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Wednesday, August 21, 2013 College freshman dos and don'ts with Dave and Paul.
Show #3892
Tina Fey, and Valerie June.
PLUS: Time Warner Cable announcement; Dick Van Update; Senator Dick Durbin; Lee Daniel's The Butler; Tips for College Freshmen; a Top Ten list; and Edward Snowden.

" . . . and now, stays crunchy even in milk . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"Dick Van Dyke's car caught fire while he was driving on a Los Angeles Freeway. Jerry Van Dyke overheated waiting for a bus."

The Time Warner Cable/CBS dispute is dragging on for three weeks now. Time Warner released this announcement trying to explain their point of view.
TIME WARNER CABLE ANNOUNCEMENT: "There is a lot being said about our decision to drop CBS from our lineup. We've received your numerous e-mails and phone calls expressing displeasure, and demanding CBS's return to our service. Our executives have been dealing with this issue 24 hours a day, seven days a week, since this began. And while it's a very complex situation involving many different issues, we at Time Warner Cable want our customers to know one thing . . . . . . We don't care."

Dick Van Dyke ran into some car trouble on an L.A. Freeway earlier this week. We decided now would be a good time for a "Dick Van Update." ART CARD: DICK VAN UPDATE
ANNOUNCE: "On Monday, Dick Van Dyke's car suddenly burst into flames, but he escaped unharmed. Meanwhile, in other Dick Van News, Dick Van Patten escaped with minor injuries when his comb-over suddenly caught fire."
We see Mr. Van Patten's catch fire.
ANNOUNCE: "More Dick Van News after these Dick Van Messages."

It's quickly become one of our most popular segments: "Senator Dick Durbin Setting a Good Example"
ART CARD: "SENATOR DICK DURBIN SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE"
We see the U.S. Senator from Illinois speeching: "Mr. President, I think I need to get some tattoos!"
Heavy Metal sting.
Graphic and dark, gravely announce: "Do It Like The Durb!"
ART CARD: "SENATOR DICK DURBIN SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE"

Oprah's new movie opened this weekend and is doing boffo biz. We take a look at the trailer which will show why.
ANNOUNCE: "Critics and audiences are raving about 'Lee Daniels' The Butler,'
starring Forest Whitaker as Cecil Gaines"
Clip of Forest Whitaker as Cecil Gaines.
ANNOUNCE: "James Marsden as John F. Kennedy"
Clip of James Marsden as JFK.
ANNOUNCE: "Robin Williams as Dwight Eisenhower"
Clip of Robin Williams as Ike painting in his study.
ANNOUNCE: "And Jackie Chan as Bill Clinton."
Clip of Jackie Chan as Clinton karate chopping and banging a guy with a frying pan.
ANNOUNCE: "'Lee Daniels' The Butler.' In theaters now."

OK, show of hands . . . . how many of you thought Robin Williams as Dwight D. Eisenhower was the joke?

ACT 2:
Dave was doing some attic cleaning in the garage this weekend and came across a trunk he hadn't opened since college. Inside he found a book which offered advice and suggestions to college freshmen to make the big step from high school to college go smooth. It is titled "The Freshman Survival Guide."
Leafing through it, he found some very sage advice that is still valid today.
-"Always eat in the dining hall. It's a great way to meet new people."
-"Your roommate may not want to be your best friend. You can live with someone and not be close to him or her."
-"Save a lot of money getting your books online, or at a local used bookstore" --- Dave adds that you'll need that money for alcohol.
-"Be aware of the warning signs before you crash and burn. Don't let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired."
Putting the book aside, Dave says the book is filled with more astute observations and suggestions.
Paul Shaffer has a son who will be taking that big step into Freshmanhood in a few years and asks if he could take a look at the book. Paul quickly makes his way over to the guest chair and leafs through the big. Paul is amazed at how much the book has to offer.

PAUL: (becoming more and more animated as he praises the book) "Where did you say you found this book? And how much does a book like this cost, because I could use a book just like this when my son goes off to college in a few years. A collection of practical tips, words to the wise, food for thought as a young adult embarks on a thrilling journey into higher education. It's one compact volume . . . . . one compact volume with so much information leads me to believe that everything you need to know about surviving your freshman year of college is in this book right here in this book!"

