CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Thursday, November 21, 2013 Celebrities grab the mic and tell Dave's squirrel jokes.
Show #3945
Jonah Hill, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and J. Roddy Walston & The Business.
PLUS: Something From the AMC; a Consulting Consulting Firm; a Top Ten List; Coach's Corner; and Squirrel/Nut Jokes from Hollywood's Finest.

" . . . and now, perfect with a drizzle of olive oil . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Alex Rodriguez stormed out of his hearing over his use of performance enhancing drugs. He kicked a garbage can, pounded his fists on a table, and left in an angry outburst. It was like he was in some sort of rage."

Thanksgiving is right around the corner and the AMC movie channel is pulling out all the stops with their holiday movie lineup. We take a look at what they've done for Thanksgiving Week.
ART CARD: AMC PROUDLYL PRESENTS...
ANNOUNCE: "AMC proudly presents 'Casablanca for Turkeys.'"
Cut to a scene from the American classic. We see Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman in "Casablanca." Instead of their riveting dialogue, turkey gobbles replace it.
ANNOUNCE: "Tune in tomorrow for 'A Few Good Men for Turkeys.'"
Cut to the dramatic scene of Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise, the only part of the movie most of us can remember: You can't handle the truth," but in turkey gobble-speak
ANNOUNCE: "Only on AMC."

A private consulting firm warned the White House the Obamacare website would be a disaster, but they didn't listen. Another company is already taking advantage of the misstep. Was it the consulting firm's error? Did they not underline their fears? We take a look at this new company's commercial.
ANNOUNCE: "Trouble with your consulting firm? Then call Consulting Firm Consulting. It's a consulting firm for your consulting firm. Use Consulting Firm Consulting to consult on all your consulting firm concerns. Trouble with Consulting Firm Consulting? Then call Consulting Firm Consulting Firm Consulting, for a consulting firm consulting firm consultation. Consulting Firm Consulting and Consulting Firm Consulting Firm Consulting. We consult on consulting."

It's being reported that the White House's response to the consulting firm's warnings was "Details, shmetails."

But the devil is in the details.

ACT 2:
TOP TEN: FILMS ABOUT PANTS
Huh? What's this Top Ten about? Yeah, that's what I asked, since I'm the one who has to come up with an explanation and background information for each night's Top Ten. I asked around and learned the Top Ten was based on the possibility of a 3rd "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" film. I like to think I think a lot like Dave. I imagined his reaction to tonight's topic would include a slight, "Really?" My Top Ten info card was the following:

- "It is rumored that the cast of 'The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants' will reunite for a third film."

I included "rumored" because I wanted to make it sound like it was big news and something would be rumoring about. I knew Dave would react to the word "rumored." What other info could Dave want? I added more because I sensed he would find the topic a bit weak and would want to expand on it.

- "The original opened in 2005; the sequel in 2008."

And then since I mentioned the cast would reunite, well then, who makes up the cast? I was afraid there was already too much info on the card but . . . . the topic called for it.

- "The cast: America Ferrera, Alexis Bledel, Blake Lively, and Amber Tamblyn."

Dave works to make sense of tonight's Top Ten topic. Paul, sensing Dave needs some help, gushes that the rumor of another "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" makes this the "greatest day of my life!"
Unfortunately, most of the above was taken out of the show since we ran long. But the Top Ten FYI blue card? DING! I do think like him.

TOP TEN: FILMS ABOUT PANTS
10. "Ironed Man"
9. "The Britches of Madison County"
8. "Das Bootcut"
7. "Meet the Dockers"
6. "The Fly"
5. "Basic Inseam"
4. "Big Trouble in Little Chinos"
3. "Sherlock Hems"
2. "Crocodile Dungarees"
1. "Flashpants"

The weather around here has been very unpredictable, but I could have predicted that. Cold today, but not too long ago it was sweating-hot. Says Dave: "In fact, it was so warm I saw a squirrel blowing on his nuts."
ART CARD: TODAY IN CENTRAL PART. . .
We see a compilation of recent guests telling parts of "a squirrel in Central Park/his nuts" joke. Taken as a whole, the joke is completed a multiple of times. Sharing their celebritiness:
Tom Hanks, Jason Sudeikis, Rob Lowe, Nick Offerman, Charles Barkley, Lucy Liu, Michael Fassbender, Sting, Kunai Nayyar, Donald Trump, Sylvester Stallone, James Franco, Tom Selleck, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Ray Romano who finishes with, " . . . . I saw a squirrel rubbing sunblock on his nuts."
Camera pans to show his four not-impressed children in the green room. Says Ray to the camera, "Now I know what Letterman feels like."

ACT 3:
JONAH HILL
He's worked with pretty boys Leonardo Dicaprio and Brad Pitt, but Jonah's biggest thrill was working with his idol, Martin Scorsese on the upcoming film, "The Wolf of Wall Street." Many times in Jonah's career he's found himself wondering, "What the keck am I doing here?" Working with Scorsese was one of those times. To Jonah, there is none better than Mr. Scorsese. Jonah was totally in awe in his presence. But . . . Jonah admits he may have gotten too comfortable. The shooting of "The Wolf of Wall Street" was a long process. It took months. Director Scorsese has few rules but his most important rule is that when he sits to study the monitors for the playbacks, he wants quiet . . . absolute silence. Everyone knows this. Well, Jonah realizes now that he was getting a bit too comfortable with the surroundings. While Scorsese was reviewing a shoot on the monitor, Jonah was chatting it up with a nearby producer. During the one-way gab, Jonah received a text message. He read it. It was from Scorsese's assistant who was sitting right next to Martin. The message read, "You have to stop talking." Jonah became so frightened, so embarrassed, so "my career is over," that he threw down his phone and ran a quarter-mile up and down stairs to his trailer and hid under a blanket. Jonah says now he had no idea what he was thinking.

Later in the filming, a scene calls for Jonah to get punched in the face. Jonah ended up getting clobbered right in the kisser. His fake prop-teeth came flying out in pieces. Jonah was out on the floor, dazed and confused.. Martin came rushing over and ordered, "His face is swelling! Get him some new teeth and let's shoot it again." Dave surmises that Martin's desire for another take stemmed from the ill-advised chitchat days earlier.

"The Wolf of Wall Street" - it opens December 25th, or as I like to call it, Christmas.

ACT 4:
It's week 12 in the NFL, and you know what that means . . . time for "Coach's Corner, with Mike Singletary." Dave introduces the Minnesota Vikings special assistant to the Head Coach, Mike Singletary.
Split screen, Dave and Coach. The coach is in Mexico even though the Vikes play the Packers this week in Green Bay.
DAVE: "Coach, thanks for joining us."
COACH: "My pleasure, Jim. Happy Halloween."
DAVE: "Well, it's mid-November, but thank you. How are things going with your Vikings?"
COACH: "We are 2 and 8, and looking great."
DAVE: "Who do you play this week?"
COACH: "The Packers. That's why were in Meh-Hee-Co."
DAVE: "The Packers are from Green Bay."
COACH: "Damn it. That's on me."
DAVE: "Coach, I notice you're wearing a winter jacket. Isn't it warm in Mexico this time of year?"
COACH: "Ha ha ha ha ha. You never played football, did you, Jim. The great Vince Lombardi once told me, 'You don't dress for the weather you have, you dress for the weather you want.'"
DAVE: "Good luck with that. Now, Coach, do the Vikings have any mathematical chance at the playoffs this year?"
No answer - Coach Singletary says nothing.
DAVE: "Coach?"
COACH: "I'm waiting for a question. You know, you media guys want us to do your work for you. I'm going to do your job. I have a job, and my job is to be head coach of the damn Minnesota damn Vikings!"
DAVE: "Assistant to the head coach."
COACH: "Congratulations on your promotion. Blow the whistle and let's get this dime package out there!"
DAVE: "You're a former player, now a coach. You've been around the game a long time. Do you think the league needs to crack down on player hazing?"
COACH: "You'll have to call the league office on that. Do I look like Commissioner Tagliabue?"
DAVE: "Commissioner Goodell."
COACH: "And a Happy Halloween to you!"
Dave's had enough.
DAVE: "It's Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary."
COACH: "Red seven! Hollywood! Trips Right! Watch the mike! Watch the mike! Omaha!
Omaha! I mean, Tucson! Queens left! Doctor! Doctor! " and so on and so on and so on into commercial.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show, with Dave's guests Howard Stern, and comedian Adrienne Iapalucci. Hey, do you enjoy humor at the expense of wealthy idiots? Pick up a copy of Bruce McCall's new book, 'This Land Was Made For You and Me, but Mostly Me,' available wherever hilarious reading material is sold. With the holidays right around the corner, you can't go wrong buying them by the dozen. We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
CHIWETEL EJIOFOR (Choo-it-tell EDGY-oh-for)
Paul's intro music for Chiwetel is "Show and Tell." Close enough.
Chiwetel is from London and stars in the highly acclaimed, Oscar-buzzed film, "12 Years A Slave." While in London, Chiwetel spends a lot of time on a sailboat-like boat; a Dutch barge. Having a boat is great . . . . for about a month. Then things slowly start to fall apart. You are constantly working on fixing things to make the boat right. But there is that time . . . . maybe once or twice a year . . . where everything is absolutely perfect; the weather, the water, the boat, where it almost makes spending all that time and money on it worth it. Dave shares Chiwetel's love of boating and expresses how he's boated up and down the Hudson and East River here in New York. The audience laughs at what they feel is a joke. Wrong. The Hudson River is beautiful. You have the Manhattan skyline, the Statue of Liberty, and up north the gorgeous fall foliage of the Hudson Valley. The East River provides more views of the skyline.
"12 Years A Slave" is based on the memoir of Solomon Northup, a free black-man of the mid 1800s. He is kidnapped and sold into slavery. His story was well known in America for some time, went away, returned during the Civil Rights movement of the 60s, and then went away again. Now, it's back for good. Chiwetel says it is a role of a lifetime and is honored and privileged to play the part of Solomon Northup.
If you are going to see one movie this year, this is the one. "12 Years A Slave."
When saying goodnight, Dave asks Chiwetel, "Am I close with the pronunciation?"
Chiwetel: "You're really close, Dave."

ACT 7:
J. RODDY WALSTON & THE BUSINESS
From their new album, "Essential Tremors," the band from Baltimore, Maryland performed "Heavy Bells."
Loud! Energy! Liked it a lot! I'll be looking for more.

And that was our show for Thursday November 21, 2013.

Dave's squirrel/nuts joke . . . I pitch this joke every now and then. Hopefully, just for me, it will one day be attempted.
DAVE at the monologue: "Let's see . . . . not much happened today. This morning in Central Park on my way to work, I saw a squirrel . . . . "

And that would be it. It's a joke for the loyal viewers. Newbies would be left scratching their head, as in "I don't get it." But they're not supposed to. It's a joke for the every nighters, like a reward for your patronage, like one of Dave's inside jokes for the studio audience. The above would be for the night-in and night-out home viewers. Big laugh? No. But those who would laugh would knowingly appreciate it.
And I picture Paul loving it.

Usually when I make a suggestion, it's met with, "Yeah, that would be funny." I always thought that was the idea. But maybe "Yeah, that would be funny" is code for "No, that would not be funny."

My other idea for tonight's show:
At the end of Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary in the ACT 4, the coach is barking and yelling and shouting as Dave throws to commercial. When we come to do the audience sweep and Alan's announce of tomorrow's guests in the ACT 5, I suggested that we should still hear Coach Singletary shouting about throughout.
"Yeah, that would be funny."

Oh, Alex, Alex, Alex. Yankee-grate . . . . . yeah, that's right . . . grate . . . . Yankee-grate Alex Rodriguez is battling it out in arbitration court with Major League Baseball over his alleged steroid/performance enhancing drug use. The whole thing is like a Shakespearian tragic-comedy and A-Rod's storming out of the courtroom kicking and screaming the other day was like a scene out of a Fellini movie . . . . . . Does that make me sound like I know anything about Shakespeare or Fellini? I hope so. Let's all pretend we know what I mean.

I'm no doctor, I'm no tech geek, but I think one of the problems with Obamacare is atrophy

In Wednesday's Wahoo I hinted that I might be on Thursday's show. You can disregard.

Time now for This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History
11/21/2000 - Brian Mertens. Thanks for letting me know it was Johnny who ate the potato chip and not Dave.
This concludes another installment of This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's her birthday today, from Ramapo Senior High School, Jayne Untener Phillips. Sorry I missed your 50th back when.
This concludes another installment CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

John C. Reilly
Rachelle Lefevre
Conor Oberst

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Friday, July 25
From an ad in a newspaper... "Click here"?
Wednesday, July 23
The PonyCycle gets put out to pasture.
Tuesday, July 22
Naked daters and their disgusted chairs.
Monday, July 21
The Late Show turns into "MacArthur Park" for one night.
Friday, July 18
Intern Todd has fun at the 2014 All-Star Game.