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Saturday, January 11, 2014 Rupert Jee fights the Polar Vortex by warming his hands in soup.
Show #3964
Mindy Kaling, Jeff Altman, and Red Fang.
PLUS: Nice Going, de Blasio; Hellveeta: Day 4; Christie Responds; How the Staff Dealt with the Polar Vortex; Charts and Graphs; and a Top Ten List.

". . . . and now, processed cheese product hoarder . . . . . . . David Letterman!!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Sunday is No Pants Subway Ride day, were New Yorkers ride the subway without pants. Last year, it was won by a guy from Kenya." Nobody but me and maybe two others in the audience laughed, but since I laughed it was fine with it.

There's a new mayor in town, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio. We would all like to get behind him in support, but it's not always that easy. We take a look at this segment called, "Nice Going, de Blasio.
We see a clip of a local news guy reporting about the Velveeta shortage. There was no shortage 10 days ago when Bloomberg was mayor.

You know were still in the midst of an incomprehensible crisis . . . the nationwide Velveeta shortage. We now face: (graphic and announce) "Hellveeta: Day 4 – Society on the brink."

As they say in Austria, "Hellveeta-zane."
Does that make the least bit of sense?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is accused of closing traffic lanes to get back at a political opponent. He just released this statement. We take a look and listen.
ANNOUNCE: "The Christie Administration is under fire for lane closures on the George Washington Bridge. When asked to comment about where his office was responsible for the traffic jam, Christie said ‘mmmm, jam.'
More on the scandal after this."

You have to choose your words carefully when asking Christie questions.

ACT 2:
The worst of the cold is behind us. The polar vortex seems to have moved on. But we all have a story to tell on how we got through it. We take a look at this quick montage of Late Show staff and friends on how we battled the frigidness on Miss Winter.
- We get a glimpse of the icy city.
- Building Engineer George Clarke kept the cold at bay by throwing old show tapes into the furnace.
- Writer Joe Grossman ignored the advice of his fellow staffers and put his head in the microwave.
- Our friend Rupert Jee took a different approach and heated up with some chili. (Rupert puts his bare hands into a pot of piping hot chili."
- We set up a warming station for our guests. We see Marv Albert and Joel McHale outside on 53rd Street trying to keep warm by a fire barrel.
- And we also served some hot cocoa and doughnuts to the audience before the show, but crack-smoking Mayor Rob Ford showed up and ruined the fun. We see Mayor Ford rumble into the lobby and fall flat atop the table of snacks and treats.
- And just to be safe, staffer Kathy Mavrikakis was asked to check on the elderly. We see Kathy open a door to find Dave lying flat on the floor. She turns and exclaims to the unseen staff down the hall, ‘Great news, everybody, he's dead!"

And that's how a lot of us on staff dealt with the Polar Vortex.

It's Friday, so that means it's time for . . . CHARTS AND GRAPHS
- WAYS THE CURRENT YEAR IS WRITTEN ON CHECKS
5% - ‘14
15% - 2014
80% - (2013 is crossed out) 2014
- MOST COMMON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS (Venn diagram)
(left circle) - EAT LESS
(right circle) - CUT DOWN ON CIGARETTES
(center intersect) – EAT FEWER CIGARETTES

Dave notices there is not a chart or a graph on the monitor. Instead, there is a "Press Your Luck" game board. The "whammy" circles around and around until Dave yells "STOP!" Unfortunately, Dave got the whammy. Wah wah wahhhhhh.

- IF YOU COULD BE DOING ANYTHING ELSE FOR A LIVING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
42% – ACTING
57% – PLAYING MUSIC
1%– DRAWING DINOSAURS INSTEAD OF BAR GRAPHS

- FAVORITE PART OF THE DIME
38% - FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
36% - TORCH
26% - FONDUE FOUNTAIN

- PREDICTIONS OF ROB FORD'S FUTURE
50% LOSES RE-ELECTION IN A LANDSLIDE
50% - LOSE HIS BALANCE, CAUSES A LANDSLIDE

- 2014 WINTER OLYMPIC EVENTS THAT SOUND SOMEWHAT SUGGESTIVE
41% - BIATHLON
28% - NORDIC COMBINED
31% - FREESTYLE ICE HUMPING

- WHEN I SAY "HEY!" . . . . YOU SAY "HO!" . . . . . "HEY!"
100% - "HO!"

ACT 3:
MINDY KALING
From "The Mindy Project" on the FOX. Is she familiar with the brouhaha over the Christie/bridge traffic scandal? She knows the created-traffic jam was political payback for the Mayor of Fort Lee refusing to support Governor Christie in his re-election bid . . . . and she feels fine with that. It's one of the perks of being Governor. You get to do stuff like that. If the Governor isn't allowed to block traffic onto the bridge then who can?

This reminds me . . . . Joe Biden once caused the closure of the George Washington Bridge and the Palisades Parkway during rush hour . . . my artery home and for thousands of others . . . to attend a fund raiser in Alpine, New Jersey, just south of Fort Lee. Check out my reportage of this from November 15, 2011 and November 16, 2011. Hey, FOX News, remember that? How ‘bout you, MSNBC? Christie was Governor then, too. Did he order those closings for Joe Biden? I'm still mad about that.

And there's another scandal . . . this time with "Elle" magazine. Mindy was euphoric when asked to appear on its cover and was thrilled how it came out. She says she never felt more beautiful. And then people started to get in her ear. The "Elle" cover of her is just her face in black and white. Why not a full-body? Why not in color. Many wrote on the Twitter and Facebook to express their outrage, but their defense of Mindy sounded pretty harsh. They wanted to see the "heavy" Mindy Kaling, full body! And that was supposed to make her feel better? Dave holds up the cover of "Elle". Dave calls it "stunningly beautiful."

Mindy Kaling, funny and beautiful, can be seen on "The Mindy Project," Tuesday nights at 9:30 on FOX.

ACT 4:
TOP TEN: UNUSUAL EXHIBITS AT THE BASEBALL HALL OF FAME --- Cooperstown, New York is the home of the Baseball Hall of Fame. It holds over 38,000 artifacts and exhibits. On Wednesday, they announced this year's player inductees:
Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, and Frank Thomas. Remember when Hall of Famers usually played their entire career with one team? Maybe two teams?
UNUSUAL EXHIBITS AT THE BASEBALL HALL OF FAME
10. Wee Willie Keeler's Mummified Willie.
7. Ted Williams' cryogenically frozen hat
6. Pin the cup on Sid Bream.

About Sid Bream . . . . One year, long after I was done collecting baseball cards, I bought a pack. I decided the first player I saw in the pack I would follow for the entire year. In 1992, the first guy I saw in the only pack of baseball cards I bought was Sid Bream of the Atlanta Braves. Not a bad guy to follow that year. In Game 7 of the National League Championship Series, Sid Bream scored the winning run on a perfect slide in the bottom of the 9th inning to win the game and series.

I was unsure what to put on tonight's Top Ten info card. We had hoped to get Maddux, Glavine, and Thomas here on the show but that fell through. If they were here, the info card would be easy. But we decided to keep with the Baseball Hall of Fame theme. I had to mention the players to be inducted because that's why the Hall of Fame was in the news, but the players were not the topic. The Hall of Fame was. And I didn't want to make it sound as if Maddux, Glavine, and Thomas were here. I included the "38,000 artifacts and exhibits" to bring our attention to the Hall of Fame and not the players elected in. They don't give this job to chimps . . . . though sometimes I think they can.

Tonight's installment into the Backstage Photo Club: Amy Rubin / Producer, Special Projects.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Catch Dave on Monday along with guests Bill Cosby, and Sleigh Bells. When we come back, a heartwarming story about a retired movie ticket-taker who still enjoys ripping paper."

ACT 6:
JEFF ALTMAN
Jeff enters and plays a beat on a set of drums, center stage. Impressive. Jeff is delighted to have the opportunity to play on the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater, accompanied by Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. Making a living as a comedian puts Jeff out on the road quite a bit, so it's not surprising to hear he's run into some problems when he stays at a hotel. It happens a lot more than he would like. There is nothing worse when you're tired and hungry and you run into a disgruntled hotel worker. Jeff plopped down the other day in his hotel room. He noticed a problem immediately. He phoned down to the desk and said, "I got a leak in the sink." The desk clerk said, "Fine, go ahead."
Jeff is a man of many facets. He's quite the impressionist. Dave asks for two examples of his talents. First, Dave asks for Rafael Nadal, the tennis star. I'm not sure what Nadal sounds like, but I'll take Jeff's word for it that it was spot on. And then Jeff does his college wrestling coach at Johns Hopkins, Hal Grolsh. If you're unsure what Coach Grolsh sounds like, stuff a jock strap in your mouth and try to talk. He sounds just like that.
And no visit would be complete if Jeff didn't do a bit of Nixon working as a sea bass at MarineLand. Jeff does his duty, at Dave's request, and says it was much funnier when he was doing that when he was 23.
Before saying goodbye, Jeff mentions the recent passing of his good friend and Dave's, Charlie Hill. We see a photo of Charlie Hill, a two-time guest here at the Late Show (1/09/04, #2103; and 8/03/06, #2612).
Catch more Jeff Altman as he will be appearing at the Tropicana Hotel's Laugh Factory in Las Vegas from January 24th through the 26th.

ACT 7:
RED FANG
From their current CD, "Whales and Leeches," Red Fang performed "Blood Like Cream."

And that was our show for Friday January 10, 2014.

I received an e-mail from my dear friend Carri from college the other day. We lived on the same floor freshman year at SUNY Cortland and she ended up marrying my roommate, Neale. I still think she is using him to get to me. Carri wrote that she and the family and friends were enjoying a holiday get-together around the dinner table. College talk came up. One of the youngers, a college freshman, is talking about his roommate. His roommate showered once a week and didn't change his sheets the whole semester. Somehow this made Carri and Neale think about me. She writes that I then became the topic of several stories about college roommates. Ahhh, success! I've been known to do some wild and crazy things in my day and college was the perfect stage for that. Most of the stuff I did I don't quite remember, but the stuff I do remember I would like to report that I was in complete control at all times. Antics and mayhem are to be practiced and celebrated in college, knowing full well that it would not be tolerated quite so readily in the life of business, maturity, and career. And most of the stuff I did was simply to produce a story, a memory, fun stuff to reminisce. And when I hear of friends from decades ago whom I haven't seen since the 80s talking about fun stuff that I . . . and them, too! . . . . stuff that we did and laughing at the memory, well, that was what it was all about.
I've calmed down some since then, but not so much to become a bore . . . . like the time I did a tumble-sault on the top of a crowded bar in nothing but my underpants. But that's a story for another day by someone with a better memory of how and why that happened. What I do remember was seeing a guy on the floor laughing his ass of . . . . and my thinking it was kind of tame.

And speaking of my freshman roommate, Neale . . . it's the summer of '77 following freshman year at college. He's at home at a bar with a friend in upstate Burnt Hills, New York. His buddy starts talking about the fun he is having in college. He's got a lot of stories to tell. Neale laughs and shares his tales. The friend talks about this crazy guy who does the nuttiest things, the craziest things, and always has the crowd up in a roar. Neale does the same. It becomes a game of topper. The back-and-forth stories go on and on and on. Whose friend was crazier? It was hard to tell. And then Neale gets a sudden, wide-eyed panic. Neale, now standing by his bar stool, asks, "Hold it! Where do you go to college?" Neale was almost afraid to hear the answer. Was it SUNY Fredonia, Neale thinks to himself? The guy says, "Fredonia." Neale manages to stammer out, "Is his last name . . . . McIntee?" The guy, shocked, shouts, "YES!" Neale was talking about me. The guy from Fredonia was talking about my brother.
Ta da!
I'm on my way to see Jerry Seinfeld tonight (Friday) at Eisenhower Hall at West Point. I pray I don't produce a story while I'm there.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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