Queen Latifah, Jake Johnson, and TV On The Radio.
PLUS: Rosh Hashanah Tip; Google's 15th; "What Would They Look Like with Bashar Al-Assad's Mustache?" Three-Peat; Anthony Weiner on the Campaign Trail; Graham Fenwick-Jones; a Top Ten List; and This Is Your Life.
" . . . . and now, gluten-free . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
- "For $30,000 you can buy a coffin with a stereo system . . . . . or you can just bury the $30,000."
It being Rosh Hashanah, what better time for a Rosh Hashanah Tip.
ANNOUNCE: "Before blowing into a traditional ram horn shofar, remember to first remove it from the ram."
We see a rabbi attempting to blow into a ram's horn, the horn still attached to the ram. The ram head butts off.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'A Rosh Hashanah Tip.' We now return you to 'The Joe Girardi Show' already in progress."
Do you remember where you were 15 years ago? If you were in a garage somewhere, you may have been inventing the Google. We take a look at this congratulatory message to the Google people.
ANNOUNCE: "Congratulations to Google! Celebrating their 15th anniversary of helping morons everywhere."
We take a look at one who was helped. It's Dave typing on his laptop. He types out: "What is my shoe size?"
ANNOUNCE: "A message from people."
Hey, you heard of him but don't know too much about him. What do you say we take a look at
"What Would They Look Like with Bashar Al-Assad's Mustache?"
ART CARD: WHAT WOULD THEY LOOK LIKE WITH BASHAR AL-ASSAD'S MUSTACHE"
ANNOUNCE: "Donald Trump."
We cut to The Donald pontificating. He has a wisp of a mustache, just like Mr. Al-Assad.
ART CARD: WHAT WOULD THEY LOOK LIKE WITH BASHAR AL-ASSAD'S MUSTACHE
Coming back to Dave, we see Dave wondering aloud if it would have been beneficial to see Bashar's weak mustache on him before we saw it on Donald Trump. Maybe we should have had a shop of Bashar al-Assad accompanying the Art Card graphic, WHAT WOULD THEY LOOK LIKE WITH BASHAR AL-ASSAD'S MUSTACHE. Paul suggests to Dave not to worry. The home audience will see it tonight. DOH! Paul just gave away the details of every meeting-at-the-desk-during-the-commercial-break.
Hey, how about we try this again?
ART CARD: WHAT WOULD THEY LOOK LIKE WITH BASHAR AL-ASSAD'S MUSTACHE
ANNOUNCE: "Miley Cyrus."
We cut to Ms. Miley pontificating while wearing a Bashar mustache.
ART CARD: WHAT WOULD THEY LOOK LIKE WITH BASHAR AL-ASSAD'S MUSTACHE.
Miley Cyrus with a mustache looked a little like Salma Hayek in "Frida".
Still no shot of Bashar on the Art Card.
Time for show business heaven . . . we take another look at WHAT WOULD THEY LOOK LIKE WITH BASHAR AL-ASSAD'S MUSTACHE.
The art card still does not include Bashar or his mustache.
ANNOUNCE: "Charlie Callas."
We see good ol' Charlie in a Bashar al-Assad's mustache. He does his "Is this . . . honk . . . is this. . . honk . . . is this . . . ."
Got a minute? Good time for this: "Anthony Weiner Making Friends on the Campaign Trail."
We see Mr. Weiner confronting a confronter on the campaign trail. Weiner squirts, "Yeah, it takes one to know one, jackass."
ART CARD: "Anthony Weiner Making Friends on the Campaign Trail
Interesting thing about Anthony Weiner's response to the heckler. The guy called Weiner (sorry) "a scumbag." Weiner doesn't deny it, only suggesting that if the heckler knows it, then that makes him, the heckler, one, too. Weiner should have gone with the "I'm rubber and you're glue."
The NFL football season opened tonight out in Denver as Dave's guy, Peyton Manning, takes on the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens. To find out all there is to know about the upcoming season, we meet with CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones. We split-screen to show Dave here in New York and Graham Fenwick-Jones at the CBS Bureau in London.
- What team looks good to Graham?
GFJ: "Dave, every bloke from Leicester to Gloucester is chuffed to see the bowlers and batsmen break out their snooker cues and skittle balls, and give a little how's-that to the umps and stumps, the stumps and umps, the wallies and wazzocks, and bab-a-job odds and sods."
Dave asks a handful of other pertinent NFL questions, which Graham answers with his Brit wit. Graham reminds me a little bit of Sir Nigel Archibald Thornberry.
TOP TEN: G20 SUMMIT ICE BREAKERS - 20 leaders of the top world economies are meeting in Russia to save their collective financial ass.
G20 SUMMIT ICE BREAKERS
10. "I love your accent, where's it from?"
6. "Why do I always get stuck sitting next to France?"
2. "Who invited Canada?"
She's got a new talk show! When Oprah left, there was a search for a new Oprah. But Oprah really didn't leave; she just moved to a new channel. Still, the networks wanted one of their own. Queen Latifah was relaxing in London making friends with a Guinness when a van suddenly pulled up. Out jumped two people and shoved poor Queen Latifah into the van. Those two people were Will Smith and his wife Jada. They told Latifah if she wanted to live another day, she would have to do a new daytime talk show. Well, it didn't quite go like that exactly, but she did feel pressured. The Queen accepted the offer and it'll premiere on September 16th. This isn't her first talk show. Queen Latifah had a talk show in 1999-2001. The show started to do a lot of that "paternity/you are the father" stuff and she felt it was time to go.
Queen Latifah has another project ready for air. It's a 2-hour documentary entitled "Teach" and it follows 4 real-life teachers from around the country and explores America's education system through the eyes of our teachers. Dave has great admiration for teachers. He says we put them in charge of our greatest natural resource . . . our children.
"Teach" - Friday night at 8:00 PM on CBS
"The Queen Latifah Show" - premieres September 16th. Here in New York, it'll debut at 9:00 AM on CBS.
Back from commercial, before Dave can really get started, we hear the bellow of Alan Kalter.
ALAN: "Dave, do you recognize this voice?"
DAVE: " . . . . . Uh, yes, I do. That's our announcer Alan Kalter."
ALAN: "That's right, Dave, and this, Dave Letterman, 'Is Your Life!'"
DAVE: "Wow! You did a 'This Is Your Life' tribute for me? Thanks, Alan. This oughta be a treat!"
ALAN: (reading from a big "This Is Your Life" book) "'David Michael Letterman was born on April 12, 1947.' Congratulations, Dave, on a life well lived. Back to you!"
DAVE: (disappointed) "That's bull-djoy. That's all it is? That was nothing!"
ALAN: "I've been really busy, you jerk."
ANNOUNCE: "It's all happening here tomorrow as Dave welcomes Arsenio Hall, comedian Dan Naturman, and Laura Mvula. Plus, visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Passion Pit Live on Letterman. Passion Pit's exclusive online concert form the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. It's a right . . . and a responsibility."
One of the stars of the hit FOX series, "New Girl." The third season premieres Tuesday, September 17th. Jake is from Chicago but now lives in Los Angeles. He's still adjusting, even though he's been on the left coast for 10 years now. He's used to the Chicago rodents and varmints, like rats and mice and such. He's still not comfortable with what crawls around L.A. The other day he saw a huge lizard creeping around the house. Jake holds his hands about a foot apart to show the size. The lizard really had him horrified. Dave wasn't impressed with the size of the lizard. Jake emphasizes, "But it was a lizard!" Jake says lizards are fine, but not in your house. Jake wanted to be brave for his wife but although an actor, he's not that good of an actor. What kind of lizard was it? "A green one" is all Jake can offer. Jake tries to shoo it out of the house but it runs the other way and is now hiding someplace IN the house. And for the next few days Jake can't sleep. He figures the lizard is everywhere . . . . under the bed . . . on the bed . . . in the refrigerator . . . slithering around on his food and stuff. He Googled how to get rid of a lizard. Google replied, "Just lie it be." (15 years of Google and that's the best they can do?) Jake saw the lizard two days later scurrying into the wash room. Jake went to the other side of the wash room, opened the door to the outside, and waited. 45 minutes later the lizard decided it wanted to go outside. Relief! But now, Jake admits, he sort of misses the lizard. The lizard made the house a home
"New Girl" - the third season premieres Tuesday, September 17th at 9:00 PM on the FOX.
TV ON THE RADIO
The band from Brooklyn performed their new single, "Mercy."
And that was our show for Thursday September 5, 2013.
Whoa . . . my head is banging this morning. Too much Manischewitz.
Well, that didn't take long. I turn on the TV to watch me some NFL football. It's an 8:30 kickoff. But at 8:30 there is no kickoff. Why not? Rain is in the forecast. RAIN?! IN THE FORECAST? You mean, it's not even there yet and the NFL is delaying the game? I smell a rat. The NFL is delaying the game to get a bigger portion of it in PrimeTime in the West. Three of the NBC football announcers are down on the field, each holding a huge golf umbrella. They don't want to get wet. But those behind them in the background . . . they don't want to get wet, either. Yet . . . they aren't holding umbrellas . . . because they don't need to because it isn't raining! I predicted the opening kickoff will be delayed to 9:00. And as 9:01, the players march back onto the field. The game starts late. The real reason will eventually come out. I don't think it was because of the rain or lightning miles and miles away.
Well, that didn't take long. I like Peyton Manning. I'll be rooting for the Broncos tonight. I don't like the Baltimore Ravens. They still have the Ray Lewis stink on them. So the kickoff to open the NFL season takes place. The Ravens have the ball. They run the ball up the middle on the first play. #52 of the Broncos makes a hard tackle, keeping the gain to a yard or so. And then #52 does a gyration . . . a dance . . . . maybe it was a twerk. All this for one tackle. I grow disgusted and my allegiance to the Broncos diminishes. It starts to lean towards the Ravens but the sniff makes me go back to the Broncs. I root for the Broncos all night, but hope #52 has a bad game.
Well, that didn't take long. Late in the game, a Bronco defenseman intercepts the ball. He runs it back for a touchdown. But he was too consumed with himself that he mistakenly dropped the ball too soon. He dropped it before he got to the end zone. FUMBLE! The ball went back to the Ravens. I love to see the great and talented do the stupid. And what made me even happier is that because he purposely dropped the ball . . . too soon, though, making it a fumble . . . there was a bit of a scramble to recover it. Coming up limping from the scramble was #52. He's limping because of the stupidity of his teammate.
A football player will often become so impressed with himself that he will go into a "Look At Me, Everyone" dance in celebration . . . or as I call it, L.A.M.E.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Jim loves Linda for the 42nd straight year . . . on their 42nd wedding anniversary, congratulations Jim and Linda Paskiewicz.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee