Martha Stewart and Pitbull.
PLUS: Something New from Butterball; the Costco Bible; Hanukkah Miracles: Then and Now; Phone Call with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford; and a Top Ten List.
" . . . and now, the center square for the block . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
- "Thanksgiving this week. I remember last thinking, 'This is really going well.' Then I realized I picked up the wrong family"
For the first time, Butterball is hiring men to answer calls on its turkey hotline. They say it's an effort to put their male customers at ease. We take a listen and a look at the announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "As more and more men take an active role in making Thanksgiving dinner, Butterball wants to make them feel comfortable by including male operators among our Butterball hotline staff. But that's not our only innovation this year. Now, depending on our specific turkey needs, you can request a female operator, a male operator, a male operator dressed as a female operator, or a female operator with a mustache.
Butterball: The dead bird people."
Costco has apologized for labeling their Bibles as "fiction." We have a photo of the label in question.
We see the photo of the bible.
Dave then says he thinks he spotted another labeling issue. He asks if we can widen out the shot.
We then see the bible more clearly. It's written by Dean Koontz.
It's the 150th Anniversary of the Gettysburg Address and the five living presidents have all been participating in events this past week. Dave found this one thing they did to be a bit odd.
We see the K-Mart commercial of guys in their boxers. We put the heads of the 5 living presidents on the boxer bodies. They then play Jingle Bells by jingling their beans.
Hanukkah begins on Wednesday night, so we've prepared a piece called, "Hanukah Miracles: Then and Now."
ANNOUNCE: "Then: a lamp with only enough oil to burn for one night somehow managed to burn for eight nights."
"Now: A comedy reference that should have only lasted one night somehow manages to drag on for three weeks."
We watch a shot widen to reveal Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. He then does some wacky stuff.
ANNOUNCE: "Happy Hanukkah, everybody."
Can you believe it? On the phone is Rob Ford! Dave picks up the phone.
DAVE: "Mr. Mayor, can you hear me?"
FORD: "Loud and clear."
DAVE: "Great. So your City Council stripped you of most of your powers. Can you tell us how you were feeling during those City Council meetings?"
FORD: "I don't know. I was probably very inebriated. Very inebriated."
DAVE: "I'm sorry? You were drunk during the City Council meetings?"
FORD: "Depending on what you consider drinking, sometimes people drink two or three drinks and they're drunk. I'm a big guy, so it might take me a bit longer."
DAVE: "So, how are you spending your free time?"
FORD: "I'm in the gym for two hours every day."
DAVE: "Wow, that's a lot. How much can you lift?"
FORD: "30 pounds."
DAVE: "OK, then. Mr. Mayor, you've admitted to smoking crack, correct?"
FORD: "A year ago sometime."
DAVE: "Did you enjoy it?"
DAVE: "But despite this scandal, you're still running for reelection?"
FORD: "The people haven't spoken yet, John."
DAVE: "It's Dave, actually . . . "
FORD: "You know what? I'm a human being, OK, Peter?"
DAVE: "Again, it's Dave. Not Peter. Mayor Ford, just a wild guess: you're on crack right now, aren't you?"
FORD: " . . . . . . . . . you're absolutely right."
DAVE: "I appreciate your honesty. Well, is there anything else you'd like to say?"
FORD: "I don't do drugs."
Hangs up abruptly.
Good get by the talent department!
TOP TEN: THINGS TO LOOK FOR IN THIS YEAR'S MACY'S THANKSIVING DAY PARADE
My FYI blue card included the following:
- The first Macy's Parade was in 1924.
- The first character balloon was Felix the Cat in 1927.
- Featured performers in this year's parade include: Carrie Underwood, The Goo Goo
Dolls, Richard Simmons, and the cast of "Duck Dynasty."
The first bits of info is typical stuff I would add. Since the topic was things you should look for at the parade, I decided to add some of the performing acts. I started out with Carrie Underwood and The Goo Goo Dolls to keep it straight and informational. I added Richard Simmons, who was on the list, because I knew Dave could and would have fun with that. I included the cast of "Duck Dynasty" because I . . . well, I'm not sure why. I just thought it was very odd and wondered how they would entertain during a parade. I was thinking of my list of performers on the blue card during Dave's phone conversation with Mayor Rob Ford. And then . . . . DOH! Of course! With Richard Simmons on the list and it being Thanksgiving, we would HAVE to have the shot of Dave spraying the fire extinguisher at Richard while he wore a turkey costume. How could I have been so stupid to not think of that beforehand? I quickly looked up where we had the shot but before I could call it in, Dave had mentioned he wanted it and Randi the Associate Director was already on it. Simmons in a turkey costume and getting sprayed with a fire extinguisher is on her "ready" list. It didn't take her long to come up with the shot.
And that's the story about that.
THINGS TO LOOK FOR IN THIS YEAR'S MACY'S THANKSIVING DAY PARADE
9. All your favorite stars from 2003'
4. Due to high wings, Garfield balloon dragged down Broadway. (VT)
1. Miley Cyrus swinging on a Butterball.
I'm making this quick. She and Dave take some selfies. Dave squeezes Ms. Martha's legs a few times. Lots of good teasing back and forth. Dave feels pumpkin pie is really overrated. I agree, but you have to have it on Thanksgiving . . . and ONLY Thanksgiving. Dave's favorite pie? We should all know this. It's cherry pie.
Dave shows off some of Martha's cakes, and then delivers one to the audience.
Look for Martha's 2013 Fall Collection of Home Essentials now on sale at Macy's.
IS THIS ANYTHING?
Martha stays on to play along. Behind the scrim is a performance that Dave, Paul, and Martha will determine whether it is anything or not.
It's an acrobatic performance from an off-Broadway stage show called "La Soiree" now playing downtown at the Union Square Theater.
Paul says it magnificent.
Martha says it's tremendous.
Dave says it is absolutely anything.
ANNOUNCE: "Try us again tomorrow as Dave welcomes John Goodman, comedian Kevin McCaffrey, and Iggy Azalea with T.I.
Visit CBS.com/lateshow to watch Pitbull Live on Letterman. Pitbull's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. Don't make me tell you punks again!"
Hey, there's a lot there with Pitbull. Pitbull is a proud, first generation Cuban American, born and raised in Miami/Dade County in Florida. Growing up there in the 80s, he got to live among some real life Scarfaces. He turned to music to lead him out. What helped him make the right choices? Pitbull lists his strong family, good foundation, having to stand for something, being deeply rooted in his culture, and knowing where he came from and where he is going. The United States offers the opportunity to make the most of yourself and you need to take advantage of that. And he has. He has also opened a school in his home neighborhood called SLAM - Sports Learning and Management Academy. It's from grades 6-12 and tries to hook kids into schooling and learning things they would not normally be exposed to. 800 kids are currently enrolled with a waiting list of 3,000.
Pitbull then performed "Timber" from his new deluxe album, "Global Warming: Meltdown."
And that was our show for Tuesday November 28, 2013.
I'm in a rush.
New York promotes their lottery game with 'Hey, you never know" as in, hey, you never know . . . . you might win. But if I don't play, I know for sure. So, "Hey, You never know" doesn't quite work with me.
My goal for 2014 is to make Chris Kimball the coolest guy in town. I want him to become a cult icon. Who is Chris Kimball? He's the bow-tied guy on "Cooks Kitchen" and "America's Test Kitchen." It's the best cooking show on the TV. No contests, no racing around, no competition. It's just good food where you can actually learn something.
In a New York Times piece this past Sunday when he was asked what music he is listening to these days, he said, "For music, it's either Brahms or the Grateful Dead, usually the latter." And in his free time: "Rabbit hunting is my favorite winter pastime. A friend, a beagle and a sandwich, and we are out in the fields and woods all day."
Very interesting guy, Chris Kimball.
Knicks are 3-10. Walt "Clyde" Frazier looking for a work that rhymes with "awful"
Heard this on the news today. Turkeys are filing a lawsuit against the food industry claiming they are being profiled on Thanksgiving.
Let's say a Late Show intern is 20 years old. He or she would have been born in 1993. That's 30 years after the assassination of President Kennedy. Their thoughts of Kennedy would be like my thoughts of . . . . 1928?! Really? Their JFK is like the stock market crash of 1929 for me? Like Babe Ruth's 60 home runs in 1927? Like Lindbergh across the Atlantic in 1927? Really? That . . . that just hurts. This aging thing isn't for the weak.
Sky Fierreira on Monday night performed "You're Not the One," not "24 Hours" like I reported. I made an error. The sun got in my eyes.
Time now for This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History
November 26, 2003: Bob Shriver
This concludes another installment of This Date in CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER History
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday today, from California, by way of . . . Staten Island, I think, it's Brian McAloon.
This concludes another installment CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee