Santa will be at the Danbury Fair Mall this Saturday and Sunday from 10 to 4! I have no idea why. Seems like some kind of mix-up."

ACT 6:
Do we have the best talent department, or what. We all know the story about NSA leaker Edward Snowden. Well, we have him LIVE via satellite right now from the Moscow airport. We go to a split-screen of Dave and Edward Snowden.
Dave greets Mr. Snowden. Snowden has on headphones and cannot hear Dave. Snowden is practicing his Russian.
SNOWDEN: "Sorry. Russian Rosetta Stone . . . . wait a second, am I on TV right now?"
DAVE: "Yeah, yes you are."
SNOWDEN: "Whoa! Cool, man! Check me out. Aloha." Gives the ‘aloha' sign)
DAVE: "Yeah, OK. Now, Ed, you're on the run; you're seeking asylum. Do you wish you had planned your escape better before leaking sensitive information?"
SNOWDEN: "Dude, this is my plan. I've got a part-time job at Sbarro. I've made friends at the Admiral's Club Lounge. Life is sweeeeet! Although if I'm stuck here until winter, I do worry I might get . . . . . 'Snowed In.' (laughs at his own joke) 'Snowed In.' "
DAVE: "I understand you've applied for asylum in Russia and Venezuela. Why Venezuela?"
SNOWDEN: "Oh, man, I just love those tasty little Venezuelan sausages!"
DAVE: "Ed, I think . . . I think it's Vienna, not Venezuela. It's Vienna sausages."
SNOWDEN: "Oh, crap! Is that where they're from?"
DAVE: "Yeah."
SNOWDEN: "Hey, Dave, listen. If you can help me get asylum, I'll send you a bottle of duty-free wodka."
DAVE: "That's very sweet of you, but I don't drink. I haven't had anything to drink in a long time."
SNOWDEN: "That's not what your NSA file says. Boom! Yes! You just got ‘Snowdened!'"
DAVE: "Uh huh. One more thing. Is there anything else you'd like to say before we let you go, here?"
SNOWDEN: "No, man, I've gotta get outta here. I've gotta go take a ‘Wiki'leak." (laughs at his own joke) "Aloha."
DAVE: "It's Ed Snowden, ladies and gentlemen. Ed, glad to see your career's going so good."

I laughed at Dave's final line, "Ed, glad to see your career's going so good." It's a Carson. I hope to spring that on Dave someday when I'm playing a security guard or something.

ACT 7:
COURT YARD HOUNDS

From their new CD, "Amelite," Court Yard Hounds performed "Phoebe."

And that was our show for Wednesday, July 17, 2013.

This is what bothers me. A bottle of water at the All-Star game went for $5.25. Exorbitant, absolutely. But it's the 25 cents that gets me. Really? I can't get two waters for $10, I have to pay $10 and another 50 cents? And they do this probably so the vendors will get a tip, as in "Here's $6.00 and keep the change." If the water was $5.00, there would be no change and there would be no tip. So, with the vendor getting the tips, they don't have to be paid as much by the baseball team. I'm no financial wizard, but I'm sure a graph could be created to see if it is more profitable to charge $4.50 for a bottle of water than it would be to charge $5.25. I think the ballparks would sell a lot more water. And the profits are in volume, volume, volume. It's the nickel-and-diming at every nook and cranny that keeps me away from the ballpark these days. It's why I stay at home . . . . and if you're thinking of staying at home, then relax in a Barcalounger. Soft like a cloud with the support of a wealthy octogenarian, Barcalounger, for when you want to stay home. I'd be concerned about the vacuum cleaner Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is working on. I bet he's working in some flying carpet technology.

I know I've told this tory before but I now want to extrapolate. Years ago, I was at my girls' travel-basketball game. We arrived early . . . . for us, on time . . . and I took a seat in the stands to watch a game of other teams already in progress. I had no knowledge of either team and sat simply to enjoy the competition between two basketball teams of 13-year-old girls. I was seated between parents of both teams. Neither grouping was happy. After each foul, the parents on one side of me belly-ached and beefed about the call. When the other team had the ball and a foul was called against the defense, the other set of parent expressed their disapproval. Both teams thought the refs were awful. Me, an independent observer, saw the game as being called correct. The fouls the refs called were actual fouls, no matter which side made the infraction. In my eyes, the refs were right each time. They were calling a good game. The fans in the crowd thought otherwise. After the game, the parents on both sides voiced their loud opinion to the refs as the left the court. I disagreed. The refs were spot-on in their calling the game and I found them very competent and able.
Jump ahead a half hour. My girls' team takes the court. They run through their pre-game drills and soon the game is about to start. The refs take the court. They are the same ones from the game prior. I'm happy because I've seen that they are competent and fair. The game begins and all of a sudden I realize they aren't good referees at all. They were calling fouls that weren't fouls at all. These very competent referees became suddenly awful. What happened? And THAT'S when I realized it was ME, and not them. The fact that my daughters were in the game altered my view of things. The referees were just as competent as they were an hour earlier, but it was ME who had changed. With a vested interest, I was seeing things differently. The refs remained neutral; I had not. I learned an important lesson that day.
And it's the same in politics. We think our team is always right and their team is wrong.
Politicians see their team as being Republican or Democrat, when their team should be the United States. Their loyalty lies with the Party and not with America. And the same is true with us.

And that's a memo, and space-filler.

This date in wahoo gazette cameo mention history
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Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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