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Wednesday, January 8, 2014 Dave sets the record straight on North Korean myths.
Show #3962
Scarlett Johansson, and John Grant.
PLUS: dealing with the cold; a car stuck in the snow; how old is Roger?; a Velveeta crisis; North Korea: Myth and Fact; a Top Ten list; Healthbeat with Dr. Lou Aronne; and a story of Dave's mom in Florida.

". . . . and now, second tenor of The Jordanaires . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"The People's Choice Awards were on earlier tonight. I chose to watch something else."

"How old are you, Roger?" We quickly cut to the Teeter Hand Up commercial. We see a healthy elderly exclaim with a leap, "I'm over 72, and I feel great!"

How you doing with the cold? When the weather gets this cold, you hear a lot of advice on how to deal with the freezing temperatures. Dave saw this reminder on television that seemed particularly valuable. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "If the sidewalk in front of your home tends to become icy, it is extremely important to install a video camera to record any hilarious falls that occur."
We view a number of falls by pedestrians trying to make their way with snow and ice under foot. Even a moose. Yes, when others fall on the ice, it's a hoot!
ANNOUNCE: "A message from the National Weather Service."

How's that car coming along? We cut to a car stuck in the snow, spinning its tires. Dave wonders why the guy working the video camera doesn't lend a hand. And why is the car in the backyard? Lots of questions but no answers. Paul offers a suggestion of putting some cardboard under the tires. That, and warm weather, will get the car moving.
Velveeta shortage! Velveeta shortage! You know what that means . . . . . A "Hellveeta" graphic comes flying in. Dramatic music sting from the band. Full graphic, with ominous announce: "Hellveeta: Day 2 – A Nation in Crisis!" I'll say it's a crisis! Velveeta is the staple at my Super Bowl party.

Hoo boy, that New Jersey Governor Christ Christie . . . he got himself in a bit of a jam, pun intended. Some believe he ordered lane closures to cause traffic jams in the town of a mayor who did not support his re-election bid. The Governor hadn't caused such a tie-up since the time he was at the Arby's drive-thru. We take a look at line of cars at Arby's. C'mon, Governor, just order the roast beef and move on.

There's a lot of confusion surrounding recent events in North Korea. We sort it out for you in this segment called, "North Korea: Myth & Fact"
ART CARD: NORTH KOREA: MYTH & FACT
ANNOUNCE/GRAPHIC: "MYTH: Kim Jong-Un's uncle was torn apart by dogs." We see a pack of snarling dogs with the growling and yelping of a man being devoured by snarling dogs.
ANNOUNCE/GRAPHIC: "FACT: Kim Jong-Un's uncle was shot to death . . . by dogs." We see a trio of dogs toting rifles. We hear gunfire.
ART CARD: NORTH KOREA: MYTH & FACT

ACT 2:
In for Felicia Collins tonight: Mike Muller

Before hopping aboard the Top Ten train, Dave has a tale to tell. His mom, now 92, is in Florida staying with Dave's sister for a spell. Dave's mom has one of those walkers to help her get around from here to there. It's not a walker with the tennis balls on the bottom but one with wheels. Better for the outdoors. Mom and daughter were out for a walk. While daughter got the mail, mom went ahead up the driveway back to the house. Well, mom took a break, but the walker didn't. With mom leaning on it, the walker slowly slid up the driveway. Mom hung on to the walker. The walker continued to walk while mom did not. When Dave's sister looked up, she saw mom planking. Mom had gone horizontal.

TOP TEN: NEW PRODUCTS FEATURED AT THE CONSUMER ELECTRONICS SHOW – the show is now in session all this week in Las Vegas. It features exhibit after exhibit of stuff we don't need but will be convinced we do.
NEW PRODUCTS FEATURED AT THE CONSUMER ELECTRONICS SHOW
9. Return-O, The Gift That Returns Itself
3. Nose Hair Trimmer with Nostril Recognition
2. iPod Inappropriate Touch

ACT 3:
SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Miss Scarlett has been battling this polar vortex here in New York with hot dogs, canned food, and snowmen. She now lives in Paris. Parisians were nice to her at first, but now that they know she's staying they aren't so nice. Someday I want to be able to say that I lived in Paris for a while. Maybe I'll just go there on a two-week vacation and tell them I lived there. Nobody has to know it was only for two weeks.
Look for Scarlett in the new film, "Her." You can look for her, but you won't find her. Voice only. And it's not an animated film. Scarlett plays a very advanced computer operating system named "Samantha." The apparent nerdish Joaquin Phoenix becomes smitten with the Samantha voice. I guess it makes dating a lot cheaper.
"Her" – opens nationwide this Friday.

Tonight's Backstage Photo Club inducts assistant researcher Kat Koehler with a cutout of Danny Devito.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "You'll want to join us again tomorrow as Dave welcomes Anderson Cooper, from ‘Saturday Night Live' Billy Moynihan, and Will Hoge. The production of incandescent light bulbs is now banned in the U.S. Whale oil, here I come!"

ACT 6:
It's time once again for our popular medical segment, "Healthbeat, with Dr. Lou Aronne." Dave points out that Dr. Lou is the real deal. He ain't no actor, ain't no pretender. Dave lauds, "He's the guy who saved my life." We find Dr. Lou standing in front of a brick wall, a la Catch a Rising Star or The improve or the Comedy Cellar . . . one of those . . . or all of those. Not sure.
Dr. Lou is in his white lab coat. He has microphone in hand. He takes a sip of water that sits on a nearby stool.
DR. LOU: "The polar vortex is upon us, bringing extreme Arctic temperatures to much of the United States. Weather like this is dangerous. It can cause frostbite in minutes. Here's how you can tell if you have frostbite:
-If you're experiencing clumsiness due to joint and muscle stiffness, you might . . . have frostbite." Rim shot.
-If you have a slightly painful prickly or itching sensation in your fingers, toes, ears, nose or chin, you might . . . have frostbite." Rim shot.
-If a fluid-filled blister appears 24 to 36 hours after exposure, and then the area turns black and hard as your skin tissue becomes necrotic, you might . . . have frostbite." Rim shot.
-If you're suffering from any of these conditions, contact your physician immediately. Goodnight everybody!" Dr. Lou waves. Freeze.
ALAN ANNOUNCE: "Dr. Lou is currently appearing daily at the New York Presbyterian/Weill Cornell Medical Center. This has been ‘Healthbeat, with Dr. Lou Aronne.' Back to you, Dave."

ACT 7:
JOHN GRANT

From his album, "Pale Green Ghosts," John Grant performed "GMF." Oh, boy, this guy deserves more listens. GMF stands for . . . "Greatest Mother'givl'er". This song, and I think others on the album, sound soulful and full of heart, but the lyrics are deliciously hateful, depressing, and full of misery and gloom. But, he's over it. He accepts life's inevitable futility and hopeless hope. That's just the way life is. At least that's what I got out of one song. Bring me more John Grant.

And that was our show for Wednesday, January 8, 2014.

JAM SCAM! I love it! Not only is it about the New Jersey/Governor Christie scandal about creating unnecessary traffic jams, it's about MY traffic jams! My George Washington Bridge! My commute! I love talking about traffic, and this one is all about mine! Governor Christie, or his people, were upset with the Fort Lee Mayor (Fort Lee is on the Jersey side of the George Washington Bridge) because the Mayor did not endorse Christie in his quest for re-election as governor. As punishment, the order was put out for lane closures leading into the bridge. This caused traffic pileups all through the city of Fort Lee by people trying to get around the traffic. What commuters don't understand, don't quite get, is that there is a need to cause traffic getting onto the bridge? Really? Doesn't that happen on its own? The bridge doesn't need help for that. Anyway, Christie is denying he knew anything about the "order." I find he is too much of "Huh? What? Not me . . . I knew nothing" and not enough of "When I find out who is responsible, heads will roll." He's in "covering ass" mode and not "kicking ass" mode. But then, by the time you read this he may be in "kicking ass" mode. He's set to make an announcement some time Thursday morning.

What have I always said? You can do anything you want in New York (and Jersey); just don't screw up the flow of pedestrian or vehicular traffic. The whole metro area has someplace to go. Don't get in the way. It's all we ask.

JAM SCAM! I love it! Bring it on!

And could we please get some grownups in politics. Where are the grownups? Politicians all seem like a bunch of 8th graders, more concerned with how they look and fit in than with doing the right thing and getting the right things done. Oy.

Note to Stop & Shop supermarket. . . you need to make your coupons and specials easier to understand. "Gas Points"? How does that work? At what gas station? And I save $5 on this item if I buy 5 of these other items? What items? You mean I have to shop with the flier in my hand and check off items from the list? Wrong. You need to make it easy; make it immediate.
Yeah, that's right, I use coupons! Just try to make something of it. If you got a problem with that I'll come to your town and create traffic. Watch it.

Happy birthday, Elvis!
Elvis Presley performed 3 times on the Ed Sullivan Show.
1. September 9, 1956 --- 60 million people tuned in.
2. October 28, 1956
3. January 6, 1957

I'm on the Facebook the other day. You read all kinds of things there; some boring and tedious; others tedious and boring.
I read this public posting from an old high school acquaintance.
"Mom not doing well. Please be strong . I love you." Very sad. I said a quick prayer for her and her mom.
Six hours later I saw this on Facebook from the same person:
"Happy happy hour" – with photos of her enjoying happy hour.
The next day's post: "I need Italian rainbow cookies."
I don't remember the saint I prayed to but I apologize for taking up your time.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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Wednesday, April 2
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