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Tuesday, September 3, 2013 Dave checks the instant replay on a monologue joke.
Show #3898
Jake Gyllenhaal, Julie Chen, and The Dodos.
PLUS: New from Nixon; a CBS Accountant; A Mistake with the $100; Dave Checks the Replay for a Joke; Getting to Know Bashar Al-Assad; "50 Shades of Grey: The Movie"; a Top Ten list; and Something from Loomis & Sons.

" . . . . and now, early Heisman favorite . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Celebrity birthday. Charlie Sheen turned 48. The Secretary of State John Kerry says there was evidence of illegal chemicals found at the party."
- "Did you have a nice Labor Day weekend? On Labor Day, Americans are busy grilling burgers . . . before they go back to their jobs of grilling burgers."
- "The United States is set to attack Syria. And in the semi-finals we'll face Iran."

Any Richard Nixon fans out there? The Richard Nixon Presidential Library has released the final batch of Nixon's White House tapes. We take a listen to a bit of one of the tapes.
ART CARD: THE FINAL RICHARD NIXON TAPES.
ANNOUNCE: "March 15, 1974: Nixon Falls Asleep While Watching 'Good Times.'"
We hear Nixon snoring. We also hear a scene from "Good Times" of Jimmie Walker exclaiming, " . . . and it all belongs to Kid . . . . Dy-no-mite!!"
ANNOUNCE: "Richard Nixon . . . a Norman Lear Production."

Out of the clip, we find a gentleman enter and stand beside Dave.
DAVE: Oh, hi. How are you?"
TED JEFFRIES: "Hi, Dave! Ted Jeffries of CBS Accounting. As you know, the dispute between CBS and Time Warner Cable is over, and we won!"
DAVE: "Yes, that's great!"
TED JEFFRIES: "We got an increase in the fees they pay us, per-show, so I am here to give you your share of the increased revenue."
DAVE: "Really! No kidding?"
TED JEFFRIES: (counting out some singles) "There you go . . . eight dollars . . . . (reaching into his pocket) . . . . and 47 cents."
DAVE: "$8.47. Well . . . "
TED JEFFRIES: "And that's just for this week. I'll be back next week with another payment."
DAVE: "Great. I'll look forward to that."
TED JEFFRIES (raising hand) "High five?"
DAVE: "Uhh, no. I've got my hands full." (showing the cash)
Ted Jeffries exits.
Can't wait for the trickle down!!

Time now for "Get To Know Bashar Al-Assad." You probably only know him as the evil dictator who makes up for not having a chin by gassing his fellow Syrians. But there's more to him.
ART CARD: "GET TO KNOW BASHAR AL-ASSAD"
ANNOUNCE: "Bashar Al-Assad was born in Damascus in 1965. He succeeded his father as leader of Syria in the year 2000. And, in 2011, the international criminal court fined Assad $1,000 for growing the world's least-successful mustache. This has been 'Get to Know Bashar Al-Assad.' "

Will we attack Syria? Looks like we might, but do we have an exit strategy? The nation may not, but Obama does. His exit strategy is in three years, it'll be Hillary's problem.
Dave is unsure about that joke. Something wasn't quite right. Dave excuses himself for a moment. He walks over to the CBS Instant Replay booth and buries his head in the replay monitor, much like an NFL ref does during a game. After a moment, Dave returns with this announcement:
DAVE: "Upon further review, it turns out the joke was just not that funny."

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke just announced that the new one-hundred dollar bill will be delayed due to a printing error affecting 30 million bills. The Bureau of Engraving and Printing just released this statement. We watch.
ANNOUNCE: The Bureau of Engraving and Printing would like to apologize for a printing error, forcing us to discard over 30,000,000 one-hundred-dollar bills. We mistakenly used a picture where Benjamin Franklin was blinking."
We see a $100 bill with Ben with his eyes partially closed.
ANNOUNCE: "The Bureau of Engraving and Printing. Stop calling us the mint."

ACT 2:
Have you heard that they are going to make a movie based on the boffo book, 'Fifty Shades of Grey"? Well, there goes the joke I've been using for months. When asked if I read "Fifty Shades of Grey?" I would reply, "No. I'm waiting for the movie." Naturally, the titillating book is now in the process of being put to celluloid. It's probably porn, but we're supposed to pretend it's not. We have with us tonight an advanced look of what to expect. We see this promo.
ANNOUNCE: "The steamy, bestselling novel is now a major motion picture, starring Charlie Hunnam as Christian Grey . . . . . . Dakota Johnson as Anastasia Steele . . . . . . and David Letterman as the couple's downstairs neighbor."
Cut to Dave in his living room. He is banging the ceiling with a broomstick complaining of the noise coming from his upstairs neighbors:
DAVE: "Hey, knock it off!"
ANNOUNCE: "'Fifty Shades of Grey.' Coming soon."

TOP TEN: THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH DIANA NYAD'S MIND WHILE SWIMMING FROM CUBA TO FLORIDA --- 64-year-old long distance swimmer Diana Nyad successful swam from Cuba to Florida without the use of a shark cage. The 110-mile swim took 53 hours.

TOP TEN: THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH DIANA NYAD'S MIND WHILE SWIMMING FROM CUBA TO FLORIDA
5. "Hold up . . . dropped my keys."
2. "Someone tell me when I'm approaching Florida so I don't hit my head."
1. "Still better than a Carnival Cruise."

ACT 3:
JAKE GYLLENHAAL
How was his summer? Big actor like Jake must have a lot of stories. Jake says he didn't do anything. Nothing. Spent the whole summer in hot New York City. Instead of going to a foreign country, he let the foreign country come here. Loads of tourists in New York City from all over the world. You can easily tell a tourist here in the city. They are the ones wearing a fanny pack. Yeah, we don't do the fanny pack here in the States. What we DO do in the States is the big gigantic turkey leg, but again, not here in New York City.
Jake's sister, Maggie, spent the summer in London. Jakes misses her two daughters tremendously but kept in touch by the daily photos and videos. His favorite video is of the 6-year-old running around in a box in the shape of a house. The one-and-a-half year old is calling out to her older sister, "I love you! I love you!" And then the sister in the house runs over her younger sister.
What was Jake like as a kid? Wild? Getting in trouble? He says he had a typical childhood. He tells the typical dart story of him and his friends throwing the pointed missiles at each other. When he was promised the ammunition was exhausted, Jake came out from behind a tree. He was then met with the one remaining dart in the arsenal. It went right through his cheek. He was able to feel the point with his tongue. Kids . . . . And who here doesn't have a similar story? Jake's new film, "Prisoners," sounds just as gruesome as the dart story. He plays a police officer investigating the kidnapping of two young children. It opens September 20th.

ACT 4:
Coming back from commercial, we find our cameras are shooting in black and white.
We see a CBS Television logo.
Alan ANNOUNCE: "CBS Television presents the 'Late Show Star Theater,' brought to you by Loomis & Sons Cream Oil."
Cut to Dave - in grainy black and white.
DAVE: "Hi, I'm Dave Letterman. The one thing that gives any man confidence is a smart, successful appearance, and that's why you should use Loomis & Sons Cream Oil. It contains the heart of lanolin, nature's finest emollient. Just a few drops every morning will give you that special something. So try Loomis & Sons Cream Oil today. Available at a nearby store."
Alan ANNOUNCE: "Loomis & Sons Cream Oil, available in bottles, and new unbreakable tubes."

As we go to commercial from the commercial, we see tonight's installment of the "Backstage Photo Club." It's Supervising Producer Sheila Rogers

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "See you again tomorrow as Dave welcomes Tim Robbins, NFL analyst Herm Edwards, and Passion Pit. Plus, check out Passion Pit Live on Letterman. Passion Pit's exclusive Ed Sullivan Theater concert webcast is live Wednesday at 8 PM Eastern, 5 PM Pacific. Only at cbs.com/lateshow. Now with 10% real fruit juice."

ACT 6:
JULIE CHEN
She's the co-host and moderator of "The Talk," and the host of the super successful "Big Brother." Julie's son is about to be 4 years old and Dave revels in the head of hair the lad possesses. (Ah, yes, I remember those days.) The young boy loves school, having just spent 6 weeks in a transition program for early childhood schooling. He loves it so much that Julie can use it as a treat and a threat. If her boy doesn't put away his toys or eat his vegetables, she can threaten not to send him to school.
- I went to Catholic school for my first three years. The nuns made us eat everything on our hot lunch plate, even the vegetables. Our trays were inspected when we were finished. The creativity practiced by the students to hide the uneaten vegetables still awes me today. You'd be amazed at how a 2nd grader can hide a scooping of peas.

