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Monday, October 14, 2013 John McEnroe consoles Alan Kalter after he hears news about the Jonas brothers.
Show #3922
Ray Romano, James Franco, and a Top Ten List with 10 Madison Square Garden sports legends.
PLUS: Columbus Day Lie; other holidays that fall on Columbus Day; "Gravity" explained; Dave's Christmas gift; Average Human vs. Average American; and Alan Kalter reacts to the news about the Jonas Brothers.

" . . . and now, the mayor of funkytown . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

Hey! Who was that running across backstage as Dave was drinking in the applause from the audience? It remains a mystery. It reminded me a little of the Munchkin who hung himself in the background during the Wizard of Oz.

It's Columbus Day, and time for a new segment, "Columbus Day Lies."
ART CARD: COLUMBUS DAY LIE
We see Maria Bartiromo outside the New York City Parade welcoming viewers to the telecast. Standing beside her is Joe Piscopo.
MARIA BARTIROMO: "Happy Columbus Day, everybody. I'm Maria Bartiromo, once again honored and thrilled to be with Joe Piscopo. . ."
ART CARD: COLUMBUS DAY LIE

Check the calendar? You'll see that today is Columbus Day here in the States, but it's also a different holiday in other countries. We take a look.
ART CARD: OTHER HOLIDAYS THAT FALL ON COLUMBUS DAY
ANNOUNCE: "Today, October 14th, 2013, is Columbus Day in the United States." – we see a piece of today's NYC Columbus Day Parade.
ANNOUNCE: "For our neighbors to the north, today is Canada's Thanksgiving holiday" – we see a Canadian family sitting to enjoy a Thanksgiving meal.
ANNOUNCE: "And, for our friends south of the border, today marks the beginning of Mexican Hanukkah." – we see Rick Perry doing a Jewish dance, possibly the Hora . . . anybody? . . . . with a festive bunch of rabbis.
ART CARD: OTHER HOLIDAYS THAT FALL ON COLUMBUS DAY

"Gravity" continues to do boffo business and remains as the #1 movie in America. We take a look at an interview with director Alfonso Cuaron as he details some of the special effects seen in the film.
ALFONSO CUARON: "The sound in the storytelling of ‘Gravity' is very important. Sound cannot be transmitted through the atmosphere. Nevertheless, sound is transmitted through the interaction of elements."
We then cut to a clip that includes wacky and bizarre sound effects. You know the kind . . . boing/slide whistle/funny honking horns.

Dave contemplates. Christmas is never too far away and you can never do your shopping too early. He looks over to Paul and asks that he cover his ears. DAVE: "I wonder how my hand-made metal pan is coming along."
We cut to a guy hammering away at a metal pan. From what I hear, this hammering goes on for an extremely long time. Don't be surprised if we see more of this nonsensical, meaningless, clip.

And to concludes, there was a study done which claims the average human is smarter than the average American. Here's proof.
ART CARD: AVERAGE HUMAN VS. AVERAGE AMERICAN
ANNOUNCE: "The average human." – we see a clip from a European game show. The question asked is one that few on this side of the pond would know. The Euro answers without difficulty.
ANNOUNCE: "The average American." - We see a scene from Wheel of Fortune. The guy wants to solve the puzzle. The letters seen are as follows:
S - - ER – AN AND W – NDER W - - AN.
The man, with great excitement knowing he's about to pocket some nice money and gifts, blurts out: "Superman and Spiderwoman."
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Average Human, Average American.' "

ACT 2:
Can you believe this? The Jonas Brothers canceled their tour due to creative differences and now it is rumored the band may be breaking up. I blame Yoko. It's too bad about the Jonas Brothers . . . .
Alan interrupts: "I'm sorry. What did you just say about the Jonas Brothers?" DAVE: "The Jonas Brothers . . . It was in the papers today. It sounds like the Jonas Brothers may be ending their musical career as a group. They're calling it quits."
Alan says nothing. He is obviously upset, crestfallen even. (somebody look up and tell me what a crest is, and what happens when it falls?) Alan gets up from his chair and exits. We see him enter his dressing room, which is adorned with a "temple" to the Jonas Brothers. There are photos, flowers, posters, and a candle, all in honor of the Brothers Jonas. Alan sadly blows out a candle. Alan picks up a memento, a cherished Jonas Brothers lunch box, and throws it across the room. He then, in anguish, angrily turns and punches the wall. His hand cuts through the pretend-thick wall. He slowly exits his office and returns to the stage. His hand is bloodied. Dave is concerned and asks if everything is OK. Alan can only shake his head "no."
I was a bit upset that Dave didn't mention the names of the Jonas Brothers; Joe, Nick, and Kevin. It wasn't written in his intro, but I added the names on top just in case he wanted to appear knowing. BUZZ!

TOP TEN: CAREER HIGHLIGHTS AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN – The Madison Square Garden will be celebrating their official grand re-opening on October 25th following a 3-year, $1 billion transformation. The Garden hasn't been closed closed for three years, just temporarily here and there. And with tonight's Top Ten, we have 10 Madison Square Garden sports legends.

1. SEVEN GRAND SLAM SINGLES TITLES AND THE FORMER #1 TENNIS PLAYER IN THE WORLD, JOHN MCENROE
2. SIX-TIME ALL-STAR AND LAST YEAR'S NBA SCORING CHAMPION, NEW YORK KNICKS FORWARD CARMELO ANTHONY
3. NEW YORK RANGERS ALL-TIME LEADER IN SHUTOUTS AND VEZINA TROPHY WINNER, GOALTENDER, "KING" HENRIK LUNDQVIST
4. TWO-TIME NBA CHAMPION WITH THE NEW YORK KNICKS AND MEMBER OF THE BASKETBALL HALL OF FAME. AS NEW JERSEY UNITED STATES SENATOR, HE GAVE THE KEYNOTE AT THE 1992 DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION, "DOLLAR BILL" BRADLEY
5. TWO-TIME GOLDEN GLOVE CHAMPION, HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER "GENTLEMAN GERRY" COONEY
6. FORMER ALL-STAR SHOOTING GUARD FOR THE NEW YORK KNICKS, JOHN STARKS
7. TWO-TIME STANLEY CUP CHAMPION, ALL-STAR LEFT WINGER FOR THE NEW YORK RANGERS, ADAM GRAVES
8. TWO-TIME NBA ALL-STAR AND ROOKIE OF THE YEAR, KNICKS FORWARD LARRY JOHNSON
9. EIGHT-TIME NHL ALL-STAR AND A MEMBER OF THE HOCKEY HALL OF FAME, RANGER RIGHT-WINGER ROD GILBERT
10. SEVEN-TIME NBA ALL-STAR, TWO-TIME NBA CHAMPION, AND A MEMBER OF THE BASKETBALL HALL OF FAME, NEW YORK KNICKS WALT "CLYDE" FRAZIER

Enjoy their presentation on the Late Show website. And don't forget to check out the Wahoo Gazette while you're there!

ACT 3:
Coming back from commercial, we see John McEnroe consoling Alan Kalter. It hasn't been easy for Alan.
Dave isn't quite sure about John McEnroe. He recommends counseling and a prescription.

RAY ROMANO
Always prepared, always funny. Ray has been coming to the show for nearly two decades now and a lot has changed. It happens to everybody as we age. Friends, for instance. Now that he's in his 50s, Ray is always willing to make time for anyone who is doctor. It's nice to have doctors as friends. The type of people you gravitate to changes as you get older.
Teens - you gravitate to the guy who has a car
20s – connections. You want to hang with the guy who has connections, such as the guy whose brother works at a strip club or the guy who can get you tickets to REO Speedwagon.
30s and 40s – lawyers – you'll need one sometime, whether it's because of a divorce or maybe if you want to get your "deal" off the internet.
50s-70s – doctors. You can't have enough doctor friends.
80s – back with the guy who has a car.

Ray's been married for 26 years. He admits she gets mad at him a lot but thankfully he can still make her laugh. When you're first married, there are two things you want to accomplish: you want to make her laugh, and you want to satisfy her in the bedroom. Now . . . . Ray says he'll just take the laugh. Dave jumps in and says, "Well, in my case, I make my wife laugh in the bedroom." They both laugh, and then Dave realizes he may have stolen Ray's line. Ray assures Dave he hadn't, but I'm not sure.

Ray worked a bit blue tonight, which was fun, especially since his four kids were in the green room. It was funny to cut to a shot of them after Ray talked about the goings-on in his marriage.

Ray Romano – you can see him on NBC's "Parenthood" – Thursdays at 10:00 PM. And he'll be doing standup at The Mirage this weekend in Las Vegas with fellow Long Islander, Kevin James.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "The fun continues tomorrow night with Dave and his guests Sylvester Stallone, Anna Faris, and Deltron 3030. And now, Inspirational Message! Hang in there, endangered species."

ACT 6:
JAMES FRANCO

James was recently blasted in a comedy roast. He was very nervous going in. He figured it would be 2 hours of non-stop attack from the top level comedians. But when he got there he learned that a lot of the roast was the comedians roasting at each other. James was merely an observer. He was greatly relieved and it turned out to be a lot of fun for him. He feels like he got away with something.
The YouTube and Facebook is a funny thing, and sometimes not so funny. Last month he discovered a letter he wrote when he was 14 years old; an apology for egging a neighbor's house. It appeared on one of the social media things so popular with the kids these days. For some reason, the Moskowitz family kept the letter. The letter was written by James before he was James Franco. Why would the family keep it? James reads the apology. James feels bad about what he did back then, but back then, it didn't really stop him. Dave admits he used to do the same. Most kids did.
You can see James in his new film, "As I Lay Dying," now playing here in New York City and soon coming to a theater near you.
And his first novel is in stores on Tuesday, "Actors Anonymous," a book that is half fiction/half memoir.

