Regis Philbin, John Witherspoon, and Seasick Steve.
PLUS: If They Had Rudolph's Nose; Pat Farmer Is Cold; Jesus in His 20s; the Hobbit Sequels; CBS Counter-Programming; and a Top Ten List.
" . . . and now, in splendid isolation . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
- "'The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug' opens this weekend. I believe it's the fourth film in the trilogy."
Time once again for "If They Had Rudolph's Nose."
ART CARD: IF THEY HAD RUDOLPH'S NOSE
We cut to Joe Theismann. Laments Joe, "My prostate is giving me fits!"
Joe Theismann has a shiny, red, blinking nose.
ART CARD: IF THEY HAD RUDOLPH'S NOSE
Hey, it's Pat Farmer! We find Pat in a big thick winter coat standing alongside Dave.
DAVE: "It's our stagehand Pat Farmer. What is it, Pat?"
PAT: "Dave, I was just outside and it is really really cold."
DAVE: "Yes, it is."
PAT: "Feel my cheeks."
DAVE: (hesitating) "I don't really think so."
PAT: "No really, come on. Feel my cheeks."
DAVE: "No, it's fine."
PAT: "C'mon. My cheeks. Feel them."
Dave finally agrees to feel Pat's cheeks.
DAVE: "Actually, they're not that cold."
PAT (hesitates, then mutters) "It was a joke, dumbass."
The History Channel . . . you know, the channel with shows about pawn shops and the Bible . . . . the History Channel is making a show about Jesus in his twenties. Not much is known about Jesus during this stage of his life. We take a look at some footage of the young Jesus show.
We see "Jesus" with a "Friends"-like opening and the familiar theme. We see a fun Jesus mingling among the minions. Starring Jesus, Mary Magdalene, with special guest God. And Matt LeBlanc as Judas.
Executive producers Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and Chuck Lorrie.
Growing up, the friends in my neighborhood were Matt, Marc, and John. I always thought how cool it would have been if I was named Luke. Gospel truth.
The second Hobbit movie is now open. Director Peter Jackson has done a tremendous job stretching this classic story over multiple films. We take a look.
Lots of footage from "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug."
ANNOUNCE: "This Friday, return to middle Earth with Bilbo, Gandalf, and the dwarves of Erebor in 'The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.' But this is only the beginning of their epic quest to reclaim Dwarf Kingdom. And then, the journey continues with the upcoming films:
'The Hobbit: The Exfoliation of Florp'
'The Hobbit: Salivation of Greep'
'The Hobbit: The Coagulation of Vlump'
'The Hobbit: The Urination of Screlt,'
'The Hobbit: The Lubrication of Blunk.'
NBC's live production of "The Sound of Music" was such a ratings blockbuster, they're going to rerun it this Saturday. But NBC is going to have some pretty stiff competition. You don't think CBS is going to sit idly by while NBC reaps, to you? CBS has counter-programmed against the big "Sound of Music" repeat event. We watch the promo.
ANNOUNCE: "Saturday on NBC: 'The Sound of Music.'
Saturday on CBS: 'The Sound of Mucus.'"
We cut to a clip of Dave hacking and phlegming and coughing up mucus at the desk.
ANNOUNCE: "Set your DVRs, America!"
During the day, I was asked, "Mike, do you have any shows where Dave is hacking and coughing? I went to my Odd Dave file and came up with a few. The one I believe we went with was from August 06, 2008; Show #2968. The Wahoo reported it this way:
"At the desk, an 'Odd Dave' moment as he recreates a day in Beijing. Lots of coughing and hacking."
Dave reads the Top Ten information blue card before revealing tonight's Top Ten topic.
1960 - Chatty Cathy doll
1983 - Cabbage Patch Kids
1995 - Teddy Ruxpin
1996 - Tickle Me Elmo
If you guessed must-have toys for the holidays . . . DING!
TOP TEN: HOTTEST TOYS FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON
10. Face Lift Barbie
9. Lingering Hug Elmo
8. Dr. Conrad Murray's 'Operation'
7. Arby's Dream House
5. Remote Controlled Remote Control
4. Scurby: The Furby with Scurvy
3. Inflatable Matt Lauer Prostate
2. My Little Phony Interpreter
1. Toronto Crack Mayor Santa
Hey, parents . . . . looking for the perfect gift for your family?
Ages 1 and 2 - no gifts, just the wrapping paper you put on the gifts.
Ages 3-6 - no wrapping paper, just the boxes that come with the gifts to make forts.
Ages 7-9, and ages 25-75: no wrapping paper, no boxes, just the bubble wrap that comes with wrapped, boxed gifts.
Regis is upset that Dave doesn't call him anymore. Ever since Regis was fired from the "Live!" show, Dave doesn't call. But seriously, why should Dave? Where's the cross-promotion? Anyway, Regis is here to give his side of the story of the recent dust-up Dave and Regis had at Billy Crystal's "700 Sundays." Regis gets right into it. Dave plays the master role of politely interrupting Regis time and again to prevent him from getting any momentum to his telling his story. Loved it! And Dave loved to watch Regis' frustration grow.
Jiminy, watching Regis telling the story shows how much he needs his talk show back. He needs some "morning chat" time on the tube! During the story, Dave checks his watch and then later says he got a phone call and leaves the desk. Regis sees the opportunity. Regis jumps up and continues with the story from Dave's chair.
A few sentences more, Regis receives a commercial cue from the stage manager. Regis takes the cue and throws to commercial. This is one of the very few times a commercial cue was acknowledged from that chair.
Back from commercial, Regis finishes his story. Dave apologizes, or more like "explains" why he behaved the way he did. Dave says he has a "social anxiety disorder."
Not surprisingly, nobody really argues with that.
For embarrassment sake, Dave shows a clip of Regis singing "Ain't No Sunshine" with Orlando Magic shooting guard Victor Oladipo.
You want more Regis?
Look for him and Joy at Harrah's in Atlantic City on New Year's Eve, and Regis will be hosting a CBS Christmas special, "A New York Christmas To Remember at St.
Paul the Apostle" at 11:35 PM on Tuesday, Christmas Eve. That's the Late Show slot!
And if there is even more Regis you want, keep your eyes open for "Even Grumpier Old Men" starring Regis and Dave in the Matthau/Lemmon roles. I'm still pitching that idea.
"We're back on Monday with Dave and his guests Will Ferrell, Chris Cornell featuring Joy Williams, and a special Top Ten list with the 2013 Heisman Trophy winner! Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Glen Hansard Live on Letterman! Glen's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand!
If I had to describe it in one word, it would be 'tremendously entertaining.'"
Dave's old pal, now starring in the comedy series, "The First Family" on the Centric channel. Spoon is looking good as he tries to keep clear of any stress. He lives by 3 basic rules:
1. He doesn't pick up anyone at the airport.
2. He doesn't help anyone move. If you rent a Penske truck, hire some Penske people to help you move.
3. He won't massage the feet of any woman over 45 years old.
John likes to keep busy. In addition to "The First Family," John is out on the road most weeks of the year. He recently had to exit a hotel because of a fire alarm. Unfortunately, he was on the 28th floor and the elevators are out of service during a fire alarm. The line of people on the stairwell were held up by a slow-moving elderly woman who had a hip replacement in 1978 that had just lost a screw. John demonstrates the gait of the game gal. She was slower than Robinson Cano running to first base.
John is very proud of his bright red plaid shoes. Only John could get away wearing shoes like that. And I think that'll prove true because he gives a pair to Dave. Doubt if we'll ever see them again.
Making his network television debut with us tonight, the blues musician performed a very enjoyable "Cut My Wings" from his album, "Dog House Music." His new album is entitled. "Hubcap Music."
And that was our show for Friday December 13, 2013.
I did a quick look-up about Seasick Steve before the show. I always wonder what Dave will be wondering in the dressing room before the show. I imagined tonight's wondering will be about Seasick Steve's nickname. He was born Steve Gene Wold. He got the name "Seasick" because he gets sick a lot when on a boat. Nothing more than that.
John Witherspoon's shoes reminded me of something. I had bright red plaid pants just like Witherspoon's shoes back in the day. Yeah . . . late 70s or so. It was a dreadful era. On Christmas, everyone would cram into this one bar to meet and greet friends who are home from college and such. A place called Perruna's in Spring Valley, New York. (Actually, there's a Perruna's Christmas Eve reunion Saturday night in New City. I may attend, but that's a story for another day.) Anyway, back to my bright red Scottish plaid pants. Even though they may have been in the style of the day, I knew better than to wear the pants. I wasn't going to wear them to Perruna's . . . but then, it WAS Christmas Eve. Still, they were too red, too loud, and too plaid. No thanks to the pants. But then I realized I had a shirt in the closet with the same exact red plaid pattern. Whoa! Now I was on to something. I rummaged through my dad's closet and found his white 'on vacation' belt. Oh, baby! So I got on my red Scottish plaid pants, my white belt, my red Scottish plaid shirt, and my platform shoes. Yeah, it was quite a sight. And away I went to Perruna's. It was so crowded that nobody could see the full figure. Not until I walked away from a group could they get the whole picture. Got some big big laughs behind my back. And that's what my life is all about . . . give 'em some stories. Give 'em some stories. I figure whoever dies with the best stories, wins.
Best Christmas outfit ever. I retired the entire set after that. Could never improve on it.
Movie idea. I read on the Drudge or the AOL that there is a new drug in the works that will cease the aging process. And this drug will actually work. Sounds great, except people have to die to make room for the new people. And people have to retire to make room for the new people looking for work. It's one of the rules of life . . . . Death. You have to get out of the way eventually. Nobody wants to have to "make room" but you gotta. But . . . baby boomers were raised expecting to get whatever they want. They . . . we . . . . are the most important people ever to walk the earth. Dying is for other people. So now comes along a new drug that will prevent people from aging out. But it's an impossible reality for everyone to live forever. And that's the movie idea. The drug is extremely expensive. Only the rich and influential can afford it. But everyone wants it. It's a matter of life and death. What will people do to get it? And if you think Black Friday shopping is crazy, that is nothing compared to wanting the anti-aging drug. Plus, you can add explosions and sex scenes.
Starring George Clooney.
When it is Friday and you don't know who the New York Giants are playing on Sunday, you know the Giants are out of it.
This is Michael Z. McIntee: The "Who?" in Wahoo.
Michael Z. McIntee