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Tuesday, July 30, 2013 Yours truly as a New York Post headline writer.
Show #3887
Bryan Cranston, Amanda Seyfried, and Michael Franti & Spearhead.
PLUS: The Pope in Brazil; Pat Asks a Favor; Visiting Russia?; Didn't See That Coming; a New York Post Headline Writer; our CBS News Chief Political Correspondent; and a Top Ten List.

" . . . . and now, domestic jewel thief . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Pope Francis was in Brazil and 3 million came to see him. Not surprisingly, all they wanted to hear was his old hits."
- "Arnold Schwarzenegger's birthday today. 66 years old . . . at least according to Jane Goodall."

Pope Francis was in South America last week. Millions came to see him, but it was not all work for the Pontiff. He was able to find some time to relax with a jog on the beach.
We see Francis jogging along the ocean tide wearing nothing but a thong and his Pope hat.

When we come back from the clip, we find stagehand Pat Farmer standing by Dave.
DAVE: "Oh, it's Pat Farmer, ladies and gentlemen, our stagehand. How are you, Pat?"
PAT: "Fine, Dave . . . . so, what are you up to?"
DAVE: "Well, nothin', really. Is there . . . is there something I can help you with?"
PAT: "Yeah, Dave, there is. I heard Oprah's going to be on the show Thursday.
DAVE: "That's right. She'll be here on Thursday and we're all very excited."
PAT: "Uh, huh. Well, as you know, Dave, I'm a huge Oprah fan but unfortunately, Thursday I can't come to work. My kid's in a play. Is there any chance Oprah would reschedule?"
DAVE: "Hmm, what day would be convenient for you? When would be better?"
PAT: "Let's see. Next week . . . . Monday is bad. Tuesday is a nightmare. Wednesday? Could she make Wednesday?"
DAVE: "Well, I'll make some calls."
PAT: "Thanks, Dave. Appreciate it." Exits

Pretty ballsy of Pat. I'd have to do that in an e-mail.

Russia has recently passed several laws governing people's private sexual behavior. Dave doesn't know if any of you are planning to visit Russia, but in case you are, we have this:
ART CARD: A VISITOR'S GUIDE TO RUSSIA
ANNOUNCE: "Illegal: Two consenting adults of the same sex expressing affection in public."
Shot of two males showing their affection to each other.
ANNOUNCE: "Legal: Making out with a fish."
Clip of Russian President Vladimir Putin in waist-deep water holding a huge fish. He slowly kisses his catch . . . again and again.
ANNOUNCE: "Vsem spokoynoy nochi!"

Hey, Happy Birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger! He wasn't born here in the United States. We know that. He was born on Skull Island. We see a clip of the 1933 King Kong movie. And I'm not sure but I think that may have been Maria Shriver screaming.

And now, "Didn't See That Coming."
ART CARD: DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.
We see a news anchor reporting: "Anthony Weiner's campaign is in freefall."
ART CARDS: DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING
And finally . . .
There's something exciting about working in the media here in New York. To give you an idea, we take a look at this segment called, "A Day in the Life of a New York Post Headline Writer"
ART CARD: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A NEW YORK POST HEADLINE WRITER"
We cut to an empty office.
ANNNOUNCE: "9 A.M. Arrive at work"
The New York Post headline writer enter, turn on his desk lamp, and then sit at his desk in front of the computer. He thinks for just a second, then types something at the keyboard. We see on his computer screen a picture of New York City Mayoral hopeful Anthony Weiner. The headline writer types: ""WEINER CAN'T STAY UP" The headline writer presses the "ENTER" key, turns off his desk lame, and leaves. ANNOUNCE: 9:01 A.M. Go home.
Thanks for watching 'A Day in the Life of a New York Post Headline Writer.' "

The New York Post headline writer going home? Doubt it. More like to Langan's Bar, I'd say.

ACT 2:
Paul is wearing a horizontal zebra-striped suit. Says Dave, "By the way, Paul, I spoke to the warden." Paul takes this as a cue to throw his all into "Jailhouse Rock." I often ask this: do you think Paul's suits are extremely expensive, or are his suits found on a rack way in the back of the store marked down, then marked down a few more times?

So much is always happening here in New York. To find out the latest, we turn on the satellite camera to check in with CBS News Chief Political Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones. Dave wants to know what's new in the Anthony Weiner comedy show. Graham Fenwick-Jones lustfully explains the latest goings-on . . . in his thick, undecipherable British accent. He reminds me a little bit of Sir Nigel Archibald Thornberry.

TOP TEN: OTHER FOOD BREAKTHROUGHS - A 5-ounce hamburger was created in a lab from the stem cells of a cow. The hamburger is described as gray in color, with a slippery texture. Hello, Rupert?
OTHER FOOD BREAKTHROUGHS
10. The heterosexual quiche
9. Crab on the cob
8. Large Debbie's
7. Wingless Bones
6. Lay's Potato Chips that you can eat just one
5. Bravocado, the applauding fruit
4. Unbreakable eggs
3. Cous Cous Cous
2. It's Easier To Believe it's Not Butter"
1. Oscar Mayer's Disgraces Weiner

ACT 3:
BRYAN CRANSTON
He's in the very popular "Breaking Bad" and was also the dad in the enjoyable but unfortunately rarely-watched-by-me "Malcolm in the Middle." When I watched it, I liked it, but I'm not much the TV watcher other than sports, news, and Family Guy.
The taping of the final season of "Breaking Bad" is complete and they held a big wrap party. The party included a tattoo artist. A lot of people took advantage of the free tattoos. My guess is they also took advantage of the free booze. Bryan got a 'BR' 'BA' tattoo on the inside of one of his fingers. Looks OK, but there goes his hand modeling career.
In one of the episodes of "Malcolm in the Middle" years ago, Bryan had to be engulfed in a swarm of bees. We see a photo of Bryan covered in bees. 30,000 of them. Yes, the entire entertainment business depends on writers . . . but they can be such awful people. What were they thinking when the decided to have Bryan covered in bees? He doesn't know. Is it something he said? Something he'd done to make them angry? Who knows, but there was probably a lot of giggling when they were typing that out.
Bryan attended the recent Comic-Con in San Diego. Yeah, I'm not sure what that is either, but for some people it's like the World Series. It's an annual event that is highly anticipated. Bryan went as a "soldier of the show", but was afraid to be mobbed by the fans. Maybe not mobbed . . . annoyed is probably a better word. Bryan decided to go in disguise. Many people dress up in comic heroes to attend the event. (I can't believe a lot of you people don't know about this.) He went in a mask of his character on "Breaking Bad." Yeah, he went as himself, but in the mask people didn't think it was him. People came up to him for photos, but it wasn't a crazed scene. They felt they were just getting a photo with a guy in a mask from "Breaking Bad." We had the Bryan Cranston mask he wore to Comic-Con. Creepy. Really really creepy. It was so darn real-like. It even felt like his face, which is only a guess, actually.
8 episodes remain of "Breaking Bad" on the AMC. The final season begins August 11th at 9 PM. "Malcolm In The Middle" can be found in repeats when running through the channels.

ACT 4:
AMANDA SEYFRIED
She's Linda Lovelace in the new film, "Lovelace." Linda Lovelace is best known . . . only known . . . for her role in the early 70s X-movie, "Deep Throat." It was huge in the day, nothing bigger, but as it turns out it wasn't a "happy" story in real life. The film has earned $600 million worldwide but Linda didn't make a penny. Her husband made money off it . . . . . . $1,250. The movie is about their relationship and events surrounding the making of "Deep Throat" and the dirty business of dirty business.

Amanda is very proud of her dog, Finn, and goes nowhere without him. She is thrilled to have him here tonight and delights in showing off how smart Finn is. She calls Finn out on stage and he quickly enters as ordered. Dave is already impressed. To show Finn's smarts and discipline, Amanda demonstrates. Dave produces a tray of hamburgers. Amanda says Finn can balance a hamburger on its head and will not chomp at the chopped meat. Amanda takes a hamburger, non-cheese, and places it on the head of Finn. Finn stares straight at Amanda and does not move. Not till Amanda gives the OK does Finn bow his head to drop the burger to the floor. Finn then gobbles up the burger.
Before going to commercial, Dave shows that he is just as smart as Finn by duplicating the trick. Very impressive. During the break, Dave did not gobble his burger.

"Lovelace" - it opens August 9th in theaters, and on iTunes.

I really need to find out what this iTunes stuff is all about.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "We're hittin' it hard tomorrow with Dave and his guests Matt Damon, and Hanni El Khatib. After the show, check our website for discussion topics you can talk about with members of your TV club! See you after this."

Your TV Club . . . . was this a salute to the Alt.Fan.Letterman Facebook page?

ACT 7:
MICHAEL FRANTI & SPEARHEAD
From his brand new CD "All People" in stores today, Michael Franti and Spearhead performed a very enjoyable "I'm Alive"

And that was our show for Tuesday July 30, 2013.

Yes, that was me playing the part of the New York Post Headline Writer. And that was my office. When I got the call, I quickly removed everything "Late Show" from the office. The painting on the wall of the pink trees and blue sky was done by my daughter years ago when she was 12-ish. She and a friend would go to a painting class where they were taught how to paint with water colors and oil. The paintings were phenomenal, but I had my suspicions. I always thought the instructor did 99% of the painting and then let the child do the final dab here and there. I always thought it was more like babysitting, but instead of paying for a few nights of babysitting, it would end up costing me $100 for the teacher's childlike painting. I knew it, but it was worth it. I was satisfied with the babysitting and the pretending my child could paint.

My office I know needs some spiffing up. It's a mess, but it's an orderly mess. Everything in there at one time was thought to be important and needed for the show. What needs to be done is a re-examining of the mess. A lot can go. Did you notice the desk lamp? Yup, that was a garage sale find. The lamp shade was a Schmidt's beer shade. Schmidt's of Philadelphia. I'm hoping for a free case of Schmidt's delivery . . . . if Schmidt's is still in business.

Since I'm desperate to fill space today, I include Wahoo reader's Joe Augitto possible explanation for the soft, dead fish handshake former heavyweight boxing champion Michael Spink gave me decades ago:
"About 40 years ago (really, it was 1973) I worked in an office on Michigan avenue in downtown Chicago. One day I was strolling down the avenue, girl watching, when to my surprise Mohammed Ali stood a few feet in front of me. I deftly stepped out of his way and muttered something like "champ." He smiled. What I remember about our brief encounter was the size of his hands. They looked like footballs and I'm sure if he landed one punch on me, I'd be dead.
I suspect Spinks has similarly large hands and when shaking with ordinary people he probably needs to be gentle to avoid snapping most of the bones in your hand. At least that's my explanation."

Yes, I've heard boxers have huge mitts. I don't recall if Michael Spinks had the big hands. Was he protecting me by going soft? Could be. I'll ask him the next time I see him. Anybody else ever shake the hand of Michael Spinks?

This Date in Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader History
July 30, 2002 - From Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, it's Rory J. Koopmans.
This concludes another installment of This Date In Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader History

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Thanks for letting me know who Al Jardine is, from Flat River, Missouri, it's Robert Howard.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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