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Tuesday, January 7, 2014 For the record: they're gray, not white.
Show #3961
Joel McHale, Marv Albert, and Washed Out.
PLUS: de Blasio in Office; Trouble at the Packer/49er Game; Seagal for Governor; the Return of Downton Abbey; and Tweets to the Late Show.

". . . . and now, your emotionally soothing cup of hot cocoa . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Flu season. I have a strange doctor. First he puts on a rubber glove; then he puts on Michael Buble."
- "I said to my doctor, 'I'm coming down with something.' And he said, 'You know, I've seen your show, and you'd better come up with something.'" I liked that joke. It sounded old, as if it's been around a long time, but it's the first time I've heard it. Very Carson-esque.

Is that car still stuck in the snow? Sure is. We watch the wheels keep turning in the snow of an unknown. I would love to see how this ends.

Here's been the mayor for less than a week. Bill de Blasio is the captain of the USS New York City. Here we take a look at something we're calling, "Nice Going, de Blasio."
ART CARD: NICE GOING, DE BLASIO
We see a clip from a local news team reporting: "Phil Everly of the famed 'Everly Brothers' has died."
Quick cut to the ART CARD: NICE GOING, DE BLASIO.
Phil Everly was alive when Bloomberg was still mayor.

Hey, did you watch the Green Bay Packers/San Francisco 49ers game on Sunday? Icy cold frigid air game conditions knocking on the door of zero degrees. Things went very well for the 49ers, eking late field goal for the win. Unfortunately, things weren't 100% OK. Did you see what happened during the postgame celebration? We watch the game-winning field goal. We see 49er coach Jim Harbaugh celebrating. We see two 49er players dump Gatorade over the head of the game-winning coach. The Gatorade . . . . it's a block of ice.

I'm driving in to work Tuesday morning. On WCBS-880 radio, they play some of the best monologue jokes from the night before. They played a Conan joke . . . . that was the same idea as our joke with the frozen Gatorade. We were a day later with ours. BUT . . . . we did have it ready to go on Monday night. Although we were a day later, we weren't really a day later. We were just a day later.

Good news for Steven Seagal fan (sic), he's considering running for Governor of Arizona. Earlier today, he tested the waters by releasing this campaign commercial. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: (movie trailer voice) "This election, the people of Arizona want a candidate they can trust to get the job done, and that man is Steven Seagal. Mr. Seagal has a long track record, solving the most challenging issues of today: immigration reform . . . . (vt of Seagal breaking a guy's leg in half like a twig) . . . . small business solutions (vt of Seagal throwing a guy through a store window) . . . transportation . . . (vt of Seagal fighting a guy on top of a train, and then throwing him under the wheels.)
ANNOUNCE: "Steven Seagal: leadership you can trust."
I love Steven Seagal movies. I never look for one, but always stop for a few minutes when I'm flipping the channels from ESPN to MSG.

Dave tells a joke about Kim Jong Un killing his uncle Il, or Il killing his uncle Un . . . or some Korean leader killing his uncle by tossing him in with a pit of hungry dogs. The joke was supposed to be followed by the SFX of growling dogs and yelps for help. The audio was too low for Dave's liking and explains the problem later in the program.

"Downton Abbey" . . . . it's back! Did you watch the return Sunday night? Lots of new characters joining the old. We take a look at the promo.
ANNOUNCE: "This season on 'Downton Abbey', all your favorite lords and ladies are back, like (clips of each) Robert Crawley, The Earl of Grantham, and Violet Crawley, The Dowager Countess. But there are even more nobles visiting the estate this season. William Benedict, The Earl of Carthage; Parth Ramington, The Viceroy of Ealing; Winifred Granville-Smith, The Lady of Ipswich; Cavendish Oglethorpe Carter-Campbell, The 14th Lord of Bexley; Sir Edgerton Molesworth Gascoyne-Cecil, The 3rd Marquee of Salisbury; Lady Eliza Petty-Fitzwallace Mandeville-Compton-Hay, The 9th Baroness of Northamptonshire; The Reverend Reginald Roddam Gordon-Lennox Lennox-Gordon, The 9th Vicar of Kingston-on-Bromwich; Elizabeth Margaret Darcy De Heathcoat-Drummond Nevil-Coats Fraser Hamilton, Esq., The 5th Duchess of Wadsworth; and everyone's favorite next-door neighbor, Kramer (clip of Kramer making a Seinfeld entrance). This season, on 'Downton Abbey.'"

ACT 2:
Dave wants the growling dogs and yelping man we couldn't hear following the Kim Jong-Un joke. The audio is amplified to Dave's liking. His like is a bit too much for comfort.

