Louis C.K., Hugh Evans, and John Legend.
PLUS: The Dick Van Dyke Accident; Senator Dick Durbin Setting a Good Example; the Time Warner Cable Blackout; a Top Ten List; the Time Warner Cable CEO, Jim Keyes; and Dave calls 9-1-1.
" . . . and now, the new unabridged edition . . . . . . . David Letterman!!"
- "A dead shark was found in a New York City subway. Most thought it was only sleeping. It's considered suspicious because his wallet and iPhone were missing."
- "George W. Bush had a stent placed in a heart artery that was blocked. The clog is being blamed on fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whittaker."
- "Found in the clogged artery were old Al Gore ballots."
News from Hollywood: While driving on a Los Angeles Freeway, Dick Van Dyke's car caught fire. From CBS News, we have this simulation of what happened.
We see Dick Van Dyke driving down an L.A. Freeway. We hear the familiar opening theme to the Dick Van Dyke Show. Just as we mentally picture Dick leaping around his living room ottoman during the opening theme, his car catches fire.
It was so popular the first time, we've decided to produce another installment. It's called "Senator Dick Durbin: Setting A Good Example." We take a look.
ART CARD: "SENATOR DICK DURBIN: SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE"
We see the U.S. Senator from Illinois speeching: "As I said before, and will repeatedly: I take my fish oil." FREEZE.
Graphic flies in with heavy metal music: "Do It Like The Durb!"
ART CARD: "SENATOR DICK DURBIN: SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE"
Time Warner Cable recently removed CBS from its channel lineup in several cities. Many of us are missing such shows as "Under the Dome," and "The Big Bang Theory," and "60 Minutes." What do we get to see?
We see a clip from "The Man With The 132 Pound Scrotum." The guy has obvious trouble getting around.
Voiceover: "The man with the 132-pound scrotum. His scrotum grows an estimated 30 pounds per year."
GRAPHIC: "Thanks, Time Warner Cable!"
Dave apologizes to HBO. Last night he may have innocently insinuated that HBO was somehow responsible for the Time Warner thing. They had nothing to do with it. He was just kidding!
And speaking of the Time Warner Cable/CBS blackout, here to explain his side of the story, the CEO of Time Warner, Jim Keyes.
Jim Keyes enters and speaks from the heart center stage.
KEYES: "Thanks, Dave, and sorry about the whole taking-you-off-television kerfuffle." Dave smiles as if no big deal.
KEYES: "Hi, folks. I'm Jim Keyes, CEO of Time Warner Cable, the TV guys. Well, it's been a rocky road of negotiations with CBS, and not the kind of rocky road I usually enjoy in the summertime in an ice cream cone." (laughs an awkward but satisfied laugh) We at Time Warner Cable are just sick about the frustration we've caused by turning off your favorite television channels, and we'd like to make it up to you. Effective immediately, we are offering free cable for a year to all of our existing subscribers. That means all of your favorite shows, from 'America's Top Idol' to 'Zorro' for no cost all year long! And there's more! You'll enjoy those programs on your brand new 70-inch Sony 3-D HDTV, which we will be shipping to each Time Warner customer next week. But that's not all. Call our customer service helpline in the next 10 minutes and we'll send you a second TV, absolutely free! Yes, Christmas, Chanukah and Kwanzaa have all come early this year. So curl up on the couch, open a bag of snacks, and enjoy the rest of your summer watching Time Warner Cable."
Mr. Keyes clutches his hands over head in victory style, and then exits.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CABLE COMPANY IS EVIL
10. Every cooking show stars Paula Deen.
6. It's run by the Amish Mafia.
5. Employees refer customers as "Marks"
3. Even when you subscribe to it, Playboy Channel still scrambled.
He's up for 9 Emmy Awards this year, four for his FX series "Louie." He received 3 noms for this HBO special, "Louis C.K.: Oh My God." And he received a nomination for "Saturday Night Live" as Guest Actor in a Comedy Series.
Louis had quite an eventful summer. He bought a boat and likes to listen to the boat/police radio to hear what's going on. He was on the East River not too long ago and heard the Coast Guard announce there may be a body in the water. Louis asks if Dave ever saw a dead body. Dave calmly answers, "Well, I've been to funerals." Anyway, the location given for the dead body in the river was right where Louis was. Louis gave a search and soon came upon the floater. He called it in and was told to wait right where he was. There were no other boats around and Louis felt the whole scene was kind of eerie. The police and fire department soon show up. Louis admits to feeling kind of like a hero for finding the body. He remained on the scene to offer any help or information that may be needed. He soon realized he had no legitimate reason to be there anymore. Louis slowly backs his boat from the floater and says to an official, "Unless you need me, I think I'm going to take off." As he's pulling out, he hears the fire department say to a police officer, "Who the hell was that?"
Dave praises Louis on his work in the Woody Allan film, "Blue Jasmine." Louis says he felt as if Woody and Cate Blanchett were painting a masterpiece. Louis' only hope was not to screw it up. Also in the film was Andrew Dice Clay. The two sort of gravitated towards each other. It's odd being a friend of Dice. Louis produces his cellphone to demonstrate. Louis has a 5-year-old daughter. She left this message on his phone.
Daughter: "Hi, daddy. I love you. Miss you. Bye."
The very next message on his cellphone was from Andrew Dice.
Dice: "Hey, jerk-off face. I've been talking about you in the press and you're an asshole."
That's kinda funny. My daughters usually leave on my phone the Dice-like messages.
