Bill Cosby, and Sleigh Bells.
PLUS: Dave receives some texts; "60 Minutes"; North Korean sports fans; a scene from "Herrs"; a Top Ten list; and a Top Ten sponsor.
" . . . . and now, Omaha! Omaha! . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
-"Chris Christie scandal . . . it's being said he's unfit for office . . . so they widened the door."
-"When asked if this scandal could affect his decision about 2016, Christie said "We'll close that bridge when we come to it."
-"Alex Rodriguez and his use of performance enhancing drugs . . . . he's left behind more needles than my Christmas tree."
Text message . . . Dave gets a text message on his text machine. He takes a look. It reads: "Time for some giant rabbit problems in West Orange." Sounds like the message sent among the Christie staff, "Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee." This one reads: "Time for some giant rabbit problem in West Orange." West Orange is in New Jersey. We take a look at what's going on in West Orange. We see huge rabbits running amok in the streets of W.O., even biting citizens in the neck and about the body. Looks like another Jersey scandal.
The footage of the huge rabbits was from the film, "Night of the Lepus."
"60 Minutes" is all over this A-Rod thing. Scott Pelley spent some time with A-Rod's alleged supplier of performance enhancing drugs. We take a look at a bit of the interview.
PELLEY: "What were the various banned substances that he was taking?"
SKEEVY SUPPLIER: "I injected him with human growth hormone, insulin growth Factor 1, peptides, testosterone, estrogen, squid ink, paint thinner, WD-40, maple syrup, . . . . Pert Plus Shampoo and Conditioner, mustard . . . . Dijon mustard, root beer, Aqua Velva, brake fluid . . ."
A bit later, we listen in on what else the skeevy supplier injected into the A-Rod: " . . . . brake fluid, baby oil, Tabasco Sauce, Lysol, diesel fuel, bathroom caulk, borscht, wood glue, aerosol cheese, fabric softener. . ."
Sky News released footage of the basketball game between Dennis Rodman's team and the North Korean team, which brings us to a segment called, "North Korean Sports Fans / American Sports Fans." We take a look.
ART CARD: "NORTH KOREAN SPORTS FANS / AMERICAN SPORTS FANS."
ANNOUNCE: "North Korean sports fans."
We see a stadium filled with North Koreans sitting silently and without emotion, like fans sitting right behind home plate at Yankee Stadium
ANNOUNCE: "American sports fans."
We see a clip of sports fans misbehaving terribly at stadia in the U.S., like fans at any game in Philadelphia.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'North Korean Sports Fans / American Sports Fans.' "
Scarlett Johansson was on the show last week promoting her new film, "Her." There's been a lot of positive chatter about the film and there is already a sequel in the works. We take a look at this promo:
ANNOUNCE: "From the people who brought you ‘Her,' the story of a man who falls in love with an operating system . . . . . "
Cut to a Joaquiin Phoenix scene: "I've never loved anyone the way I love you."
ANNOUNCE: "It's the story of a guy who falls in love..."
Cut to Dave in a kitchen setting, holding a bag of pretzels.
DAVE: "I love you so much!"
ANNOUNCE: " . . . with a bag of pretzels."
The bag of pretzels is by the Herrs brand.
DAVE: "Did you ever meet my friend, Root Beer?"
Dave introduces his bag of Herrs pretzels to a two-liter bottle off root beer soda.
ANNOUNCE: "In theaters this summer."
You'll probably see this promoted during the Super Bowl.
Congratulations to Janet Yellen, the first woman to be confirmed as Chairperson of the Federal Reserve. We have her LIVE via satellite to ask her a few questions.
We see Ms. Yellen sitting in a chair counting coins from her purse. Dave asks her a bevy of questions to which she does not answer. She's too focused on the coins in her purse. I actually like that. Seems as if she'll take the job at hand very seriously. Dave continues to ask; Yellen continues to ignore.
Anything else injected into A-Rod? " . . brake fluid, baby oil, Tabasco Sauce . . ."
TOP TEN – with a sponsor!
ALAN announces over video: "Tonight's Top Ten is sponsored by URO-club, the discreet, sanitary way to relieve yourself on the golf course. The URO-club looks like an ordinary 7 iron, but contains a hidden reservoir that can hold over 3 and half quarts of urine! That's twice the volume commonly urinated! Order now, and receive a free privacy towel. Back to you, Frogface."
Do you really need the URO-club? Do what I do . . . intentionally slice into the woods. Take care of business there.
TOP TEN: ODD HABITS OF NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO
The Mayor was seen eating a pizza with a knife and fork. Dave isn't impressed with the new mayor. Dave likes Bloomberg; he liked Giuliani. I think Dave will end up liking De Blasio once he's out of office, sort of like how sports fans boo a guy out of the city and then rejoice when he comes back for Old Timers Game.
ODD HABITS OF NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO
7. Prefers to write emails long hand.
6. Refers to tonight's guest, Bill Cosby, as Bill De Cosbio.
4. Uses chopsticks to drive.
Dr. Cos enters to some soft sax music. He crosses to greet Dave, then returns to a stool at center stage. Says the Bill referring to the music, "When you get to my age, this is good stuff!" He then, off the top of his head, Bill goes on for a couple minutes about soft sax music. Bill sits and reminds Paul what they talked about earlier. Paul is to play Bill off when the time comes. The time on the clock was predetermined. Paul is to start playing when the time comes no matter where Bill is in the story.
Bill is a grandfather of a 5-year-old and Bill wants to do something special for his birthday. He wanted to get a piñata for the birthday party. Bill went to a Spanish store for the piñata. Bill admits to not speaking Spanish. He meets a very nice lady. The woman asks Bill, in English, how he is doing. Bill answer: "Buenos Dias." She then responded in Spanish at a thousand words a minute. He understood nothing. When she finished, all Bill could think of saying . . the only other thing he knew how to say in Spanish, was "Feliz Navidad." He bought the piñata, then went to another store for the rope and sticks to finish the job. The kids loved it. The kids went a whacking and a whacking. They kept at it, hoping to be the one to burst it open. And then this kid got up there . . . . and then Paul started playing. We never found out what the kid did. Bill gets up and walks over and takes a seat with Dave.
Dave says how popular Bill's comedy albums were back in the day of his growing up. Even to this day, 50 years later, the Bill Cosby comedy albums continue to be the best-selling comedy albums out there. Bill says albums are pretty much a thing of the past, and is merely competing against himself in sales.
Bill went to Temple University . . but did not graduate. He got there via the Navy. Bill was in the Navy and on his very first day, we was awoken at 0-4-30 hours. That's 4:30 in the morning. Right then he knew this Navy stuff was not for him. But he admits his years in the Navy did great things for him. It taught him discipline and the rewards of hard work. He attended Temple on a track scholarship. He says the University was impressed with his running acumen, a talent he picked up when running from the Navy after his military obligation was fulfilled. Bill says he wasn't the best student. When taking the SATs, he went by a bit of advice given to him: every third answer is "C". He ended up getting a 500 . . . . . . combined. I think the G.I. Bill for Cosby stood for, "Gee, I . . . . don't know." His 6th grade teacher described him this way: "Bill has a quiet way of not listening." And in June in high school, you could always tell which was Bill's text book because when it was time to turn the book back in, it still made noise when you opened it.
Before saying goodbye, Bill shares this joke told by Jack Benny many years ago. It always stayed with him. Jack Benny was performing at the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas. Jack says, "May I have my violin, please." An old, dull guy came on stage walking slowly with Jack's violin. He gives Jack the violin, and then slowly exits. Benny lets the guy walk off. The entire audience watches the guy exit. There is a lull in the performance. Jack then turns to the audience and says, "I keep him with me because we have the same type blood."
Want more Bill? The legend will be performing at the Crown Theater in Fayetteville, North Carolina on January 17th and at the Birmingham Jefferson Convention Complex in Birmingham, Alabama on the 18th.
Tonight's installment into the Backstage Photo Club: it's Tom "Bones" Malone.
ANNOUNCE: "The train keeps rolling tomorrow with Dave and his guests Michael Strahan, and Jennifer Nettles. Winter's tough on these old bones. I'm referring, of course, to my collection of human skeletons."
What's this? Dave's got another text message. Looking at his text machine, we read: "Time for some bee problems in Paramus."
We turn on our camera we fortunately have in Paramus. We see a swarm of bees exit their tree hive and attack an innocent couple out trying to enjoy a picnic. The bees react like bees on honey. They eat the picnic-ers alive. But what is most surprising . . . . a picnic in Paramus in January?
SLEIGH BELLS: From their CD, "Bitter Rivals, " Sleigh Bells performed "Young Legends."
And that was our show for Monday, January 13, 2014.
I pitched this joke the other day . . . just in case we needed something quick and easy for later in the show. Dave is excited to have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie here to give his side of the story. You never know, maybe he forgot to say something during his hour and 47 minute press conference on Thursday. Dave introduces Christie . . . but there is no Christie. Dave says he thinks we can all see where this is going. He introduces Christie again. Intro music from Paul but again, no Christie. What's going on? Biff enters from the guest entrance and says the Governor can't make it; he's stuck in traffic. Fanfare from Paul and the band. Dave throws to commercial.
BUZZ. Didn't make the cut. Not sure if it even made consideration.
I went to see Jerry Seinfeld at West Point on Friday night. I really have to spend the day up at The Point soon. There is so much history, so much to see, so much to learn, and it's only about 35 minutes from me. The show opened with Larry Miller, and then came Seinfeld. He did about an hour and a half talking about nothing; just everyday unfascinating stuff we see in our lives that we never give much mind. In fact, I don't think he ever got past his lunch time. He spent an hour and a half talking about his day and he never even got to lunch. All very very funny. Unfortunately, from where I was sitting way upstairs at Eisenhower Hall, Jerry looked like Matt Lauer.
I went to see Seinfeld years ago in the Berkshire Mountains in Massachusetts. This was before he was anybody. I had seen him on Carson a few times and liked him. When Denise and I got to our weekend getaway, I saw he would be performing nearby. I went to the box office to buy some tickets. There was a line at the window. Stop and go, stop and go, stop and go. An hour passes and I'm next. The woman at the window apologizes and says the show is sold out. I missed by one. She says to come back in three hours as more tickets may be going on sale. I come back in two. There is a line. I get on. I wait. The window opens. Stop and go, stop and go, stop and go. My turn. The woman at the window apologizes and says the show is sold out. I missed again by one. As the woman was telling me the show was sold out, she recognized who I was. She was barely able to finish giving me the bad news. She was upset and very apologetic. By this time I wasn't really in the mood to see Seinfeld anymore anyway. I told her not to worry about it, that all was not for naught. At least I got a story out of it.
Peyton Manning . . . late 4th quarter with 3 minutes to play . . . Broncos up by 7 with the ball but the Chargers have the momentum. It's 3rd and 17. The Chargers on the verge of taking over and perhaps tying the game thought by many they had already lost. And Manning throws a 21-yard completion for a first down. Huge play. But it could have been disastrous for Manning. One of the all-time great quarterbacks has played spotty in his biggest games. This was a big game; a big play. His 21-yard first down completion on 3rd and 17 helped ice the game. BUT . . . the guy was wide open. The throw was too close to the out-of-bounds. The receiver kept his toes in by inches. If he had caught the ball out of bounds when he was wide open, the Chargers would have taken over. Manning's pass and his history of playoff performances would have been analyzed down to the finest thread. But it was completed for a first down . . . by inches . . . and no one thinks of what might have been for Peyton Manning.
And any chance the Carolina Panthers had of a late 4th quarter comeback from 23-10 against the San Francisco 49ers were dashed when one of their players took a swing at a 49er AFTER the play was over for an Unnecessary Roughness penalty. A 4th down punting situation was made into a 1st and ten for the 49ers and game over. Boy, how I liked that. I like when dumb loses.
Oh, and I hate it when the camera goes away from the field to show someone on the sidelines . . . but here I really wanted to see the guy who got called for unnecessary roughness. I wanted to see some more reaction of his teammates to his dumbness. I wanted to see how understanding they were.
Michael Z. McIntee