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Thursday, August 22, 2013 Anthony Weiner uses the fingerprint reader on the new iPhone.
Show #3893
Serena Williams, Sean Donnelly, and MGMT.
PLUS: An Announcement from Major League Baseball; "Good Gig"; an iPhone Commercial; the Pope; Graham Fenwick-Jones; a Top Ten list; and Hose Cam: The Home Game

" . . . and now, seen in most states . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "The new fiscal year begins October 1st and many believe the government will run out of money. Here's how broke America is: we may have to move back in with England."

Major League Baseball is now punishing Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster who threw a pitch at Alex Rodriguez. We take a look and listen to the MLB announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "Major League Baseball has suspended Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster for five games effective immediately after determining that Dempster's pitch did not hit Alex Rodriguez hard enough.
A message from Major League Baseball."

Time now for a new old segment, "Good Gig."
ART CARD: "GOOD GIG"
We see a commercial for Activstyle Medical Supplies. A woman pitches; "When you call us, a personal incontinence consultant, someone like me, will help you find the right product."
ART CARD: "GOOD GIG"

Have you heard about the new iPhone? Apparently, the new iPhone will have a fingerprint scanner. Apple released this statement. We take a look. We see footage of the iPhone commercial.
ANNOUNCE: "Introducing the iPhone fingerprint scanner, the most secure way to protect your passwords, your apps, and most importantly, your texting history." We cut to the animation of a tight shot of the iPhone screen with the flashing fingerprint scanner text written out: "That's not your finger, Anthony."
ANNOUNCE: "The iPhone, only from Apple."

Earlier this week while speaking about the situation in Egypt, Pope Francis condemned those who would resort to violence in the name of faith. He then went on to offer even more candid remarks regarding the difference between organized religions. We take a look.
We see Pope Francis conducting mass at St. Peter's Basilica. He ventures off the usual and gives his take on religion, a la Jackie Mason. The Vatican audience loved it. Not so much our audience.

ACT 2:
Dave's update on the Time Warner/CBS dispute. If you have Time Warner Cable, you don't have CBS. CBS wants to charge Time Warner up to $2 for each show. Dave proclaims that this is a $2 show! Dave adds that we shouldn't have to pay for TV . . . "show me where in the bible" it says we have to pay for TV? Dave decides to talk to the CBS News World Correspondent to shed new light on the dispute. We find the correspondent, Graham Fenwick-Jones, in front of Big Ben in London.
DAVE: "Thanks for joining us, Graham. What exactly is the point of contention between CBS and Time Warner Cable?"
GRAHAM: (responds in thick un-understandable cockney)
DAVE: "So, what does this mean for Time Warner customers?"
GRAHAM: (responds in thick un-understandable cockney)
DAVE: "And how do you think this conflict will ultimately end?"
GRAHAM: (responds in thick un-understandable cockney)

Dave thanks Graham for his time.

TOP TEN: Following the Top Ten opening animation, we see this sponsorship
ALAN: "Tonight's Top Ten List is sponsored by . . . Heavy-Duty Scrotum Scales.
Don't waste time with smaller scales which can't handle today's 132-pound scrotums. Accurate, convenient, comfortable. Your massive scrotum deserves a Heavy-Duty Scrotum Scale! Available at True Value Hardware.
And now, here's Wink Martindale!"

TOP TEN: MOVIEGOER COMPLAINTS ABOUT "KICK-ASS 2" - the new film, "Kick-Ass 2" opened to dismal reviews and a meager opening weekend at the boxoffice.

MOVIEGOER COMPLAINTS ABOUT "KICK-ASS 2"
10. Too much kicking, not enough ass.
9. Glorifies foot-on-ass violence
5. Film too preachy about dangers of ass-fracking
3. I prefer the class ass films of the 40s.

ACT 3:
SERENA WILLIAMS
She's the #1 ranked tennis player in the world; she's won 16 Grand Slam Titles; and beginning next week she'll try to win her 5th U.S. Open Championship, which you can see right here on CBS if you don't have Time Warner Cable.
Serena spends a lot of her time living in France. She won't actually say she lives there because of the 75% tax rate. She loves it there. Paris has a limit of how high you can build so it opens the sky and the sun to the street. Serena enjoys her somewhat anonymity to France compared the U.S., though that has changed a bit since she won the French Open. Now she is recognized as soon as she steps out of her house.
40 years ago, Billie Jean King played Bobby Riggs in a Battle Of The Sexes tennis match at the Astrodome. It was a huge, gigantic event, seen by 50 million in the United States alone. Serena credits everything she has earned, as do all female tennis players, to the work of Billie Jean. And that probably is true with every female athlete, no matter the sport. How would Serena do in the men's tennis division? Serena quickly puts an end to that. She wants no part of it. She admits that if she played Andy Murray, he would be her 6-0. 6-0 in under 10 minutes.
But Billie Jean didn't play the #1 men's tennis player at the time. She played Bobby Riggs, who was 55 and long retired. How would Serena do against a Jimmy Connors or John McEnroe?
How does Serena feel going in to defend her title at the U.S. Open next week? She says she feels great, feels confident, and feels ready. She adds she felt that way for Wimbledon, too, but was quickly ousted, so who knows?
The U.S. Open: August 26th - September 9th at the Billie Jean King National Tennis Center in Flushing, New York. If you have to, go to your neighbor's house to watch.

ACT 4:
We are all familiar with the popular Late Show Hose Cam. We turn on the outside camera and Dave demonstrates the fun we have with the hose cam. Great news, folks! Now you can enjoy the hose cam at your own home with the new "Hose Cam: The Home Game." Dave holds up the box. You can now enjoy all the excitement of the Hose Cam in the comfort of your living room. It's the most fun you can have with water and electricity. Dave opens the box to show what you get. There's the hose, the microphone, the speaker, the camera, and the all-important duct tape. All of this for just $89.95! Freeze on Dave:
ANNOUNCE: "CBS and its affiliates are not responsible for loss or damage caused by Late Show Hose Cam: The Home Game. Therefore, they will assume no liability for the loss of personal property resulting from the use of the Late Show Hose Cam: The Home Game hose. Game play may result in electrocution." Back to Dave: "Send us a photo of your family enjoying the Late Show Hose Cam: The Home Game and you just might win a T-shirt."

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Treat yourself to tomorrow's Late Show, with Dave and his guests Oprah Winfrey, and Paul Rudd. Visit CBS.com/lateshow to watch John Legend Live on Letterman. John Legend's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. Just FYI, I got it goin' on."

ACT 6:
SEAN DONNELLY
The comedian who looks like my old friend Kenny Furnish will be performing Friday and Saturday night at The Stand comedy club right here in New York City. Find out more about Sean at www.SeanDonnellyComedy.com
I'm wondering if Sean gets paid every time he mentions Old Navy.
Sean is a little concerned of this Netflix suggestion: "Natural Born Killers." What does Netflix think of Sean?

ACT 7:
MGMT
From their soon-to-be released self-titled album, MGMT performed "Your Life Is A Lie."

And that was our show for Thursday August 22, 2013.

I'm watching the FOX News and they are reporting on a fire in Yosemite National Park. The huge fire was described to be the size of the island of Barbados. Really, Fox? You're using Barbados as a size reference? How about simply saying the fire covers 166 square miles?

Guilty Pleasure: "Wipeout"

Yipes! Next Sunday is September. And whenever a Sunday lands on the 1st of the month, you are sure to find a Facebook mention that 5 Sundays falling in one month only happens once every 698 years or so. Many will then "like," "share," or comment, "WOW!" It's not true. Five Sundays in one month usually happens at least once a year.

Pete Rose's name has been referenced in the news of late. One, about his not being in the Hall of Fame; and two, in relation to Ichiro Suzuki of the Orix BlueWaves/Seattle Mariners/New York Yankees who just got his 4,000th hit. Only Pete Rose and Ty Cobb are in that club of 4,000 hits. Many believe Pete Rose deserves to be in the Hall of Fame, many think not due to his gambling on baseball as manager of the Cincinnati Reds. Me? I think he probably should be in the Hall, but his not being in the HOF has done more good for the game of baseball than any hit he ever got. Even the sniff of gambling and betting on games in professional sports and the game suddenly turns into professional wrestling; the outcome of the game being tampered with. So you bet on your team to win . . . and you win . . . you get money. But you're in bed with crooked people. Eventually, as with every gambler, you will end up owing money to these people. And the easiest way to get that money back is to influence the outcome of the game on the losing side. Pete Rose is not in the Hall of Fame, and no man in history has as many hits in Major League Baseball. The punishment is hard, immediate, forever. That's a pretty good example for any other player who might consider doing the dabble into gambling. Pete Rose --- we all know his numbers in baseball, but it's best he be kept out of the Hall.

MEDITERRANEAN CRUISE
The last stop of my Mediterranean cruise was Palma de Mallorca, an island off the southern coast of Spain. We decided to make it a day at the beach and taxi'd to Magaluf. Quite the town! Although we were there during the day, I could tell the night life must be pretty active. A not-considered benefit was finding out the beach was a topless beach. I realize probably most of the beaches in the area must be, too, maybe even all of them. The best part of this topless beach in Magaluf was that those who should have gone topless, did. Those who should not go topless, did not. I must admit I sat on the beach craning my neck as if searching for celebrities. But it got old quick. Within 20 minutes, the thrill was gone. I'm just glad I had my sunglasses.

The only other topless beach I went to was an afternoon in St. Bart's many years ago. Denise and I were all alone on a secluded beach. We were both topped. In the distance I saw a topless walking along the beach. I quickly put on my sunglasses and waited. The only other thing I remember about St. Bart's was the $70 lobster salad and drink Denise bought at the Tiki bar.

Time for This Date In CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History
August 22, 2001: Renee Stravitz
This concludes another episode of This Date In CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History

The dead shark on the New York City subway . . . . my guess it was left there by someone who had a relationship that stopped moving forward and came to a dead end.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Yuba City, California, celebrating a birthday on Saturday the 24th, it's Alan Page
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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