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Tuesday, December 17, 2013 Santa wrestles a reindeer in a live shot from the North Pole.
Show #3954

Paul Rudd, Cristin Milioti, Alt-J, and a Top Ten List with Barbara Walters.
PLUS: Eli's Sunday; the Egg Nog Council; What's Santa Up To; Tony Busy Reading During the Show.

" . . . and now, with hands registered as lethal weapons . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Megyn Kelly on Fox News says that Santa Claus is an older, overweight white man. Isn't that your average Fox News viewer?"
- "Megyn has stepped back a bit from her comment about Santa and being white, claiming it was just supposed to be a joke. Not as easy as it looks, is it Megyn?"
- "The Mega-Million lottery is up to $600 million. If you buy a ticket . . . and if you don't buy a ticket . . . . your chances are just about the same."

The Mega-Million lottery is up to $600 million. Speaker John Boehner reacts: "Are you kidding me?!"

Oh, boy, my Eli Manning has had a very tough year, right from his first pass against the Cowboys in Game 1. Five interceptions this Sunday against the Seahawks. We take a look at one of his throws from this past Sunday.
We cut to Bob Schieffer of "Face the Nation." A football bonks off his head.

It's Christmas season and this announcement was offered by the National Egg Nog Council:
ANNOUNCE: "The National Egg Nog Council would like to remind Americans that egg nog was never intended for human consumption. Egg nog's proper use when dried and hardened . . . . insulating homes.
A message from the National Egg Nog Council."

Wonder what Santa is up to? You figure he's up at the North Pole preparing for his big night. We take a look.
We find Santa wrestling with one of his reindeer. Reports are the reindeer wanted to lead.
I can't begin to imagine what it cost us to have a camera up at the North Pole.

ACT 2:
Dave tries to start the segment but is bothered by an inattentive Tony Cue Cards Mendez. What is he doing?
DAVE: "Tony, what... what are you doing?"
TONY: "Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Letterman. I just can't put down this hilarious book by Bruce McCall and yourself, 'This Land Is Made for You and Me But Mostly Me.' You know, this beautiful and tremendously-funny book would make a great gift for the holidays. I'm going to buy it for everyone I know!"
DAVE thanks Tony for the plug, but follows with a request that Tony take that up and do his reading on his own time. Tony quickly turns angry; his feeling hurt. He begins his Spanish rant, exiting like a petulant child, throwing his cue cards as he goes. What did he say in his native tongue? Not sure, but we did have to bleep out "merde".
I thought that was French.

TOP TEN: QUESTIONS NEVER BEFORE ASKED BY BARBARA WALTERS
Hard to believe that in all this time through her extensive career covering decades that there have been questions never before asked by Barbara Walters.
QUESTIONS NEVER BEFORE ASKED BY BARBARA WALTERS
10. "Can I call you Pope Frank?"
9. "Do you really not want me to sing?"
8. "Anyone got a job for me?"
7. "Is there a place for me on 'Duck Dynasty'?"
6. "What does Miley Cyrus have that I don't have?"
5. "Is this your first time at Denny's?"
4. "Wanna spend New Year's Eve on my couch?"
3. "Why am I here."
2. "Can I go now?"
1. "Just who is David Letterman?"

Her ABC special, "Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of the Year" can be seen Wednesday night at 9:30 PM till 11:00.

ACT 3:
While saying goodbye to Barbara, Dave begged to learn who is the #1 most fascinating person for 2013. Answer: Pat Sajack.
Boehner blurts, "Are you kidding me?!"

PAUL RUDD
Paul is in the silly but blockbustering "Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues" starring Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy. It takes place in New York City, but much of it was shot in Atlanta. Shooting a movie is always a big exciting event for the host city, but it grows old quick. The traffic tie-ups are a snarl for everyone. In one scene, Paul Rudd takes part in a big fist fight in a park. Coincidentally, a big fight broke out just outside the filming. Outside the barriers a big fight was taking place. People being people, many on the crew took a run over to watch so they could all exclaim how awful it is when people fight. It's even worse when people get in your way so you can't see the fight. Anyway, Paul went running to the fight, too. Unfortunately, Paul had completely forgotten that he was carrying a .357 magnum as a prop for the movie. It's not a good idea to be running among a brawl in the park waving around a .357 magnum. Police and caretakers quickly intercepted the curious celebrity.
Paul lives here in New York City, but also has a get-away in upstate New York. It's great to be among the trees and the green and the wildlife . . . except for the wildlife. It seems the place is being overrun with mice and squirrels and such. One visit resulted in the discovery of a squirrel that had made itself at home. Everything in the house was gnawed and chomped and chewed. But . . . . where was it now? It was never found. "And then about a year later . . . ." Ouch! Paul had friends over for a Super Bowl party or something and his pal Moose went upstairs and took a lie-down on a sofa. Half awake, half asleep, his pal rummaged through the sofa cushions for loose change or a lost remote. Instead, he found a long dead squirrel. The sofa was sawed in half and thrown out.
I hate throwing anything out, but I think I agree with Paul's decision.

"Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues" - opens Wednesday.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Get back here tomorrow! Dave's got Ben Stiller, New Holiday Toys with Shannon Eis, and Brett Dennen. I hate how they've over-commercialized the winter solstice."

ACT 6:
CRISTIN MILIOTI
She's the mom on "How I Met Your Mother." Cristin admits to not ever watching "How I Met Your Mother" since she is a busy Broadway theater performer and who was here before with the cast of "Once." She had no idea how big a deal it was that the mother was to be revealed. Not till after she shot her first four episodes did she go back and watch the entire series. She's now admits to being a bit relieved not to have known how big it was.
Cristin is also in the new "The Wolf of Wall Street" movie starring Leonardo Dicaprio. To get the part, she had to go on a "chemistry test" to see how she and Leo would mingle and get along. They were put together in a breakfast table scene. Leo reaches over and puts his hand behind her neck. Cristin took this as a kissing scene. She slowly leaned over and puckered ever so slightly. But Leo simply kept reading his newspaper while she split her coffee all over the table. He had no plans for a kiss. Yes, it was a bit awkward. But she got the part. She admits that for weeks she felt like an impostor on the set, not knowing quite why she was selected. Every day she expected the tap on the shoulder, the "thank you for coming but we're going in another direction" tap on the shoulder. Cristin fooled them long enough to complete the film.
"How I Met Your Mother" - Monday nights at 8:00 on CBS.
"The Wolf of Wall Street" - opens Christmas Day. My daughter wants to go on opening night, but I don't think I'll let her. If I have to suffer with the relatives, so does she.

ACT 7:
ALT-J - From their album "An Awesome Wave," Alt-J performed "Fitzpleasure."

And that was our show for Tuesday December 17, 2013.

Tonight's Top Ten info card. I had the intro, which is supplied, then I add the reason for the topic. I included a blue sheet with Barbara Walter's 10 most fascinating people. On the blue card, I included: "Dave Letterman was on the list in 1993. Barbara Walters has not found him fascinating since." Before handing it in, I decided to drop the Barbara Walters line about her not finding Dave fascinating since '93. I just left the fact that Dave was on the list in 1993. I hoped that would have been enough for Dave to make the joke himself. And there was a bit of that in the back and forth between Dave and Barbara before the Top Ten. DING!

We are expected to outgrow playing with doll houses. I think everyone can agree with that. But you ever watch people and their Dickens Villages during the holidays? Yikes.
Nothing can be too elaborate. Always looking for the next piece, the next house, the next Christmas caroler. It's a doll house for adults.
And while we're at it, who doesn't want to add more to their nativity scene?

Santa white? Yes.
Jesus white? Not so sure

Teachers who complain about having to grade papers at home . . . isn't that like the homework they assign to their students? My daughter mentioned that to me when she was in the 6th grade. Made sense. Hard to argue that.

I'm watching the Dallas Cowboys/Chicago Bears game last week. Temperatures are about zero. Ice cold freezing cold. And there on the Dallas sideline is a bald guy without a hat. You can't go outside in the cold without a hat! It's stupid! What could that coach have been thinking? I mean, he can't even say he's afraid of getting hat-hair because he didn't have any. He was completely bald. It's a week later and I'm still angry over it. I don't know why it bothers me but it does. I don't like stupid. And I want an explanation. How could you not wear a hat in zero degree weather?

Hoping for this joke later this week:
"You like celebrity birthdays? Celebrity Birthday next week. Jesus."

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Rosie O’Donnell
Jeff Altman

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Wednesday, December 17
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Tuesday, December 16
Dave presents a furry gift to Charli XCX.
Monday, December 15
Emma Stone and Dave go nuts with the selfies.
Saturday, December 13
Jamie Foxx and Dave partying together? That'd be dope.
Thursday, December 11
Meryl & Susan tout their Academy of Dramatic Arts.