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Friday, September 27, 2013 Steve Martin gets desperate in his attempt to lose weight.
Show #3911
Steve Martin, Kathleen Madigan, and The Kruger Brothers, featuring Steve Martin.
PLUS: U.N. Stimulating the Economy?; the U.N. Guide Channel; Who Didn't Win A Genius Grant; a look at U.S. Senate History; the CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent; and a Top Ten list.

" . . . . and now, happy just to be nominated . . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"The Government is about to run out of money. What America needs is a brother-in-law."
-"The Post Office wants to raise rates again. If only there were some less expensive, electronic way to communicate . . . ."
-There's a new Showtime series entitled, ‘Masters of Sex.' Heck, I didn't even get my High School Diploma of Sex."

Big happenings all this week in New York City with the United Nations General Assembly. Hundreds of delegates are in town letting loose. This brings us to a new segment, "United Nations: Stimulating The Economy." We take a look at this news interview with local Cheetah's Strip Club Manager, Joe Goncalves.
ART CARD: UNITED NATIONS: STIMULATING THE ECONOMY
Strip Club Manager, Joe Goncalves: "We had one of the best weekends over this past weekend. And we had a lot of foreign people come into the club!!"
ART CARD: UNITED NATIONS: STIMULATING THE ECONOMY

It's been quite a week at the United Nations General Assembly here in the city. So much was going on. We take a peek at what was on the schedule today.
ART CARD: U.N. GUIDE CHANNEL – Captioning under each still shot.
8 AM: Seminar: "Border Disputes for Beginners"
9 AM: Character Breakfast, Main Cafeteria
10 AM: Square Dancing Clinic, Kofi Annan Room
11 AM: Speech by Tony Robbins: "Be A Great Country"
NOON: Workshop: "Advanced Corruption Techniques"
1 PM: Middle East Karaoke Semi-Finals
2 PM: "Is Your Flag Lame?"
3 PM: Panel Discussion: "Best New York Shopping Deals"

The MacArthur Foundation has awarded its 201 Genius Grants to creative individuals with strong potential for future achievements. Tonight, we've put together a new segment entitled, "People Who Didn't Win Genius Grants." We watch.
ART CARD: PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T WIN GENIUS GRANTS
ANNOUNCE: "The inventor of the lasagna hat."
We see a guy put a saucy lasagna square on his head.
ART CARD: PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T WIN GENIUS GRANTS

We have a new segment tonight called, "United States Senate History." We take a look.
ART CARD: UNITED STATES SENATE HISTORY
We see Ted Cruz (R-Texas) on the Senator Floor.
ANNOUNCE: "Texas Senator Ted Cruz delivered a 21 hour speech on the floor of the United States Senate, a demonstration of a Senate rule established in 1806 which reads: ‘The Senate shall allow any Senator to speak even if he is a half-baked jackass.'"
ART CARD: UNITED STATES SENATE HISTORY

ACT 2:
We've been hearing a lot about the federal budget, the debt ceiling, and a possible government shutdown. It's all pretty confusing, so to explain it, we have with us, via satellite from London, CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones.
We see a split screen of Dave at The Ed; Fenwick-Jones pretending to be in London.
DAVE: "Thanks for joining us, Graham. It seems like we go through this every year. Why are we again facing the possibility of a government shutdown?"
GRAHAM: "Well, Dave, we've seen the Tories in a nark on the custard and jelly, getting into a two-and-eight over every farthing and thruppence, stopping over every florin and two-bob bit the president scrumps from their Lucy Locket. Bangers and mash and toad-in-the hole."
DAVE: "I see. And how is each side approaching the dispute?"
GRAHAM: "Tories say the budget's on the never-never, so they'll argue the toss and tell Obama ‘On your bike.' But he's no Vicar of Bray. He says budge up and chivvy along and if we give it some stick and show the old Dunkirk spirit, we can be right royal and sound as a pound within the fortnight. Apples and pears and a bit of the other."
DAVE: "And how will this affect the debt ceiling crisis that's coming in a few weeks."
GRAHAM: "It's daft as a brush and sure to come a cropper if Congress goes off their chump bringing coals to Newcastle. If these blinkered sods don't open their lug holes and have a chin wag, you can bet the Queen's bubble and squeak we'll end up scrounging for farthings on Carey Street. Rumpy-pumpy, meat and two veg."
DAVE: "I think that clears it all up. It's always good to see you, Graham. Graham Fenwick-Jones, ladies and gentlemen."
GRAHAM: "Well, aren't you a big girl's blouse."

Strange . . . I think I'm starting to understand him.

TOP TEN: NON-ESSENTIAL GOVERNMENT AGENCIES – If Congress doesn't pass a spending bill by October 1st, non-essential government agencies and personnel will shut down.
NON-ESSENTIAL GOVERNMENT AGENCIES
8. FBI Schwarz
7. United States Maureen Corps
4. Congress
2. National Endowment of the ‘Underendowed'

Before throwing to commercial, Dave asks, "When we have Graham Fenwick-Jones, is it my imagination or can you actually smell gin?"

ACT 3:
STEVE MARTIN

Steve congratulates Dave on his 20th year at CBS. He was going to send a note but decided that it would take a lot of work.
And congratulations to Steve Martin who, it was recently announced, will receive an honorary Academy Award for lifetime achievement for his body of work. Steve has won an Emmy Award, 4 Grammy's, an Oscar, but not yet a Tony. They call winning the Grand Slam an EGOT. Without the Tony, Steve has what every other celebrity has in Hollywood: an EGO. Steve will receive the Award at a small gathering, not at the big Oscar gala. He's happy about that, but he will wear a tuxedo. Steve questions Dave about his choice of business attire. The double-breasted suit . . . . Steve is confident they are still sold somewhere and . . . why does Dave wear the double-breasted jacket open? It blouses out. Why not just wear a dress?
Hmm, I picture Dave in a dress on the streets of Chicago with Dennis Rodman. Or maybe that was just a dream I had after eating a pizza with anchovies. Not only is Steve proud of his upcoming lifetime achievement award, he's also pleased with his successful weight-loss plan. So proud, in fact, that he videotaped his 8-week plan. And he brought it with him. Not the whole 8 weeks; just the highlights. We take a look.
-We see Steve weighing himself – 185.
-Preparing vegetables --- we see Steve slicing away at a carrot. The results: carrot slices and finger pieces.
-Aerobics – sitting in an easy chair pressing the remote from channel to channel – One two one two one two.
-Toe touches – from a sitting position
-Portion control – Steve halves his meal, putting half in a dog dish for his pet.
-Hunger later – gobbling up the other half of the meal from the dog dish.
-Before and After photo – one-pound loss

And the busy Steve Martin also has his elbow in the video gaming business with his new "Grand Theft Banjo." We see a short bit of it. Steve gets his banjo stolen. "Banjo-jacked!" Steve has high hopes for the game, but I don't see it.

Steve is also here to mention the winner of the 4th Annual Steve Martin Prize for Excellence in Banjo and Bluegrass. This year it goes to Switzerland's Jens Kruger. When Jens was 10 years old, all he had was a neck of a banjo; no drum. But from that he taught himself chords and proper fingering. When he got the rest of his banjo, a full banjo for the first time, he performed professionally two weeks later.

And you can see Steve Martin on tour with Edie Brickell and the Steep Canyon Rangers at a city near you. October 2nd, it's Seattle.

Going into commercial: Tonight's Backstage Photo Club: Pat Farmer.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Get back here Monday for Dave and his guests Sean Hayes, and Sting. Man, do I love the sound of my own voice."

ACT 6:
KATHLEEN MADIGAN

The price of a postage stamp is going up. People complain. Really? Kathleen is still in awe that a piece of paper here in New York can be in Alaska in just a couple days. Cost to you: 46 cents. It's one of the few things we do well in America and it goes unappreciated.
Her hour-long special "Madigan Again" is now available on Netflix and will be released as a CD and audio download on October 1st.

ACT 7:
THE KRUGER BROTHERS, WITH STEVE MARTIN

Their new album is entitled, "Best of the Kruger Brothers."
Tonight they performed "Jack of the Wood" from their "Between The Notes" album.

And that was our show for Friday, September 27, 2013.

Uh oh. I put this away and meant to get back to it. Now it's almost quitting time. So what I have now is what you get. Enjoy the weekend.

Goals for this weekend:
-Learn enough about ObamaCare to carry on a limited conversation.
-Get Halloween decorations ready
-Cut the lawn for the last time this year

Remember when we used to play, "What Will Be The First New Show Canceled"? Anybody want to play again? Or is already too late?

So Yankee 2nd baseman Robinson Cano is a free agent. He's looking for $305 million over ten years. Yankees initial offer is half that. Cano is a star and the best player on the Yankees but . . . . . he doesn't hustle. I've given him a pass in the past because he is so smooth, it only looks like he isn't hustling. I used to think Hall of Famer Rod Carew didn't run hard until I saw him gliding to steal 2nd base. It didn't look like he was hustling, but you can't steal a base without hustling. BUT . . . . Robinson Cano does not hustle. His lack of hustle on groundballs results in the infielders realizing they don't have to hurry. With no worry to hurry, the fielders are relaxed. No tension. Less of a chance for an error. And when your best player on the team isn't a hustler . . . well, everyone else will take the lead from him. Derek Jeter is not the best Yankee player but he is and is still the leader. He broke in when Don Mattingly was the leader. I think Derek learned a lot from him. From Mattingly to Jeter, the Yankees have had nearly 3 decades of a strong, do-it-the-right-way leader at the top. Others on the team followed suit. And now if the Yankees re-sign Robinson, they will have him as the guy the other model after. And that is NOT a good thing, no matter how good Robinson Cano may be.
Oh, and asking $305 million for 10 years . . . . . can you please explain the 5 million? Why not just 300 million? Is the extra 5 for negotiating purposes? "OK, I'll come down 5 mil"? Is that it?

Baseball question: Why is the MLB luxury tax threshold, 189 million, the same for NY as KC, when the cost of living in Manhattan is twice that of Kansas City? Why should teams in Boston and San Francisco and New York have the same salary limit as Kansas City and Arlington and Milwaukee? I'll duck under my desk while you write in with your responses.

Now I know what it's like to be a Chicago Cubs fan.

Time now for This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History.
From September 27, 2001: "From Owensboro, Kentucky, it's Rich Suwanski"
This concludes another installment of This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Maine Medical Center, it's Donna Thorpe.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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