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Thursday, September 12, 2013 A quiet crowd makes Biff think Dave needs a new mic.
Show #3905
Alec Baldwin, and Toni Collette.
PLUS: Biff Trying to Help; Presidential War Speeches; the NFL on CBS; Drink Up with Michelle Obama; and a Top Ten List.

" . . . . and now, conductor of the Ha Ha Express . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
To open the show, someone runs across the stage, soon followed by Dave. Who was it?

- "New York Yankee Derek Jeter is out for the season. Jeter is known as being the face of the Yankees. A-Rod is known as the ass of the Yankees."
- "Pope Francis has proclaimed that atheists and agnostics can get into heaven. But they still can't get into the Admiral's Club." (I'm not sure why I liked that joke so much. I know it sounded like a funny joke)

Biff enters. He is holding a hand-microphone. He offers it to Dave.
BIFF: "Here you go."
DAVE: (confused) "Biff, I don't use a hand mic for the monologue."
BIFF: "You sure?"
DAVE: "Yes. I've been doing it the same way for 30 years. I'm sure."
BIFF: "Oh. It seemed kind of quiet. I thought maybe people couldn't hear you." Biff exits, glancing back just before he disappears through the guest entrance.

Time for Memorable Presidential War Speeches.
ART CARD: MEMORABLE PRESIDENTIAL WAR SPEECHES
ANNOUNCE: "November 3, 1969"
We see Nixon:
NIXON: "The question facing us today is now that we are in the war, what is the best way to end it?"
ANNOUNCE: "November 27, 1995"
We see Bill Clinton: "People all around the world are now looking to America for leadership. So let us lead."
ANNOUNCE: "April 17, 2008"
We see George W. Bush: "As long as I'm the president, my measure of success is victory . . . and success."
ART CARD: MEMORABLE PRESIDENTIAL WAR SPEECHES
CBS Sports is always looking to make good better, and then better the best. They come up with this in the football coverage.
ANNOUNCE: "We were the first network to broadcast the NFL in high definition. We were the first network to put microphones on coaches. And now the 'NFL on CBS' is proud to announce our newest innovation: seasoned sports commentators on the actual field of play." We see a CBS commentator in business attire on the field of play. He barks signals. He receives the ball, and then is leveled by a charging lineman. From his reaction, I don't think he was wearing a cup.
ANNOUNCE: "The 'NFL on CBS': We'll see you on the field."

ACT 2:
Hey, do you like water? If you're a typical American, you probably don't drink it as much as you should. Well, Dave received a phone call the other day from none other than the First Lady, Michelle Obama. She's kicking off a campaign for Americans to start drinking more water. It's the best and simplest thing we can do to improve our health. 40% of Americans drink less than half the recommended daily amount. Dave admits to being a dehydrate himself. He says he doesn't drink nearly enough water. He sometimes feels like that guy who crawled out of the desert with Howard Hughes' will. Hoo, boy, what a reference? I did a quick check on the Google and couldn't come up with the name I thought Dave was after. I later realized the name I did find, Melvin Dummar, was the name Dave wanted. The trial of the Howard Hughes will, found to be a forgery, was in 1978. I was in college in 1978, so I had no knowledge of anything going on in the world. But back to the First Lady and water. Michelle Obama's campaign is titled, "Drink Up," and we show a clip of her appeal.

We find the First Lady in an office setting with a lot of books in the background.

MICHELLE OBAMA: "Hey, Dave, here are the Top Ten reasons we all should drink more water. Actually, you just need one, because we are what we drink. Water gives us the energy we need to do more and to feel better. OK, I guess another reason is it's a good excuse to steal your coffee mug. Drink up, Dave."

I drink beer like water, but that doesn't count.

TOP TEN: THINGS NEVER BEFORE SAID BY A POPE - Pope Francis announced that God will forgive atheists and agnostics. Dave gives his views on God. God is fine with you if you just get along and live a good life.
A lot of people believe that if you don't believe in the God they believe in and believe the way they do, then God will come down and beat you to a pulp. But God doesn't work that way. He doesn't hate. It's impossible to hate. Be good and do good, and you'll be good.

Before we get to the Top Ten, Dave senses he's a mite dehydrated. He finds his glass to be empty. He barks, "Can I get some more G-darn water!" A glass of water is quickly run out. But there is something going on in his glass of water. It's the carbonated kind. Dave says it's not carbonated; it's simply New York City tap water. But we New Yorkers know that our tap water is some of the best in the world. It's award-winning. Our water is tapped down from the beautiful Catskill Mountains. No need for the bottled here.

THINGS NEVER BEFORE SAID BY A POPE
9. "Only Judy can judge me"
3. "Ladies and gentlemen, Hoobastank"
2. "We should probably tell the authorities about this."

ACT 3:
ALEC BALDWIN
Alec enters drinking up. He's onboard. Alec is a new dad, papa to a 3-week-old baby girl. We see photos. Dave thinks it would be so great to have a 17-year-old daughter and a 3-week-old daughter like Alec. Alec smiles and says nothing, realizing Dave doesn't have a 17-year-old daughter. Dave knows not. Oh, the adventures of an older teen daughter.
Photos of Alec, his wife Hilaria, and baby are in the current People magazine. They posed specifically for the mag and then donated the money to a charity in Spain, the RANA Foundation, which supports those abused.

Dave has a question . . . is it once a month? 6 weeks? Every 6 months? How often is it? What is the cycle that Alec is on where he strangles a photographer? Alec says it seems to be daily. I'm on Alec's side on this. It's why I don't become famous. I couldn't take the offensive unprofessional professional picture takers.

Alec is a big classical music fan and the voice of the New York Philharmonic. He's also the Artistic Advisor for the upcoming New York Philharmonic's "The Art of the Score: Film Week at the Philharmonic" that will take place next week, September 17th-21st. The event will offer two concert programs of film music -- "Hitchcock" and "2001: Space Odyssey" - that will highlight some of films most fascinating uses of music.

We then take a look at a recent altercation between Alec and a photographer. Alec seems to be getting the best of the foto-fool. Alec will often make time for professional photographers. He realizes they have a job to do. And he often realizes there will always be photographers who take photos from across the street or down the block with a zoom lens. There isn't much you can do to stop that. It's the guys with the camera who jump out from behind a parked car and intrude and frighten. Those are the ones who deserve the beating. And those who are getting beaten get exactly what they want because another guy is set up to photograph the confrontation. In Los Angeles, you can live without ever setting foot on public land. If you really wanted, you could avoid many of these picture takers. You can drive from here to there, private garage to private garage. But in New York you are out among the people, "millionaires and whores, shoulder to shoulder."

And there's more! Alec is excited about his upcoming documentary to be shown on HBO on October 28th entitled "Seduced and Abandoned" about two guys in Cannes trying to drum up financial backing for a film they want to make.

Oh, and keep an eye out for Alec's new late night talk show on MSNBC, "Up Late With Alec Baldwin," Friday nights at 10 PM coming this fall.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "It's an entertainment bonanza tomorrow as Dave welcomes Dr. Phil, and Tom Dreesen. Did You Know? 68% of alligators are under the impression they're crocodiles.
Back after this."

ACT 7:
TONI COLLETTE
She's an Aussie! And she's got a new show on . . . CBS! She plays a surgeon who is asked to perform an operation on the President of the United States. The night before the procedure, she and her family are taken hostage where she is then offered freedom only if she kills the President. And that's where it starts. Toni goes back to Australia quite a bit. Dave says he is afraid to go to Australia. He's afraid people would beat him up. It was originally a penal colony and Dave feels the people are a bit dangerous. Plus, the critters are strange and dangerous and would kill you.
Dave would like to go to New Zealand. There's nothing to fear there. And it's beautiful. Toni agrees. New Zealand is safe and beautiful. Nothing will kill you there. You can sleep in the nude and nothing will get you. Dave laughs and sighs, " . . . and that's their slogan."

"Hostages" - you can find it on the CBS beginning September 23rd at 10:00 PM. Who kidnaps the surgeon the night before the surgery of the President? Oh, I have an idea, but I ain't telling.

And that was our show for Thursday September 12, 2013.

Pope Francis was given a car by an Italian priest. The NCAA is investigating.

So when Dave was searching for the name of the guy who emerged from the desert with Howard Hughes' will, I wasn't thinking of Melvin Dummar. Nope. I was thinking of Clifford Irving. Clifford Irving wrote a fictitious Howard Hughes autobiography. Since Howard Hughes was deep in seclusion, Irving figured he could write it and never be confronted by Mr. Hughes. BUZZ. Sued and jailed in the early 70s.

During the monologue, Dave seemed a bit surprised that CBS was carrying the New York Jets/New England Patriots game. Wouldn't that put us in a delay? Well, the game was carried by the NFL Network for everyone but the New York metro area and those in the New England Patriots territory. The teams involved in the game were shown on "free" TV. Not everybody gets the NFL Network. So, in New York, Dave and the show were delayed for nearly an hour. Not sure if the Patriots were on CBS in New England.

ESPN NEWS! ESPN reports that the AFC North was winless in its opening week for the first time since 2002! Wowee! BUT . . . what they don't tell you is that this only the 4th time since 2002 that 2 teams from the AFC North didn't open the season against each other; the others being in 2003, 2006, 2009, and 2010. All the other years, an AFC North team played another AFC North team in the opening week, guaranteeing a win for one of the AFC North teams.
The odds of all four teams losing (when not playing each other) is one in 16. This is the 2nd time in 5 that the AFC North all lost the opening weekend. The fact that they all lost an opening weekend game for the first time in a long time is not the real story. ESPN made this sound like a rarity. The story is that the all lost AGAIN! It should happen one in 16 times. Here it's already happened twice in five . . . . I think. How's my math? Does that make sense?

Remember I congratulated Wahoo Reader George Carver for discovering an embedded message in a Wahoo? For his finding, I sent him a signed one-dollar bill by Wahoo Mike. Oops. My spellcheck changed Craver to Carver. It should have been "Congratulations, George Craver."
By the way . . . . George Carver, when you receive a one-dollar bill in the mail, would you please forward it to George Craver.

Time for This Date in Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader History
From 9/12/00 - Paul Roth. Thank you Paul for informing me it was Johnny who ate the potato chip and not David Letterman.
This concludes another installment of This Date In Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader History.

Who was it that ran across the stage before Dave? It was Jay Johnson, Creative Director, Digital Media here at the Late Show. Could this become our new "putting away the Late Show bear" or maybe even a guest-related "Cape thing"? I'm not going to suggest using guests until they first use me.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's The Hoop! Toughest 8th grade nose tackle I knew. It's his fault I went from center to quarterback. Happy Birthday, Pomona Junior High School grad Kevin Hooper.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Zoe Saldana
Jay Carney
Crash

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