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Wednesday, October 30, 2013 Dave and Indy Car champ Scott Dixon inspect the Astor Cup.
Show #3928
Rob Lowe, Scott Dixon, and Alan Jackson.
PLUS: Surveillance Tapes; Pat Farmer and Son; Cheney's Heart Talk; Tweets to the Late Show; a Top Ten List; and a Guy Who Paid to Look Like Justin Bieber.

" . . . and now, with the power of a straight-eight engine . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "It's the 127th birthday of the Statue of Liberty. The statue was shipped to America and had to be assembled. Never buy a statue from IKEA."

The NSA has been monitoring the phone calls of 35 world leaders, and now everyone is mad at us. We take a listen to a recording of one of the more controversial phone calls. It's Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
We hear a dial tone. We hear the automated voice mail voice:
VOICE MAIL VOICE: "Voice mailbox of..."
STEPHEN HARPER: "Stephen Harper."
VOICE MAIL VOICE: "Please enter your password."
We hear the password being entered.
VOICE MAIL VOICE: "You have no new voice messages . . . . and no saved messages."
STEPHEN HARPER: "Aww." Hangs up.

I get the same voice mail messages . . . thank goodness.

Hey, it's Pat Farmer! We find Pat standing next to Dave, interrupting the show.
DAVE: "Oh, hi, Pat. It's one of our stagehands, Pat Farmer."
PAT: "Hello, Dave."
DAVE: "Pat, what can I do for you?"
PAT: "Dave, if you have a minute, my son is backstage trick-or-treating."
DAVE: "You know, Pat, I really don't really have a minute. We're right in the middle of a show. And Halloween is . . .
PAT: "He's awful cute, Dave. He's a ghost."
Pat's son enters draped in a bed sheet.
SON: "Hey! How you doing? Trick or treat!"
DAVE: "That's cute! But I don't have any candy. I'm sorry."
PAT: "We take cash."
The son, as if rehearsed, sticks out his hand waiting for the treat. Dave reaches into his pocket and hands over a 20.
DAVE: "Happy Halloween."
PAT isn't all that satisfied with the single twenty. Dave peels off a few more to the kid. Pat and son exit.

Get used to it, Dave. You'll be peeling off twenties to Harry like nothing. I've got two at home! The worst part of giving away all those twenties to your kids is not so much the drain on your wallet . . . it's the lack of change you get back.
"Can I have some money to go get an ice cream?" You give a twenty. And that's it. No change. Twenty dollars for an ice cream

Playing the part of Pat's son . . . . fellow stagehand Gene Szymanski.

Cheney's been making the round to hawk his book about his reconstructed heart. I'm not sure what it's called but I wouldn't be surprised if it's called, "The Heart of the Heartless." We take a look at his visit with George Stephanopoulos on "This Week."
CHENEY: "I wake up every morning, literally, with a smile on my face, grateful for another day I never thought I'd see. And, uh . . . . . . "
FLATLINE! Cheney is out like a downtown light a year ago today.
And then Cheney springs back to life and continues as if nothing happened. He's like Freddie Kruger!

ACT 2:
I missed the pre-show Q&A, but apparently a question was asked about zoo animals. Something to do with horses and giraffes. Are they related? During the ACT 1 and commercial break, Eddie Brill came back to the shack and had me type up a blue card about horses and giraffes. I was in the dark as for why but knew it was something for Dave. He read some information off his phone as I typed it onto a blue card, barely making a mistake.
- Horses and giraffes are not in the same order.
- Horses are odd-toed ungulates.
- Giraffes are even-toed ungulates.
- Thus, giraffes are more closely-related to whales than to horses.

Hoo, boy. I wasn't sure about this, but since I missed what lead to it I wasn't going to make noise. Plus, time was short and a discussion was not timely. Eddie offered some more info but I sensed it would only bring up more questions than answers. "What's an ungulate?" I asked. Neither of us knew. I handed Eddie the blue card and while he made his way to the stage, I looked up "ungulate" and typed up another blue card. Then I watched.
Dave doubted the info on the card. I did, too. I spent some time looking to find how whales and giraffes are related. I decided anything I found would be too late to include so I logged off and got a cookie.

While I was looking up info on giraffes, horses, and whales, Dave read some recent tweets to the Late Show.
- Sue: "What did you really want to be when you grew up?" Dave says he always wanted to work at the Mayo Clinic.
- Rhonda: "Does Dave actually know what a tweet is?" Dave assures us all that he knows exactly what a tweet is. He explains: It's something that you type in on your tweeting device, and then it comes to our mainframe computer here at the Late Show. A guy will then copy it off the screen, type it onto a blue piece of paper like this, and then runs it down here to the theater and hands it to me!"
- Matthew: "Have you ever called someone 'bro-seph?' Dave ignores.
- "Dave, does your dog do any tricks?" Dave takes this time so show a photo of his good doggie, Sully. His only trick seems to be able to kill a deer.
- "What's Tony Mendez really like?" We all think highly of him, but few have anything good to say about him.
- Reg: "Isn't this a lot like Viewer Mail?" Dave thinks it over for a second and says, "No. This is exactly like Viewer Mail."
- Ron Ramos: "Can I have $5?" Dave with a quick, "Sure" and then moves on. He's got no money left. It all went to Pat's kid.
- Scott: "Dave, you stopped drinking a long time ago. What do you miss most about drinking beer?" Oh, I love Dave's drinking stories! He talks how he used to pound down the beer, never seeming able to get enough. He loved everything about it, even the hangovers. He enjoyed feeling his lips quiver the next morning. He remembers getting a sip of the stuff when he was just a kid from his dad. Dad thought Dave would taste and make a face of dislike. And Dave kept at it hard for another quarter century. And when his lips stopped quivering from the hangover, it meant it was time for another beer.
- Mark: "Dave, where do you see yourself in five years?" Dave: "Probably the Mayo Clinic."

And during the ACT 2, I looked up and saw something for my Odd Dave file. Dave was waving a blue piece of paper around as if stuck to his hand. He was making odd noises, too. Look for this in a future piece when we need Dave to be looking goofy. I have a whole lot of these.

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: RECENT SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERIES - a study in the journal "Sex Roles" found that men and women focus on the breasts and figure of a woman more than on her face. I'm placing this in my "DUH" file.
RECENT SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERIES
8. 70% of earth's surface is covered by Duane Reades.
3. The most common blood type in the world is "red".
2. Plants enjoy photosynthesis well into their 60s.

Hey, wait! These are Fun Facts, not top ten recent scientific discoveries!

ROB LOWE
You can see him in his recurring role on "Parks and Recreation" and as JFK in the National Geographic TV movie, "Killing Kennedy." During their chat, Rob Lowe said fellow-star on "Parks and Recreation," - "Amy Poehler is a 'oeuxj'" (to decipher, look to the right of each letter in 'oeuxj' on your keyboard), to which Dave defended, "That's not true!" And to Rob, "You're a lying son of a bitch!"
Rob grew up in California and always wanted to be an actor. He would trick-or-treat to the homes of famous people in hopes of meeting them. This may sound smart, but Rob would try this in April. Hey-Ohh! Rob and Dave talk about the old days of the 70s and living in California. We learn that surfers are very territorial. And that Rob Lowe got beat up for wearing Levi Tough Skin jeans.
I gotta go. I drove half way into work today, parked uptown, and took the subway in the rest of the way to save money. Cost me a lot more time than I thought it would, leaving me little time to create today's Wahoo Gazette, still the biggest secret on the internets.

ACT 4
There's a man who has had $100,000 worth of plastic surgery to make himself look like Justin Bieber. It's a fascinating story, so we invited him here to talk about it. Dave welcomes, Toby Sheldon.
Enter Toby, who looks as if he spent the money to look like former Late Show writer Gerard Mulligan.
DAVE: "Thanks for being here, Toby. You look good, I guess."
TOBY: "Whoa, there, Liberace. Toby's all about the ladies. What up, girlfriends! Don't be hatin'! Haters gonna hate."
DAVE: "Right. Can you give us a sense of what you looked like before the surgery?"
TOBY: 'Sure, Dave. I brought a photo."
We see a split screen of Toby pre-op and Toby post-op. The change is remarkably nothing.
TOBY: "As you can see, I was pretty much a monster, and I was rightly shunned by my community. But now I have a new face, a new body, and I'm $100,000 hunkier. Thank you, Obamacare."
Big red bold text stamps down: "Topical Satire!
TOBY: "That's topical satire, losers! You fine that on Arsenio!"
DAVE: "$100,000 is a lot of money. Break that down for us. Break down the expenses. "
TOBY: "Well, I spent $10,000 to get Justin's distinctive beard just right. Another $25,000 to give my face that youthful, 19-year-old glow. But the biggest expense was to get this tight Canadian ass that you can bounce a quarter off of. Go on, Dave, bounce a quarter off my ass."
DAVE: "Thanks, but I'd rather not."
TOBY: "C'mon, Dave. Here, I bought you some quarters. Don't be shy. Bounce a quarter of my ass.
Toby reaches into his pocket and throws quarters at Dave one at a time.
DAVE: "Please stop that."
TOBY: "Do it, dammit! Bounce a quarter off my ass! Do it! Do it!"
Toby continues his rant until Late Show Security puts down their coffee and cookies backstage and enter to haul Toby off. Toby continues to shout, not realizing he already got in his 5 lines and maximized his appearance fee.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Get back here tomorrow for Dave and his guests Will Arnett, Clive Davis, and The Avett Brothers. Plus, check out The Avett Brothers Live on Letterman. The Avett Brothers' exclusive Ed Sullivan Theater concert webcast is live Wednesday at 8 PM Eastern, 5 PM Pacific, only at cbs.com/lateshow. Latecomers will be seated at the discretion of the internet."