Dave sits silently as Paul goes on an acting excursion without a seatbelt. When Paul is finally done with this diatribe, Dave looks off camera with the query, "Do we have the number for Elton John?" Seems Dave may think it's time for Paul to take a little vacation and is looking for a temporary keyboarding replacement.

Dave says that although the book is very valuable, it does not contain everything a college freshman should know. Dave has some additional items. Such as:
-"On your first day, gain respect by beating up the biggest professor on campus."
-"Ask roommate to sleep on top only if you have bunk beds."
-"Alleviate homesickness by fashioning replicas of family members out of stuffed laundry bags."
-"Opting for a double major gives you twice as many fields in which to be unemployed."
-"Since no one has ever met you before, entertain yourself by affecting a foreign accent."
-"Break the ice with roommates by starting a good old-fashioned tickle fight."
-"Decorating your dorm room? The campus store is a great place to buy posters of the campus store."
-"If you join a fraternity, be prepared to do a fair amount of gay stuff."
-"Don't enroll at Butler University; do enroll at Lee Daniel's Butler University."
-"Being the team's mascot is the fastest way to not getting laid."

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: OTHER TLC SPECIALS
– The TLC . . . that's The Learning Channel . . . aired a special on Monday about a guy with a 132-pound scrotum. Dave suggests that when you see something growing in your pants and it gets the size of a melon, consult a doctor. Don't wait until it grows to 132 pounds.

OTHER TLC SPECIALS
5. "America's Sexiest Amish Cougars"
4. "Flip That Mattress"
3. "Toddlers and Tacos"

TINA FEY
She's nominated for 8 Emmy Awards this year. How many does she already have? Tina thinks a bit and says, "I would like to say 7." Funny, I would like to say I have 7 Emmy Awards, too.
The very successful run of "30 Rock" has come to an end. Tina finds she has a lot of time on her hands and realizes how much was done for her when she had the show. She is used to having people take care of her hair, and makeup, and wardrobe, and everything. Now, she's responsible for that. And she says it's quite obvious. She was amazed at how fast she fell apart when not looked after by professionals. But she's happy for the time she gets to spend with her family. She's the mom of a 7 and a 2-year-old. The little one is always getting into trouble and Tina suspects to be a future sociopath. When confronted, the little one always has the same response: "Oh, sorry." Not sure how much longer that'll stop being cute.
The staff at "30 Rock" numbered about 200. Now she's back at NBC thinking up new TV show ideas. The staff is a mere five. And she loves it, although the staff parties aren't all that great. Tina loves to be back doing something . . . anything . . . and it's a fun to have an office. Not all has been great, though. The office was burglarized. Her laptop was stolen during the move-in, allegedly by one of the movers. She says, "It's a real shame. All my ideas were in there and now they've been stolen." Dave quips, "It wasn't Jay Leno, was it?" Big laugh, here. She reported the incident to the police, but admits to being a bit squeamish when filling out the report. New York is a huge city with some vicious crimes that need investigating. Tina felt a bit awkward complaining that "Somebody stole my jokes!" The good news is the theft was caught on camera. And she brought the clip with her. Against all the best advice, she wanted to show it on the air.
We see an overhead shot of an office. In walks one of the alleged moving guys. He disappears into another office. He then walks back into the office to exits the building. He is now allegedly concealing the pilfered laptop in a brown envelope. Seems pretty allegedly clear to me that he took it.

The 2013 Emmy Awards – September 22nd right here on CBS.

Going into commercial, tonight's Backstage Photo Club member was Late Show film coordinator Rick Scheckman, whom we at the Late Show refer to as "Rick Scheckman."
v ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Get back here tomorrow for Dave and his guests Serena Williams, comedian Sean Donnelly, and MGMT. Visit CBS.com/lateshow to watch John Mayer Live on Letterman. John Mayer's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. Don't thank me. Just doing my job."

ACT 6:
You all know NSA leaker Edward Snowden. Within the past couple weeks, he finally received asylum form Russia and was able to leave the Moscow airport. Since then, he's more or less disappeared and is staying in an undisclosed location, and we are delighted to have him with us tonight5, via satellite. We turn on the thing and find Dave and Edward Snowden in a split screen. Snowden is in an apartment with a scruffy guy sitting behind him reading the newspaper. DAVE: "Hey, Edward, how's it going? Good to see you!"
SNOWDEN: "Hey, thanks, Dave. Guess where I am!"
DAVE: "Well, it says there on the screen, ‘undisclosed location.' Uhhh, I don't know."
SNOWDEN: "Come on. You gotta guess."
DAVE: " Alright. Are you in Moscow?"
SNOWDEN: "Nope."
DAVE: "I don't know a lot of Russian. St. Petersburg!"
SNOWDEN: "No. Keep trying!"
DAVE: "Russia is pretty big. Sochi? Where they are having the Olympics. Are you in Sochi?"
Snowden says nothing. Dave guessed it.
SNOWDEN: "Just forget it."
DAVE: "OK . . . so, who is your buddy back there? Who is that?"
SNOWDEN: "Oh, that's my roommate, Vadim." (TURNS TO VADIM) "Vadeeeeeeeeem! Whazzup?"
DAVE: "That's good. So, he lives with you? How did you get a roommate?"
SNOWDEN: "Dave, it's the craziest co-inky-dink. He was a cab driver who picked me up at the airport. He had a spare room at his place, and seemed pretty chill, so I just went with it." (Turns to Vadim) "Vadeeeeeeem!"
DAVE: "Yeah, he does seem pretty chill. Now, do you worry that you're being monitored by the government, or interrogated by the KGB? Any of that kind of stuff going on?"
SNOWDEN: "KGB? Dude, you've been watching too much ‘Bullwinkle.'" (Imitating Boris Badenov) "Must kill innocent squirrel."
DAVE: "Well, Ed, you really seem to be in good spirits here considering all you're going through."
SNOWDEN: "Yeah, of course I miss the airport a little. The food here goes right through you. Talk about Siberian Express! Suck on that, Yakov Smirnoff!"
DAVE: "OK, that's enough. Now, we're about out of time, Ed. Is there anything else you'd like to say before we go?"
SNOWDEN: (whisper) "Yeah, I would, Dave. If my girlfriend's watching, get over here as soon as you can, baby. Dave, the local chicks look like Vadim." (turns to Vadim) "Vadeeeeeeeem!"

Dave thanks Snowden for his time and says goodbye.

ACT 7:
VALERIE JUNE
: From her album, "Pushin' Against A Stone," Valerie June performed the satisfying, "Workin' Women Blues."

And that was our show for Wednesday, August 21, 2013.

They are making a movie about the guy with the 132-pound scrotum. It's starring Rosey Grier and Ray Milland.

Four college classmates have come forward and described Texas Senator and presidential hopeful Ted Cruz as being "creepy." Four college classmates of President Obama could not be found.

My local newspaper has made some more cuts to the staff, reducing the number of workers to near skeletal level. They've been cutting the number of employees for quite a while now, and it's reflected in the size of the newspaper. The Rockland/Westchester Gannett Journal News is now so small, even a one-item K-Mart sales receipt has more pages.

How is this for a business idea? A big company recruits high school talent to come to their corporation and have them work as interns for two years. These talented high school students would forego college and go directly into the business as unpaid or low paid interns, working and learning and being groomed. Two years later they are guaranteed a job for at least two years. The students gain valuable work experience and a foot in the door, and the business gets cheap labor and trained, ready workers at the end of that time. At the end of four years, the kids will have work experience and little debt compared to their friends who have no work experience, few job leads, and a mountain of debt. It's what I'm thinking of now that I have two daughters on the brink of attending college.

While in Europe, the only U.S. sportswear I saw being worn by the locals were Chicago Bulls/Michael Jordan jerseys. I was surprised to see no Yankee stuff.

Time now for This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History
From August 21, 2001: Karen Lynch
This concludes another episode of This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's Kid Philip! 57! A New Yorker living in Philadelphia, happy birthday to Phil Grossfeld!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

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