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Monday, December 9, 2013 How does Stephen Colbert's fake mustache look on Dave?
Show #3950
Stephen Colbert, Ian McKellen, and Chvrches.
PLUS: turkey fowl play; last night's "Homeland"; Maria from The Sound of Music sings a ditty; a United Airlines promotion; Dave's Thanksgiving story; Charts and Graphs; and a Top Ten list.

" . . . and now, looking nothing like a duck . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"The Capitol Christmas tree was lit this weekend. Joe Biden spent the last 3 days in the basement untangling the lights."

Enjoy your Thanksgiving? We did. So much so that we refurbished a piece we had ready to go last week and used it tonight. We take a look at this odd commercial Dave recently saw.
ANNOUNCE: (turkey footage) "Are you a turkey? Have you been injured as a result of Thanksgiving? Have you or a loved one been cooked or turned into gravy? If so, you may be due a large cash reward. The law firm of Jacobs & Zick has been dealing with Thanksgiving-related injuries since 2006."
TURKEY TESTIMONIAL: (its gobble is translated into English) "Thanks to Jacobs & Zick, I now have enough money to buy a speedboat."
We see the turkey enjoying a ride in his brand new speedboat.
ANNOUNCE: "Call now."

Do you like the "Homeland"? If I got the Showtime, I know I would. Last night's episode had a thrilling and dramatic conclusion. We take a look at a clip from the CBS-owned Showtime. I think CBS owns it. Yes, I should probably know such things.
We see some of the final dramatic footage from "Homeland." A little research on my part found that the guy we see is named Brody . . . Nick Brody. The dead guy I believe is named Akbari.
Nick makes a phone call on his cell. Really? Kids today are so darn attached to their cell phones. Nick dials. Phone rings. We hear on the other end,
VOICE: "Let's go to Nick. Nick, what's happening'?"
NICK BRODY: "It's done. I'm in Akbari's office. I killed him."
We see the voice on the other end is Mike Francesa from WFAN sports talk radio here in New York.
MIKE: "To me, I don't know what the point is, but it'll get a lot of publicity."
NICK: "Get me out of here!"
MIKE: "The idea that there's any importance to this, and it will get raging headlines, will have everybody . . . . uhhh . . . . "
Closing credits.

Wow! Can't believe Francesa didn't hang up on Nick. Nick must be a Parcells fan.

Out of the clip, we find a fine young damsel standing next to Dave. She looks and is dressed much like Maria, played by Carrie Underwood the other night, from "The Sound of Music." She sings, to the tune of "Do Re Mi":
"Dave, a host, a talk-show host
Gray, the color of his skin
D, a grade I give this show . . . . "
She stops singing, saying to Dave: "That's all I have right now. I'll be back a little later with some more." She exits.
DAVE: "We have got to put somebody on the door!"
We have a guy at the door. Unfortunately, he's an Aussie.

Wait. Hold it. ‘Aussie' is short for Australian. "The Sound of Music" Maria was from Austria. Darn, I need another name for an Austrian. Damn it, too late now. The joke's ruined. Besides, the guy we have at the door is from the Bronx.

United Airlines has done us all a favor. Not sure if you've seen this promotion. We take a look. For millions of Americans, it's a stressful week. Dave saw a commercial that could bring relief to a lot of people.

ANNOUNCE: "Do you hate the hassles of holiday air travel almost as much as you hate the tedious awkward Thanksgiving dinner with family? Announcing United Airlines' Reluctant Traveler Service. For a nominal fee, we'll book you on a pretend United flight with a plausible flight number, gate number, and arrival time you can tell your family. Then, at the last minute . . . oh, no! You're flight's been canceled! You wanted to be there, but what can you do? United Airlines. We get it."

Circa: 11/19/12.

ACT 2:
It happens often after a break; Dave has a tale to tell. Dave, his wife, and son spent Thanksgiving at Dave's in-laws. It was a big whoop-dee-doo with plentiful food and grog. Dave's mother-in-law was hard at work making the stuffing. She took off her wedding and engagement ring and put them off to the side so she could get right down into the stuff to give it a good two-fisted hand-mixing. A few hours later, she realizes she can't find her rings. The family pays her little mind as they are enjoying the grog a wee bit too much. During the dine, Dave's brother-in-law starts to gag, starts to choke.
Something is lodged in his windpipe. He gives the universal sign of choking. Either that, or he was doing a December Tony Romo impersonation. Not sure which. Dave rushed over and did the Heimlich Remover but whatever was in his bro-in-law's throat was still there. A call to 911 was placed and the EMT's, God bless them, rushed over. They were able to clear the windpipe of the obstruction. And what was it that was stuck in his brother-in-law's throat? Any guesses? Yup, a piece of celery from the stuffing.

Now's as good a time as any from some Charts and Graphs. No longer are the Charts and Graphs on boards, but on . . . on tape or something provided by the Control Room.
-Do you consider yourself to be indecisive?
50% n...yes 50% ye...no

-Who administered your flu shot?
35% personal physician
20% neighborhood pharmacist
45% the CDC's lovable syringe character, Lil' Prick

-What do graph designers do when they're bored?
60% surf the Internet
25% e-mail friends
15% add mustaches to bar graphs – mustaches appear on each bar.

-Sounds at the Cheney family Thanksgiving dinner
50% people arguing
50% awkward silence with clanking of silverware and a low hum of a pacemaker

-During the holiday season, how do you prefer to see relatives?
30% at my home
30% at their home
40% through a drunken haze (I Played The Dave – I thought Dave would start singing Bob Dylan's "The Ballad of Ira Hayes." That's how I know it. You may know it from Johnny Cash or Pete Seeger. Whatever . . . it was written by Peter La Farge. Either way, Dave did not start singing "The Ballad of Ira Hayes.")

-What are ‘Late Show' viewers doing right now?
11% watching the ‘Late Show'
89% changing the channel

-Thoughts fat guys have about this chart
30% "That looks sort of like a pizza."
28% "Now it looks even more like a pizza."
23% "That's gotta be a pizza."
19% "Thank you, Jesus - it's a pizza!"

ACT 3:
STEPHEN COLBERT

Always very funny and quick-witted. Mr. Colbert enters wearing a costume out of a Dickens Village. He plays the part of an English chap around Christmas time who has just lost his job and is in search of a pittance, though keeping his spirits bright.
Stephen and family are back from a working vacation in New Zealand. They were invited to partake in a small cameo in the Hobbit film. Stephen says you'll have to look closely to find them. Stephen says being a part of The Hobbit was a lot of fun, but being in New Zealand was absolutely wondrous. He describes it as the Adventure Capital of the World. He says you get the feeling that if you moved there, you would become a man.
While in New Zealand, his 9-year-old son went bungee jumping. Mom decided to go shopping that day and didn't want to watch; didn't want to be the one who said, "Yeah, go ahead and give it a try." Stephen had no interest in bungee jumping, nor did his other son. Stephen did go para-sailing and another son went mountain climbing. That son likes to climb mountains but doesn't like to jump off when he gets to the top.
The family also went to Rome. Stephen isn't much of a fan of the new Pope. Not judgmental enough.
Stephen Colbert – catch "The Colbert Report" on DVR Monday thru Thursday at 11:30 PM on the Comedy Central.

ACT 4:
After Colbert left, Dave discovered a mustache he left behind. Never letting anything go to waste, Dave dons the mustache and presents the night's Top Ten mustachioed.
TOP TEN THOUGHTS
Blue Card info: "A study by the Stanford University School of Medicine has found they can ‘eavesdrop' on brain activity, which may eventually provide mind-reading applications."
I originally was going to shorten the info card a bit and simply say it was a scientific study but decided to go with "the Stanford University School of Medicine" in hopes Dave would scoff at it, much like he does when referring to the New York Times as "that rag." DING!

TOP TEN THOUGHTS
10. "At least I'm not as fat as that guy."
2. "Will someone wake me up when it's time to get off the plane?"
1. "I wish the new healthcare plan wasn't named after me."

Collect them all! Going into commercial, we see tonight's installment of the "Backstage Photo Club" --- Executive Producer Eric Stangel with R2D2. Eric was the one on the left.

Why not? Under my Odd Dave file, I'll submit his Top Ten in a black mustache.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE:
"We're going again tomorrow with Dave and his guests Billy Crystal, Julie Chen, and ZZ Ward. When we come back, we'll have the amazing story of a lonely barber who constructed a girlfriend out of hair clippings."

ACT 6:
IAN MCKELLEN

Ian McKellen stars in the new Hobbit film coming out on Friday. He was in the Lord of the Rings trilogy and now in the Hobbit triple play. They shoot these at the same time. Sounds busy and confusing. Who keeps track of such things? McKellen quickly acknowledges, "Certainly not the actors." Some suspect that he's agreed to be part of the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit simply because they are filmed in New Zealand. Ian doesn't strongly object to that suspicion. There are few places as lovely as New Zealand.
Dave says there is a lot of "green screen" acting in the Rings and The Hobbit; lots of CGI performing. It's as if an actor has to act in a closet without being aware of what's not around him. Ian softly reminds Dave that he's been out of the closet for some time now. Ian says that actors are trained to perform with a lot of pretending. He points out that even sitting at the Late Show desk . . . . that's not really New York City behind Dave. In addition to "The Hobbit," Ian is currently performing in two different Broadway plays performed by the same cast on alternating days. Along with Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen is performing in Harold Pinter's "No Man's Land" and in Samuel Beckett's "Waiting for Godot."
We see a photo of Ian McKellen with Nelson Mandela. It was from 1995. Mandela had not long been President of South Africa and the new constitution was being written. Ian was in South Africa lobbying to ensure that it would be constitutionally illegal to discriminate on the grounds of sexuality. Mandela immediately assured Ian that he had his support. South Africa became the 5th country in the world to legalize gay marriage.

"The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug" is in every theater in the nation this Friday.

ACT 7:
CHVRCHES
(pronounced "Churches" but spelled with a V instead of a U. Oh, those kids!)
From their new album, "The Bones of What You Believe," Chvrches performed "We Sink."

And that was our show for Monday, December 9, 2013.

How was my Thanksgiving break? I spent the entire week decorating the house for Christmas. Denise always thinks I have the worst vacations but I tell her I like doing stuff around the house. Any inclimate weather held off until I was done. Somehow I make this chore last the entire week. I don't mean to, but it does take the week. It may be due to the music and beer that accompanies my efforts. I don't abuse the drink, but I like to always have one a reach away when working around the yard.

This year's decorations came out very nice; inside and out. I'm a bit disappointed by some neighbors far and wide who do not put the effort into their decorations. Some say it takes too much work. But . . . the decorations are not for the adults . . . it's for the kids! And when you do it for the kids, you eventually realize you're doing it for yourself, too.

What I like most about Christmas decorations is driving around and looking at other houses. My eye always searches for a strand of lights that are not working. It may be on the house or on an outdoor tree or hanging from the garage. I'll stop and gaze at the light-strand that is not working . . . . and picture the scene of the dad making the discovery when he plugs in the lights. It never fails to bring me a chuckle.

Uh oh. I went out to eat twice over the break. Only when I'm out at a restaurant do I order one of those craft beers. I avoid the Budweiser, the Coors, the Miller. I like to go specialty. And now . . . . . I fear I'm beginning to like the craft beer. But I don't want to like the craft beer. I like keeping my tastes cheap. I now fear I'll be sipping an inexpensive Carling Black Label and thinking how I wish I had a Captain Lawrence.

I hate it when people try to force religion into Christmas.

This is Michael Z. McIntee: The "Who?" in Wahoo.



Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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