ACT 6:
SCOTT DIXON
He's won his 3rd IndyCar Series championship in 10 years. Scott and Dave talk about improvements in safety in the IndyCar series equipment and about the eco-friendly ethanol fuel. Scott is the dad of two girls, two and four. Does Scott think they will go into auto racing? He's says he's steering them into tennis and golf. Now that's a good dad!
What does one win for being the IZOD IndyCar Series Champion? Besides a lot of endorsements, Scott gets the Astor Cup. It's a good size thing that could easily hold an 18-pack with ice.

ACT 7:
ALAN JACKSON
From his new album, "The Bluegrass Album," Alan Jackson performed a very enjoyable "Blacktop."

And that was our show for Tuesday October 29, 2013.



Obamacare has been amended from "you can keep your health care plan, period" to "you can keep your health care plan, semicolon"

Northeastern University is now on the list. My daughter Danielle took a weekend visit up there in Boston to look around. She likes. I went to pick her up on Sunday and walked around a bit of Boston, making sure to stop at Fenway Park. We made a journey around the ball yard. I was very tempted stop in at a local for a beer and a sandwich and a beer but decided to wait until I attend a Fenway game to get the real feel. I didn't want to use up that initial meal and bev on a Red Sox off day.

So, did you take a look at the New York Times article about FOX missing the pickoff in Game 4 of the World Series to end the game? Yeah, FOX missed the play because they were showing an unknown female in the crowd with her hands near her face watching the game. I'm thrilled to get some names to go with the FOX blunder, though the FOX people don't feel it was much of a blunder.
The coordinating producer of baseball at FOX, Pete Macheska says the network will continue cut to fans and players to heighten the tension between pitches. Macheska is quoted in the New York Times: "Baseball isn't the quickest sport," he said. "If we stay on the field and don't give all the reactions, it's not as exciting as when we do." Ahh, so baseball isn't good enough. I think FOX needs a coordinating producer who has faith in the game of baseball.
And then there was a recap of the obstruction play that ended Game 3. This was shot well, and the director, Bill Webb explained: "You can't cut on that play," Webb said. "If you cut, you take attention from where the ball is."
And here is the follow-up question that was not asked:
So why when there is a guy on 3rd base and the batter hits a ball down the line and it is bouncing here and there and everywhere, why do you cut to the guy from 3rd walking across home plate instead of keeping on the ball to see how the outfielder handles it? Will it be a single, a double, a triple? We already know the guy from third will score.

OK, so we missed the final out of Game 4 of the World Series because Bill "Fred Merkle" Webb had us looking at a woman in the crowd. Next up: Basketball. I'm hoping we miss a stolen inbound pass with 4 seconds left in the game because the director is showing a closeup of the guy who just scored, his teammates on the bench, or a shot of his mom in the crowd.
Oh, and in Game 6 tonight at Fenway . . . if you're going to show people in the crowd, please show the old-timers who have been dreaming of witnessing a World Series championship at Fenway since Woodrow Wilson was in the White House. Don't show us any Jennifers or Kaytlins or Jasons or Justins.

Time now for This Date In CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History.
October 29, 1998 --- From London, Ontario, Larry Gifford
This concludes another installment of This Date In CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Norwalk High School in Connecticut, it's Bob Shriver and his dried up bloody nose.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Saturday, November 22
I'm not a tailor and I didn't play one on TV.
Thursday, November 20
Dave approves a family of actors to attend Thanksgiving in his stead.
Wednesday, November 19
Dave and Regis turn to their friend Peter Lassally for conversation.
Wednesday, November 19
Dally and Spanky take a shortcut during Stupid Pet Tricks.
Monday, November 17
Who's whiter: Dave or Jason Sudeikis?