Ben Stiller, New Holiday Toys with Shannon Eis, and Brett Dennen.
PLUS: Santa at the North Pole; the new Gilligan's Island movie; Boehner reacts; the Most Fascinating Person of the Year; the White House Gingerbread House; a last-second Christmas gift idea, Rudolph's nose; and a new member of the Late Show family.
" . . . and now, Vice Chair of the Fed . . . . . . . . David Letterman!
-"Tomorrow is our Late Show Christmas Party. I'll be played by my stunt double."
What better time than now to check in on Santa up at the North Pole. This is his very busy time of year and it would be interesting to see what he's up to. We take a look.
We see the Santa being rassled to the mat by one of those professional wrestlers. Guy's got St. Nick in a headlock. May even be choking Santa . . . and that's not allowed! Where is the ref?
Oh, thank goodness. They are going to make a movie about Gilligan's Island. Playing the part of Gilligan will be Meryl Streep. To which Speaker John Boehner exclaims, "Are you kidding me?!" We replay that clip a number of times throughout the monologue. What number, I'm not sure, but it approached ten. How close it approached ten, I'm not sure of that either.
Barbara Walters had her Most Fascinating People of the Year show earlier tonight. On the list is Kim Kardashian. I don't find Kim Kardashian fascinating in the least. Who I do find fascinating are the people who find Kim Kardashian fascinating. Barbara Walters should interview THEM!
Who was atop Barbara's list as the Most Fascinating Person of 2013? This guy. We cut to a clip of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford dancing it up at a city council meeting. And I loved how other city council members were dancing right along with him. Ever hear the saying, "Dance as if no one is watching?" Well, it certainly doesn't hold here. EVERYONE is watching EVERYTHING Mayor Ford is doing these days.
The White House in gingerbread? Yup, it's a yearly tradition. We take a look at this CNN report on this year's making of the White House Gingerbread House.
ANNOUNCE: "Every year, the president's staff gathers to build a gingerbread White House, and once again they've lovingly recreated every detail in miniature . . . . . candy versions of the president's dogs, cake-frosting trees on the lawn, and if you look in the window, you'll see a marzipan version of President Obama firing the guy who designed the Obamacare web site.
Pamela Brown, CNN, Washington."
And now, once again, "If They Had Rudolph's Nose." So far, we've seen President Reagan with Rudolph's nose; Joe Theismann with Rudolph's nose, and now . . . . We see an African official speaking about something. Seated behind a desk, he makes his point, though I barely was listening. He has a Rudolph nose. And then . . . uh oh . . . . the nose blinks and the chair collapses. One second the official is looking very official, then suddenly the chair gives way.
A big congratulations to a Late Show staff member! Segment Producer Sarah Billington Connell and her husband Dan are the proud parents to a brand new baby boy!
William Francis Connell – born Tuesday December 17, 2013.
Congratulations, Sarah and Dan, and welcome William.
Looking for a last-second Christmas gift to purchase? I'm easy. I ask for the same thing every year: sock and underwear. I started that 20 years ago, but now . . . . yeah, that's all I ever really want. And if you have boys in college, they would love socks and underwear, because when clean ones run out for the second time around, that's when they know they have to do the laundry. More socks and underwear, less having to do the laundry. OK, where was I?
Oh, Christmas gifts. Look for Bruce McCall's hilarious book, "This Land Is Made for You and Me, But Mostly Me,' co-authored by Dave Letterman and JK Rowling. Dave shows off some of the book. There is one illustration he wants to share but can't seem to find it. Paul covers the search with some music. I "Played The Dave," as I'm pretty sure many of you did, and said, "This is the only thing on CBS right now." BUZZ!
NEW HOLIDAY TOYS – with Shannon Eis.
What's the hot new toys this year? We take a look.
1. Doodle Track Car – draw a line and the car follows it. That's . . . darn interesting. But, oh boy, I can just see lines being drawn all over the new carpet. Goes for $22. But a very interesting toy.
2. Barbie Digital Makeover – Use it with your iPad to create your own make-up parlor. The thing takes an image of your face and then you can add stuff to make your face look clown like . . . or like Joan Rivers, take your pick! Goes for $80. You supply the iPad.
3. JetShot Blaster. Back in my day, this was called a Stomp Rocket. Best gift I ever got my girls. No batteries needed. Slam your foot down on the launcher and the rocket flies sky high. This one looks a bit safer than the ones my girls had. This goes for about $20. If you can find the more dangerous one with the rocket without wings, get it. This toy puts childhood obesity to good use.
4. The Dirt Quad – an electric ATV. Dave hopes aboard and gives it a ride around and around the stage. While whirling about, Dave has the stagehands set up a wall of presents by the Christmas tree. Dave then drives head on into the wall. Luckily, he was wearing a helmet. The Dirt Quad goes for $470. My first car, a 1970 Chevy Impala with four spare tires in the trunk, cost me $300.
5. Backyard Zipline – we've strung a line from the band area to the spiral staircase. Dave straddles the disk-like seat and "flies" down the zipline right into the Christmas tree, knocking it over. Hey, it's tradition. So, if you have a band area and a spiral staircase in your home, this is the perfect gift.
And that are just some of this year's hot new holiday toys. Get shopping!
Ben directed and stars in the new film, "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty." He's been touring the world promoting it. When in Russia, it was suggested he go to a certain restaurant, the Bolshoi, and to a Russian bath house. He ended up only taking in the bath house. It's something I always wanted to do. They have them down in the Village. My friend went with a bunch of friends and he said it was quite an experience, a great way to relax, and the perfect activity to delay the day of drink that lie ahead. Ben's visit to the bath house in Russia included being whacked with birch leaves. He said he was a bit surprised by this, so I suspect this wasn't mentioned in the brochure.
Much of "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" was filmed in Iceland. A few years back I had Iceland on my list as the new hipster place to visit. But then the economy went bad and hit Iceland hard. But it's creeping back. Still a place I want to put my feet for a few days. It's a quick flight from New York. Very doable.
"The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" – it opens Christmas Day. Go see it right after your Chinese food.
Tonight's installment of the "Backstage Photo Club": director Jerry Foley and . . . . was that Shecky?
ANNOUNCE: "Check us out again tomorrow for Dave and his guests Steve Carell, and The Saint James. Call me, Ishmael."
From his current CD, "Smoke and Mirrors," Brett performed "When We Were Young."
And that was our show for Wednesday, December 18, 2013.
Today's toys . . . I don't know. It seems like today's toys are made to see what you can make them do. Back in my day when TV was in black and white, toys were made to see what it could make KIDS do. I think you can write a whole column on that premise. I'll leave that for someone who is better at pretending to know what they're talking about than me.
Mayor Rob Ford dancing like that. What a nut. He acting like he just caught a pass for a first down.
Advice to the MegaMillions lottery winners: Do Nothing! Wait a year. Watch what the other winner does and learn from his mistakes. But, man, winning the MegaMillion . . . . . . imagine all the mistakes you can make and still be rich.
There is one in every neighborhood . . . the guy who needs to justify his purchase of a $2,500 snowplow by using it after every snowfall even if it's just a dusting. And then he also has to justify the $150 full-body thermal snowsuit when it's 30 degrees. And to make sure you see him in his coveralls and on his snowplow, he's out there at 8:00 in the morning with the engine roaring to wake the neighbors.
Kim Kardashian is one of Barbara Walters' most fascinating people. I'm more fascinated in those who find Kim Kardashian fascinating.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
All the way from Australia, it's Kath Creel
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee