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Thursday, January 16, 2014 Police official Jimmy Philbin distributes omelets from Justin Bieber's house.
Show #3968
Brian Williams, and Rosanne Cash.
PLUS: A Young Chris Christie; Best Picture Nominees; the Bieber/Egg Scandal; a Phone Call from the Jersey Governor; and a Top Ten List.

" . . . . and now, a burst of flavor in every bite . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:
- "Major League Baseball has suspended Yankee 3rd baseman for the 2014 season for his past use of performance enhancing drugs. A-Rod says he's looking forward to a rest, both mentally and physically. I thought he got plenty of rest during the playoffs."
- "Pope Francis has announced 19 new Cardinals, and 3 more late night talk show hosts."

During the monologue, Dave skipped a joke . . . . but you may not know that he went back to it. That joke:
"Chris Christie will conduct his own review of the lane closures on the George Washington Bridge. He said of upcoming review, 'I hope to find out I don't know anything about this.'"
And that's why you read the Wahoo Gazette . . . for information like this. Or that's why you used to read it. I'm not sure if you still read it.

We thought we could get to know more about what happened in Jersey if we knew more about Chris Christie. What was he like as a kid? We take a look some old family footage of a young Chris Christie. We see a ravenous young Christie doing quick work on a bowl of cereal. He shovels in the cereal down his gullet, finishing the box of Life. He then slams the bowl down and hollers, "I need pancakes!"
Yup, that should lead to a better understanding of the Jersey bridge scandal.

The Academy Award nominations were announced this morning. They nominate a lot more films in the Best Picture category than they used to. We take a look at this morning's announcement of this year's Best Picture nominees.
ANNOUNCE: "The nominations for Best Picture are: 'American Hustle,' 'The Wolf of Wall Street,' 'Gravity,' 'The Roofer,' 'Diagnosis Conjunctivitis,' 'Yams of Glory,' 'Not Without My Ostrich,' 'E Pluribus Larry,' 'The Lunchmeat Diaries,' 'Gratuitous Nudity: The Movie,' 'Roman Numerals II,' and 'Nut Punchers.' Congratulations to all the nominees."
I thought "E Pluribus Larry" was too preachy. And "Yams of Glory" too much like a TV Movie.

Police found cocaine at Justin Bieber's house while investigating him for allegedly throwing eggs at this neighbor's house. We take a look at the official statement from the police.
We see a police official at a lectern addressing the media over the Justin Bieber/egg-tossing scandal.
POLICE OFFICIAL: "The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department conducted a search of Mr. Bieber's residence. During that search, we found several dozen eggs. We also found cheddar cheese, green peppers, onions, ham, and cocaine . . . . so we made some really, really good omelets. Any questions?"
A reporter calls out, ""Where are the omelets now?"
POLICE OFFICIAL: "I got some right here. Hold on, folks." The official starts handing out plates of delicious Bieber omelets to the reporters.
That's EVIDENCE! He's giving out evidence to the news reporters! No wonder nobody is ever convicted in California.
For your records: Playing the role of the Police Official: Late Show security Jimmy Philbin. The voice calling out, "Where are the omelets now?" Stage manager Eddie Valk.

ACT 2:
Hey, guess who we pretend to have on the phone? New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
Dave picks up the phone.
DAVE: "Hello, Mr. Governor. Thank you for taking the time to chat on the phone."
CHRISTIE: "Happy to be back, David."
DAVE: "So, how've you been?"
CHRISTIE: "I'm not going sit here and sugar-coat the last couple weeks. They've been tough."
DAVE: "Well, you really have gotten yourself into quite a bit of trouble, haven't you?"
CHRISTIE: "Shut up."
DAVE: "Uh, huh. You know, Governor, I was on the bridge the first day of the big traffic tie-up. It was . . .
CHRISTIE: "Shut up."
DAVE: "Um, OK. Now, I know you won't say whether you'll run for president, but where do you see yourself in 2016?"
CHRISTIE: "Dairy Queen."
DAVE: "Right. I know we've been making a lot of jokes about you recently. Have you been watching our show?"
CHRISTIE: (with a laugh) "I think it's hysterical."
DAVE: "That's great! So, you think it's pretty funny?"
CHRISTIE: "Absolutely not."
DAVE: "Oh . . . so . . . what do you plan to do now?"
CHRISTIE: "I'm going to the Governor's Residence. Going to go upstairs. Going to open a beer. Going to order a pizza. And I'm going watch the Mets." (dohhhh! Almost sounded just like me . . . right up to the end)
DAVE: "Well, that sounds like fun, but you realize it's football season?"
CHRISTIE: "Shut up." Hangs up --- dial tone.
DAVE: "Governor Chris Christie, ladies and gentlemen."
Dave is angry he forgot to ask him about his cholesterol.

TOP TEN: THINGS THE 100-YEAR-OLD WOMAN SAID TO HER STRIPPER
Monday night in England, a great-great-grandmother hired a male stripper to perform at her 100th birthday party.
Dave thinks this is nothing but prostitution. She's hiring a male stripper for sexual pleasure. Paul disagrees. He sees it as a theatrical presentation. What this man is doing is a big difference.

Things the 100-Year-Old Woman Said To Her Stripper
10. "Nice and slow so I don't drop dead"
9. "Take it all off -- then leave it and I'll iron it for you"
8. "Are you here to fix the Victrola?"
7. "Let's take a photo for Willard Scott"
6. "Is that a giant, pink scarf?"
5. "Mind if I remove my compression stockings?"
4. "Bingo!"
3. "There's been a mistake -- I said I need slippers"
2. "There's been a mistake -- I said I need slippers"
1. "Sorry, I thought that was a grab bar"

Personally, I don't like going to strip joints. I'm always afraid I'll be caught looking.

ACT 3:
BRIAN WILLIAMS
In a recent poll, a significant number of people in America believe Brian Williams to be the Vice President. Not sure if that was determined by name or by photo. By a photo, maybe . . . . . . just maybe I could understand people being that dim. If they thought so by name, then . . . . . I don't know. I'm trying to come up with a funny line but it's just too depressing to think about.
Mr. Williams says it may be due to the media fragmentation in America today. The position of the network news anchor doesn't carry the weight it once did. Too many news outlets today. Dave advises Brian not to hide his light under a bushel. There are only 3 network news anchors out there: Williams, Scott Pelley, and Diane Sawyer. Are the three of them friends? Is there some kind of bond among them? Brian says on the surface they are all quite friendly and recognize their union, but behind the scenes they compete like badgers.

What's Brian's take on the Jersey Governor and the Bridge thing? Could Williams' staff do something like shutting down a bridge without his knowledge? Williams says it would not be possible. If his staff shut down a bridge, he would know about it. And the same is true in the Christie Administration. This scandal was escalated and it is still just getting started, according to BriWi. Right now, his Deputy Chief of Staff Brigid Anne Kelly is getting the blame. Christie claims, "She lied to me." She can now be found lying flat under the Chris Christie bus.
Brian Williams feels as if there is a lot more to come; Dave feels this is "Justin Beiber stuff," a minor scandal that is simple entertainment during the chilly months. Causing a traffic delay on the George Washington Bridge doesn't matter to people in Peoria. We will see. Still, according to Brian Williams, "I wouldn't trade his problems . . . ." and then he waits for Dave and Paul to join in. Williams looks over to Paul, who invites Brian to continue. Brian finishes, along with Paul " . . . with a monkey on a rock." Dave apologizes for not picking up the ground ball. He missed it. Brian can't understand how Dave did not see that coming, wondering how obvious he would have to be for Dave to notice the line. Dave asks if we could try it again and then fix it after the show to make it look clean and seamless. Dave had one problem with Brian's delivery. The wording just wasn't right. Dave scribbles the correct line onto a blue card and hands it to Brian. They try again. I was hoping all this would stay in. Watching at home later that night, I was delighted to see it was all kept in. Dave and Mr. Williams pick up where they left off. Dave talks about Christie's future and doesn't think much will come of this recent problem. Williams responds and then gets to it, "But I wouldn't trade his troubles. . . ." Dave sighs a groan . . . or groans a sigh. What's wrong? Brian didn't quite get it right again. The problem is the word "trade." He got "troubles" right instead of "problems, but it's not "trade" . . . it's "give" . . . . "give his troubles." They try again. Mr. Williams, "But I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock." DING!

Brian will be leaving shortly to cover the Olympics for NBC. It's always a big story, the Olympics, but even bigger since it's being held in Russia. Just for the security concerns alone makes it a global story. How long Brian and the Nightly News will stay there is still up in the air. It'll be a game-time decision.

Brian Williams is looking forward to reporting the NBC Nightly News from Russia while NBC covers the Winter Olympics from Sochi. The reason for the News to be there is because it is "a global event." I think Williams is looking forward to it simply for the free NBC Winter Olympic jacket.

Do you think they'll show any figure skating at the year's Olympics?

The Tonight Show is returning to New York to be led by Jimmy Fallon. Dave fears that this may be Brian Williams's last visit to the Late Show. The Tonight Show will be taped in the same building as the NBC Nightly News. Could this be the end of Rico? Williams assures there is enough of him for everybody. But Dave wants exclusivity. Williams has been here more than there, and he hopes to keep it that way. There is an upcoming interview with Fallon on Williams, and Dave wants to be a part of that. It'll be something for all of us to wait and see.

Before bidding him adieu, Dave asks for some Regis. Brian Williams is one of the best, if not THE best at doing Regis Philbin . . . even better than Regis.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Get back here tomorrow for Dave and Don Cheadle, comedian Myq Kaplan, and Roadkill Ghost Choir. When we come back, an exclusive look at which vegetables Hollywood A-listers keep in their refrigerator crisper drawers."

ACT 7:
ROSANNE CASH
From her new album, "The River and The Thread," the great Rosanne Cash performed "A Feather's Not A Bird."

And that was our show for Thursday January 16, 2014.

Chris Christie's Deputy Chief of Staff Brigid Anne Kelly has been targeted as the one to blame in this George Washington Bridge mess . . . blamed by Chris Christie. Which reminds me of a story. Old family story. There was a relative who worked with some supposedly shady characters many years ago. He was a bit of the outsider among the insiders. His role was never quite defined, but if anything became public and someone would have to go to prison for the questionable business practices, it was understood that he . . . . the relative . . . . he would be the guy to take the fall. He knew it, they knew it, it was understood. It was all part of doing business. I wonder if Brigid Anne Kelly holds a similar position in the Christie Administration. And it makes me wonder if every rising and powerful politician has a lackey standing by just in case.

Sitting on Chris Christie's desk is a sign that reads, "The Buck Stops Over There."

I have no real problem with Christie, probably because he's Jersey and I'm New York. The traffic thing I have a problem with because it cost me some time one day. I don't remember the lane closures covering four days. But what does bother me with Christie was the special election for U.S. Senator of New Jersey he held three weeks before the general election this past November. The October 16th election was to fill the seat of the recently deceased Senator Lautenberg. Why not have the election in November when Jersey-ites would be going to the polls anyway? Rumor has it that it would hurt Christie's polling numbers for Governor if a popular Democrat was also on the ballot for Senator. The October special election ended up costing New Jersey $24 million.
But if you're going to use the above in an argument against Christie, please verify the above on other websites. I'm just vamping. My facts may not be all that factual. But if I think it, I imagine others do, too.

The bottom of my foot hurts and I'm going to blame it on sugar. Candy has been abundant at the show lately and I've been taking advantage. I sort of remember hearing that sugar could cause lots of problems to your joints. As soon as the chocolates are gone around here, I'm going to stop eating it and see if it makes a difference. No, I'm not worried about diabetes . . . . yet. I probably should, though.

Attention, Radio Station General Managers: There's another commercial on the radio that I can't switch off fast enough. The "Kars for Kids" jingle and PSA is grating to the ears and toxic to the nerves. As soon as I hear the first few cymbal notes, I'm pushing the radio button to another station. I'll stay there until they play it. A new commercial that irks my nerves starts with, "You can't see me because I'm on the radio, and I can't see you because I'm blind." I think it has something to do with sleep problems. Over the holiday break when I had more time to sit by the radio, I was amazed at how often these two commercials come on . . . and how quickly I turn them off. I've heard from others that I'm not the only one.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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Ricky Gervais
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