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Tuesday, July 23, 2013 Dave's tribute to the sexting alter-ego of Anthony Weiner.
Show #3883
Hugh Jackman, Lisa Kudrow, and Jason Isbell.
PLUS: The Royal Baby; More News from Britain; an Announcement from Major League Baseball; the Pope in Brazil; the CBS News London Correspondent; and a Top Ten List.

" . . . and now, the future King of the British Empire . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "The Royal Family hopes everyone will respect their privacy. Well, they're off to a good start. And they've asked the public to respect their freeloading."
- "Geraldo Rivera sent out a naked photo of himself. He says 70 is the new 50. That's what I tell cops when they pull me over."

And you thought the media frenzy surrounding the birth of Royal Baby was over the top now, wait till you see this!
We cut to Queen Elizabeth, hovering around the age of 90. Now SHE'S pregnant! You know, sometimes science isn't wonderful.

Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has announced a big suspension of one of their star players. The league released this statement.
ANNOUNCE: "Today, Major League Baseball suspended former MVP Ryan Braun for using performance enhancing drugs, doing our part to eliminate misconduct. Now the only remaining transgressions among our athletes are drunk driving, drugs, drugs, reckless driving, trespassing, drunk driving, drunk driving, drunk driving, and shoplifting from Macy's.
Major League Baseball: the sport of champions."

Did you hear the news about Anthony Weiner? He's been tweeting and texting photos of his reproductive organs to women he hopes would be impressed with that. And he's texting under the name . . . . . Carlos Danger.
A graphic, Carlos Danger, flies in with a Carlos Danger-like guitar strum.

Pope Francis is in Brazil, but it's not all work. We take a look at how he is spending some of his non-churching time. We find him dancing shirtless at a local discotheque. We know it's him because he still has his Pope hat on.

ACT 2:
Dave admits to being caught a little off-guard. He didn't realize the news of this Royal Birth was going to be so enormous. He wasn't prepared. He points out that these are the oppressive thugs we tried to break away from 240 years ago. Don't we realize that this baby can grow up to be an evil despot? Well, Dave has decided to join in the media gluttony and so we set up the Late Show satellite to talk to CBS News London Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones. Via a split screen, we find Graham in front of St. Mary's Hospital in London. Dave asks our correspondent the following:
- What's the latest update? What's the scene like?
- Any information on potential baby names?
- What is the baby's royal title?
- Has the Queen issued a statement?
Each question is answered by Graham Fenwick-Jones in an extremely thick, unintelligible accent. It sounded informative, but no one on this side of the pond could make it out. I think I did get that the baby is third in line to the throne, with two ahead of him.

TOP TEN: OTHER ANTHONY WEINER PSEUDONYMS - He's been texting and tweeting under the name "Carlos Danger." We found he's using other names as well.
10. Carlos Dangler
9. Peter Tweeter
8. Eliot Spitzer
7. Perv Griffin
6. James Wand
5. Dwight Thighsenhower
4. Throb Reiner
3. Donald Hump
2. The Notorious Not-So-B-I-G
1. Mahmoud Ahmadinejunk

Dave says he can forgive anyone for just about anything except someone who calls himself "Carlos Danger."

ACT 3:
2 hour commute into work Wednesday morning. Left me little time for the guest recaps.

