Lena Dunham, Max Greenfield, and Brandy Clark.
PLUS: a car stuck in the snow; a ship stuck in the ice; Congress is back; Dave's New Year's Eve; a Top Ten List; and "Pills"
". . . . and now, the heater from Van Meter . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
-"Frigid cold across America. Here in New York it's going down to minus degrees. Minus degrees . . . . . that's what Dr. Phil has."
Is that car still stuck in the snow? We take a look at a clip of a car spinning its wheels in the snow. Some suggestions: rock it back and forth; put some kitty litter under the tires; maybe a piece of cardboard. No luck.
A ship full of researchers has been trapped in icy Antarctic waters since Christmas Eve. Fortunately, everyone is doing fine, and there's a rescue effort underway. We watch.
ANNOUNCE: "On December 24th, a Russian icebreaker ship became stuck in icy waters off the coast of Antarctica. On January 3rd, a Chinese icebreaker sent to rescue the Russian ship was also trapped in the ice. This week, the United States Coast Guard dispatched its most-powerful, heavy-duty icebreaker."
We see the familiar clip of a fat guy jumping off a short pier into a half-frozen lake. He cracks through the ice.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been a 'Late Show Fat Joke.'"
The United States Congress went on vacation, but is now back in session. Everyone is feeling refreshed and getting along better than ever. We take a look at these clips from C-SPAN.
Senator Mike Johanns (R-Nebraska): "Sit down and shut up."
Senator Dan Coats (R-Indiana): "Sit down and shut up."
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina): "Shut up!"
Senator Dick Durbin (D-Illinois): "Shut up."
Senator Sheldon Whitehouse, D-R.I.): "Shut up."
Senator Byron Dorgan (D-North Dakota): "Put a cork in it."
Rep. Rick Nolan (D-Minnesota): "Jackass."
Rep. John Carter (R-Texas): "Piece of garbage."
Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky): "Zip it. Shut your mouth."
Rep. Jim McDermott (D - Washington): "Sit down and shut your mouth. You're driving everyone crazy!"
Yes, we're in good hands.
We're back. Dave wishes everyone a happy new year. He references Paul and his Canadian background and mentions that in Canada they celebrate the New Year earlier in the year than we do. And why is that? Class? Paul responds: Because of the early harvest."
Dave speaks of his New Year's Eve at the house with Harry. Harry was excited to see the ball drop. I was at a small get-together and watched the ball drop, as well. And I had the same reaction as Dave did. The ball was slowly descending to welcome in the New Year and Ryan Seacrest is trying to drum up excitement that is oddly missing. I was asking everyone around me, and getting little response, "Why isn't the crowd going nuts?" The crowd seemed to be as excited as fans at a San Diego Padre game. Dull, bored, doing nothing. Ryan Seacrest exclaimed, "Who . . . . just look at this crowd." Yeah, I was looking and I saw nothing.
Listen, you kids in Times Square on New Year's Eve, you have to participate. You have to create the excitement. It isn't done for you. You have to pretend this is a big event. It takes effort. They offered nothing. At least it seemed so to me. I blame it on the socializing numbing of the social media. Or maybe it's because of the crackdown on the public drinking.
And Dave doesn't see what's so great about the dropping of the ball. Even Harry wondered, "That's it?" Dave suggests that NASA get involved and drop that guy from space down on New Year's Eve. Remember that guy who parachuted from a spaceship a while back? I do, and that's why I went running to a computer to find it in my data base.
TOP TEN: VOICEMAL MESSAGES LEFT BY POPE FRANCIS
But first, Costume Designer Sue Hum. She enters in a winter hat, boots, and a cup of hot cocoa.
DAVE: "Oh, hi, Sue. It's our wardrobe designer Sue Hum. How are you? I like your hat."
SUE: "Thank you."
DAVE: "Cold out, isn't it."
SUE: ""I made a batch of hot chocolate."
DAVE: "Oh, great, hot chocolate!"
SUE: "It's made out of 100% real chocolate, with a dash of local dairy milk. Would you like some?"
DAVE: "Now, uhhh, no thank you, Sue. Oh, did you go to Times Square this year?"
SUE: (now angry) "I hope you freeze your nuts off!"
Sue storms off.
Dave is stunned. Meanwhile, I'm leafing through my script looking for the change in dialogue. Dave went off-script and Sue went straight ahead. Dave laughs, not sure what to say. Paul wonders aloud and says it doesn't take much to provoke her.
TOP TEN: VOICEMAL MESSAGES LEFT BY POPE FRANCIS
10. "Whoops, butt dial."
9. "Am I the 25th caller?"
6. "Stop screening your calls . . . . . I know you're there, Rusty." Rusty is an audience member who came up during the pre-show Q&A. Whenever we reference an audience member in the Top Ten, it seems to be #6.
Back from commercial, Dave throws to the clip of the guy jumping from his spaceship. I never could find the clip in my database. I'm not sure why. I've since checked and found I had it logged under "Felix Baumgartner drops into Times Square." Dang it. We did this last year? I'll have to adjust my listing. I forgot his name was Felix. I kept searching for "space" and "jump" and "parachute." Buzz Buzz Buzz. Somebody else in the Control Room must have come up with it.
My drive in took me two hours this morning, leaving me little time for Lena and Max.