Hey, it's Tweet time! Paul and the CBS Orchestra monkey with the CBS Mailbag "Letters" jingle to make it fit the Twitter time. Dave reads from a list of Tweets to the Late Show, not prepared by me.
- "Describe the Letterman Christmas." Dave says he had a great Christmas, and then asks Paul. The Jewish Paul Shaffer politely lies and says his Christmas was nice, too.
- "How come no more Mailbags? I miss those letters and you and Paul's responses." Dave answers, "Because I don't enjoy answering questions from viewers."
- "Dear Dave, did you ever play a sport when you were out at Ball State?" Somehow that got Dave to ask about the Florida State/Auburn game Monday night. The audience barely reacts. Dave calls for the growling dogs.
- Charlie Johnson writes: "How come number 1 on the Top Ten list is never funny?" Dave agrees and doesn't know why #1 is never funny. He blames the writer holed up in the writers' booth.
- "Will you groom me to be your protege?" Dave says he barley grooms himself.
- "Mr. Letterman, why do you always wear white socks?" For the millionth time, Dave proclaims that his socks are not white . . . . they are gray. Not sure if this tweet came from Costume Designer Sue Hum.
- "Merry Christmas Dave and your crew. What was the best gift you have ever received?" Dave answers simply, "That would be crack-smoking Mayor Rob Ford." Yes, it's the gift that keeps giving. Eliot Spitzer isn't a bad gift, either.

ACT 3:
JOEL MCHALE
From NBC's "Community" and the "new" Talk Soup guy. "Talk Soup" was a favorite of mine, starting with host Greg Kinnear way back in the previous decade in 1991. It enabled me to catch on the best of Jerry Springer clips when I was unable to watch. From Kinnear, it moved on to John Henson. He was good, but I always liked Kinnear better, sort of like my fondness for Adam West as Batman over Clooney and Bale. The Talk Soup has since changed to simply "The Soup," hosted by McHale for a good decade now.
Joel's wife won a free trip for four to France in a raffle. Since the price was right, Joel and the family took advantage. Joel tells funny tales of the family adventures in Paris, sounding almost like a bad Olson twins movie. "A bad Olson twins movie" . . . . . isn't that understood?
Joel McHale's "Community" can be seen Thursday nights at 8:00 PM on NBC. I like him.

ACT 4:
MARV ALBERT
Marvelous Marv . . . . it was announced earlier today that Marv will be inducted into the National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association Hall of Fame." Well deserved. Back in the old neighborhood, my dad put up a basketball court in front of the house. When I say "basketball court," I mean a basket rim and a piece of plywood on a pole. That was good enough for us. It was the neighborhood meeting place where it was not uncommon to find 15 of us shooting 5 basketballs at the one rim. The sounds of clunks and clanks and an occasional swish were could be heard with the always present Marv announce of, "YES! And it counts!" Everybody loved Marv. Dave and Marv talk of the sports and games of the day. The comment I've logged and have pasted on my office wall is Dave's Super Bowl prediction:
Seattle Seahawks: 6
Indianapolis Colts: 30.
I'm hoping Dave "Tebow's" it.
And then Marv presents his annual Wild and Wacky of the year's best in sports bloopers. Most I have seen over the year but I am a sucker for such things. I can watch these over and over. And no blooper reel would be complete without at least one slam to the crotch. That's always a funny. ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Get ready for another great one tomorrow as Dave welcomes Scarlett Johansson, and John Grant. "
Shot of Alan. He is holding two closed hands out in front.
ALAN: "Guess which hand has the coin?"
He then puts his hands down.
ALAN: "Thanks for playing."

I think it was in his left hand because at the end he moved some papers with his right hand and I didn't see a coin.

ACT 7:
WASHED UP
From his album, "Paracosm," Washed Up performed "All I Know."
Washed Up is a person. Now we know.

And that was our show for Tuesday January 7, 2014.

25 degrees is nothing. 15 degrees is cold. And this 5 degrees is ridiculously cold. It's so much more worse than 15. I haven't felt the inside of my nostrils touch like that in years. I can't imagine another 10 or 20 degrees colder.

When I said I got a new iPhone for Christmas, I meant to say my daughter got a new iPhone and I got her old one.

I was making soup the other day. I was cutting up a bunch of vegetables for a Yellow Pea and Squash soup. I never cut up a squash before. It was hard to peel and cube. And during my prep . . . . OUCH! I nearly sliced my thumb off. It was a deep cut, one that bleeds purplish-red. I yelled, "Darn it!" and quickly found a napkin and applied pressure. I finished slicing while holding my thumb over my head. I completed prepping the soup ingredients and let it stew on the oven. Came out damn tasty. Question: If some of my thumb blood got in the soup, is it still acceptable for a Vegan?

Wahoo reader Mark Lloyd Smith wonders why no local news crew sends a reporter out to see if you can freeze an egg on the sidewalk today. I like that idea.

Monday's NYC temperature: 55 degrees.
Tuesday: 5 degrees.
Average: 30 degrees. Perfectly normal for January.

Ryan Seacrest and Carson Daly and Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper and Miley Cyrus . . . . give me Guy Lombardo on New Year's Eve. Can't they find some old tapes of Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians and cue it up to 12 midnight? There's a big world out there that would go with Mr. Lombardo for New Year's Eve . . . at least for one year.

I think I'll wait for "The Wolf of Wall Street" to come to Cinemax After Dark.

Any old-time New York Giants fans out there? I was watching a Vince Lombardi special on the NFL Network the other day. Lombardi, a New York boy, was an assistant coach for the Giants before he went to Green Bay. He retired in 1968 after his second Super Bowl championship. After a year off, he signed on to be the head coach of the Washington Redskins. The Giants at the time were mired in bad-to-mediocre years. Question: Why didn't the Giants jump on Lombardi? How could they let him go to the 'Skins?

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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