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Thursday, November 14, 2013 Dave and former writer Will Forte yuk it up in 1997.
Show #3940
Claire Danes, Will Forte, and Metric.
PLUS: A Master Statesman; Something for the Ladies; the Gettysburg Address; a Top Ten list; an Animal Reenactment; and Dave with a Tale to Tell.

" . . and now, with an explosive first step . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Crack-smoking Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is accused of having a hooker in his office. I didn't see that coming."
- "Mayor Rob Ford partied with a prostitute. He says he didn't know what he was doing . . . said he was wired on crack."

More Rob Ford stuff? Of course! He's a crack-smoking politician; the gift that keeps giving.
Time for, "Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: Master Statesman"
ART CARD: TORONTO MAYOR ROB FORD: MASTER STATESMAN"
We see Mayor Ford at a Toronto City Council meeting. The statesman proclaims, "I will . . . . I will retract the . . . . the word 'ass.'"
ART CARD: TORONTO MAYOR ROB FORD: MASTER STATESMAN"

Hey, ladies, looking for some commie tingle? We got something for you. It's "Vladimir Putin: Something for the Ladies"
ART CARD: VLADIMIR PUTIN: SOMETHING FOR THE LADIES
We hear music often associated with the porn industry's films, so I've heard. We see President Putin in a karate outfit pretending he belongs in one. He gyrates his hips to the music. We slow it down for added pleasure.
ANNOUNCE: "See you next time on 'Vladimir Putin: Something for the Ladies.' "
ART CARD: VLADIMIR PUTIN: SOMETHING FOR THE LADIES

Ha! Fooled ya! You thought it was going to be the shirtless Vladimir Putin montage, didn't you?! DIDN'T YOU?!

150 years ago on Tuesday, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. He delivered the Address the first thing the next morning when he learned he had overcharged the customer. No no no, that's just a weak joke and a reference I was somewhat familiar. I looked it up on the Google and even though the joke wasn't funny, I decided to include the joke here due to the effort I put forth in finding the information. I didn't want my work to go for naught.

So, 150 years ago President Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. To commemorate the anniversary, documentary filmmaker Ken Burns asked notable people to recite the speech on film. We take a look at some of the participants.

ART CARD: THE ADDRESS: A FILM BY KEN BURNS
We see President Bill Clinton: "Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation . . ." Fade out. Fade in on Jimmy Carter. CARTER: ". . . conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal." We fade out on Carter. Fade in on . . . . . . will it be another President? Will it be Charlie Callas? If you said, "President," you are right. And if you said President GW Bush, give yourself a raise. We fade up on President George W. Bush.
BUSH: we see him sitting silently, confused, in the Oval Office.
ART CARD: THE ADDRESS: A FILM BY KEN BURNS

ACT 2:
Dave has a stack of "Small Town News" sitting on the desk. But he has a story to tell. We were unaware of the direction this would take. Three-quarters of the way through, the Control Room switches from Small Town News mode into "commercial cue" mode after the story.
Dave attended the return of Billy Crystal's one-man show on Broadway last night. The thing is sold out from now through the New Year. You can't get a ticket unless you're somebody. Dave and Paul were in attendance and they had a wonderful time. Dave doesn't like to go out all that much, mostly because other people may also be out. The small talk . . . oh, the small talk. Is there anything more frightening? Hiding under the covers at home is more inviting. (This is me talking, not Dave). Sitting by Dave in the theater is everyone's favorite uncle, Regis. Dave enjoys Regis here on the show because he knows he can always get rid of him whenever he wants. Out in a social setting, you never know when, or if, you can shake him. Dave kept conversation between them to a minimum, nothing more than a nodding gesture. At halftime back in the lobby where they serve small drinks for a big price, Dave overhears Regis says, "I can hardly wait to see what happens in the second half." Against his better judgment, Dave decides to open the door to an encounter with the Reege. Dave says to Regis, "Is that the best you can do? . . . . 'I can hardly wait to see what happens in the second half.' Really?" Dave was expecting more than that overused and tired commentary. It was Billy Crystal's one-man show. It wasn't a murder mystery; it wasn't some kind of thriller. It was a guy telling stories of his growing up. Naturally, Regis questions Dave's question and defensively goes on the offensive, demanding to know what was wrong with saying, "I can hardly wait to see what happens in the second half." Wife Joy then joins in, wondering the same. What is so wrong with saying, "I can hardly wait to see what happens in the second half"? The lights flicker to signal the 2nd half kickoff is about to take place. Regis is now running up and down the aisles wanting to know what was so wrong with what he said. Regis was pleading his case to the entire audience, even those in the balcony. Ushers swarmed in on Regis and dragged him out. Not sure, but I think by now Joy was pretending she wasn't with him. Regis was not allowed to return, which is a shame, because he should have seen what happened in the 2nd half!
To conclude, Dave explains this is why he doesn't like to go out.

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH ROB FORD'S MIND AT THIS MOMENT
- Mayor Rob Ford was quizzed by the Toronto City Council if he had ever purchased illegal drugs while in office. It took him 8 seconds to respond, "Yes, I did."
THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH ROB FORD'S MIND AT THIS MOMENT
8. "Yes, and I'd like some now."
7. "What would a crack-smoking Winston Churchill say?"
1. "Help me, Canadian Jesus!"

CLAIRE DANES
She's on the very popular Showtime show, "Heartland," a program which she's won two straight Emmy Awards.
Claire has been coming to the Late Show for most of her life. We see a photo of her first visit in 1995. Wow! This was even before the Wahoo Gazette! At the end of that July 18, 1995 interview, the charmed Dave asked if Claire could come back every night. She was her for "My So Called Life," all about teenage angst, is my guess. Claire is the mom to an under-one. This was the boy baby's first Halloween and Claire wanted to make it a memorable one for . . . . him? Claire dressed as the Empire State Building and her baby as King Kong. Very smart! Holding the baby the whole time and recreating the 1933 epic! Getting a King Kong costume was kinda easy. Getting a costume to look like the Empire State Building wasn't so easy. Claire had to improvise. She painted a bathroom plunger silver and put it on top of her head to make it look like the needle of the Empire State Building. Nice try, but not too successful. It looked her costume was her with a plunger on the head. Claire and her husband were guests at one of the White House Correspondent dinners and had the opportunity to meet the President. Very exciting. President Obama is a fan of "Homeland" and she was terribly intimidated and nervous and thrilled. When she met the President he was familiar with the show and said of Claire, "You are a fine actress." Looking for anything to come back with, Claire gushed, " . . . and you . . . are a fine President." He smiled and said, "But you are a finer actress." She knows she blew her opportunity to charm with her wit.

"Heartland" - Sunday nights at 9:00 PM on the Showtime. If I got the Showtime, I'd watch it.
Shouldn't I have all the prime pay cable channels? I mean, I need it for work, right? I could write it off, whatever that means.

ACT 4:
And now it's time for "Animals Reenact The News" - no, it's not animals reacting . . . . it's animals "reenacting" to the news. We watch.
The scrim rises.
ALAN ANNOUNCE: "Tonight on 'Animal Reenact The News,' Toronto Mayor Rob Ford testifies before the City Council." We see LIVE on stage two small demo tables. On one sits a turtle. On the other sits a guinea pig. Neither move. Both quite still.
We stay on the two shot.
Then we move in on the turtle.
The turtle 'says' . . . . we learn through captioning . . . . "Mr. Mayor, have you purchased illegal drugs in the past two years?"
Back to the guinea pig. Nothing. More nothing. And still, more nothing. And then the guinea pig, via captioning responds, "Yes, I have."
ALAN ANNOUNCE: "Thanks for watching, 'Animals Reenact The News.' Back to you, Dave.

Okay. That was . . . . something.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Check out tomorrow's Late Show with Dave and his guests Connie Britton, Lady Antebellum, and Stupid Pet Tricks. The World Food Programme is assisting the victims of the devastating typhoon in the Philippines. You can help. Go to wfp.org/typhoon and make a donation. Or text 'AID' to 27722 to make a ten dollar donation to the World Food Programme. Thank you."

ACT 6:
WILL FORTE
Former writer for the Late Show in 1997-1998, who left to get a real life at Saturday Night Live. Will was at SNL for eight years. He was a writer there who was used in a lot of skits and stuff. And now he's a real live actor in a real live movie! Will says his time at the Late Show as being "a very pleasant experience working here." Big laugh from the staff.
Will made his television debut on the Late Show in a bit we did entitled, "Everything's Funnier When Someone Gets Hurt" (June 30, 1997). I went back to check my Wahoos from that time. The Wahoo was still in its infancy, having been born in November of 1996. Yup, that's 17 years ago. And most staffers still have no idea it exists. I checked the Wahoo for June 30, 1997. Nothing. Back then the Wahoo was only a two-times-a-week thing and it barely had anything to do with the show. Looking over a month's work of Wahoos from '97 and it amazes me I was able to get away with that. But that's not why you're here. . . .
In the "Everything's Funnier When Someone Gets Hurt" bit, we find Will and Dave in Will's office. Will is seen cutting his own hair, who then accidently cuts off his finger. Ouch! But it's only a joke. We see that the finger was a fake finger on a fake hand. As Dave and Will laugh, Will slams the scissors into Dave's hand. Blood gushes.
Funny!

Will appears in the new film, "Nebraska," which opens Friday in select cities. He plays the son of a guy, played by Bruce Dern, who believes he won a million dollars in some kind of sweepstakes and needs to travel to Nebraska to claim the prize. Will tries to convince his it's a hoax and ends up going on the trip to keep an eye on dad and protect him from himself. Has Will ever gone on long roadtrips with relatives? He shares an amusing tale of how him mom is always on edge when Will is behind the wheel. 10 mph on the freeway is just a tad too fast for her. But when she's behind the wheel, she likes to drive by "ear". She will slowly fade into another lane and will continue to slowly glide over until she hears a horn blow. The horn will let her know the lane is occupied. She will float back into her lane and try again a bit later. Mirrors never used, except maybe to apply lipstick.
Will is still unsure how he got cast for the part in "Nebraska." Film credits include him playing a guy with a celery stalk up his butt. Not sure how that translated to this role.
We watch a clip from "Nebraska." In it, when quizzed by son Will Forte about his marriage to mom, Bruce answers, "It never came up." I laughed. Whenever I spend the weekend with my friends on a canoe trip, Denise will pepper me with questions. I will answer the same, "I don't know. It never came up." We never stop talking the whole weekend, but it's never about anything. It's how guys communicate. Denise: "I heard they're getting a divorce? What did he say about that?" Me: "I don't know. It never came up." But we talk the whole weekend.

"Nebraska" - it opens in select cities on Friday. I saw a 4-star review in today's paper. It's on my list.

ACT 7:
METRIC
From their new album, "Synthetica," Metric performed "The Wanderlust."
They've also just released an app for it.
I really gotta learn what this stuff means.

And that was our show for Thursday November 14, 2013.

Got in trouble when I got home last night. My daughters learned we had Lorde on the show and I didn't tell them. I said it wasn't the real Lord, but just a singer from New Zealand. Yeah, they knew that and they would have loved to seen her. I didn't know. I created a bit of a monster at home. Years ago I got them in to watch a Katy Perry webcast after a show. Afterwards, there was a "Meet & Greet" that I was unaware of. Luckily, I told them to sit tight because I sensed something was up. And then Katy came out. Only about a tenth of the audience had remained. They had special tickets for the "Meet & Greet." I got my girls on line and they got their photo taken with the extremely likable and friendly superstar. The photo now hangs at home. But the problem is they think that's the way it always is. They want to come to see Josh Hutcherson in two Mondays. They think they will have a "Meet & Greet" with him. I try to tell them that even I can't get a meet and greet with Josh, so there is no chance they will get one. So this is where I stand: I don't tell them when a Josh Hutcherson is on the show and they get mad at me; or I can tell them that Josh Hutcherson is on, get them front row balcony seats, and have them get mad at me for not introducing them to Josh.
Maybe I'll have the graphic department place Hutcherson's face over Katy Perry's body in the photo my girls have. They can pretend to their friends that they met Josh Hutcherson. I'll leave it up to them how to explain the spangly dress he's wearing.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford . . . . makes you wonder who lost to him.

Did you know that 30 degree F is "bitter cold"? Yup, at least according to the local weathermen. More than one described Wednesday's 30 as "bitter cold." Don't have much room to go from there.

This is not a good sign. I'm at the beer store the other day to buy a 12-pack. The guy in front of me on line is also getting a 12-pack. He pays and the owner gives the change and says, "Have a good week." I mosey on up with my 12. I pay. He gives me my change and says, "Have a good day."
I'm WahooMike and that's An American Story.

I guess you can add the Obamacare website to the Labor statistics of Americans not working.

Time now for This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History
November 14, 2002: From Virginia Beach, it's Jordan Hatton.
This concludes another installment of This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Monsignor Farrel High School, it's Kevin Kelly
This concludes another installment CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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