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Thursday, December 12, 2013 Julia Roberts looking like the FTD float at the Rose Bowl Parade.
Show #3951
Julia Roberts, and Glen Hansard. PLUS:If They Had Rudolph's Nose; Maria from The Sound of Music Returns; Santa as a Canadian; Graham Fenwick-Jones; and a Top Ten List.

" . . . and now, king of the wild frontier . . . . . . . . David Letterman!!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "NBC is repeating their LIVE performance of 'The Sound of Music.' This will give me a chance to miss it a second time."

Time now for a new segment entitled, "If They Had Rudolph's Nose"
I wrote a skit a lifetime ago. It was my very first attempt at skit-writing. It was called "Rudolph At The Bar." One joke had red-nosed Speaker of the House Tip O'Neil entering and Rudolph thinking it was his father . . . or something like that.
ART CARD: IF THEY HAD RUDOLPH'S NOSE
We cut to President Ronald Reagan - 1987 - speaking at the Brandenburg Gate - "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"
Reagan has a shiny, red, blinking nose.
ART CARD: IF THEY HAD RUDOLPH'S NOSE

Enters the sweet "Sound of Music" lady we first met the other day.
Maria: "Hi, remember me? I said I'd be back. I have more.
She then sings to the tune of Do Re Mi
"Dave, looks like he's almost dead.
Paul, gave up ten years ago.
Me, I can't believe I said
I'd appear on this lame show."
Before exiting, she says she will come back when she has more.

Canada is making a territorial claim to the North Pole. This would make Santa Claus a Canadian. We take a look at what that may look like.
We see the drunken and crack-crazed Toronto Mayor Rob Ford in that familiar charge through the city council meeting and knocking over an unsuspecting. But now the chubby cherub in in a Santa hat and beard. "Ho Ho Ho and a bottle of rum!!"

ACT 2:
Christmas is a very important time of year for almost every sector of the economy. Here to tell us how things are shaping up whit season here in the States and worldwide if CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones.
Split screen of Dave and Graham.
DAVE: "Good evening, Graham. Thanks for joining us."
GRAHAM: (hesitates due to the satellite delay): "Good evening, Dave."
DAVE: "Christmas is about two weeks away. How is the shopping-season looking?"
GRAHAM: "Dave, retailers say it's shaping up to be a cracking season. Every shop is full of pikeys and punters going off their onions to get their manky mitts on every poxy piece of plastic rubbish for their dustbin lids to open their mince pies and Christmas porridge."
DAVE: "What about the sluggish economy. . . . how is it affecting the holiday season?"
GRAHAM: "Everybody's minding their shillings and pence, that's a doddle. More people are celebrating quietly at home, loading up on sherry and suet for a squiffy Christmas pudding, and getting blinking bladdered on wobbly pop while waiting for Father Christmas to fly in with odds and sods for the sprogs and nippers."
DAVE: "And are the stores there in Great Britain as packed as they are here?"
GRAHAM: "They probably are, but I haven't a baldy. I went around the shops to have a butchers, but I got distracted by a bit of spare at the perfume counter. She asked me to take her to the trouser department, where I gave her a right royal seeing to between the undercrackers and the whistles-and-flutes."
DAVE: "That's very insightful, Graham. Do you have any plans for Christmas?"
GRAHAM: "I'm of the Jewish faith, you tossing twonk."
DAVE: "I see. Well, happy holidays. Graham Fenwick-Jones, everybody."

At least that's how it was supposed to go. Dave tends to meander here and there off the script but always comes back to the written cue for Graham. I tried to follow along with Graham but it seems he went askew at times. Not sure if it was a last second change from us or a change he did on the spur.

TOP TEN: LIES OF THE YEAR --- Politi-Fact, a fact-checking website, has formed a list of the biggest whoppers of the year.
10. "Please to have you back, Mr. Trump."
9. "I'm a Congressman. Of course I've read the Constitution."
8. "Vladimir, people love it when you take your shirt off." (cue the shirtless Vlad montage)
7. 'Larry King looks great for 80."
6. "You wanna to go New York? I may propose." This had to do with a couple with whom Dave spoke during the pre-show Q&A. Whenever we incorporate a pre-show conversation reference into the Top Ten, we tend to put it at #6.
5. "Healthcare.gov is up and running."
4. "I'm a proud Knicks fan.
3. "Yes, I'm a trained sign-language interpreter."
2. "Welcome to the Late Show, finest show ever."
1. "If you like your crack-smoking mayor, you can keep your crack-smoking mayor."

ACT 3:
JULIA ROBERTS
The lovely Academy Award winner!
Julia is the mom of three; 9-year-old twins and a 6-year-old. Having children reminds you of how great Christmas can be. You get excited for them and you want to create memories.
Having kids also reminds you of the tedium of homework. Homework today is so much harder than when we were kids. Back then, all I had to contend with was music from the radio. Now kids do their homework in front of the TV while texting and facebooking and tweeting and listening to their iPad music thing. It's very hard.

Birthday talk comes up and Dave remembers that Julia's birthday is in October. DING! Julia shares that Dave always remembers her birthday and for the past 15 years he never once forgot to send her flowers . . . . until this year. Oops. Dave realized this so he had flowers at the ready. Dave calls for the flowers and Pat Farmer enters with a beautiful dozen roses. May have been two dozen. And just to make up for the missing birthday flowers, Dave later calls in for more. Stagehands enter with another 4 or 5 bouquets. Dave says she now looks like the FTD Float at the Rose Bowl Parade.
Julia's new film is entitled, "August: Osage County" where she works with the great Meryl Streep. In one scene, Julia has to wrestle a vial of pills from Ms. Streep. Julia quickly learned that the dame is one strong woman! She had to "coach" Meryl to maybe loosen the grip a bit and simply let it go. You know, like pretend.

We take a look at a clip from "August: Osage County." The clip shows Julia angrily tossing about a slew of "givl" and "givl"ing and mother-'givl'ing around the dining table. Julia, like you've never seen her!

"August: Osage County" - opens in select cities on Christmas Day.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Stop by tomorrow to catch Dave with Regis Philbin, comedian John Witherspoon, and Seasick Steve. Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Glen Hansard Live on Letterman! Glen's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand!
There, now we're even."

ACT 7:
GLEN HANSARD
From his new EP, "Drive All Night," Glen Hansard acapella'd "Step Out Of The Shadows."

And that was our show for Thursday December 12, 2013.

PART 2:
So I stayed at the office till 9:30 Wednesday night. There was emergency repairs being done on the George Washington Bridge 125 blocks to the north and it affected the whole city. Midtown traffic was at a standstill. After my futile attempt to make my way home after the show, I decided to come back to work and wait it out.
I got back in my car at 9:30. The George was still a mess so I decided to head south to the Lincoln Tunnel at 38th-ish Street. Traffic to that was still a slow-go since all the George W. traffic was now going this way. The Lincoln was better but not too much better. I made my was through the tunnel and then north on the Jersey side. Taking the Turnpike, I wanted the local because that is always better than the express. But sure enough, the local was closed for repairs that weren't being made. This resulted in lots of congestion to the Palisades Parkway for those who rerouted their way home. The only thing that kept me cool was knowing there was a beer waiting for me at home. I'm lucky my girls are still too young to help themselves to my stash. And I now realize how it must have angered my father when he expected to find cold beverages in the fridge after work and discovering only one remaining on the ring.
Many years back, my two older brothers and I eventually felt comfortable in helping ourselves to a beer in the house. We were not quite yet comfortable in spending our own money for it, though. My dad's beer of choice at the time was Budweiser. Lucky for us, it was our beer of choice, too. Well, we hit the freebie beer once too often. Dad had enough of coming home to an empty fridge. We went back to his youth and started buying Ballentine Ale. This was a bit too bitter for our young tastes. We still helped ourselves to it, but there was always enough left waiting for dad when he got home.

Jump ahead a bunch of years. I'm at work during one of our working-dark weeks where we have to come in for the week even though we have no shows. By Thursday I have caught up on all the work that needs to be caught up on. I decide to go out to lunch. I check the computer to find a local gin mill that serves sandwiches even though I know I won't be getting any sandwich. I opt on The Old Town Bar on 18th Street. I later find out that this is the bar the Late Night camera would fly through during the open. How about that? Anyhow, I cop a squat at the bar and order an uninspired Bud. The barkeep opens the fridge door by his knee and reaches in for a bottle of the Bud. And what to my wondering eyes should appear but a stash of Ballentine Ale in a bottle. I quickly ask the barkeep to pony up a Ballentine. Ahh, Ballentine Ale in a bottle. Such memories, and dang it, it tasted just fine. Who knew you could still find Ballentine in a bottle served at a bar!?
And now to this day, I love walking into the Old Town Bar once a year or so, taking a place at the bar, and muttering "Ballentine," as if it is the most natural thing in the world.
Hey, it's what makes me happy.

I'm listening to the weather guy on the radio this morning. He exclaims that it hasn't been this cold since January. SINCE JANUARY! You mean, like, since the winter? In other news, the Yankees haven't hit a home run since September.

Imagine if Jesus came back to earth on Christmas morning and saw that all those presents weren't for him. How mad would he be?

This is Michael Z. McIntee: The "Who?" in Wahoo.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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