HUGH JACKMAN
Hugh's been very busy making movie after movie. Doesn't he ever give himself any free time? Hugh says Dave sounds like his wife. She wants more time with Hugh at home. My suggestion: stay home for a while. She'll change her thinking. It's how it works in most marriages.
How does Hugh stay in such great shape? He works out 3 hours and eats 6,000 calories each and every day. Well, I'm halfway there, missing out on the "working out for 3 hours" part. Plus, he only eats from 10 AM to 6 PM. Nothing after that. "Nothing?" Hugh quickly amends, "Except alcohol, of course."
Hugh then tells a story of going to the hot baths at the base of Mt. Fuji. He was given nothing but a small towel. He stripped down and the baths were incredibly hot. One small pool in the middle was filled with icy cold water. Hugh plunged the towel into the cold water and put it over his head to keep his temperature down in the boiling hot rooms. After an hour or so, he got the "Ahem!" He noticed he was getting a lot of strange looks. A quick eye and hand motion from another bather made Hugh realize the towel was to cover his privates, not to cool his noggin'. Who knew?
Hugh's big summer blockbuster, "The Wolverine," opens this Friday. We see a clip, but not before we caught a Shecky Clip of a non-wolverine movie.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "More fun tomorrow as Dave welcomes Jason Sudeikis, New Summer Toys with Shannon Eis, and Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Franz Ferdinand Live on Letterman. Franz Ferdinand's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. Text me so I know you got this."

ACT 6:
LISA KUDROW
Lisa has a show on the Showtime, "Web Therapy," and a brand new genealogy show on the TLC called, "Who Do You Think You Are?" And she has a 15-year-old son who is just the sweetest thing . . . up to a few months ago. He's hit the teen years and most of his conversations consists of nothing but, "I dunno." Every now and then his sweet self will reappear with, "I dunno . . . love ya." Dave says it's typical 15-year-old behavior. Lisa agrees and admits to being a bit relieved that he's turning typical. The drawback, mentions Dave, is that these now snarly kids will be driving in a year. Lisa shares Dave's great concern. Dave says a requirement for driving, becoming President, and having a talk show should be you have to be 35.
It's been 10 years since the end of "Friends." Time flies. Does she keep in touch with the Friends? Lisa says she does. Dave wonders, "Even Matt Leblanc?"

"Web Therapy" - Lisa plays an egotistical, self-centered therapist - Tuesday nights on Showtime at 11:00 PM
"Who Do You Think You Are?" - guests include Cindy Crawford, Kelly Clarkson, Zooey Deschanel, Jim Parsons, Trisha Yearwood, and more. Tuesdays at 9:00 PM on the TLC.

ACT 7:
JASON ISBELL
From his new album entitled, "Southeastern," the man from Muscle Shoals, Alabama performed "Stockholm."

I wonder if his album knows Kanye's kid, North West.

And that was our show for Tuesday, July 23, 2013.

Wow, we really like to pretend the royal baby is important, don't we? It's like being little kids and playing "Castle".

Ryan 'No Brains, All' Braun . . . . am I right, people?!

The fear of teaching your child to drive. Is 16 too young? I guess it all comes down to the individual. One thing I learned is you can take nothing for granted. You really have to teach everything, expecting nothing. Of course, your teen will want you to just shut up and hand over the keys, but you have to get over that, and they do, too. I was giving my daughter a lesson, an A student with a near 3-digit average in school. We come to a red light. She stops. And then makes her right turn. I yell out for her to STOP! She slams on the brake and screams at me. I explain to her the "Right on Red After Stop" rule. She blurted, "But I did stop!" Whoa! That's when I knew everything had to be explained. Yes, it's right on red after stop, but it's after LOOKING to see NO ONE is coming. It's not an automatic. I was telling the story to my friend whose daughter was a year older. He nearly jumped out of his seat and told me his daughter did the same thing.

Time once again for "This Date In Wahoo Gazette Cameo Mention History."
July 23, 2002: Working at the St. Joseph Community Hospital, it's Chuck Freeby.
This concludes another installment of "This Date In Wahoo Gazette Cameo Mention History."

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday today, Managing Editor at Radioinfo & Talkers Magazine, it's Mike Kinosian
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Zoe Saldana
Jay Carney
Crash

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, July 28
Things turn ugly when Spider-man meets Elmo during Dave's monologue.
Friday, July 25
From an ad in a newspaper... "Click here"?
Wednesday, July 23
The PonyCycle gets put out to pasture.
Tuesday, July 22
Naked daters and their disgusted chairs.
Monday, July 21
The Late Show turns into "MacArthur Park" for one night.