"The Talk" - weekdays on the CBS; 2:00 PM here in New York; 1:00 PM in California. And for some racism and gay-bashing, watch "Big Brother on most nights of the week on CBS.

ACT 7:
THE DODOS
From their new album, "Carrier," the San Francisco band performed "Confidence."

And that was our show for Tuesday September 3, 2013.

I won't believe that Syria used chemical weapons until Colin Powell shows me proof
Dave checking the CBS Instant Replay Referee booth on a joke he had just told reminded me of a joke I pitched two-and-a-half year ago.
From 2/07/11
FOLLOWING A MONOLOGUE JOKE, WE HEAR A WHISTLE. WE SEE BIFF IN A REFEREE UNIFORM BLOWING THE WHISTLE. HE IS STANDING BESIDE WHAT LOOKS LIKE AN NFL REPLAY REVEW/CAMERA MACHINE
BIFF: "That last joke is under review."
BIFF GOES UNDER THE CURTAIN OF THE CAMERA FOR A FEW SECONDS AS IF REVIEWING THE JOKE. HE THEN REAPPEARS.
BIFF: "After further review, the ruling stands. That joke sucked."

BUZZ! My joke didn't make the cut.

After a month, CBS is back on the Time Warner Cable. Not surprisingly, Time Warner was supposed to have reached an agreement two weeks ago between 9 and 1.

Dave banging on the ceiling in the film "Fifty Shades of Grey" . . . the clip was used before.
From August 26, 2009, as reported in the Wahoo Gazette:
"Inglourious Basterds" is the #1 movie in the country and since it is doing so well, Dave is now willing to announce that he had a small role in the film. That's right, it's not all about Brad Pitt. We see the scene Dave is in.
Announce: "From Director Quentin Tarantino comes the new film everyone is talking about. Starring Christopher Waltz, Brad Pitt, and David Letterman as Hitler's irritable downstairs neighbor, Gunther."
Cut to scene with Hitler banging on his desk and shouting. Cut to Dave reading in his living room. He look up at the ceiling from where the noise coming. He grabs a broomstick and bangs on the ceiling, yelling, "Hey, Hitler! Knock it off!"
"'Inglourious Basterds' --- now playing."


Hmmm. Back then I reported that Dave said, "Hey, Hitler, knock it off." But naturally he didn't say "Hitler" this time. Did we skip it? Did we mute that line? I'm going to take a close look at the clip. I'll be right back.
OK. Dave picks up the broom and knocks three times. He then bellows, "Knock it off!!" Did he ever say "Hey, Hitler?" I'll call the writer of the piece right now. He tells me that Dave originally said, "Hey, Hitler!" He then picked up the broom, knocked, and yelled "Knock it off!" For this piece, we came in after he said "Hey, Hitler." Now you know the rest of the story. Good day!

From last Monday's Wahoo - 8/26 /13, I mentioned that I saw a group of Eliot Spitzer supporters for comptroller outside the CBS building on 57th Street. Across from them was a group of Scott Springer supporters. All told there were about 60 in all. Out of the 60, I doubted that 2 could have picked either Spitzer or Springer out of a lineup. I wrote: "They were obviously paid to look as if they knew what a comptroller is and that Spitzer or Springer was their man."
And then on Thursday, the New York Post blare this headline: "Weiner paid for phony supporters at campaign events, source says." The story claims that Weiner for Mayor resorted to paying a "rent-a-crowd" to provide "supporters" for his events. It goes on, regarding a parade Weiner attended, about his supporters: "they were really actors who were paid $15 an hour by the California firm 'Crowds on Demand.'"
Anthony Weiner is a convenient and easy punching bag these days, but to put it out there that he's the only one resorting to "Crowds on Demand" is a bit of a stretch. Take a look at the supporters holding signs for your local pols. Do they look the type who would be interested in small-time politics?

Time once again for This Date In Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader History
9/03/03F - It's the Brown Twins, Darin and Jason, known to Rupert Jee customers as "The Brown Twins, Darin and Jason."
This concludes another installment of This Date In Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader History

Happy birthday, Al Jardine!

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday today, from West Nyack, New York, with a short stopover in Steubenville, Ohio, it's John Fella.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Medal of Honor Recipient, Staff Sgt. Ryan Pitts
Sharon Van Etten

Wahoo Gazette Archive

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Friday, July 18
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Wednesday, July 16
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