Scarlett Johansson, John Mellencamp, and Todd Rundgren sitting in with the band.
Plus: Good Jockey/Bad Jockey; Google WiFi; the Daytime Emmys; a Top Ten list; and free shakes for the audience!
-“Less than a month left of shows. I better hurry and start using up my sick days.”
-“President Obama’s emails were hacked. The only emails I get are for low-cost cremations.”
The Kentucky Derby is this Saturday. The race will feature some of the most talented jockeys in the world. Of course, not every jockey can be so gifted. We take a look at this segment called, “Good Jockey / Bad Jockey.”
ART CARD: GOOD JOCKEY / BAD JOCKEY
ANNOUNCE: “Good jockey” – we see footage of an exciting, down to the wire horse race with a rousing announce by the broadcaster
ANNOUNCE: “Bad jockey” – we see a clip entitled, “Blake Shinn in a ‘Cracking’ Finish” As the horse cross the finish line, we the jockey on the 2nd horse with his pants fallen down to his thighs, revealing a full ass.
ANNOUNCE: “’This has been Good Jockey / Bad Jockey’”
Google announced a new WiFi service called “Project Fi.” They released this commercial. It’s a non-verbal commercial, text only, requiring you to read. Ugh.
-"We set out to build a new way to connect
-to build a network that connects
-Text Happy B-day!!!
-find the next train
-and send a picture of your junk
-A new way to share your junk
Were you excited? Did you watch the Daytime Emmys? Says Dave, “I don’t watch a lot of daytime television, but I guess that’ll change next month.”
They held the Daytime Emmys this weekend and did you see who won for Best Actor in a Recurring Role? It was that guy from “General Hospital” . . . . Luke. You know, the guy who married Laura . . . . Tony or Anthony Geary. We take a look at what won him the Daytime Emmy.
ART CARD: DAYTIME EMMY AWARD WINNING PERFORMANCES
We see the bearded Luke in a dungeon-like cellar, a water heater off to the side. A guy in prison-orange is tied up in a chair. Luke gravels a bellow, “I never said I was Bill Eckhart.” His head drops.
ART CARD: DAYTIME EMMY AWARD WINNING PERFORMANCES
The Daytime Emmys . . . that’s like Double-A ball, right?
We revisit excellence. Dave calls for another look at Luke’s Daytime Emmy Award-winning performance, “I never said I was Bill Eckhart.”
Sitting in with the band tonight, the great and quite comical Todd Rundgren. His new album, “Global,” is in stores now.
TOP TEN: TOP SPECIAL TOP TEN LISTS – We take a look at some of the finest presentations of our Top Ten List.
10. Top Ten Things That Sound Creepy When Said by John Malkovich: (vt) "I put my jammies on all by myself, Mommy." – November 15, 1999)
9. Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear in a Puffy Song. (with hesitation, then resignation) (vt) "Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow." – July 10. 2001
8. Top Ten Changes I'll Make in the White House – George W. Bush – (vt) "Make sure the White House library has lots of books with big print and pictures." – October 19, 2000
7. Top Ten Betty White Tips for Living a Long and Happy Life – Betty White: "The best way to earn a quick buck is a slip and fall lawsuit." – June 13, 2011
6. Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Said by Snoop Dogg (vt) - "Let's go to the Gap and buy underpants." – March 16, 2010
5. Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from a Guy at a Bus Stop – Will Ferrell: "Here bussy, bussy, bussy, bussy, bussy! Here bussy, bussy, bussy, bussy, bussy!" – April 1, 2003
4. Top Ten Barack Obama Campaign Promises – Barack Obama (vt) “If you bring a gator to the White House, I'll wrassle it." – January 24, 2008
3. Top Ten Things never Before Said by a "Star Wars" Character – R2-D2 (vt) -"I just hooked up backstage with an ice machine." – April 13, 2015
2. Top Ten Things That Sound Romantic When Spoken by Barry White (vt) - "Gubernatorial" – November 21, 1994
1. Top Ten Rejected Lionel Richie Song Lyrics (vt) -"Mitt's got a beach house. Car elevator brings Cadillacs up and down, Mitt's got a beach house." August 15, 2012
Big day on Sunday for Rahal/Letterman/Lanigan racing. Graham Rahal in the #15 Steak ‘N Shake Honda came in 2nd place in the Honda Grand Prix of Alabama at Barber Motorsports Park in Birmingham, Alabama. Graham finished strong, passing Ryan Hunter Reay, Helio Castroneves, and Scott Dixon in the final 10 laps, with only Josef Newgarden ahead of him by 2 seconds. So proud is Dave of Graham and the Steak ‘N Shake sponsor that our entire audience tonight will receive a Steak ‘N Shake shake! The back doors open and in come the hundreds of shake from Steak ‘N Shake. Oh, it was a great day all around!
Back from commercial, we see Dave suffering the brain freeze. He took to the Steak ‘N Shake milkshake a bit too fast. Todd makes quick work of his milkshake, too, guzzling the vanilla as it drips and rolls down his chin.
Her Avengers movie has already earned $200 million and it hasn’t even hit the U.S. screen. Seems Europe and overseas are nuts for the superhero actioners.
Before we get into it, Scarlett jumps in and says how honored she is to be on one of Dave’s last shows. Her first appearance on the show was back in 1998 promoting the “Horse Whisperer.” She was a mere 13 years old. Being on the Late Show with Dave is a sure-sign you’ve made it. (I’ve been on the show with Dave! Is this really “making it”?) Dave gave her a canned ham back in ’98 and her dad put it in the refrigerator where it stayed for a decade.
Scarlett is the mom to a 7-month old and was pregnant while making “Marvel’s Avengers.” Thanks to the magic of computers, you couldn’t tell. Scarlett’s been the Black Widow four times, and has starred in a lot of other very successful films. I realize that I’ve probably never seen one of her movies. That will soon change. I need to see the Barcelona movie, “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”:
1. For Scarlett
2. For Woody Allen.
3. Because I once spent a day in Barcelona and want to see what I’ve forgotten.
Dave has questions about the new “Age of Ultron.” Dave has no idea what that means. And Scarlett is a bit sketchy on it, too. And how are things in the Age of Ultron? Well, superheroes are busy fighting evil. Sadly, things haven’t changed much from today till the Age of Ultron. Evil still exists.
“Marvel’s Avengers: Age of Ultron” – it opens here in the States this Friday, May 1st. We take a look at a clip.
Hey, it’s a Shecky clip! We see old black-and-white footage of a woman being chased around by a lawn-mowing Roomba.
We try again. This time, we see the right clip of Scarlett riding through the city streets on a motorcycle . . . WITHOUT A HELMET! Don’t try this at home, kids!
ANNOUNCE: “Join us again tomorrow as Dave welcomes Michael Keaton, and music from Future Islands. The Late Show has partnered with the World Food Programme to provide disaster relief to Nepal. You can help. Visit www.wfp.org/lateshow and make a donation. Thank you.”
Love it! John comes out smoking . . not smoking hot like some chest-shaved male model, but smoking like “smoking a cigarette!” Dave slips him the number to the Surgeon General. I never smoked and I’m glad I didn’t, but I have noticed over the years that smokers tend to be a lot more fun.
John’s microphone has become undone and the great Eddie Valk quickly stepped in to re-connect. In the intro, Dave mentioned that John Mellencamp is a member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. John wonders why Rodd Rundgren isn’t in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Says John, “I’ve written a couple good songs here and there, but this guy wrote a ‘djoy’ gob of them.” Dave nominates Warren Zevon, as well. While we’re at it, Joe Cocker has my vote.
John is still touring and tours all the time. He just did two shows here in New York City at the Apollo and the Carnegie, two pretty good venues, no? He says Pete Seeger once gave him the advice for a long career: “Keep it small, and keep it going.”
Hey, how’s the heart? John suffered a heart attack some time back which he didn’t know about. His symptoms were his arms were hurting and he was more grouchy and bitchy than normal. When told some time later that he had a heart attack, John became irate and denied the possibility. He was finally convinced. And then Dave surmised, “And then the doctor said, ‘Whatever you do, don’t stop smoking.’”
John explains how this all plays out. He doesn’t come out and say it but I suspect it’s his life philosophy.
He admits to being good at only 3 or 4 things. Smoking is one of them. He would hate to give up won of his strong points. Over the years, his body has become so polluted that no cancer would dream of setting camp. Other things he’s pretty good at:
-“Wrote a couple good songs”
-“Kinda good on stage”
-“And I have a good first kiss. After that, I’m not worth ‘djoy.’”
John sticks around and performs a song he dedicates to Dave: “Longest Days.”
Great song. Contains a whole lotta ouch.
“But nothing lasts forever. Your best efforts don’t always pay. Sometimes you get sick, and you don’t get better. That’s when life is short, even in its longest days”
Mr. Mellencamp – one of my favorites.
And that was our show for Monday April 27, 2015.
Sharp-eyed Wahoo Gazette readers with little else to do would have noticed that tonight’s Opening Announce, “From the V.I.P. Lounge at Applebee’s . . . ” was the Opening Announce originally prepared for April 15th, but was dropped when an audience member did the Opening Announce and used his home town of Maple Shade, New Jersey.
The very first Top Ten? September 18, 1985
TOP TEN WORDS THAT ALMOST RHYME WITH “PEAS”
And you still think the show was funnier back then?
New York City Mayor DeBlasio whined a bit about being booed when he goes to Yankee games. Oh, boy. Where did this guy grow up? Admitting that the booing bothers you will only multiply the fans outbursts. C’mon, Mr. Mayor, how do you really think the fans will react now that they know it bothers you?
Sure, sharks are dangerous, but it is very nice of them to have that fin on their back to warn us when they’re coming
Smokers. I never smoked. It’s an awful habit. My wife Denise smoked for 15 years but has been off the tobacco for some 25 years now. She had just quit when we went on a cruise. We were offered a dining table for the week: Smoking or Non-smoking. We took the non-smoking so not to tempt Denise. We were seated with 4 other couples from across the nation. And who were an absolute bore. As hard as we tried, we couldn’t get them to have fun, to open up. For drinks, they went no harder than ice tea, and I don’t mean the Long Island Ice Teas. Regular ice tea, with only ice and tea in the glass. If I asked, “I’m sorry, did you say something?” the answer the entire week would have been, “No.” And whenever I looked over at the table next to us, the smoke would be rising from the ashtrays and the drinks would be going strong. The stories and laughs and song were going full speed. It was then that Denise and I decided that the next cruise we went on, we would demand a smoking table. Smokers are a lot more fun, I think because they laugh at the thought of death.
More Dave lines through the years:
“We’re happy you’re here but we’d rather have Brad Pitt” – to Tarantino – 8/17/09 #3163
“Wish I cared more about this” – to Mary Louise Parker – 8/25/09 #3169
“Pat Nixon said the same about Dick . . . . and her husband.” – ACT 2 9/03/09 #3176
“Ever put someone in a headlock?” – to Anna Wintour – 8/24/09 #3168
“This place is crawling with hippies” – 4/30/09 #3106
Tom Hanks: “Do you have a cranky neighbor?” / Dave: “I am the cranky neighbor” – 5/11/09 #3113
“What I know about Conan is he once killed a man” – 6/01/09 #3123
“If you can walk, you don’t walk away from the show” – 7/29/09 #3160
“If you can walk, you don’t walk away from the show” – ACT 1 – 7/30/09 ##3161
“We’re happy to have you here, but we’d rather Brad Pitt” – to Tarantino – 8/17/09 #3163
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From Belfast, Maine, Jill Goodwin. Is Jill Goodwin still reading the Wahoo Gazette?
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Michael Z. McIntee