Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Keith Olbermann, and Keith Urban.
PLUS: Nobody Cares; highlights from the U.S. Open; Obama's speech; and a Top Ten list.
" . . . . and now, Hercules in a business suit . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
-"Anthony Weiner came in 5th in the primary for city mayor. New Yorkers are going to miss him. It's always nice having someone you can feel morally superior to."
-"Anthony Weiner is retiring from public life to spend more time with his cell phone."
Got a minute? Good. Because it's time for "Nobody Cares"
ART CARD: NOBODY CARES
We see Mr. Anthony Weiner speaking at a podium . . . . I mean, lectern . . . about to throw in the towel in his bid for Mayor of New York City.
Anthony Weiner: " . . . . I have to say, ladies and gentlemen..."
Quick cut out to Art Card: NOBODY CARES
The U.S. Open finished up on Monday night but people are still talking about the thrilling two weeks of tennis competition. Not only was the tennis great, but we have highlights for a specific niche. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "The 2013 US Open is history. Relive the thrills, the drama and the action with ‘U.S. Open Towel Highlights.'"
We see various shots of players wiping the sweat from their bodies using the official U.S. Open towels.
ANNOUNCE: "The world's best players! And soft, absorbent cotton towels. Wiping. Mopping. Dabbing. A full hour of unforgettable moments. ‘U.S. Open Towel Highlights.' Tomorrow night, only on CBS."
What amount the U.S. Tennis Association charges to carry the Open, can you blame CBS for trying to make some of it back?
Did you watch Obama's speech last night on what he plans to do with Syria and Bashar? His speech took place in the East Wing of the White, not in the Oval Office like many had believed. The East Wing is a little less formal than the Oval Office. We take a look.
While Obama is speeching, we see a woman in curlers take a seat along the wall under a fancy salon hair dryer . . . the kind our moms used to have. The woman must have a nice evening planned.
But if you didn't watch the speech, we have something here that will catch you up to speed. It's a "Recap Of President Obama's Address on Syria.
ART CARD: RECAP OF PRESIDENT OBAMA'S ADDRESS ON SYRIA
We see the President at a po . . . lectern. He says, "My fellow Americans / Bashar al-Assad / is / an / overwhelming / prick."
What?! I just learned we had to bleep "prick". But it was the President who said it. We were just reporting. So . . . . gassing Syrians with chemicals is OK to many Americans, but saying "prick" is not?
Obama's speech last night was like a bad episode of "Mad Men." You expected more, but it came in flat. That's usually followed by a really good one, so we'll wait and see. Dave has a plan on how to get Bashar al-Assad out in the open. Pretend he's won a big flat screen TV. When he comes to collect, you kill him. I think that's how we got Osama bin Laden. I'm proud to say we got Saddam Hussein using my plan. That was to go into Iraq and from a bull horn, yell out "Olly olly oxen free!" But the President isn't going to implement Dave's plan. Instead, Obama is going to let Vladimir Putin take over. Not sure how much of a buddy buddy Vlad is to the U.S. but one thing for sure . . . he gets things done.
TOP TEN: ANTHONY WEINER FUTURE PLANS – He's out of the race and all he's got now is time on his hands.
ANTHONY WEINER FUTURE PLANS
10. Spend more time disgracing his family
6. Just hang out.
3. Learn to play the drums (we see a vt of Weiner behind a drum set. He has his hands clasped behind his head in relaxation. His "drum stick" is pixilated.)
My last second submissions in case needed:
-Become spokesperson for Subway's 5-dollar foot-long.
-Look for his wife.
-Learn to use Instagram.
The last time Joe was here he was promoting one of the Batman movies. He played Robin and eventually, I think, became a future Batman. You see, Batman isn't a person but a symbol. Anyone can be a Batman, I think, but only one Batman at a time, I think. Sorry, but the only Batman I watch is the TV Batman with Adam West. You can ask me anything about that.
Some years back, Joseph's brother was to appear on the Late Show in Is This Anything. His brother, Burning Dan, did some kind of fire dance. He was all set to go but, unfortunately, guest Michael Keaton went long and Burning Dan was bumped. Burning Dan, who sadly has since passed away, never made it on. Tonight, we show the rehearsal clip of brother Dan dancing with fire. There he was performing on the very stage graced by The Beatles and great performers from around the world.
Joseph's new film, "Don Jon," is one he also wrote and directed. It's an idea he's had for a film forever, based on the unrealistic thinking of women who want a man like they see in the movies, and the unrealistic thinking of men who want a woman like they see in the pornos they pretend not to watch. Joseph could never quite get the right angle to write the movie until he did a film with Seth Rogen. Rogen offered advice and some primo weed. That was all that was needed for Joseph to get started. That's interesting, because everything I know about the Mary Jane is that it's a great motivator. It really gets you up and going.
"Don Jon" – it opens September 27th.
He's got a new new show on the ESPN2 called, "Olbermann." Dave says that in the time we've known Keith, he's had 19 new shows . . . and then something always happens.
Dave never fails to mention Keith's extra-large head. Mr. O says his head measures an 8. As with many big-headed men, Keith knows fellow big heads. He mentions baseball manager Bruce Bochy. His head is an 8 1/4. They once tried to take a picture together but they couldn't fit both heads into the shot.
Keith's new show will have him talking sports, and nothing but sports. Dave saw a report he featured recently concerning concussions in football. He was responding to an article that claimed the recent payment settlement by the NFL of $765 million was a money-grab by many of the former NFL player plaintiffs. Olbermann dissected the article line-by-line. Keith has seen and spoken to many of the players who are now walking a thin line of sanity because of the head-bangs suffered from playing the sport. Keith remembers covering the players' strike of 1982 and one of the demands was their wanting to see their own medical records and for an increase in concussion research. This has been a concern of the players for 30 years! This is not new. Would re-teaching the players how to tackle cut down on the head injuries? From my own personal history, I remember tackling with my head in high school. I got my share of head-stingers. Is tackling today a lost art? Well, I remember watching a highlight reel of former St. Louis Cardinals safety #8 Larry Wilson. If you want to teach today's players the right way to tackle leading with your shoulder, watch Larry Wilson. He retired in 1972.
What's the deal with Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel? He's in hot water for not giving the NCAA a cut when he made some money selling his autograph. That's not allowed! The mafi . . . the NCAA has to get a percent off the top of any illegal money made by the players when they try to make money off their name. This is how screwy the NCAA is. Back when Lebron James was in high school and considering skipping college to go right into the pros, he came under investigation for accepting a free "throw-back" football jersey from a local sporting goods store. A player cannot not accept free stuff. The NCAA made a big deal out of it. Now if Lebron didn't accept the free jersey and instead STOLE it . . . . . he would have been better off. Stealing is OK. Giving something free is not.
Oh, Manziel was suspended for half-a-game for his making side money by signing his name to some Manziel Texas A&M jerseys. Meanwhile, go to the NCAA online store and you can buy the Manziel Texas A&M #2 jersey. Johnny Manziel doesn't get a penny of that, but the NCAA and Texas A&M does.
Whenever I see Keith Olbermann, his look reminds me of Steve Allen. Anybody?
Going into one of the commercial breaks, we see Biff Henderson featured in the Backstage Photo Club.
ANNOUNCE: "Join us again tomorrow as Dave welcomes Alec Baldwin, and Toni Collette. We'll be right back with the amazing true story of a dog that traveled over 200 miles to get a document notarized."
From his new album, "Fuse," Keith Urban performed ""Good Thing."
And that was our show for Wednesday, September 11, 2013.
From my office window I look west toward the Hudson River. I remember being here 12 years ago on that day looking down onto 8th Avenue. All day long, hundreds . . . thousands of people walking north. There was no mass transit. Everything was shut down. People had to get home. Walking was the only way.
Every year on the anniversary of 9/11, all the local New York channels broadcast the reading of the names of the 2,996 who died on that tragic day. Two readers will recite a list of 20 or so names, ending with a comment about a personal friend or family member who had died that day. Very emotional. It lasts well over three hours, commercial free. Is this true throughout the country? Do they air this in Chicago? Miami? Dallas? L.A.? Or is it just here.
My daughters were in kindergarten on 9/11. I was in kindergarten when JFK was assassinated. The way I remember JFK is sort of how they remember 9/11.
On September 11, 2001, I remember thinking of the quote following the assassination of President Kennedy. Columnist Mary McGrory said to future New York Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan, "We'll never laugh again." Moynihan replied, "Mary, we'll laugh again, but we'll never by young again."
And it reminded me of the feeling expressed by George Orwell's "Coming Up For Air," and how much the mood and thinking of his world had changed following the first World War. That's what I got out of the back, anyway.
Oh, and nice job by Boston's Logan Airport. They decided that September 11th would be a good day to conduct a fire training exercise at the airport, with smoke and fire and all that good stuff. Insensitive? Oh, yeah, just a bit. When something that dumb takes place, I always think of the same thing. Someone had to come up with the idea, and then someone else had to say, "Yeah! Good idea!" It's takes at least two people to give this the green light, but in this case there had to be dozens who saw the plan and said nothing. I'm sure someone made mention that it might not be a good day to conduct such an exercise, but unfortunately he was probably too far down the ladder to be taken seriously.
The Wahoo Gazette: where the first draft is the final draft.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Retired FDNY fireman, Jerry O'Reilly.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee