Billy Crystal, Julie Chen, and ZZ Ward.
PLUS: Santa Translated; Sue Hum with a Scarf; Rand Paul's Wife; NBC Infuses Musicals into Their Programming; Tweets; and a Top Ten List.
" . . . and now, on television for your convenience . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
You see a lot of mall Santas this time of year. Wonder why. We've prepared an informative segment called, "Mall Santas Decoded." We take a look.
We see a Santa. He exclaims, 'Ho Ho Ho" which translated means, "I have drug-resistant tuberculosis."
Hey! It's Sue Hum, our costume designer! She enters carrying a white scarf. Ever the dutiful employee, Sue does exactly as told and reads directly from the cue card in front of her.
SUE: "I was told you needed an opera scarf. Don't fight this. Just hold still and wear it." Dave just stands there and let Sue do what she was rehearsed to do. Earlier in the day, the person standing in for Dave during rehearsal put up a bit of resistance to putting on the scarf. Dave, for the show, may have not received that memo. He wasn't playing along. Sue wraps the scarf around Dave. Dave reacts like any mannequin would. Says Sue: "Settle down." Dave mumbles something about an apology for being somewhat unsettled, much to the delight of Paul. Did Dave even ask for an opera scarf? Sue scolds, "Look, I don't keep track of everyone who calls me. I'm not a detective." As she exits, she adds, "And don't get it dirty. It's a rental."
Dave leaves the white scarf on throughout the monologue.
I "Played The Dave" and guessed he would mention something about being a rabbi or Chanukah since the white scarf looked very much like a Jewish tallis. BUZZ. I then "Played The Billy" and guessed that Billy Crystal would say something about Dave's tallis. We will have to wait and see how I did on that.
Kentucky U.S. Senator Rand Paul . . . or Paul Rand, I keep forgetting . . . .said that his wife will not allow him to run for President. We have a report on this. We take a look-see.
ANNOUNCE: "Senator Rand Paul's wife will not allow her husband to run for president. Isn't this the kind of bold leadership we need from Ted Cruz's wife . . . and Rick Perry's wife . . . . and Rick Santorum's wife . . . . and Paul Ryan's wife?
Senator Rand Paul's wife: gettin' it done."
Television's credo is if something works, keep doing it until the public cries "Uncle!" "The Sound of Music" brought in massive ratings for NBC so they now are going to do other shows on the NBC schedule as musicals. People love musicals, so why not give them what they want? We take a look at NBC's next venture into musicals.
ANNOUNCE: "This is the 'NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams.'"
We cut to Brian Williams at his news desk. He is dressed as one of the cats in "Cats" as he presents the evening's news.
I've never seen Cats, even though it's been around forever. But . . . . but I'm not sure how it makes any sense . . . a play about cats. First of all, how do they expect any of the actors to take direction?
It's Tuesday night, so you know what that means . . . . TWEETS! Dave reads from a small stack of tweets we received on our tweeter machine.
- Cory: "Calzone or pizza?" Dave muses over the question and answers: "Briefs." He then asks if we remember the brouhaha over President Clinton being asked if he wore boxers or briefs. Paul jumps in with this quip: "Somebody once asked me that question, 'Boxers or Briefs?' I said, 'Depends.'" Dave laughs and says he wants whoever is writing for Paul to write for him.
- Michigan Man: "How many hours do you come in before airtime?" Dave laughs at the thought of coming in hours early for the show. Why would anyone think that?
- Lisa: "What are the first words you hear when you wake up in the morning?
Dave: "See! He's not dead."
- Tom Harrington: "Dave, whatever happened to Brother Theodore?"
Ahh, yes, Brother Theodore, the illegitimate son of Albert Einstein. Really? Must be true. I heard it on TV. Dave says Brother Theodore was a frequent guest on the old show. He was 90 years old then, and is sure he's still doing fine.
- "What's up with Regis?"
Dave says Regis was a frequent guest on the old show. He was 90 years old then, and is sure he's still doing fine.
TOP TEN: QUESTIONS ABOUT SNOW SHOVELS - Lots of snow across the country; lots of snow shovels being purchased.
10. "How does it work?"
6. "If I like my snow shovel, can I keep my snow shovel?"
Billy enters and sits and says something about Dave wearing a tallis during the monologue. DING! I won at "Play The Bill!"
Dave mentions they did some carbon dating and Paul's "Depends" joke dates back to 1996.
Billy is back on Broadway performing his one-man "700 Sundays." It's a lot of work performing on Broadway, so much more so than movies. Make a movie, and then you're done. People can go night after night to watch your movie but you've already done the work. On a live stage, it's a new show every night.
Billy thanks Dave for attending a performance and asks what happened between Dave and Regis that night? Dave repeats the story of Regis exclaiming during the break, "I can't wait to see what happens in the 2nd half."
(To read the original telling of the tale, check out the Wahoo Archives for November 14, 2013.)
Regis didn't appreciate Dave's comments. According to Billy, Regis saw the altercation differently. Regis says Dave was mad because Kareem Abdul Jabbar was at the show and acknowledged Regis but didn't acknowledge Dave. Regis says Dave's feelings were hurt. Dave blurts, "That's such a lie!" Boy, oh boy, Dave and Regis will angry texting tonight!
"700 Sundays" - now playing at the Imperial Theatre through January 5th. If you can't get to the theater, look for it as upcoming HBO special.
And his book, the audio version of "Still Foolin' 'Em," has been nominated for a Grammy Award. What? You can do that? Hmmm, that's got me to thinking. Look for next year's run of Wahoos to come in audio form. I want me a Grammy!
Oh, and we learn that a James Earl Jones live stage performance is a lot like watching Gallagher.
ANNOUNCE: "Join Dave tomorrow as he welcomes Emma Thompson, Andy Cohen, Nick Lowe, and a special Top Ten list with Josh Groban. Here's what's driving me nuts. Should 'OCD' have periods after each letter, or not? Stay here."
Co-host of "The Talk." It's on here in New York at 2:00 PM, therefore I don't get the chance to watch the ladies do their talk. I figured "The Talk" to be one of your basic 'gang of gals' talk shows. But then I overheard some on the staff who watched "The Talk" last week during our break and said with wide-eyed surprise that the show is actually really good. I don't think I'm their target audience but I may have to give it a glance the next time I'm free at 2:00 in the afternoon. That is if Springer isn't on at the same time.
Julie and CBS big honcho Les Moonves are the mom and dad to a 4-year-old son. They told him they would be going to an event in Washington DC in the near future. Charlie was all excited, but doesn't quite have the concept of time just yet. Every morning Charlie would wake up and say, "Are we going to Washington DC today?" Each morning Julie had to give him the bad news, "No, not today." This went on for two weeks. And the morning before they were to go, Charlie threw a fit. He refused to get out of bed, refused to go to school refused to behave. For the first time, Julie lied to Charlie. She told him that Washington DC was closed. They couldn't go today. Les played along, but then swooped in like a hero. Les comforted Charlie by telling him he would call Washington DC later in the day and demand they be open tomorrow. Tada! All fixed. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how to be a CEO. Smart man.
On one of the big "The Talk" shows, the co-hosts had to reveal a "shocking" secret. Dave recalls that all of them admitted to sleeping with Jay Leno. Julie corrects Dave and says only Sharon Osbourne admitted to that. Julie's secret was she had her eyelid surgery when she was starting out in the business to make her appear less Chinese. It was suggested by her news director that it would enable her to advance in the business. This revelation has sparked much dialogue. If a news director made that suggestion today, one wonders how that would be received. He would quite possibly be fired, but . . . . was he right?
"The Talk" - 2PM Eastern, 1 PM Pacific. It's not quite "The Other Half," but it's doing great in the ratings!
Yes, that's right, I'm still making "The Other Half" references.
From her CD, "Til The Casket Drops," ZZ performed "365 Days." I liked it. I'll be giving her more of a listen.
And that was our show for Tuesday December 10, 2013.
TOP TEN: QUESTIONS ABOUT SNOW SHOVELS - Lots of snow across the country . . . . lots of snow shovels being purchased. I don't get that. Why? Do people throw out their old shovels once they used them? My snow shovel is about 10 years old. I haven't had to buy one in years. The only people who should be out buying a snow shovel are new home owners or those who are upgrading to an ergonomically-shaped shovel.
Idea! Find a beautifully decorated house for Christmas. Take your photo in front of it. Post it on Facebook and pretend it's your own.
My Top Ten pitches. If I have time, I'll offer some Top Tens just in case they are needed. The Top Ten is prepared before every show. Some items are accepted; some are chucked. More are then offered; some are taken but sometimes not enough. I'll then throw some in. Here were some of my offerings:
QUESTIONS ABOUT SNOW SHOVELS
- "How does it work?" DING - but I think everybody had this one. I learned later that this one was already on the list.
- "Where do you plug it in?"
- "Does it come in hi-def?"
- "Is it wifi compatible?"
- "What shovel would Jesus use?"
- "Is it gluten-free?"
- "Can Billy Crystal use it to kill his raccoon problem?"
- "Isn't that Governor Christie's ice cream spoon?"
Being negative is so much more fun that praising. That's why I hate it when weather forecasters are right. They predicted the snow would start falling in the New York area at around 7:00 AM Tuesday morning. At 7:10 I saw the first flake. The city, 20 miles south of me, I'm sure the snow had started falling at 7:10. Dang. The forecasters were right on the money. But where is the fun in that?
Rand Paul wants to be President but his wife says no . . . . along with 200 million other voters.
I'm doing all my shopping online. No more going into a jammed store to look for something they are out of. I find what I want in the catalog, then order it online. It's so much easier. I hope Denise likes Harriet Carter.
How long is it between the time you tweet something and the time you check to see if anybody retweeted?
This is Michael Z. McIntee: The "Who?" in Wahoo.
Michael Z. McIntee