Vince Vaughn, Jimmie Johnson, and Luscious Jackson.
PLUS: Rob Ford Lie; Rob Ford on AC360; a phone call for Dave; a message from Butterball; The Newsroom spinoff; and a sponsored Top Ten list.
" . . . and now, a riddle wrapped up in tin foil . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
-"The trouble with the Obamacare website . . . it's hard to believe there are people who know less about computers than I do."
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford . . . you've heard about him, right? Well, he's not always so truthful. That inspired this new segment, "Rob Ford Lie."
ART CARD: ROB FORD LIE
We see the rotund mayor in speech mode. He claims, "I'm in the gym for two hours every day."
ART CARD: ROB FORD LIE
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford . . . you've heard about him, right? Well, he was interviewed today on the Anderson Cooper show, "AC360." We take a look at a promo.
ANNOUNCE: "Monday night, it's an ‘AC360' exclusive! Anderson confronts embattled Toronto mayor Rob Ford about his crack smoking . . . . . after smoking some crack himself."
Cut to a giggling Anderson Cooper. Anderson can't stop the giggles. As hard as he tries, he just can't stop. Crack is wack, kids.
ANNOUNCE: "Only on CNN."
Biff enters. Haven't seen him in a while.
BIFF: "Excuse me, Dave. Dave . . excuse me."
DAVE: "Oh, hi, Biff. What can I do for you?"
BIFF: "You have a phone call. Here."
Biff hands Dave a cellphone.
PAT FARMER (on the phone): "Hi, Dave. It's Pat Farmer, the stagehand who often comes out during the monologue to interrupt you."
DAVE: "Oh, yes, of course! Hi, Pat. What's going on?"
PAT: "I just wanted to let you know that I'm out sick, so I won't be able to interrupt the monologue tonight."
DAVE: "Uhhh, OK . . . . I'm very sorry to hear that, Pat."
PAT: "Thanks, Dave. Hopefully I'll be in tomorrow."
DAVE: "Yeah, OK. Well, feel better and I . . . "
Pat abruptly hangs up. Pat probably didn't want Dave to hear the barroom music in the background
Dave hands the phone back to Biff, who then exits.
November 19, 1963 . . . . where were you? If you were in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, you were probably listening to President Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. It was only 272 words. Lincoln kept making last-second changes to the speech and it drove his cue card guy nuts.
Cut to Tony "Cue Cards" Mendez: "Yeah . . . . . I heard that Lincoln was a big ‘oeuxj'."
(To decipher "oeuxj', simply look to the right of each letter in ‘oeuxj' on your keyboard.)
Too soon? Maybe. Too funny? No.
Tony said to me later that he almost forgot his line. That was the cause of his hesitation. He should have had cue cards.
Did you hear? There is a big turkey shortage. I'm not sure if that means there is a shortage of just big turkeys, or turkeys in general. Dave saw this announcement earlier today.
ANNOUNCE: "We here at Butterball wish to inform you that we are currently experiencing a turkey shortage, so please plan accordingly."
We cut to a young forlorn gentleman on his sofa. He is on the phone with his mom.
Guy: "Yeah, it's awful, mom. There's no turkeys. We got no choice but to cancel the big family Thanksgiving dinner." Freeze on the big smile from the guy.
ANNOUNCE: "You're welcome, America. A message from Butterball."
Do you enjoy "The Newsroom" on HBO? It's a big hit, and as with anything in TV, when something is successful you keep doing it and doing it and spinning it off and spinning it off. Dave takes a moment. Out in the distance . . . outside on 53rd Street we hear a siren sirening. Dave gives it a listen, then exclaims, "My ride's here!" Dave laughs at his own joke, explaining it's one of his favorites.
Anyway, back to Jeff Daniels and "The Newsroom." Dave saw this promo from HBO and the makers of "The Newsroom."
ANNOUNCE: "HBO presents . . . from Aaron Sorkin, the award-winning creator of ‘The West Wing': After ‘The Newsroom,' the most important room at any network is not the board room . . . It's not the control room . . . . It's not the conference room . . . . It's this room . . . (the shack? No, not the shack) . . . . it's this room . . ."
Cut to Jeff Daniels of "The Newsroom." He is in the supply room looking for something. He can't find it.
JEFF: "Out of hi-lighters. Great!"
ANNOUNCE/GRAPHIC: "'The Supply Room.' Coming soon."
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford . . . you've heard about him, right? Well, he's in a whole bunch of mess. Some of the controversy swirling around his beefy head is his smoking crack, snorting cocaine, buying illegal drugs, public drunkenness, cavorting with prostitutes, and being asked to resign,
TOP TEN: WORDS USED TO DESCRIBE TORONTO MAYOR ROB FORD
Dave opens the Top Ten, which is sponsored tonight.
ALAN ANNOUNCE: "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by Celebrity Height-Alikes. Spice up your next party or corporate event with special guests the same height as your favorite celebrities! How about a man exactly as tall as Sylvester Stallone? Or a woman just the same height as Reese Witherspoon?"
Cut to a testimonial of Height-Likes user: "Our sales meeting went crazy when we saw the guy who's precisely as tall as George Clooney!"
ALAN ANNOUNCE: "Call and book one of our fabulous Celebrity Height-Alikes today!
Back to you, crack-smoking drunk."
WORDS TEN WORDS USED TO DESCRIBE TORONTO MAYOR ROB FORD
7. The round mound of unwound
3. Sweating enthusiast
Many of us first got to know Vince Vaughn in "Swingers," the cultish favorite of nearly 20 years ago.
Vince likes Thanksgiving, as it is a time to give thanks and to avoid fights. It's tough to avoid fights with family since there is so much history and memory involved. All you want to do is have some turkey, take a nap, and get through the day. Vince suggests that relatives who come by air should either take a cab back and forth to the airport or they should rent a car. If you get through the weekend without a fight, it'll probably evolve in the car ride back to the airport. Vince then suggests you should make arrangements with your neighbors: they drive your relatives to the airport and you drive theirs.
Christmas at the Vaughn house growing up was a lot of fun. Vince was the youngest, with two older sisters. It was sort of relayed to him that as the youngest, he had to continue believing in Santa Claus forever. He and his sisters felt that when Vince admitted to not believing, then the gift-receiving gravy train would come to an end. As long as baby Vince still believed, the gifts would be plentiful. I think it was the year he received an electric razor was when his father told him the truth about Sana.
Vince's new film, "Delivery Man," is about a guy who sold his "seed" to woman looking to be seeded at a fertility clinic. He never dreamed his resume would be so ‘top shelf.' Ended up his "oats" were up and down the state, daddying 500. It opens this Friday.
ANNOUNCE: "You'll like us tomorrow, as Dave welcomes Jennifer Lawrence, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, and The Neighborhood! Plus, check out The Neighborhood Live on Letterman. The Neighborhood's exclusive Ed Sullivan Theater concert webcast is live Tuesday at 8 PM, 5 PM Pacific. Only at CBS.com/lateshow. Always wear safety goggles."
Before introducing Jimmie Johnson, we take a look at the latest Rob Ford footage. Just happened today. He nearly knocked over a woman. Uh oh. It's starting to become less funny. Still funny, but more "let's be a little careful about this" funny.
6-time NASCAR champion! Only Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt have won more, at 7 apiece. Wow. Being in the class of Petty and Earnhardt is pretty heady stuff. You're in the Ruth and Gehrig league. Jimmie says he grew up on the west coast and always dreamed of driving the open-wheel Indy cars. Would he now consider driving and participating in IndyCar series or Formula 1? Jimmie says it takes a lifetime to learn and become good enough to compete with the top drivers in each field. He would like to, but doesn't think he could achieve the heights he's reached in stock car.
I go camping every Memorial Day weekend. On Sunday, the Indianapolis 500 and the NASCAR Coca Cola 600 is run . . . at least it was called the Coca Cola 600 at the time of this story. My brother-in-law and his friend would sit by the radio to listen to the NASCAR race. Yeah . . . and you thought WATCHING a 600-mile car race would be a bit tedious . . . . . so asked them who won the Indianapolis 500. They looked at me like I was nuts. "This is NASCAR!" they barked. I said I knew that but I wondered if they announced who won the 500. Again, they looked at me like I had two heads instead of just one big one. They said, "Why? It's a totally different sport!" I left it at that, holding my tongue and not pointing out that both races involve cars going really fast counter-clockwise.
Dave places the 2013 NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Trophy on the desk. Jimmie's got 5 more of them at home. Pretty darn impressive.
96 days till the Daytona 500.
From their new album, "Magic Hour," the newly reunited New York band performed "Show Us What You Got." You can see Luscious Jackson performing on December 7th right here in New York at Webster Hall.
And that was our show for Monday, November 18, 2013.
Idea! Open a bar. Call it "The Gym." Never again have to lie to your wife.
I heard on the radio that Jimmie Johnson had a hashtag to signify his run for a 6th NASCAR championship. It was something like "Sixpack" or "6pack." Note to 7-Up . . . . get in on this.
Get in on the Jimmie Johnson quest for 7.
The last 7-Up sponsorship that I can recall was with Sam Hanks back in ‘41.
Mets meet with Robinson Cano and Jay Z. Mets sign Jay Z to play 2nd base.
Who decides . . . . what decides what is news? I remember reading a book about a cub reporter working at New York Newsday. He was just learning the business and came rushing in one day to his boss with what he thought may be a big story. He gushed, "Hey, should we make something of this?" He didn't realize what he had just said. I think that line only meant something to me because the reporter didn't go in that direction. He was on something else, but his line, "Hey, should we make something of this?" determined if it was going to be news or not. So, my brother-in-law lives down in Florida. He called to see how we were doing with the fire. The fire? Yes, there was a huge brush fire in the nearby mountains that somehow was big enough to be on the Florida TV news. It may have been on your news, too. Why was it news? Yes, it was big, but no life, no property was in real danger. It was a leaf fire and it made a great nighttime visual for TV. Being a great visual makes it newsworthy ("If it bleeds, it leads.") It was big local news because it was local, but I don't think it warranted being broadcast in Florida. It wasn't that big . . . but the line of fire looked really cool on TV.
And speaking of news, SUNY Cortland won the big Cortaca Jug game vs. Ithaca College this weekend, the biggest little game in the nation. But that wasn't the big news. Following the game, fans back in Cortland got a little too rambunctious. How rambunctious? Rambunctious enough to make the Sunday TV news here in the New York metro area 3 hours to the south. I saw a lot of familiar sites on the TV from my days at C-State. Lots of arrests were made. Will something be done about the rowdyism following the Cortaca Jug game in Cortland? Well, the game brings in a whole lot of money for the town. But now that drunken Cortland has made the widespread news, parents may think twice about sending their delicates to attend this institute of higher learning. And when that money lost becomes greater than the money gained by letting the carousers carouse with free reign, then things will be stopped.
Claire Danes. She's in "Homeland" . . . not "Heartland." "Homeland."
The New York Giants again play just good enough to win against a marginal Aaron Rogers-less Packer team. This makes the 0-6 Jints now 4-6. The defense is back, sorta, but the offense has yet to get it going. It seems we're winning while only functioning at 50%. And now our "playoff" game is this Sunday vs. the Dallas Cowboys. You never know what Giant team will show up and you never know what Cowboy team will show up.
Hey, maybe a Jet/Giant doubleheader at the house this Sunday with the neighborhood. If I didn't hate using the phone I'd makes some calls.
Oh, and a good thing about being a bad team in a terrible division . . . there's no thought of making the playoffs by the wildcard. That means Giant fans only have to be concerned with 3 other teams each week. It makes following the playoff chances a lot easier.
Time now for This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History
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