His 9 Emmy nominations? He's hoping to win all 9, or none at all. That would be something. That would be a story to tell. He feels winning 2 or 3 would be a bit of a ho-hum.
This Time Warner Cable thing is reaching to areas not thought possible. Is this happening in your city? Here's what's happening in New York City. Dave takes the desk phone and punches in 9-1-1. We soon hear: "Due to a contract dispute with Time Warner, 9-1-1 emergency services are not available. Thanks for your patience."
9-1-1 hangs up.
ANNOUNCE: "We're getting it done tomorrow with Dave and his guests Tina Fey, and Valerie June. Visit CBS.com/lateshow to watch John Legend Live on Letterman. John Legend's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand.
Now repeat that back so I know you got it."
A real live Australian do-gooder. He's the CEO of the Global Poverty Project, an organization working to end extreme poverty. He's just 30 years old and grew up quite comfortably. At 14, he joined a contest to raise money for World Vision, an aid organization. Whoever raised the most money would get to go overseas to see their work firsthand. Hugh won and was off to the Philippines. He was matched up with a same-aged kid named Sonny Boy. Sonny Boy's life was full of scavenging to survive. He lived among bugs and filth. It was here that Hugh realized that is was just pure luck that Hugh lived in comfort and Sonny Boy in poverty. When Hugh returned home, he told his parents that he wanted to pursue this life of helping the poor. The next year he attended school in India and volunteered in Mother Teresa's orphanage. It wasn't easy convincing his parents but he assured them, "I'm 15. I know what I'm doing." Living and working in the worst conditions of India solidified his decision to continue with his life of helping.
The people in extreme poverty need 5 basic things: food security, education, water and sanitation, health care, and the opportunity to create a job. And how do we end extreme poverty?
- Increase global aid by nation states --- get countries to increase how much aid they give.
- Global Trade - get countries and companies to conduct trade in a fair way.
- Governance - have democratically elected governments that remove corruption and stop natural resources from being abused.
Dave points out that we have the ability and the means to end extreme poverty tomorrow, but people get in the way. We can't get material from those who have to those who do not. Governments muck up the whole thing. The aid that is meant for those in need often end up in the wrong hands.
One effort to end extreme poverty is the Global Citizen Festival, to be held here in New York's Central Park on September 28th. You can't buy a ticket; you have to earn it. You earn it by doing . . . you need to learn about the organization, learn about Global Festival, tweet about it, raise awareness. When you've earned enough points, you get a ticket to the concert, which will feature Stevie Wonder, Kings of Leon, Alicia Keys, John Mayer, and more. 60,000 attended last year's festival, where $1.3 billion in commitments that support anti-poverty initiatives was announced.
To learn more about the Global Citizen Festival: www.globalfestival.com
For the Global Poverty Project: www.globalpovertyproject.com
Hugh Evans . . . he makes you wonder what you're doing with your life.
From this soon-to-be released album, "Love In The Future," John Legend performed "All Of Me."
And then he hung around for a Live on Letterman Web Concert, now available on the Late Show website.
And that was our show for Tuesday August 20, 2013.
No Late Show on your TV? What is this, Brazil?
The Time Warner Cable/CBS dispute in a nutshell:
- Time Warner Cable has dropped CBS programming from its services in a dispute between the companies over retransmission fees
- Retransmission Fees: What broadcasters charge cable operators to carry their programming.
- Affected markets include New York, Los Angeles, and Dallas
- The CBS/Time Warner Cable blackout is not in its 3rd week.
Joan Rivers had a show called "The Late Show" before Dave, so why doesn't this show have to be called, "Dave Letterman's Late Show"?
The 9-1-1 phone call Dave made from the desk . . . . the phone is a working phone. To avoid actually calling 9-1-1, Dave punched in 8-1-1. Sharp-eared listeners may have noticed the tone when Dave hit "9" wasn't actually the tone of a 9.
Now you know the rest of the story.
How did I spend my two weeks off? On a Mediterranean cruise. Wow, what a great time! Barcelona, Marseilles, Monaco, Florence and Pisa, Rome, Naples, Capri, and Palma de Mallorca. I'll add bits of the trip here and there in the coming days. It was a trip of a lifetime, and it'll take me that long to pay it off. We went to Barcelona a day before the cruise and spent the night. After the family was put to bed, I went out on the town to visit some of the watering holes I eyeballed while sight-seeing during the day. I ended up in a pub sipping on the local. On the TV were golf highlights of the PGA tournament back here in the States. Taking a look at the screen every now and then, I became a bit concerned about Tiger Woods. Was he hurt? Was he out? Did something happen to him? I found out the next day that nothing happened to Tiger except that he was way behind the leader. European news didn't find it worthy of showing where he was in the field. In the U.S., no matter how Tiger is playing, he is the lead story. I checked out the live music on stage and the PGA golf highlights on the TV for an hour. No sign of Tiger Woods on the screen at all. It was my first night in Europe. This more than anything reminded me I wasn't in the States anymore. That, and those I tipped really seemed to appreciate it. It made me feel I was tipping too much.
In Italy, I think my "grazie" really made me sound Italian. I was really good at it.
While in France, having taken French much through high school, I kept asking everyone where was the library.
Time now for "This Date In CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History."
August 21, 2000: "From Florissant, Missouri, it's Dan and Sara Lieser."
This concludes another episode of 'This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History."
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
My favorite right fielder, from the 1976 Rockland County High School baseball champions, happy birthday Scott Berman.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee