CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Monday, January 26, 2015 Mayor Bill de Blasio invites you to Blizzard-town.

Show #4148
Louis C.K., Nicolle Wallace, and The Lone Bellow.  
PLUS: Mayor De Blasio; the Trump Fund; and a Top Ten list with CBS 2 News chief weather forecaster Lonnie Quinn.
 
“From the Stadium Motor Lodge in the heart of the Bronx, it’s the Late Show with David Letterman.  Tonight: Louis C.K., from ‘The View’ Nicolle Wallace, and music from The Lone Bellow.  Plus: Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.  I’m Alan Kalter.  And now, guilty of deflated expectations . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
 
ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
Dave told a joke about the weather forecast calling for blizzard-like conditions.   He’s right when he wonders about the term, “blizzard-like.”   “Blizzard-like” . . . . . isn’t that  . . . . a blizzard?
 
Dave also told a joke about walking through Central Park on his way into work this morning.  It was in regard to the impending snow storm.   He said he saw a squirrel putting salt on his nuts.   And you can’t help but wonder . . . . is that the last squirrel/nut joke?   Yeah, everything may be the last from here on in.
 
Hey, look who’s here! 
DAVE: “Ladies and gentlemen, it's the mayor of New York City, Mayor Bill de Blasio."
MAYOR (actually our everyman actor, Jeb) "Hello, Dave. I'm New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio."
DAVE: "Yeah, that's, that’s what I said.”
MAYOR: "Well, David, we're in the middle of a major winter storm, and quite frankly, it's the most powerful blizzard to hit New York since the creation of the universe."
DAVE: “Is that true?  Really?”
MAYOR: "Absolutely, and given an event of this magnitude, I just wanted to personally invite your listeners to come to New York City and experience it first-hand!"  
Applause from the audience.
MAYOR: "Nobody does a blizzard like the Big Apple!"
DAVE: “Uhh, you know, that seems dangerous . . . . unwise."
MAYOR: "The only time the city sparkles even brighter is after a new-fallen snow.   Plus, we brought back the squeegee guys!"
DAVE: “Uh huh . . . that is quite an achievement.”
MAYOR: "Well, I've got to go shut down the subway now.  (to the audience) Come and join the blizzard in New York City, home of last year's Super Bowl!"
The Mayor exits.
 
Donald Trump is suing Palm Beach County because their airport is directing flights right over his Mar-A-Lago resort place.  The noise is bad for customers.   We take a look at the announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "This is a resort called Mar-A-Lago, and that sound is a passenger jet departing Palm Beach International Airport, disturbing Mar-A-Lago's guests. These people desperately need your help. Your gift of only $15 per day will help Donald Trump pay for the legal expenses associated with suing the airport to modify their air traffic patterns. We'll also send you a picture of a resort guest who benefits from your support.
The Donald Trump Legal Fund. Imagine a brighter future for billionaires."
 
ACT 2
The snow predicted is bad enough, but what Dave most fears about the storm is the front page of tomorrow’s newspapers.   You just know they’ll have some stooge cross-country skiing down Broadway.
Really, the only reason a guy goes cross-country skiing down Broadway in New York City is to show everyone he has an apartment big enough where he can keep cross-country skis.
 
TOP TEN: THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR WEATHERMAN DURING A BLIZZARD – We got some crazy weather coming our way.
-2 feet of snow
-4 inches an hour
-Wind gusts up to 55 mph.
And to present tonight’s Top Ten List, from the CBS Weather Center, the Chief Weather Forecaster for CBS 2 News, Lonnie Quinn.
 
THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR WEATHERMAN DURING A BLIZZARD
10. "The rain has somehow turned into a mysterious white powder"
9. "If you have extremities you don't want, now is a great time to freeze them off"
8. "I definitely ate too much rock salt"
7. "The snow accumulation makes it a perfect day to hide a body"
6. "Here are the current conditions for all you slobs too lazy to look out a window"
5. "As temperatures drop, the melodrama in my voice will increase"
4. "The snow should let up sometime around 2018"
3. "I'm available to share body warmth"
2. "This storm will continue until my demands are met"
1. "Right now, the wind sounds like this" (blows into microphone
 
There something going on with Lonnie’s rolled-up sleeves.   I think the higher he rolls up his sleeves, the worse the weather.    Reporting bad weather is so much harder work than reporting nice weather.   More forearm . . . . worse the weather.    I’m not sure but it may now be done with a wink and a nod.   And if that’s the case, I’m all for it.
 
ACT 3:
LOUIS C.K.
His girls are all excited about the impending blizzard.   They know that probably means “No School!”    Louis tries to temper their glee by suggesting they’re all going to die.     Yeah, but still . . . “NO SCHOOL!”  
Louis is in the record books: Four sold out shows at the Madison Square Garden.    15,000 people a night.  How does he keep it . . . intimate?   15,000 is great fun for a rock concert, but for a comedian it’s quite a challenge.   Louis says it’s an incredible feeling to have 15,000 people laugh at something you said, and it’s also an incredible feeling to have 15,000 people quietly listening to what you have to say.   Unfortunately, adds Louis, when you have 15,000 people in front of you, there will be at least 1,000 who won’t like you.  They will feel as if the price of admission wasn’t worth it.  They will think you weren’t funny.  And when you stand in front of 15,000 people, you will SEE every one of those 1,000.  You will make eye contact with every one of them.  And you will continue to see them throughout the night.   Says Louis, “The more people who see you, the more people will discovery they don’t like you.”
Louis has a new comedy special called, “Louis C.K. Live At The Comedy Store” which is now available for download.   To perform there, you have to audition first for Mitzi Shore.    Even though Louis had appeared here on the Late Show, he still had to audition.    He’s not even halfway through his first joke and Mitzi is waving him off.    Louis said, “Screw it” and kept going.  He did his five minutes.   The audience liked him, but Mitzi did not.   Just like Madison Square Garden.  There will always be someone who doesn’t like you.   In the case of The Comedy Store, it was the owner.  But he was able to put together a comedy special when she wasn’t looking.  
Louis is from Boston.  Is he excited for his Patriots?  And what does he think of their cheating?  Yes, he’s excited about the Patriots, and no, he isn’t thinking about their cheating.    He considers it more “innocent fun” than actually cheating.    The benefit of being an adult is when you get in trouble, all you gotta say is, “Oh . . . sorry.”    Dave considers that for a moment and adds, a bit sheepishly, “You know, I’ve been in trouble . . . it doesn’t work.”
 
Louis C.K. – his comedy special is available today on the download.   And the 5th season of “Louis” premieres in April on the FX.
 
ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Hope you’ll join us as Dave welcomes Oscar Isaac, and Drenge.    For the last time, No, I do not have a CVS ExtraCare card!”
 
ACT 6:
NICOLLE WALLACE
She’s a co-host on “The View” and the former Communication Director for President George W. Bush.    What does a communication director for a President do?    Nicolle says it’s a whole lot of planning; a whole lot of preparing; a whole lot of prepping.   You have a goal in mind on how an event or an appearance should go down.    Dave asks for an example of how something came up that didn’t quite go to plan.    She recalls one Sunday morning after hours and hours and days and days of pre-planning, she got a phone call right before a press conference from a colleague, “Oh, one more thing . . . Cheney shot somebody.”   She then hints that that was nothing compared to working for McCain and Palin during their campaign.  
Dave has a few questions about President GW Bush.   Dave wonders what the deal was with the President rubbing the shoulders of German Chancellor Angela Merkel.    Nicolle says with a laugh that the two are very good friends and the President was just offering a playful greeting a friend.   If he did that to Putin, well, that would be another story.
Sarah Palin?  She was, like, parachuted in to the storm of a presidential campaign out of Nowhere, Alaska.     Nicolle explains that McCain knew he had a formidable opponent in Barack Obama and he wanted to do something outside the box.    She praises McCain for the respect he has from both sides of the aisle, but it soon became apparent that Ms. Palin couldn’t go toe-to-toe with his knowledge and experience.   After the initial excitement of the choice, and her impressive early showing, the gaps in her knowledge became apparent.   She couldn’t sustain what she had initially.   For a communication director, it must be like wanting to paint a portrait with a very limited amount of colors.  You just have to do the best you can and hope nobody else realizes the obvious limitations.   Nicolle then takes some blame, along with Palin’s handlers, for not preparing Ms. Palin for the national stage.  (But again, look what they had to work with.)
Dave has questions about Dick Cheney.   Although he doesn’t know the man, but he’s met him, Dave finds Cheney heartless, or at the very best cold-hearted.   Nicolle says Cheney is not really like that, but the image he had was one he wasn’t interested in knocking down.  Dave feels Cheney was in the pocket of Big Oil and wanted to get into war because it would be good for his big oil and big industry and his buddies at Halliburton, and the lives and deaths be damned because it would be good for his pals.    Is Dave wrong?    Nicolle tells Dave he is wrong.   To say the Administration “wanted to go to war” is unfair.   They had a job to do and had to do something, something they thought would be best for the country.    Dave feels we went into it maybe for the right reasons, but the strategy that followed left a lot to be desired.
 
Nicolle Wallace – see her on “The View”.    I can just imagine some of the verbal battles that go on there.
 
ACT 7:
THE LONE BELLEW
The band from Brooklyn belted out a bombastic “Then Came The Morning” from their new album, “Then Came The Morning.”
 
And that was our show for Monday January 26, 2015
 
Storm?  What storm?  At least there was nothing in the city.    Winter Storm Juno was more like The Flurries of ’15.
 
The Mayor may have overreacted.  Car traffic was banned.  The subways were shut down.  And you were only allowed outside if you were wearing galoshes.
 
You should see the lines at the supermarkets of the people returning all that food they bought.
 
 
Did you watch the NHL hockey All-Star game Sunday night?   One team had black uniforms with black numbers and names on the back.  And how were we supposed to know the players?
 
(pre-storm)
With the big snowstorm coming, I got a crazy idea Sunday afternoon.   I figured I wouldn’t be home Monday night or Tuesday to shovel the driveway, so Denise hired a plow to do the driveway.   I decided to make room in the two-car garage for a car.    We’ve lived in the house since 1999.  We’ve never had room for a car in the garage.  But I did it.   We have one car in the garage.  I figured if we were going to pay for a plow, we’d make him do the whole driveway.  I didn’t want him to get the benefit of two cars in the driveway.  
 
You know, the Harlem Globetrotters were known to use a deflated ball now and then.
 
The New England Patriots needed to deflate the football to beat the Colts as much as Nixon had to bug the Democrats to beat McGovern.
 
NFL Football Commissioner Roger Goodell: “Hmm, how can we keep the media from bringing up Aaron Hernandez in the weeks leading up to the Super Bowl?”
 
The mad dash for the supermarket before the big snow . . .  so how long will you be without access to the supermarket?   Right, maybe a day.  Can’t we live a day without everything we want?
 
Hey, I’m watching Lonnie Quinn right now on CBS News, Monday night after our taping but before the Late Show.  He’s got no suit jacket, his shirt sleeves rolled up, tie loose.   Goodness, it’s almost like he’s been outside!  I’m liking this guy.
 
(Monday night)
Whoa!   Now it’s serious!    “Jeopardy” is being pre-empted!    Nobody puts “Jeopardy” in the corner!   We know it’s snowing!  We want our “Jeopardy”!   Tell us of the dangers AFTER “Jeopardy.”
My favorite part of “Jeopardy” every night is when I call out, “What is Aleve?”
 
Mayor De Blasio is on right now telling everyone to go home and stay home.  He’s wearing his special “Mayor of New York Sanitation Department Coat.”    Is it necessary for him to have one of those?   Does he need a special coat for every crisis?   It seems all the Mayors and Governors have the same thing going on.   It’s just an example of wasteful spending.  Stop the nonsense.  
 
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s her birthday today.    The forever young Eileen Dooley Wren
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike
 

 

Tonight's Guests

Rachel Maddow
Ben Schwartz
Marty Stuart

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, January 26
Mayor Bill de Blasio invites you to Blizzard-town.
Friday, January 16
Rupert's comedy gets a cold call.
Thursday, January 15
Larry David finds himself in a big pickle.
Wednesday, January 14
Late Show Improv...go!
Tuesday, January 13
Mitt Romney is back(wards)!