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Saturday, September 7, 2013 Dave takes a gander at this Fall's New Books
Show #3901
Arsenio Hall, Dan Naturman, and Laura Mvula.
PLUS: The Hearings on What to Do About Syria; Good Batman, Bad Batman, with a Sponsor; Miley Cyrus Influences; a Top Ten List; and New Books.

" . . . . and now, ready to reveal his ambush makeover . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "The NFL season opened last night. To motivate fat football players, quarterbacks yell, 'Pizza, Pizza . . . Hut Hut!"
- "It's Day 5 of the Senate Hearings on whether to attack Syria. Do you get the feeling at this point we've lost the element of surprise?"
- "A guy in Singapore has collected more than 6,000 Barbie dolls. His friends say they're 'amazed.' Hold it . . . this guy has friends?"

John McCain is catching a lot of flak for playing video poker while arguments are being made whether to go to war or not. What's the big deal about sending children of people you don't know to war when you're working on an inside straight? McCain was just trying to occupy his time during the hearings. Heck, even Secretary of State John Kerry had a hard time staying engaged. We take a look.
We see Florida Congressman Ted Deutch speaking. When he's done, he waits for a response from the Secretary of State. Cut to John Kerry. He is snoring asleep. Deutch calls his name again. Just more snoring from John Kerry. Hey, it happens. I'm sure there are some who even fall asleep while reading the Wahoo.

It was recently announced that Ben Affleck has been selected to play Batman. Over the years, many people have played the role of Batman; some did a great job, and some not as much. Dave introduces the segment, "Good Batman, Bad Batman," but not before throwing it over to Alan, who announces tonight's sponsor for the piece.
ALAN ANNOUNCE: "'Good Batman, Bad Batman' is sponsored by Del Frisco's Double Eagle Steak House. We use only choice cuts of grade 'A' meat from the finest double eagles. Back to you, Dave."
We then take a look at "Good Batman, Bad Batman."
ART CARD: GOOD BATMAN, BAD BATMAN
ANNOUNCE: "Good Batman" - we see Michael Keaton doing a good Batman. "Bad Batman" - we see President G.W. Bush in a Batman mask saying something about going on a trip "to a park in Botswana." He seemed so darn glad to announce that he went to Botswana.

Everyone is still talking about Miley Cyrus's performance at the Video Music Awards last week. To help us understand the performance, we've put together another look at Miley Cyrus's Influences. We take a look.
ART CARD: MILEY CYRUS'S INFLUENCES
ANNOUNCE: "Secretary of State John Kerry"
We see the Sec. of State licking his lips over and over again while orating. This may be where Ciley Myrus got the idea of sticking out her tongue like a lizard.

Why is it OK for Gene Simmons to do the tongue and not Ciley Myrus?

ACT 2:
September . . . kids are back at school, so what better time than now to take a look at NEW BOOKS
1. A novel by voluminous writer Stephen King: "Under The Dome 2: Another Dome Over The First Dome."
2. "Trump University: A Lesson in Economics" - and it costs just $500. What's inside? It's nothing but a telephone book!
3. "Twilight . . . . " - in big letters. But there's more. The entire title reads "Twilight . . ." followed by small print, " . . . . is When Many Auto Accidents Happen So Be Sure To Turn Your Headlights On" - by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. I suspect the government was just trying to sell more books
4. A book with a Frisbee, a baseball, a horseshoe, and a javelin on the cover --- "Other Things I Can't Throw" - by Tim Tebow
5. "A History of Paper Jammed In The Photocopier" - an entire book filled with crumpled, ink-smeared pages.
6. "Owners Who Look Like Their Refrigerators" - on the cover is a refrigerator next to a rather rotund, round-headed fellow
7. This is small, skinny book - "Gay Stuff I'm Okay With" - by Pope Francis - That probably explains why it is so small--- on the cover includes Neil Patrick Harris
8. A book by Anthony Weiner - "This Is Where I Hide My Sexting Phone" - Dave opens the book to find a hollowed inside where an iPhone neatly fits.
9. "Goodnight, Un" - the familiar "Goodnight Moon," but this has Dennis Rodman on the cover reading to pal, Kim Jong Un.
10. A picture book by Ansel Adams: "Mountains I Hate" - Mountains in the background, Ansel giving the finger in the foreground. Understand, all the photos inside were shot with one hand.

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: WORDS LEAST LIKELY TO APPEAR IN AN EROTIC NOVEL - based on the story that the bestselling erotic novel "Fifty Shades of Grey" is about to be made into a major motion picture . . . with emphasis on "motion."
9. Gingivitis
8. Weeb Eubank
2. Letterman

ARSENIO HALL
He's back! After walking away from his late night talk show 20 years ago, Arsenio is back! Why did he leave in the first place? Although he loved doing the show, Arsenio says he felt something was missing; that he needed to do something; that he needed balance in his life. Having a son helped Arsenio find Arsenio. His son is 13 now and Arsenio is coming back to full time television. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. 13 is, what . . . . 8th grade? Oh, yeah, when the kids hit 8th grade it's a real good idea to get yourself out of the house. Come back when they're seniors in high school is my advice.
Arsenio says he's missed being away. Seeing Dave with Jay-Z and Eminem and other celebrities just sitting and chatting, Arsenio realized he missed that. What kind of show will it be? Arsenio says a lot will be the same. The show hasn't changed, Arsenio hasn't changed, but the world has changed. For instance, just last week Miley Cyrus was twerking and flapping her tongue all over national TV. Arsenio says she raised some eyebrows with that performance. Dave adds, "That's not all she raised." Dave welcomes Arsenio back to the huge cadre of late night talk shows and only hopes that Arsenio takes it easy on him. The big return is this Monday. Check your local listings for when and where.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Plan on joining Dave again Monday as he welcomes Ricky Gervais, Mayor of Chicago Rahm Emanuel, and Janelle Monaie. Remember! Due to alphabet budget cuts, the letters F, Z, and B will no longer be available beginning tomorrow. Sorry for any inconvenience."

ACT 6:
DAN NATURMAN
The very funny Mr. Naturman performs regularly at the Comedy Cellar right here in New York City. I probably say this every time Dan Naturman is on but his delivery reminds me a bit of The Frog on Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse, Edward G. Robinson, and Jon Lovitz.
Dan finds kids amazing. What he finds even more amazing is how easy it is to make one.

I picture Dan Naturman in a sitcom, playing maybe a high school guidance counselor, or an editor for a small town newspaper. Take your pick. He'd make me laugh in whatever he was in. He's a little bit like The Frog on Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse, a little like Edward G. Robinson, a little like Jon Lovitz. Yeah, see . . . ?

ACT 7:
LAURA MVULA
From her debut album, "Sing To The Moon," the singer from Birmingham, England performed "Green Garden."

And that was our show for Friday September 6, 2013.

Swimming pool fans, I just thought of something . . . . synchronized swimming . . . . do people abbreviate it by saying "Sync Swim"? If not, they should.

I went to a new wine store the other day, The Grape D'Vine, in Sparkill, New York. The owner, Joe Printz, is a prince of a guy. Hey, bet he never heard that before! The Grape D'Vine is a charming place. A lot of fun. Just my few minutes there got me to thinking of finally learning a bit about wine. Right now I know nothing. I know I like how it looks when I drink red wine, but my problem is I drink everything like beer. I don't know the art of the sip. Everything is more of a guzzle and a swig. Well, in the near future Joe is going to run some wine tasting classes and he stresses he is an anti-snob when it comes to wine. He knows of the snob-wine crowd and he's not one of them. Printz is a local guy from boyhood and so I tested him to judge just what kind of guy he is. There was a handful of patrons in his shop talking and tasting the wine. Conversation turned to the upswing in the local Sparkill commerce. I listened quietly. When I saw an opening, I said, "Yeah, they're nice places but what I miss in Sparkill is a place like The Depot or Bilbo's. Joe's eyes widened with glee. He remembers these old time bars of sweat and suds that were just across the street from his place back in day. Joe spoke of them with tenderness and warmth. Only a certain type person would speak so kindly of The Depot or Bilbo's . . . my type. If a guy like Joe thinks enough about wine to open a wine store, well then, wine must be worth knowing.
I have one more test to see if Joe is a wine snob or not. Next time I go in to his place I'm going to ask, "Do you have a gallon of . . . ." His reaction will tell me a lot.

Am I on to something . . . . .
The New York Yankees have a lot of giveaways at The Stadium before games. Last week they were giving away Beanie Babies and a Yogi Berra bobblehead doll. But these are available to only the first 10,000 to arrive at The Stadium. Why only the first 10,000? Can't they make enough for everyone? Or is the reason for limiting the number of "freebies" is so fans will get to the stadium early and then buy an extra beer or soda or hot dog while waiting for the game to start? The extra purchases will more than cover the cost of the "freebies". I have a feeling that's the reason. Everything is calculated. Everything is to maximize profit NOW.

Do you have some free time? Check out Donz's boring story about a FedEx package on Facebook!

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
He's . . . . 60! I have a friend who is 60 years old?! Happy Birthday, Walter Cullen. Let's Go Giants!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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