Billy Crystal, and Sheryl Crow.
PLUS: A Message from Carlos Danger; the U.S. Open with Something Missing; Numerology Fun with Gene; Dave at the Eye Doctor; Laughs with Bashar; Inadvertently Hitting the Button in the Oval Office; and a Top Ten List.
" . . . . and now, fulfilling his community service obligation . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
A guy runs across the stage behind the scrim, soon followed by a sprinting Dave. No reason.
- "President Obama is urging the world to remove the weapons from Syria. Now if we could just get weapons away from George Zimmerman."
- Sad news. Today is the Mayoral Primary and it may be the last day we have to make fun of Anthony Weiner. Better take advantage while we can, therefore, how about "A Message from Carlos Danger"
ART CARD: A MESSAGE FROM CARLOS DANGER.
We see Anthony Weiner on MSNBC's "The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell." Says Weiner, "Hey! Chillax, buddy."
ART CARD: A MESSAGE FROM CARLOS DANGER.
Hey, good news! Tuesday during the primary, Anthony Weiner gave somebody the finger! It's not over yet!
Wow, what a U.S. Open. Exciting from the first shot to the last. You know, even without a tennis ball, the U.S. Open can be terribly exciting. We take a look.
ART CARD: U.S. OPEN: JUST AS MUCH FUN WITHOUT THE BALL
We see a long volley in the Men's final between Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic . . . without a ball!
The game without the tennis ball is just like having a top row seat at Arthur Ashe Stadium.
Back from the clip of the U.S. Open, we find stagehand Gene Szymanski standing next to Dave.
GENE: "You like numerology. Right, Dave?"
DAVE: "Numerology? Yeah, I guess."
GENE: "Check this out. This is show number 3903 since we started the show at CBS on 8/30/93."
GENE: "If you add up the digits of 3903 you get 15. And if you add the digits in 8/30/93, you get 23. Now if you subtract 15 from 23, what do you get?"
DAVE: "Uhh, let's see. 15 from 23 . . . that would be 8.
GENE: "Exactly! And guess how many letters are in 'Late Show' . . . . . eight!"
DAVE: "Wow! You know, I never thought about that. That's . . . ."
GENE: "Unbelievable! Right?"
DAVE: "Yeah, yes it is."
GENE: "Someone's trying to tell us something."
GENE: (starting to leave) "Oh, by the way, I have to leave early."
DAVE: "Leave early? Sure, alright."
DAVE: "He has a beautiful mind, doesn't he?"
New tag line! My guess is from now on during a Gene Szymanski interrupt, to end it Gene will mention that he has to leave early.
Impersonation time! Bashar al-Assad once wanted to be an ophthalmologist. This is Dave if Bashar was his eye doctor.
Dave covers one eye with his hand as if taking an eye test. It is spelled out as he reads.
DAVE: "A . . . S . . . S . . . H . . . O . . . L . . .
CBS censors have no problem with A S S, but has an issue with H O L.
And now, "Bashar al-Assad: President of Laughs."
ART CARD: BASHAR AL-ASSAD: PRESIDENT OF LAUGHS
We see the Syrian leader in an interview with Charlie Rose. Mr. Rose poses the question: "Do you consider chemical warfare equivalent to nuclear warfare?"
BASHAR: "I don't know. We haven't tried either!"
Rimshot - big smile and laugh from the Bash.
ART CARD: BASHAR AL-ASSAD: PRESIDENT OF LAUGHS
Dave admires the bumper shot coming back from commercial. I missed what was said but I'm told we saw the Brooklyn Bridge, the Ed Koch/Queensboro/59th Street Bridge, and the Williamsburg Bridge. The bridges span the East River. Dave says that technically, the East River isn't really a river, but an estuary. From back in the shack, someone hands me a scribbled note: "East River is a tidal strait, not an estuary."
We cut suddenly to this announcement: "And now, a message from the President of the United States."
We find a janitor wiping down the desk of the White House Oval Office. He looks up to find that he is on camera. He apologizes, "Oh, sorry. Accidentally hit the button." He reaches under the desk to hit the camera's "off" button.
ANNOUNCE: "We now return you to your regularly-scheduled program."
TOP TEN: THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN AN OVAL OFFICE ADDRESS
4. "I've deployed three warships: The Bieber, The Roker, and The Weiner."
I had a free second or two and jotted down possible Top Ten entries in case some the original Ten were deemed unworthy. My submissions:
- "Tonight's Oval Office Address is brought to you by Ovaltine"
- "We could sure use Superman right about now."
- "I will try to finish this in time for 'Amish Mafia'"
- "What? I thought this was supposed to be for tomorrow night!"
- "Excuse me a second while I finish this video poker hand."
- "My prostate is giving me fits."
When my Top Ten suggestions are not used, I pretend it's because the original ten were all accepted.
Billy has a new book out today, "Still Foolin' Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where The Hell Are My Keys?" Dave thanks Billy for all the kind mentions in the book about him. (Oh, it's fiction? Ha ha! That's just a joke. I do a lot of joking here at the Wahoo Gazette. It was a joke)
Dave asks, "So, how were your holidays?" Billy is a bit taken aback, "Oh, so suddenly it's 'your' holidays." Dave apologizes and explains that he is not Jewish. With mock astonishment, Billy barks, "You're not?!"
Billy asks Dave, "Who was that guy at the top of the show? He was jogging! That's not you! You run fast!" Dave smiles and says, "That may or may not be on the show." (Well, now I guess it's in. DING!)
Billy talks about the Jewish holidays, his raccoon problem back at the house, and tells a very funny story about Howard Cosell as his guest on his very first guest hosting duties on the Tonight Show. Billy caught the raccoon on his security camera. Turns out it was Regis in a raccoon costume. Hey, a gig's a gig. Billy then told his Howard Cosell story. Very funny, and I forgot how well he does a Howard Cosell impression.
"Still Foolin' Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where The Hell Are My Keys?" - in stores now.
And look for the Broadway return of Billy's show, "700 Sundays," coming this fall.
ANNOUNCE: "We've got blue chip entertainment tomorrow as Dave welcomes Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Keith Olbermann, and Keith Urban. And now, Did You Know? Lobsters only turn red when they're cooked, or when they're embarrassed. Stay here."
Sheryl lives in Nashville and has gone country. Her singing country may be unfamiliar to us but it's always been with her. She grew up listening to Gram Parsons and Emmylou Harris, and Patsy Cline and the Flying Burrito Brothers.
From her brand new CD, "Feels Like Home," Sheryl performed "Easy."
And that was our show for Tuesday September 10, 2013.
I always wonder about this . . . . when someone writes an autobiography, do they include and "About The Author" page in the back? For your notes, Billy Crystal did. So why read the whole book when you can just read the "About The Author" page?
The traffic is back! The traffic is back! Awful drive in to work Tuesday. Even worse on the way home. The summer is over. Everyone is back to work. I now have to leave a half hour earlier to arrive a half hour later than usual.
I drove my sister-in-law to the city on Monday. She has jury duty downtown. Downtown, like ALL the way downtown. Why do people from Rockland County have to do jury duty in the city? Doesn't the city have enough people? I always heard that New York City has a big population. My sister-in-law had to be in by 9:15 AM. We left the house at 7:00 AM. She didn't get home till 9:00 PM. She's taking the bus both ways the rest of the week. Each day of jury duty is costing her at least $30 and 14 hours. Is this what jury duty is supposed to be? And Rockland isn't even the farthest county from NYC jury duty. Putnam, Orange, Dutchess, and Sullivan County residents are responsible, too. Look 'em up on the map. It's ridiculous.
My philosophy when it comes to being on a jury: "He's probably guilty of something."
First day of school got me to thinking about homework. Ever hear of the 10-minute rule for homework? A child should get no more than 10 minutes of homework for each grade level they are in. For instance: 1st graders should have 10 minutes of homework; 2nd graders 20 minutes; 3rd graders 30 minutes; up to two hours for high school seniors. Makes sense . . . . up to 11th grade. The 120 minutes of homework a night for seniors, maybe not. 12th grade is like the last hour of work on Friday. It's no time to be given new work.
CONGRATULATIONS! Congratulations to Wahoo reader George Carver. In Monday's Wahoo, I had secretly embedded within the text the following:
"To the first one to e-mail me, I will send him or her a signed one-dollar bill."
George Carver was the first to e-mail me and will soon be receiving an autographed one-dollar bill from Wahoo Mike! Wow, life is full of surprises! Once again, congratulations to George Carver. Hope you're reading this!
Time for This Date in Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader History
From September 10, 1999 - From Dallas, Texas, a man who's been teased his whole life about his name, Michael Frisbie.
This concludes another installment of This Date In CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
On her first full day of school, teacher Laura Ann Spitz.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
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