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Wednesday, October 16, 2013 The government shutdown turned the Panda Cam into the Stagehand Cam.
Show #3924
Bill O'Reilly, and The Head and The Heart.
PLUS: What Congress is up to; Remembering the United States; Iranian space program; what's on Dave's Christmas list; an "Escape Plan" promo; the Panda Cam; Charts and Graphs; and a Top Ten list.

" . . . and now, with the action-wedge built right in . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"On trial in New York is al-Queda leader Abu Anan al-Libi. His goal was to bring down the United States government. Congress beat him to it."
-"Kim Kardashian's engagement ring from Kris Humphries sold at auction. It's the most expensive unused diamond next to Yankee Stadium."

Hey, you know what? Let's see what Congress is doing to their game back up and running. We take a look in on CSPAN. This is what they have to say.
Rep. Earl Blumenauer, D-Oregon - "Pizza."
Senator Bob Corker, R-Tennessee - "Pizza."
Rep. Christopher Murphy, D-Connecticut - "Pepperoni pizza."
Rep. Erik Paulsen, R-Minnesota - "Pizza party."
Rep. Scott Tipton, R-Colorado - "Pizza Hut."
Rep. John Fleming, R-Louisiana: "Domino's Pizza."
Rep. Todd Young, R-Indiana - "Little miniature pizzas."
Senator Patrick Leahy, D-Vermont - "I had . . . . . provided . . . . so-so pizza."
Last week is was ice cream. Do I hear doughnuts? C'mon, doughnuts. I want Congress to talk about doughnuts next!

Now what are they up to? We take another look in on Congress. Uh oh, somebody let the barn door open. Among the Dems and GOP are a bunch of farm and zoo animals. The Pols and the animals are equal in efficiency in getting stuff done. You may have to look closely to tell one from the other.

It's sad what is happening to our country. Remember what it used to be like? If not, MAYBE THIS WILL HELP.
ART CARD: REMEMBERING THE UNITED STATES
ANNOUNCE: "The United States, which was located in what is today central Mexicanada, is remembered for giving the world deep fried butter on a stick, novelty New Year's Eve eyewear, and entertainer Tom Wopat."
We give a listen to some crooning by Tom Wopat.
ART CARD: REMEMBERING THE UNITED STATES

Now that NASA is out of business, Iran is jumping into the space race. Iran has announced plans to send another monkey into space. They're already training some monkey astronauts. We take a look.
We see a monkey in a space helmet talking into a phone sounding a lot like Charlie Callas. In the script, the monkey's name is Dunston.

And with Christmas on the way, Dave can't help but wonder how his metal pie pan is coming along. We take a look in to watch a clip of a guy hammering on a pie tin. Should be reading in a couple months. Yes, I called it. I sensed Dave enjoyed this clip yesterday for no other reason than no one else did. Dave laughs and says not everything can be a joke, and this proves it. Dave was shown this clip Tuesday morning. He decided to go with it and maybe make it a joke somehow. BUZZ!

Is the hammering pie tin over? Not sure, but for Thursday and Friday I'm going to suggest coupling that clip with Mr. Bones playing the spoons and another clip we have hanging around of an old guy singing Lady Gaga's "Poker Face."

Mr. Rambo Stallone was here last night to promote his new film, "Escape Plan." We take a look at this promo the studio is putting out.
ANNOUNCE: (action footage) "When a man is faced with a desperate situation, he must rely on brains and brawn to overcome insurmountable odds. ‘Escape Plan.'
Peter Travers asks, 'Isn't this the same thing that happened in ‘Lock Up?'
David Denby wonders, 'Isn't this the same thing that happened in ‘Commando'?
And A. O. Scott asks, 'Isn't this the same thing that happened in... Cobra, Raw Deal, Cliffhanger, The Running Man, The Specialist, Predator, Night Hawks, Total Recall, Assassins, Demolition Man, True Lies, Daylight, Eraser, End of Days, The 6th Day, Rambo 1, 2, 3 and 4?' ‘Escape Plan' . . . . Coming soon."

ACT 2:
With this government shutdown, even the Washington Zoo is closed. The Panda Cam was a lot of fun and a YouTube internet favorite to many around the world. People could click on their social media thing to look in on what the Washington panda was up to, but now the Panda Cam no longer shows the panda. What is on the Panda Cam now? We take a look. It's stagehand Tommy O'Brien gnawing and chomping on a piece of bamboo. Says Tom later, "It tastes like chicken bone."

You've been waiting for it, a return to Charts and Graphs. But this is the new and improved Charts and Graphs. No longer are the charts and graphs on a board, but now they are done in the graphics department and on tape. It may even be called digital. I'm not sure, though I should know what digital is.

C&G – "When is buying an extended 2-year warranty actually worth it?"
Car - 22% of the time
Computer - 10% of the time
Cheeseburger – One one-hundred-thousandth percent of the time

C&G: "Do you miss hearing about Anthony Weiner?"
76% - No.
24% - Miss hearing about him? He just texted me.

C&G: "Usage of the phrase ‘Polly want a cracker' among talking birds
92% - Birds with various names repeating the phrase by rote
8% - Birds named Polly expressing desire for a cracker

C&G: "Do you own a vibrating pen?"
98% - No
2% - squiggly line from a vibrating pen

C&G: "Favorite Batman"
11% - Michael Keaton
15% - Christian Bale
74% - Not Ben Affleck

C&G: "Can Vladimir Putin be trusted?"
80% - No
20% - Nyet.

C&G: "Why did you buy the new iPhone?"
19% - Sleek new interface
22% - Faster performance
59% - Hoping consumer purchase will fill the emotional void that dwells within me

C&G: "Why did Miley Cyrus & her fiance' split up?"
28% - He didn't care for her wild image
30% - Their careers kept them apart
42% - She began to have feelings for the wrecking ball.

ACT 3:
BILL O'REILLY

His new book, "Killing Jesus" is already a bestseller. Bill takes a lot of the religion out of the book and looks at Jesus, the man. Even without the religion, it a fascinating story. How could this man of little means, a laborer, a mason, become the most famous person who ever lived? Dave says he was a daily church and religion class attendee up to the age of 16 but then decided what most 16 year olds decide . . . I'll be back when I get married. So what can this book teach Dave that he doesn't already know? Bill's book is like a history book and spy thriller. It moves along at an entertaining pace, filling us in on the disciples of Jesus, his followers, and those who didn't take kindly to his message. Nothing has changed . . . it all came down to money. Even enemies rallied in their suspicions and hatred of Jesus. The book describes Judas in detail as the apostle's treasurer and how he hedged his bets when it looked like Jesus's end was nigh. (Did you see that? I used "nigh" . . . and I think correctly!)
I think I'll give this book a read, but I hear the sequel may even be better!

Into commercial, tonight's installment of the Backstage Photo Club is Late Show treasurer, Fred Nigro.
After the show I said to Fred in jest, "You know, Judas was a treasurer, too." He laughed, then took my name.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Catch Dave tomorrow with Donald Trump, and Selena Gomez. If I had my life to live over again, I wouldn't do anything differently, except 1971 to 1978, 1980, and 1983 to 2009 . . . . . . and 2011. And 2012."

ACT 6:
TOP TEN: INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY

Recent studies have shown that the dropping barometric pressure that frequently precedes a storm puts pressure on the joints in the body. The added pressure may cause some pain, which allows people to "predict the weather."

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY
9. It's impossible to lick your elbow, and nearly impossible to convince someone to do it for you.
7. Your pituitary gland can sense when a sitcom is a rerun.
4. Doesn't use MSG. (Sorry, that's an interesting fact about Hunan Balcony, a Chinese restaurant chain here in the city)

ACT 7:
THE HEAD AND THE HEART

From their new album, "Let's Be Still," the band from Seattle, Washington performed "Shake." I'm not up on the music these days, but a lot of people around here were really excited to have them here. I'll be giving their album a full listen.

And that was our show for Wednesday, October 16, 2013.

Oops. Some of yesterday's Wahoo filler was for today and some of today's was for yesterday. That would explain why you may have been confused more than normal.

Ever hear of the joke that the opposite of Pro is Con, therefore the opposite of Progress is Congress? Yeah, I remember hearing that the first time and thinking it was brilliant and original. I realize now that it probably had been around since Taft. But somebody right now just read that for the first time and may think I'm brilliant and original. You never know.

Traffic to me is like golf for others. I can spend all day talking about even though I know no one is interested. After a fine drive in and out on Monday, Columbus Day, Tuesday and Wednesday in and out, and Thursday's in have been dreadful. You know it's going to be bad when you turn on the radio for the traffic report and the lead story is your route. Accidents each day costing me hours and hours.
People wonder why I am in such a rush to get to work and why in a rush to get home. It's because there is an accident each day on the West Side Highway and I want to get past it before it happens.

Zero murders in New York City last week. Back in the day when I sat in a diner or found a place to rest while walking a beat, the city had 2,000 murders a year, close to 6 a day. You could get murdered and it wouldn't even make the paper. That was the crack for you. We arrested a lot of nice guys who just had to have it . . . HAD TO HAVE THE CRACK . . . . because it had them by the throat and wouldn't let go. On the bright side, I made a lot of overtime off it.

The New York Giants are down to their 5th string running back, but I'm excited about this. It was what I was hoping for since Week 1. The 5th string running back is a rookie and his name is Michael Cox. I'm looking forward to hearing the announcers say "Mike Cox" all game long. I'll giggle each time they say it. It's how I used to sign in when he had a substitute teacher in high school.
"Mike Cox? . . . . Where is Mike Cox?"

With the Yankees out of the playoffs, I have to fabricate reasons for whom to root. But me, that usually means who to root against. I've decided to root for blown saves by closers. Doesn't matter what team, I want the closers to blow save after save. It'll make Mariano Rivera look even better.
But as great as Mariano Rivera is and was, I keep thinking of him against the Cleveland Indians, Arizona Diamondbacks, and the Boston Red Sox. It's not fair but I can't help it.

The United States Nuclear Regulatory Commission was closed due to the government shutdown. On the front door of their building they left a sign, "Closed! Gone Fission."
Hey-Ohhhh!

The government and this shutdown is nothing more than professional wrestling. It's just a bunch of posturing and posing, talking smack about their opponent, full of blubber and bluster, and then one side pulls out a win at the last second for a miraculous win while the other side jumps up and says they cheated. Then they two go back in the locker room, snickering and counting their money.

Time now for This Date In CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History.
October 16, 2001: Showing her support at the Pearl River Columbus Day Parade, it's 2-year-old Amy Kuhn
This concludes another installment of This Date In CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday today, a good man, it's Bob Borden.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Thursday, October 30
A rare appearance by former Associate Director Pete Fatovich.
Wednesday, October 29
Jim Carrey, now lickable!
Tuesday, October 28
Showbiz bling: Paul wears a jacket made of real gold!
Monday, October 27
The legendary Jerry Lee Lewis can't stop singing.
Saturday, October 18
Do Alan and Foo Fighters' Pat Smear have something going on ?