And that was our show for Monday, October 14, 2013.

Ray Romano closing line: "Don't panic, Pablo." A while back, Ray mentioned that he and his kids would watch the Late Show and stick around long enough to hear the closing tag. I'm not sure if anyone else does that. He showed a keen interest and offered some of his own. I reminded those who could do something about it the next time he was on. And at the end of that show, we surprised him with one of his closing tags. I think we may have done it ever since.

Oh, and the next time Ray Romano is here I'm hoping to put together a montage of his appearances. His "uniform" on the Late Show seems to be black pants, blue shirt.

Alan Kalter in anguish over the breakup of the Jonas Brothers is very similar to his reaction of "Sex and the City" going off the air in 2004. I remember because I wrote that piece. Truth be told, I stole that idea from his reacting to the Liza Minnelli in 2002.

Columbus Day . . . who can ever forget the show in 2000? It was October 12th, the traditional Columbus Day, the day he first sighted America. So what makes the show on October 12, 2000 so special? It was Late Show #1492. For some reason, only I was impressed by that.

I celebrated today's script cover with Canadian Thanksgiving instead of going the Columbus Day route. I did so as a reminder in hopes Dave would mention it to Paul, followed by Dave's wonder of why Thanksgiving is in October in Canada and not in November like we have it. Paul would respond, "The early harvest." BUZZZ!

Proud of the vets who went to Washington DC to tear down the barricades so they could visit the World War II Memorial. It would have been more effective, though, if they didn't allow politicians to hijack the event. Everyone was behind the veterans, but when they included Palin and Lee and Cruz, they lost half the country. They shouldn't have let them grab the headline. It's like the lawn mower guy who went to the National Mall to cut the grass between the Lincoln and World War II memorials. Due to the shutdown, the government wasn't being tending to the grounds. A guy came in to cut the grass himself with his own mower. He said, "If they shut down our memorials, we're still going to take the trash out, we're going to clean the windows, we're going to cut the grass, we're going to pull the weeds, we're going to do the tree work." It's what we all have to do. The pols have to just stay out of our way. They've proved they've can't do the job they've been hired to do. Our cry should be, "We got this. We got this. Stay out of the way, WE GOT THIS!" They know they are fake and phonies and nothing but wizards behind the curtain. What they are afraid of is that we will find out.

Returning from a wedding Saturday night – stopped to watch the last inning of the RedSox/Tiger game. 1-0. Red Sox get a man on. Every pitch could end the game in victory either for the Tigers or the Red Sox. And this is when the director decides to go to shot after shot of non-baseball action. When you most want to see what is happening on the field, the director decides to show us strangers in the stands looking at what is happening on the field. We see players in the dugout who haven't played looking at what is happening on the field. We see managers looking at what is happening on the field. Everyone is looking at what is happening on the field. Want to get on TV? Go to a baseball playoff game and clutch your hands in front of your face in prayer position. The director for TBS baseball will certainly find you.
I counted 14 different camera shots between pitches in the Red Sox/Tiger game in the bottom of the 9th inning. Since I've been keeping track of such things, the record is 17 in the 9th inning, Andy Pettitte pitching in the 1998 Yankees/Padres World Series.
If this sounds like a repeat, it is. I've been complaining about this since 1996. My mind is boggled as to why this persists. My guess is the baseball producers/directors know that the true baseball fan will watch the game no matter what. It could be shown in black and white without sound and the bball fan will watch. Therefore, to increase viewership, they have to appeal to the border line baseball fan where baseball isn't quite enough to keep them watching. They need other stuff . . . . . candy and toys . . . . to keep them watching. That's why so much fluff is thrown in to sport telecasts.

And then I'm watching the Dodger/Cardinal game. The Dodgers were winning 3-0 in the 9th. Where was the camera? Mostly on the game. Sure, there were cutaways to here and there, but mostly it was of baseball players. Granted, I think if you're going to show a baseball player looking in on the action late in the game, how about showing us a player in the field? Show me a close up of the shortstop getting ready; not his backup in the dugout spitting sunflower seeds. And the few crowd shots of Dodger fans were wide shots. We didn't key in on one fan. It was more of a shot of a hundred fans.
I'm trying my best to ruin your viewing pleasure of baseball playoff games.
Yup. So concentrate on the camera shots late in the game. Count how many shots we see in between pitches of a one-run game with two men on.

Time now for This Date In CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History.
October 14, 2002: 7th grade teacher from Tempe, Arizona, it's Steve Spracale.
This concludes another installment of This Date In CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday today, former catcher and first baseman for the Hillcrest Volunteer Fire Department, it's Pete Carney.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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