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Friday, July 25, 2014 From an ad in a newspaper... "Click here"?
Show #4062
Former Army Staff Sergeant Ryan Pitts, and Sharon Van Etten.
PLUS: Good Enough for July; People Who Don't Use 100% of Their Brain; a Top Ten list; and Small Town News.

" . . . and now, Atlantic City casino magnate . . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
- "'Hercules' opens this weekend. It's not easy being Hercules. People are always asking you to help them move."
- Celebrity birthday: Batman turned 75 years old yesterday. So old, now the only reason he wears a cape is because he's chilly."

Dave's pre-show Q&A . . . who does Dave think he is, Carol Burnett? Forever the show would start at the same precise moment every night whether we were ready or not. His pre-show chat was short, concise and timed to the second. Now he lingers, interacts, takes his time, the clock is of no matter. Some of tonight's chatter centered around a question of Dave's preference for the University of Montana Grizzlies or the Montana State Bobcats. Dave's answer somehow meandered into a story about a horse exploding.

It's hot, the world's a mess, we're tired. We decided to go with "Good Enough For July."
We see a naked hot dog.
ANNOUNCE: "Transfurters."
We see the hot dog transform into an angry robot, but keeping it's frankfurter texture.
ANNOUNCE: "'Good Enough For July' is a presentation of the Science Fiction Meat Council.'"

Scarlett Johansson has a new movie coming out this weekend called "Lucy," about a woman who uses 100% of her brain. This got us to thinking of people who don't.
We see a sailboat floating down the river about to go under a drawbridge. . . . but the drawbridge is descending. The sailboat's mast hits the bridge and cracks in half. You couldn't hear it but I bet if there was audio, you would have heard something like this: "My father is going to kill me!"

Dave examines the cue cards. He's not ready for the next one up. He wants to skip ahead to the next joke. Tony fumbles around with the cards, finding it difficult to re-slot the order of jokes. Dave helps out. He holds the one that was on top and goes off the next one Tony is holding. I don't remember what the joke was, but we then did another one of those bits about people who don't use 100% of their brains.

We see a grassy hill. At the top of the hill we see a guy or two holding a huge truck tire; big size, like 6 feet in diameter. In the middle of the hill is a ramp that leads to a jump. At the bottom of the hill . . . well, we'll get to that. We see the guys at the top release the tire. It rolls down the hill and onto the ramp up to the jump. The tire sails through the sky and lands on the crotch of a waiting guy sitting spread-eagle. It's a direct hit. And that was the goal. It's like a Dick Cheney Summer Camp.

How about one more . . .
We see Bush 43, George W., attempting to make a speech, going something like this:
"I think . . . tide turning . . . see, as I remember . . . I was raised in the desert, but . . . . it's easy to see a tide turn . . . . . Did I say those words?"

Unfortunately, I think that was the President using 100% of his brain.

ACT 2:
It's Thursday, so you know what that means; it's time for Small Town News. Dave says we have been doing Small Town News since the daytime show in 1980. He adds that is why this might seem a little tired.

- The Naples Daily News (Naples, Florida) - a restaurant ad: "Try our new Viaggra Wrap" - why not? The restaurant is right across from the hospital.
- The Stokes News (Walnut Cover, North Carolina) - "Community Yard Sale, Saturday May 32nd."
- The Flathead Beacon (Kalispell, Montana) - from the Police Blotterr: "A dispatcher overheard a car full of girls singing 'This Is How You Jiggle' during an accidental 911 call" --- and this happened at 2:38 PM.
- The Terre Haute Tribune Star (Terre Haute, Indiana) - A classified ad - "Fish to stalk your pond."
- The Snoqualmie Valley Record (Snoqualmie, Washington) - A Police Report - "A caller told police there had been two bears in front of his house, but he'd told them to go home, and they did."
- The Rapid City Journal (Rapid City, South Dakota) - "Correction: In the page A4 story 'Man Dies In Hot Tub at Swim Center,' The Journal incorrectly reported the condition of the man. He is recovering at a local hospital."
- The Independent (St. George, Utah) - "Intuitive (Tarot) consultations. $37 per session. Click here for more information." --- it was an ad in the newspaper . . . "click here"?
- The Banner Press (Marble Hill, Missouri) - "The signs that designate the former security bank building as Marble Hill City Hall were installed last week. Demolition work on the building begins this week."
- The Big Nickel (Sparks, Nevada) - an employment ad: "Wild Cat Brothel, Mina, Nevada, needs women! For all positions. Call Phil." Dave is amused that a guy who works a brothel is name Phil.
- The St. Paul Pioneer Press (St. Paul, Minnesota) - "Police: Man charged in theft had TV in pants. It was a 19-inch flat screen television. He also had several other items, including a remote control, power cords, and a bottle of brake fluid."

And that was Small Town News. If you have some of your own, forget Alameda. Send them here.

ACT 3:
The 28-year-old from New Hampshire is the 9th living service member since Vietnam to receive the Medal of Honor, the United States Military's Most Prestigious Award. Ryan is married and they have a one-year-old son. Ryan currently works at Oracle in business development, or something like that. When you get to be my age, and Dave's, most jobs tiles and descriptions are foreign to us. 40 years ago, when someone said what they did for a living, you knew what they did. Now, forget the job title, I don't even understand the job description.

Dave holds up a photo of Ryan's "Life Plan" he prepared when he was in kindergarten. It included his being born (check), a professional football player (buzz), and joining the military (check). Ryan says he always admired the military uniform and those who wore it. In his senior year in high school, Ryan decided to join the Army. He went to basic training in Georgia, onto Italy, and then to Afghanistan.

I can't imagine what that must be like. One day you're in the green hills of New Hampshire, and the next thing you know you're in Afghanistan. I remember how I felt the day I became a NYPD police officer. I was walking a beat . . . in a very nice part of the Upper West Side . . . and saw my reflection in a store window. The sight of me in uniform was frightening. I couldn't believe what had happened. Okay, now multiply that a million times. That's what our military combatants must feel.

Ryan's first deployment was in Afghanistan, just south of Kandahar. Their mission was to support the local government, provide security for the locals, and find and root out the enemy.
Ryan was proud of the roads and schools that were being constructed by the efforts.
His second deployment eventually found Ryan in Wanat, Afghanistan. We see a photo of the area. He was there only 5 days before the attack. It was not enough time for him to realize that this day was a bit different from the others. On this morning, he saw no one on their way to the fields. The villagers did not come out for work as they had before. Also, their weapons systems picked up 5 guys walking in the mountains. This isn't an area where you just go out for a stroll. That was very suspicious. And then within minutes, a full-scale assault descended upon them. Ryan was injured immediately. Bleeding from shrapnel, Ryan had a tourniquet applied to his leg. Grenades were exchanged. Ryan would pull the pin of his grenade and hold it . . . and hold it . . . before throwing. The enemy was maybe 5 to 15 yards away. The enemy was so close the he didn't want to throw the grenade and leave time for them to throw it back.

Okay, take a minute and picture 15 feet. Find something in your office or room that is 15 feet away. Now picture someone that far from you who is trying to kill you with weaponry. And now ask yourself what you were doing at 22 years old.
Terribly outnumbered, wounded, and running out of ammunition, Ryan was able to hold and defend the outpost position.
He took shrapnel heavily to his right leg, his front and back, his left leg, his arm, his forehead, and his Achilles was severed. Ryan was medically discharged in 2009 and attended college at the University of New Hampshire with a B.A. in business.

What would he tell his son if said he wanted to join the military when the time came. Ryan says he would be unbelievably proud. Dave is awed by the courage of Ryan. He says that Ryan's son has a father who received the Medal of Honor. "My son has a dad who wears makeup on TV."

Those who lost their lives as a result of the July 13, 2008 battle at Wanat:

In Memoriam
1st Lt. Jonathan P. Brostrom (24) - Honolulu, Hawaii
Sgt. Israel Garcia (24) - Long Beach, California
Cpl. Jonathan R. Ayers (24) - Snellville, Georgia
Cpl. Jason M. Bogar (25) - Seattle, Washington
Cpl. Jason D. Hovater (24) - Clinton, Tennessee
Cpl. Matthew B. Phillips (27) - Jasper, Georgia
Cpl. Pruitt A. Rainey (22) - Haw River, North Carolina
Cpl. Gunnar W. Zwilling (20) - Florissant, Missouri
Spc. Sergio S. Abad (21) - Morganfield, Kentucky

ANNOUNCE: "We're back at it tomorrow with Dave and his guests Michael Douglas, comedian Paul Morrissey, and Kiesza. Stay tuned for a sneak peek at trendy new vacuum cleaner bags for fall."

ACT 6:
Dave says he will never be able to fully appreciate the courage displayed by all the Medal of Honor recipients we've had on the program. They come from many different backgrounds from all 50 states and then find themselves in the most horrific of situations. And they go on, and keep going on, without regard for their own life; more concerned for the safety and lives of their fellow soldiers. It's remarkable.

ACT 7:
SHARON VAN ETTEN - From her new album, "Are We There," the New Jersey gal performed "Every Time the Sun Comes Up"

And that was our show for Thursday July 24, 2014.

I rehearsed something the other day and I was unhappy with my performance. I felt I could have done better. The worst part of not doing well in rehearsal is that the piece is not likely to be used for the show. And then I feel bad for the writer of the piece. It's not his or her fault, it's mine. And it takes away the possibility of a block of time taken planned for the show. Something else will now have to be considered, something that may have been planned for the next day or next week. I hate screwing up a rehearsal. But mostly I hate it because of the money lost.

This Date in Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader History
July 24, 2003: From Appleton, Wisconsin, it's Rick Steenis.
This concludes This Date In Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader History

Has there ever been a photo posted on Facebook that didn't include the response: "Stunning"

I need to learn how to regulate the thermostats in the house. I woke up this morning with the central air conditioner running and the heat on.

There's a report that Miami Heat's Ray Allen is thinking of joining LeBron in Cleveland. He's like that woman at the diner in "When Harry Met Sally." (I don't know . . . does that joke work?)

Tony Dungy . . . Branch Rickey is on the phone!

From Toronto, Ontario, it's Mike McErlain
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

John C. Reilly
Rachelle Lefevre
Conor Oberst

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Friday, July 25
From an ad in a newspaper... "Click here"?
Wednesday, July 23
The PonyCycle gets put out to pasture.
Tuesday, July 22
Naked daters and their disgusted chairs.
Monday, July 21
The Late Show turns into "MacArthur Park" for one night.
Friday, July 18
Intern Todd has fun at the 2014 All-Star Game.