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Tuesday, November 5, 2013 "Very funny, jackass." Find out what it means when a dog wags its tail.
Show #3933
Kathy Griffin, Bruce McCall, J. Cole, and a Special Top Ten List with House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi.
PLUS: Chris Christie on the Campaign Trail; Mitt on "Meet"; Hello, My Name is Dave; What It Means When a Dog Wags Its Tail; Dave's Practical Joke; and Alan Kalter Honors the Vote.

" . . . and now, happy days are here again . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
- "Did you vote? Anthony Weiner tweeted a photo of himself pulling the lever." Hearing this, I was struck with a bit of sadness. Oh, how easy life would be for the next four years for me and the writers if Anthony Weiner was our Mayor.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is running for re-election and it's expected for him to win in a romp. And why not? He's has great empathy for his Jersey constituents, quite evident by this clip of the Governor on the campaign trail.
We see clip of the Governor at his best:
- "Well, then I have no interest in answering your question."
- "Yeah, well, first off, it's none of your business."
- "Your rear end's gonna get thrown in jail, idiot!"
- "And let me tell you this . . . you know what?"
- "You know, you should really see me when I'm pissed."
- "Are you . . . are you stupid?"

Yup, Chris Christie telling the people what they need to hear.

Mitt Romney made his first appearance on "Meet The Press" since the 2012 election campaign. Even a year later, it's clear his election loss still stings a bit.
We see Mitt on "Meet" with David Gregory.
GREGORY: "Is there something that he should be concerned about?"
MITT: "Well, I'm not president."
GREGORY: "Did you not want to win it enough? How do you rebut that charge?"
MITT: "Well, I'm not president."
GREGORY: "How does that tension resolve itself? What's your prescription?"
MITT: "Well, I'm not president."

Yup, Mitt is not the president. And, no, we did not loop his "Well, I'm not President." Each of those was a unique answer to a question.
Hey, I'm not president either.

Out of the clip, we find a young gentleman standing by Dave. He's an up-and-comer from the network.
DAVE: "Oh, hi! How are you? Uhhh, may I help you?"
NETWORK DUDE: "I'm from the network."
DAVE: "Oh?"
NETWORK DUDE: "Hold still for a minute, please."
DAVE: "Sure. What's . . . what's going on?"
The network dude peels a "Hello, My Name is Dave" sticker and puts it on Dave's lapel.
DAVE: "Oh, I see, it's a name tag."
NETWORK DUDE: "Couldn't hurt. Might help."
Dave thanks the guy. He exits.

At this point during the show, I asked Property Master Pat Farmer backstage if we had any blank "Hello, My Name Is" stickers around. I suspected Kathy Griffin might want to come out with a sticker, too. I figured it couldn't hurt. Might help.

Do you folks like animal communication? Scientists have deciphered what it means when dogs wag their tails. We watch and learn.
ANNOUNCE: "When a dog's tail wags primarily to the left, the dog is nervous" (we see).
"When a tail wags to the right, the dog is happy" (we see).
"And when a tail wags with a pair of glasses on it, the dog is saying, 'Very funny, jackass" (we see a dog with a pair of glasses on its butt, just over the wagging tail.)
ART CARD/ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'What It Means When a Dog Wags Its Tail.' "

ACT 2:
Dave is a big fan of the practical jokes. He's always pulling gags around the office and surprising unsuspecting staffers. He videotaped one the other day on staffer Kathy Mavrikakis. Dave pretended to have passed out and when a staffer came to help, in this case Kathy, Dave would leap up and scare the bejeezes out of her. Dave got in camera in hopes it goes viral on the YouTube. We take a look.
We see Dave enter an office. He quickly lies down on the floor, face up. He waits for someone to enter to be discovered. After a few minutes, Kathy Mavrikakis enters and sees Dave passed out on the floor. She turns and shouts down the hall, "Good news, everybody, he's dead!" She exits to join the celebration down the hall.

I didn't find that all that funny. I mean . . . . Dave dead? I'd have to find a new job!

TOP TEN: THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES - and here with tonight's Top Ten list, the first female Speaker of the House and recent inductee in the National Women's Hall of Fame, House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi.

10. 19 representatives have gone on to become president, 10 have gone on to manage a Sizzlers
9. Members may vote 'Yea,' 'Nay,' or 'whatever'
8. When we water the capitol lawn, we use the hose of representatives
7. Our cafeteria chef created the original house salad
6. Every month we're tested for steroids
5. Steny Hoyer's middle name? Also "Steny"
4. Thanks to corporate sponsorship, majority whip now known as Miracle Whip
3. Members tap silverware against water glasses to encourage the house leaders to kiss
2. We have the power to impeach talk show hosts
1. The Tea Party isn't nearly as much fun as it sounds

Watch Leader Pelosi present the Top Ten on the Late Show website, and be sure to visit the Wahoo Gazette while you're there.

ACT 3:
Happy Birthday to Kathy. It was her birthday yesterday. She spent her birthday attending a sporting event, a Knicks organization sporting match. She has "arrived" because she was shown on the Madison Square Garden Jumbotron. She rubbed elbows with a lot of big shots who like to be seen at sporting events. And while she was watching the game, she caught a foul ball! In basketball, unfortunately, you don't get to keep foul basketballs.
Kathy takes a moment to straighten her dress. She feels as if it is creeping up a bit. She asks Dave to do some flattening.
Kathy says she's been talking to her good friend, Cher. This brings her to do her Cher impersonation. I always like Kathy's Cher.

Kathy is proud to say that she at 53 is dating a fella of 34. Dave quips, "What is he, an archeologist?" Yes, of course it was rude to say that to a guest but as with any comedian, the joke and laugh is always more important than feelings. It's understood. The professional Kathy herself probably liked it more than anyone.

Kathy Griffin - you can see her this Friday night at Carnegie Hall performing her show, "Bite My Big Apple" as part of the New York Comedy Festival. Even though it's Carnegie, she expects some guy in the back of the theater to call out, "Talk about how Kim Kardashian is a whore!"
That'll be me.

ACT 4:
We can always depend on our announcer Alan Kalter to come up with something. Tonight, he wants to honor America with a little song about voting on Election Day.
We see Alan dressed in an Uncle Sam costume.
He sings to the tune of Yankee Doodle, I think:

ALAN: "Be sure to cast your vote today
It's your chance to have your say
Take part in democracy
Get out and vote. Keep us free

Line up at your polling place
Help decide a local race
Voting is a right, you see
And a responsibility . . . ."

Dave interrupts: "Alan! Hey, Alan! Please stop it. I applaud your message, but the polls have been closed for several hours now . . ."

ALAN: "No, no, no. You don't mean that.
DAVE: "Voting is over. The polls are closed. The song is lovely, yes, but you're too late."
ALAN: "Seriously? But I rehearsed this thing for weeks, Dave."
DAVE: "Sorry."
ALAN: (now angry) "I went to Queens. I got a voting booth . . . I rented a costume . . . Well, that's just great . . . . a complete waste of time and effort. It would have been nice if somebody had told me. Anybody! The whole country can go to hell, for all I care!"
Dave tries to intercede but it's no use. Alan is being Alan.
ALAN (continuing): "I'm done trying to help! You mouth breathers would be better off under a dictatorship! It's pathetic! (Alan begins to exit) Pathetic! Just pathetic!"
Alan disappears behind the curtain door, but he continues to voice his displeasure.
ALAN: "We ought to give up now and surrender to North Korea! We don't deserve a free and open society! Maybe somebody could have said, 'Alan, let's do the voting song before Election Day.' I can't be expected to think of every detail. I'm a creative type. You're not blameless in this fiasco, Letterman! You could have said something. I know you want me to fail! Where's the accountability? Where? This isn't the country I grew up in! This isn't the country I love. Where's the decency? Anyone! Anyone! Talk to me, Dave! Talk to me! I've given up! I'm giving up! Awwwwww, screw it!"

Dave throws to commercial, appreciative of Alan's effort.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "We'll see you tomorrow as Dave welcomes Natalie Portman, Chris Elliott, and James Blunt. Visit to watch J. Cole Live on Letterman. J. Cole's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. You know I care for you deeply."

My idea . . . we come back from commercial following Alan Kalter's Election Day rant for tomorrow billboard and audience sweep. We keep the graphics and the promo footage, but instead of Alan announcing tomorrow's show, he continues with his rant throughout. He would not announce who and what is coming up on tomorrow's show, but continue with his wild and angry outburst. My idea was met with, "That would be funny." I get that a lot. I'm then left wondering what we're here for. Somehow, they are still not hearing my voice. Some do, but it's not the right "some." But then, maybe "That would be funny" is code for "That wouldn't be funny."

ACT 6:
The very funny writer and illustrator. His drawings have made the cover of The New Yorker magazine 50 times.
Bruce got his start in advertising as a copywriter. He specialized in selling high-end automobiles, such as the Mercedes.
A recent cover of The New Yorker features a drawing by McCall of the new Times Square. Mayor Bloomberg installed a pedestrian mall through the Square, ridding the area of any chance appearance by an actual New Yorker. The idea was deemed so successful that it bred more ideas, up to the point that it is now, as seen in the drawing, a wild frontier of roaming buffalo and stallion.

We take a look at the book, "This Land Is Made For You And Me, But Mostly Me," co-authored by Dave himself! The book is full of illustrations and commentary about morons with money. How they got their money in the first place is never quite explained, dammit. Some drawings include the world's fastest ski lodge, the world's longest fireplace (it has its own fire department), Galapagolf, Runway Ranch, a big screen TV at a ranch so the kids can enjoy nature's beauty without fearing coyotes. Some of Bruce McCall's other wacky interesting book of illustrations and commentary include:
- "Marveltown," "All Meat Looks Like South America," "The Last Dream-O-Rama," and "Zany Afternoons." Hours of fun. You can find these books in finer bookstores . . . . and 2nd grade bookstores.

ACT 7:
Like contests? Like prizes? Dave offers any person who buys 5,000 copies of "This Land Was Made For You and Me, But Mostly Me" at the $26 price will be invited to spend the day sitting in the lobby of the publisher.

From his most recent CD, "Born Sinner," J. Cole performed "Crooked Smile."

And that was our show for Tuesday November 5, 2013.

And now a peek behind the scenes. Alan sings his Yankee Doodle song to honor Election Day. He is told that the polls are closed. He becomes angry and exits, voicing his disproval as he goes. We lose sight of Alan but we continue to hear his ire. He had cue cards while on camera, but what about the rest? Earlier in the show, Alan asked if I could put on a sheet of paper in big font the rest of the script where he was to bellow. I taped his lines on the wall just beyond the curtain where he exited. As he was shouting his anger, I followed along reading from the script. When he came through the curtained exit, I pointed to where he was up to on the script. He then continued with his rant, reading from the piece of paper.
Now you know the rest of the story.
I really really miss the old voting booths. I hate the "fill in the boxes" system and then place it in something that looks like a shredder. After Tuesday's show, I drove home to vote. I had heard that maybe the old booths were back but it wasn't true. I signed in, was handed my ballot, then pointed to a station where I could filling in the blanks. My ballot couldn't quite fit on the desk provided so I had to place the horizontal ballot vertical. The whole thing was a nuisance. Then a neighbor came in and stood right next to my booth. He could have easily glanced at my ballot if he so desired. He started up a conversation. Hey, this isn't what voting is supposed to be. There is not supposed to be any chatting. Then he mentioned that I better vote for our neighbor (blah blah blah) and I laughed, but scolded, "No electioneering." As I left my station I said I would meet him at the victory party. I went to the shredder to complete the voting process. The woman nearby explained the procedure as she eyeballed by fully exposed ballot. The whole thing was very disappointing. Even the purple finger is a better system.

WHOA! How could this be? I'm watching the TV Sunday night and I come across an episode of The Honeymooners. Nothing funnier than The Honeymooners. I've seen every episode so many times I now like to watch with the sound off to appreciate the subtle actions of Ralph and Norton and Alice that I may overlook when concentrating on the dialogue. So I'm lying in bed half asleep/half awake . . . . and . . . really? I've never seen this episode before? Can't be! And it wasn't one of the older episodes that were recently found. No, this was one of the familiar 39. It was when Ed was laid off from his job and took up being a door-to-door iron salesman. Denise said she had seen this episode before but admitted it wasn't one of the more popular ones. Now I wonder if there are others from the original 39 that I haven't seen.
Fascinating stuff.

Time now for This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History.
November 5, 1999: Hoosier and webmistress, it's Traci
This concludes another installment of This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History

From Indy's Family Restaurant at Bankers Life Fieldhouse, it's Amy Holtsclaw
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.