Lena doesn't usually do much over on holidays. This year she went down to Miami for 3 days. She's not much of a partier, so it's not really a good idea to go to Miami during New Year's Eve, since it's Party Centric this time of year. Lena feels she's more Boca than Miami. What she did take advantage of was going to Gloria Estefan's restaurant. Lena is a huge Estefan fan ever since she was a child at "Hands Up." Lena's parents would take her to a kids' aerobics class when she was six and they always played Estefan's "Conga" song. Been hooked ever since.
"Girls" on HBO – Lena stars, writes, directs, and crated the successful series. She admits she still can't believe it. Any day now she expects that tap on the shoulder and told, "You're done." She hopes to have a job as a mail carrier waiting for her, just in case.
A smiling Dave speaks directly to the camera. Says Dave, "People walk up to me all the time and say, "Dave, you seem different. You carry yourself like you have a new lease on life. What's your secret?" Dave continues. He says he owes it all to a brand new product called, "Pills." He holds up a bottle of "Pills."
DAVE: "That's right . . . ‘Pills.' Are you like me? Do things bother you? Does your stuff hurt? Then that's why you need ‘Pills.' ‘Pills' work when you need them most. But don't just take it from me. Listen to what our celebrity spokesman has to say."
Dave turns to another camera. Lights change.
DAVE: "Hi. I'm celebrity spokesman David Letterman, and I love taking ‘Pills'! I have no idea how they work, but people tell me I'm much better, and that's good enough for me!"
Dave opens the bottle and throws back a handful.
Back to original camera.
DAVE: "So, when things just aren't going your way, ‘Pills' can help."
ALAN ANNOUNCE:" ‘Pills', available at your local Walgreens. Tell 'em Dave sent you!"
Going into commercial, tonight's Backstage Photo Club inductees are Unit Manager Pam Narozny, and Line Producer Paula Chagares.
ANNOUNCE: "Check us out tomorrow as Dave welcomes Joel McHale, Marv Albert, and Washed Out. I've switched from regular soy sauce to the low-salt soy sauce. I'm going to outlive you all!"
Max and his family spent the break vacationing in Hawaii. On the flight back, he told his 4-year-old daughter, Lilly, that he was going to New York to meet with his good friend, David Letterman. Lilly made a keychain for Max's good friend and Max presented it to Dave. The red, white, and blue keychain actually looked like an earring my wife wore back in '76. Dave says he will adorn the Late Show Christmas Tree with the keychain next year. Staffers eyeballed each other wondering who would be responsible to remember that.
Max was on the WB TV series, "Veronica Mars." It was canceled after 3 or so seasons. Warner Brothers passed on the opportunity to finance a "Veronica Mars" movie. The movie was then pitched on the "Kickstarter" website. $2 million was raised in, like, 40 minutes. It was soon up to $6 million. That put a lot of pressure on them to make it good. Dave wonders who all this is legal. Do the contributors get anything for help finance the film? Max says they get a t-shirt. Mine is probably in the mail right now. Word on the street says the "Veronica Mars" film will opens March 14th.
Max can now be seen on the FOX show, "New Girl." It is slated for that highly cherished position post--Super Bowl time slot, or as I call it, the "Magruder and Loud" timeslot. This is great for Max and "New Girl" because everyone I know who will be watching the Super Bowl will be great condition to stick around for "New Girl." "New Girl" will then regularly run on Tuesday nights at 9 PM on FOX.
From her new CD, "12 Stories," Brandy Clark performed a very enjoyable "Stripes."
And that was our show for Monday, January 6, 2014.
I listened to some Brandy Clark on the Imus radio show on my two hour ride into work this morning. In a song she performed, she referred to marijuana as "Mary Jane." That's what I call it when warning my daughters of its dangers. They then look at me with "shut up" in their eyes.
Best part of the New Years is The Honeymooners marathon. No matter how many times I watch, it's still funny funny funny. But then I turn almost sad thinking that this is who good television can be. Maybe it was so good because it felt like grown-ups were in charge of the show.
And then I watched "Viva Las Vegas" with Elvis Presley and Ann Margret. Boy, oh boy, that Ann Margret . . . . mmmmm, mmm. I compare every starlet to her, and so far, none match.
I was watching the Auburn/Florida State BCS Championship game last night, but decided to go to be when I realized I didn't care who won.
I got an iPhone for Christmas. I can't wait to start ignoring people who are talking to me.
2 hour commute into work Monday and Tuesday morning. Yup, we're back!
My condolences to former Late Show intern Brian Hall on his Kansas City Chiefs. But at least Dave is happy, right?!
I learned three things over the break:
1. Every New York Giants game will have a first-quarter Eli Manning Delay of the Game penalty.
2. Every radio station will overplay the "Kars for Kids" jingle.
3. Every episode of "Gossip Girl" will include the line, "I would never do anything to hurt you."
Yeah, my daughter Danielle discovered "Gossip Girl" on the Netflix over the break. She got caught up on it. All 121 episodes. I kind of listened in to find out what was so fascinating. In every episode of "Gossip Girl," someone will say "I would never do anything to hurt you." At every party, somebody will say, "What are you doing here?" And every problem and misunderstanding starts with an overheard cell phone conversation.
That's it. Now you don't have to watch all 121 episodes.
Spoiler Alert: Chuck and Blair get married at the end.
Oh, and "Downton Abbey" is turning into "Gossip Girl" without the social media.
My goal for 2014 is to make the Wahoo Gazette bigger than "The Spectator"
Michael Z. McIntee