Brian Williams, Stupid Human Tricks, and Music from the Film "Muscle Shoals."
PLUS: The Government Shutdown; Republicans vs. Democrats; Dave Survives a Pitching Change; Woody on Maury; and Bing It!
" . . . and now, non-essential employee . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
- "The list of ten most drunkest countries came out today. The United States wasn't even on the list. What happened to American exceptionalism."
It's a brand new segment. Something we call "Noooooooooo!"
ART CARD: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
We see a newscast from TV6 in Michigan.
Anchor: "Other federal installations impacted by the shutdown include the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Museum in Grand Rapids..."
ART CARD: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The government shutdown really comes down to a basic philosophical difference between the two political parties. Both sides make a strong argument. We take a look.
ART CARD: REPUBLICANS VS. DEMOCRATS
TEXT OVER BLACK: WHAT REPUBLICANS THINK ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
ANNOUNCE: "What Republicans think about the government . . . . "
We cut to various Republican politicians pontificating. We grab key words: "The federal government is too big/"Our government is too big/big/giant/huge/enormous/large/gigantic/colossal/massive/immense/gargantuan . . ."
TEXT OVER BLACK: THE DEMOCRATS' RESPONSE
ANNOUNCE: "The Democrats' response..."
We cut to Harry Reid at the lectern: " . . . . that's what she said . . . "
ANNOUNCE: "Look for' Harry Reid's Big Book of Snaps and Yo' Mama Jokes', wherever fine books are sold."
Hey, who's that? A baseball manager enters from Dave's left. He's not too pleased. Tony Mendez, in a catcher's mask, joins in.
MANAGER: (to Dave): "You're struggling out there, kid." (turns to Tony) "Does he have anything left?"
TONY (over acting) "No! He's running on fumes."
DAVE: (Dave defends his performance) "No, I'm fine. I have plenty left. I can get this next guy. Just leave me alone."
MANAGER: "OK . . . I'm going to go with my gut. Two more." (to Tony)" Dos mas."
The manager gives Dave a pat on the ass: "Go get 'em, kid."
The manager and Tony go back from where they came.
That made me laugh and made me angry. I've been watching the show forever and I never came up with that? It's been staring me in the face and I never thought of Dave being the subject of a pitching change? Dang it!
Mia Farrow recently said that Woody Allen might not be the father of her son, Ronan, and that Frank Sinatra might be the father. They just did an official paternity test and we have footage of it here. We take a look.
We see Maury of "Maury": "When it comes to 26-year-old Ronan Farrow: Woody Allen, you are . . . . . . . not the father!"
Audience is happy. Woody, not so much.
WOODY: "It's a very sad outcome, but I gave it my best shot."
STUPID HUMAN TRICKS
SHT#1: DAN FOX - of Brooklyn, New York. He's an assistant to the president of a venture capitalist organization. Oooh, sounds interesting. Dave asks if he gets a nice year-end bonus. Dan nods his head yes but says "NO."
Trick: Dan can eat goldfish . . . . cracker goldfish . . . really fast.
A treadmill is wheeled out. Goldfish crackers are lined in an "S" along the tread. Dan lays on his belly with mouth open and has Dave turn on the machine. The treadmill begins to run and the goldfish fly into Dan's mouth.
And for this he got the day off? Sure hope the boss isn't watching. As they say on "Shark Tank" - "I'm not interested . . . . I'm out."
SHT#2: SHANE PARUS - of Astoria, Queens. Shane is a musician. He plays the piano but will play anything to get a gig. For the past 5 years, Shane's been playing on cruise ships.
Trick: Shane can kick a can placed against his forehead and crush it.
Shane puts a can up against his head. He then kicks his foot up to crush the can. He kicks himself about 6 times. I don't know . . . Does Shane really need to kick himself? It seems like Shane could find a lot of people to do that for him.
Dave muses the life of a musician: "It's always good to have something to fall back on.
Shane plays the piano on cruise ships? Let me guess . . . . the Costa Concordia?
SHT#3: Mark and Marlo, a married couple from Hudson, Ohio. Hudson is somewhere between Akron and Cleveland. And was the city named after Henry Hudson? Mark and Marlo have no clue. I find that when you don't know something, simply answer in the positive with great confidence.
Trick: Mark and Marlo play ping-pong without a table.
Mark shoves to ping-pong balls into his mouth. He blows one out in the direction of Marlo, who paddles it back. While ping-pong ball #1 is on its return, Mark blows out the 2nd ball. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.
A lot of jokes here, but I think I better not.
The government shutdown . . . what is going on? Brian shares his concern that we are not the country we grew up with. Very little working together between the Dems and the GOP. There is a growing sense of almost hopelessness. Theirs is fear in the air among us; confusion; worry; anger. Brian brought a quote with him that he heard from the chaplain who held services on Capitol Hill this morning. This from a chaplain!
Senate Chaplain Barry Black: "Deliver us from the hypocrisy of attempting to sound reasonable while being unreasonable." That was in the opening prayer.
Says Mr. Williams: "This is not a time of profile in courage for our country."
Who is to blame? Brian offers a solution. He brought some maps with him.
We take a look at North Carolina's 12th Congressional District - a Republican holds this office.
We take a look at Illinois' 4th Congressional District - a Democrat holds the office here.
Both have the boundaries of a narrow, squiggly, Rorschach blot of confused mayhem, without rhyme or reason. The Congressional boundaries are set up to ensure the district remains Republican and Democrat. It is gerrymandered to keep a permanent party in power. Both sides are guilty. Again, the politicians do this for what's best for their party, not what's best for the citizenry. The States get to gerrymander every ten years following the census. These permanent seats are rigged and both Parties are happily silent. Third party, anyone? Any adults out there? Help! Putin, save us!
Brian has had a tough summer. He had a new knee put in. For years Brian's been hobbled by an old football injury . . . . sure . . . . . and he's finally done something about it. He describes the procedure and although it sounded as if he was joking, he wasn't. The tools used by the doctor for a knee replacement are the same tools used by a carpenter to build a shed. There were hammers, saws, clamps, chisels . . . I saw a knee replacement on the TV and was amazed. Same tools! His knee now has titanium parts. I feel if you are going to get the knee replacement done, don't do too much research. Go with trust. Knowledge may scare you.
Before going to work, Brian does some of his Regis. Always a delight. He's one of the best ones out there doing Regis today. Loved it how Mr. Williams described Regis as "America's pre-existing condition."
Brian Williams - anchor and managing editor of the NBC Nightly News.
ANNOUNCE: "We've got another great one lined up tomorrow with Dave and his guests Tom Selleck, comedian Michael Somerville, and Albert Hammond Jr. Last night I couldn't sleep, I was so excited about the new fall TV season. Also, I was in excruciating pain from dropping a can on my foot."
It's the time of year when the networks debut their new shows. Back in the day, Dave would spend his days watching great shows like "Dragnet" and "Gunsmoke" and "Bonanza" and "Sea Hunt" and . . . . and that show with the rancher. The rancher was also a pilot. Dave can't place the name of the show. Paul tries but can't help him out. Dave recalls that the rancher would fly around and solve crimes and fight people. . . . but he can't place the name of the show.
Suddenly, a hip teen carrying a skateboard appears behind Dave. Let's call him Todd.
TODD: (to Dave) "Hey, man, just 'BING' it!"
TODD: "'BING' it!"
DAVE: "I don't know what that means."
TODD: "Get with the times, man! Bing.com is the outrageous search engine from Microsoft that all the cool kids use. 'BING' it!"
DAVE: "Will you please stop saying 'BING it.'"
TODD: (speaking into his smartphone): "Check this out . . . 'Rancher' . . . 'pilot' . . . . 'television shows the elderly like' . . . . now 'BING' it!"
DAVE: "I'm begging you to stop saying that."
TODD: (reading from this smartphone) "'Sky King' - 1951 to 1959.' Awesome!"
DAVE: "Wow, looks like Microsoft's BING takes a world of information and puts it right at my fingertips."
DAVE: "I can dig it! And remember, kids: Stay In School."
FREEZE ON TODD AND DAVE
ALAN ANNOUNCE: "Sponsored by Bing.com, one of the world's five most popular search engines! Back to you, Dave!"
Dave throws to (another) commercial.
From the new documentary film, "Muscle Shoals' about the town in Alabama responsible for some of the great R&B and Rock and Roll recordings . . . . The Swamps, with John Paul White, Jason Isbell, and the great Candi Staton performed "I Ain't Easy To Love."
Now that was some good music! Nicely done.
And that was our show for Thursday October 3, 2013.
I know little about politics but this is my take:
Republicans want Obamacare to be delayed a year in hopes it'll have an adverse effect on the mid-term election.
Monologue joke - Choose:
- "The New York City Opera has closed. I'm the only prima donna left here.
- "The New York City Opera is bankrupt. Very sad. I went to a performance last night and even the clown was crying."
Really? The best JetBlue can do is offer a full can of soda? That's supposed to make the difference?
Monlogue joke - Choose:
- "The New York City Opera closed suddenly. It was over before the fat lady sang"
- "The New York City Opera is bankrupt. Very sad. The Barber of Seville . . . . . . now works at SuperCuts."
The movie "Gravity" better be good. If not, you just know you will read a headline somewhere, "'Gravity' Sucks"
Hudson, Ohio: from the Wikipedia: "The city is named after its founder, David Hudson, who settled there from Goshen, Connecticut in 1799, when it was part of the Connecticut Western Reserve."
Monologue joke - Choose:
- "The New York City Opera has filed for bankruptcy. Small wonder, Most Americans think opera is the lady who gives away free cars."
- "The New York Opera closed suddenly . . . and so did the New York Yankees."
"Bobby Thomson up there swinging. He's had two out of three, a single and a double, and Billy Cox is playing him right on the third-base line. One out, last of the ninth. Branca pitches. Bobby Thomson takes a strike called on the inside corner. Bobby hitting at .292. He's had a single and a double and he drove in the Giants' first run with a long fly to center. Brooklyn leads it 4-2. Hartung down the line at third not taking any chances. Lockman with not too big of a lead at second, but he'll be running like the wind if Thomson hits one. Branca throws . . . ."
Time now for This Date In CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History.
October 03, 2003: From Toledo, Ohio, it's Bill Rinehart. Thanks for informing me of the identity of Ed Gelb.
This concludes another installment of This Date In CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
The Security Coordinator at the Hospital for Special Surgery, from the Bronx, on his birthday, it's "Eddie O" Eddie O'Connell
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee