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Saturday, December 21, 2013 Paul Rudd pretends to really love relish.
Show #3959
John McEnroe, Kristen Wiig, and Darlene Love.
PLUS: Fox News; where to get a Santa Suit; free books; the Late Show Christmas Party; a Top Ten List; and Celebrities Pretend To Like Gifts They Hate.

" . . . and now, in his finest gay apparel . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:

-"We decorated the tree at the house last night. I said, ‘It needs a new star.' My son said, ‘Just like your show.'"
-"On Christmas at the Chris Christie house, instead of tinsel the Governor tosses spaghetti on this tree. " Doubt it? You're not the only one.
Speaker of the House John Boehner exclaimed in disbelief, "Are you kidding me?!"

It seems they made a few tweaks to the classic "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" special. We take a look.
We see Megyn Kelly insisting Santa is white. We cut to a reverse angle of Santa and Rudolph watching Megyn and Fox News. Santa, black, turns to Rudolph. They give each other a knowing look.

Dave is interrupted by this promo.
ANNOUNCE: "It's not too late to buy your Santa suit for Christmas!
ANNOUNCE: "The Holiday Costume Emporium has the largest selection of Santa costumes in the tri-state area."
ANNOUNCE: "We have: (Each "costume" is keyed in over Dave, as if Dave is wearing each costume) Traditional Santa, Sexy Santa, Creepy German Santa, Gay Santa, Half Crab/Half Santa/Hybrid Santa Claws, and Giant Santa Beard."
ANNOUNCE: "The Holiday Costume Emporium, tell ‘em Dave sent you!"

ACT 2:
Audience members, it's your lucky day! Everyone in tonight's audience will be going home with the new book by Bruce McCall, Dave, and JK Rowlling, "This Land Was Made For You And Me, But Mostly Me," compliments of the Late Show. The reaction from the audience was not quite that of Oprah's when she gave away all those cars, but our audience did seem to appreciate the gesture.

Earlier today was the Late Show Holiday party. We have footage of some of the highlights. We take a look.
-Sue, Shecky, Biff, and Todd
-Dave's son was there, dressed as the little drummer boy. Oh, how . . . cute.
No, no one was bothered by all that drumming.
-Dave's dog, Sully, dressed as a reindeer.
-Dave made an appearance, via satellite.
-Pat Farmer was there, with his lovely wife Patty. (Pat in a wig and dress)
-We ran out of drinking glasses, so we had the interns use their hands for the egg nog.
-Staffers had a lot of fun on the Late Show pommel horse.
-We invited carolers, but we needed room so we kept them in the supply closet.
-Writer Steve Young sang a festive holiday song.
-One of our Jewish writers, Joe Grossman, volunteered to play Jesus. (we see Joe dressed as we believe Jesus would be dressed.
-But then the real Jesus made a surprise appearance (Jesus appears)
-We didn't need Jesus Joe anymore
-One of our stagehands, Tommy O'Brien, had a bit too much to drink and ended up in a fight with the ham.
-And no holiday party would be complete without a visit from Toronto crack-smoking mayor, Rob Ford.

And that was the Late Show Christmas Party.

9. "We didn't have to, but we shaved you."
8. "The waiter's in the kitchen giving the Maid of Honor a sausage slam."
6. "Help me, Canadian Jesus!"
5. "This time you be the Kaiser."
2. "Teeth out is another twenty."
1. "You try and keep track of every needle that goes in your ass."

ACT 3:

You know how you will sometimes hear an announcement before a Broadway show that a performer you were expecting to see would not be appearing and an understudy would fill in. That's sort of what we have tonight. Filling in for Jay Thomas is John McEnroe. Dave thanks John for stepping up to the plate in this near-impossible task. Dave gets him right to it.
John tells the Jay Thomas/Lone Ranger story as if he were Jay Thomas. Included in the tale is his buddy Michael Martin. Jay and Michael are in Charlotte, North Carolina to take part in an opening of a car dealership. Mike looks like a cross between a Bay City Roller and the lead singer from Metallica. Also at the opening in the Lone Ranger . . . .the actual Lone Ranger, Clayton Moore, in all his glory. Afterwards, the Lone Ranger needs a ride home. Jay and Mike, now herbed up, offer him a ride. Lots of traffic. Fender bender. The guy who hits Jay's car makes a run for it. Jay gives chase. In the backseat, the Lone Ranger calmly bobs and rocks. Jay eventually catches up to the fleeing car. Words are exchanged. The guy denies any wrong-doing, blaming Jay for running into him. Jay says he's going to call the cops. The guy scoffs and says, "Who are they going to believe; me, or you two hippie freaks?"
"And with that, the Lone Ranger gets out of the backseat of the car . . . .and says . . . . . . "They'll believe me, citizen."

John McEnroe – 7 Grand Slam Singles Titles
9 Grand Slam Doubles Titles
1 Grand Slam Mixed Doubles Titles
A member of the International Tennis Hall of Fame

ACT 4:

I missed her entire segment. I was researching and making a list of the celebrities who helped in a piece we would be showing later in the show. Here are some things Kristen may have spoken about.
-She left "Saturday Night Live" in 2012 after 7 seasons.
-When she auditioned for SNL, she had a follow-up private meeting with Lorne Michael. All she remembers was he had a huge fish tank in his office.
-She's in 3 current films: "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty," "The Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues," and an indie film, "Her."
-She never planned on being an actress. She spent three months living in the wild as a school project. When she got out, she went into acting.
-"The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" – it opens Christmas Day. Iceland is beautiful and they have many amazing sweater stores.

ACT 5:
Military men and women with a message for those at home.

ACT 6:
Ever get a gift you don't quite like; something you don't need? We decided to put together this piece called, "Celebrities Pretend to Like Gifts They Hate" . . . or something like that. Over the past few weeks, we asked some of our guests to participate in the piece, pretending their best to look as if they love what they don't. Playing along: Stephen Colbert, Julie Chen, Paul Rudd, Billy Crystal, Will Ferrell, John Witherspoon, Sir Ian McKellen, Josh Groban, Andy Cohen, Regis Philbin, Cristin Milioti, Ben Stiller, and Emma Thompson.

ACT 7:

And that was our show for Friday, December 20, 2013.

Time now the annual Late Show Christmas Show Trivia Question. Darlene Love first performed "Merry Christmas, Baby, Please Come Home" on Late Night in 1986. When Dave and the show moved to CBS in 1993, Darlene missed the first year. We learned from our mistake and she's been here at the show every Christmas Show since 1994.
Question: Who performed on our Christmas show in 1993?

Our annual holiday military greetings this year included:
Spc. Klye Collins (Army) of Indiana
Pfc. Holly Mach (Army) of Nebraska
Sgt. Robert Smith (Air Force) of Colorado
Lt. Commander Robert Krejci (Marines) of California
Col. Mary Kay Goetter (Air Force) of Air Force
Spc. Anthony Noran (Army) of Texas
Capt. Richard Grinstead (Air Force) of New York
Spc. Daniel Butsick (Air Force) of Idaho
M. Sgt. Marcus Penn (Air Force) of California
S. Sgt. Danielle Fonseca (Air Force) of Texas
Petty Officer 2nd Class Janice Mason (Navy) of Arkansas

John McEnroe was given a rough transcript of Jay Thomas' Lone Ranger story. It was also printed on cue cards. Working with our cue card boy, Todd, John made some very minor changes to fit his style. Mr. Mac did a fantastic job in filling the role of Jay Thomas. He read the cards with what seemed to be great comfort and confidence. I'm always jealous of one who can read without a stumble; one who can speak without a falter. John aced it.

Dave referred to a blue card about the history of Jay Thomas and the Holiday Quarterback Challenge. He said this would have been Jay's 16th time participating since 1998. The blue card had 15 . . . . but Dave was actually right. We did not do it in 2007 because of the writer's strike, but we did do it for no reason in July one summer.

Late Show Christmas Show 1993 --- who performed instead of Darlene Love? Answer: Andy Williams - "It's The Most Beautiful Time of the Year" on December 23, 1993.

We had the Late Show Holiday Party after the taping of tonight's show. I always hope for the same thing at the party: that an intern destroys his or her career by their incredibly inappropriate behavior. Unfortunately, once again it did not happen. Everybody was polite and mature. Darn. Why don't they act their age?

MONDAY, DEC. 23 – From 11/12/13; #3945 – Jonah Hill, Chiwetal Ejiofor, and J. Roddy Walston & The Business
WEDNESAY DEC.25 – From 12/16/13; #3955 – Will Ferrell, and Chris Cornell with Joy Williams
THURSDAY DEC.26 – From 11/22/13; #3946 – Howard Stern, and Adrienne Iapalucci
FRIDAY DEC. 27 – From 10/04/13; #3916 – Tom Selleck, Michael Somerville, and Albert Hammond Jr.
MONDAY DEC. 30 – From 12/10/13; #3951 – Billy Crystal, Julie Chen, and ZZ Ward
TUESDAY DEC.31 – From 11/05/13; #3941 – Stupid Pet Tricks, Connie Britton, and Lady Antebellum
WEDNESDAY JAN. 01 – From 12/11/13; #3952 – Emma Thompson, Andy Cohen, and Nick Lowe
THURSDAY JAN. 02 – From 12/09/13; #3950 – Stephen Colbert, Ian McKellen, and Chvrches
FRIDAY JAN. 03 – From 10/07/13; #3917 – Tom Hanks, and Two Door Cinema Club

Check the Wahoo Archives and make your plans accordingly.

Thank you for another great and successful year of the Wahoo Gazette. I think I lost fewer readers this year than ever before! And I hope to lose even less in 2013.

Gotta run. Gotta start my Christmas shopping.

Yahoo! Days start getting longer!

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.