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Tuesday, January 21, 2014 Nancy Agostini-Kim gives Jay Thomas a run for his money.
Show #3970
Andy Samberg, Michael B. Jordan, and Elle Goulding.
PLUS: Queen Elizabeth; Dave a Non-Essential?; the 49er/Seahawk Game; Dennis Rodman's Replacement; the Christie Address; a Top Ten List; and Fun with Snowballs.

" . . . . and now, with the posture of an ergonomic shove . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:
- "New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had his 2nd inauguration today. The governor was sworn in . . . . . he put his right hand on a menu."
- "Some Super Bowl tickets are going for a million dollars. But it comes with a nice warm knitted wool hat that has written across the front is the word, 'Jackass'

Queen Elizabeth is handing over much of her royal duties to Prince Charles. The job has really taken a toll on her. We take a look at how she's handing the stress. We see the Queen out on her balcony enjoying a smoke.

And speaking of foreign leaders, we decide to take a look at a shirtless Vladimir Putin montage. Perhaps you remember it?

Back from that fun clip, we find Supervising Producer Kathy Mavrikakis standing alongside Dave.
DAVE: "Oh, hi, Kathy. It's Kathy Mavrikakis. Can I help you with something?"
KATHY: "Because of the snow storm, CBS has decided to send all non-essential employees home early . . . . . . so you can go now."
DAVE: "Well . . . I . . . you know . . . . . we're right in the middle of the show. I promise to leave as soon as it's done."
KATHY: "Listen! I'll be back in ten minutes, and you better be gone." Exits.
DAVE: "I'm pretty sure, as far as CBS is concerned, I'm nonessential whether it's snowing or not."

Hey! Dave whistles like a loon! He hasn't done that in some time. I add it here just for my records, though I don't really see us using that shot in the future for anything.

Did you watch the San Francisco 49ers/Seattle Seahawks NFC championship game on Sunday? 49er fans are griping about the questionable calls the referees made against their team. Dave isn't one to blame the referees, but he thinks the 49ers and their fans may have a point. We take a look.
We see a Seattle Seahawk rush for a couple yards from the 35 yard line. A referee runs in and signals, "Touchdown!" Coach Harbaugh is irate, and rightfully so. Can you imagine?!

Dennis Rodman visited North Korea's Kim Jong-Un last week, but some question Mr. Rodman's sensibilities. We take a look at Dennis Rodman's recent interview. The Rod-man is shouting out nonsense. We've since learned that he has checked himself into an alcohol-rehabilitation facility. But not to worry. Dennis Rodman has found the perfect replacement to carry on his North Korean diplomacy while he's away.
We cut to Seattle Seahawks Richard Sherman post-game rant.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie gave his annual State of the State Address last week. Did you notice something odd? We take a look.
As the Governor is speeching, his personal chef carves him a nice slab of roast beef and hands him a plate . . . . WHILE HE'S GIVING THE STATE OF THE STATE! Can you imagine?!

ACT 2:
Snow outside . . . so let's bring it in! Dave has a pile of snow balls in a bucket on his desk. Dave wants to throw them but an arm injury that won't go away will not permit him. He calls Producer, Nancy, over from the podium. She volunteered after Dave ordered her. The Philadelphian does the chore. Her target: Aaron Heick's saxophone. Her first toss goes a little far, but that was mostly to gauge. Her next throw hit just the right note, settling nicely into the horn.
Nancy takes the early lead as the Jay Thomas fill-in if he can't do the Holiday Quarterback Challenge next year.
Dave does the underhand toss at various targets among the band. He could have been scolded for his throwing snowballs in the house, but . . . . it's his house.

TOP TEN: With a sponsor!
ALAN announce: "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by the Adams Novelty Company, makers of popular joke items such as the joy buzzer, the bug in the ice cube and the exploding whale!" (we wait for it . . . we wait for it . . . and then the beached whale explodes!) "Surprise your friends! A great gag gift! Back to you, lardass."

I once slipped a "bug in the ice cube" into a friend's drink at a volunteer firehouse dinner. Talk about a joke that went much better than expected! The guy saw it and immediately ran up to the bartender. I quickly gathered a crowd to follow. The guy explodes at the barkeep, demanding an apology for what he found in his ice cube. The bartender looked in the glass and muttered, "Hey, ass'jp;r', it's a fake ice cube." Boy, the fun we volunteers had!

TOP TEN RECENTLY ADOPTED METEOROLOGICAL TERMS
10. Chris Christie-esque Belt of High Pressue
9. A Desolation of Smog
8. Global Moistening
7. Oprah-and-Gayle Warning
6. Low Visibility in San Antonio
5. Fahrenheit, Celsius, and Mild Celsius
4. Drizzle-Izzle
3. Premarital-Cipitation
2. Premarital-Cipitation
1. Michelle-Obama-Stare Icing

ACT 3:
The one thing Dave doesn't like about big snows in New York City is there is always one guy who feels the need to take out his cross country skis and ski down the street. And then the next day, guaranteed, he's on the front page of the New York Times. (note: I check the Times Wednesday morning. Nothing on the front page. In the local section, snow/street scenes but no cross country skiers)

ANDY SAMBERG
He's a big-shot now! Congratulations to Mr. Samberg. He's winning awards and everything. He admits to being shocked to win a Golden Globe, and no one doubts him. He flummoxed through his acceptance speech, juiced on by the free drink. You know, no matter how successful you become, no matter how rich you get, there is nothing like free drinks. Andy now stars in a Barney Miller-like, city detective show, "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" and it's the hot new comedy. Andy is here tonight with the glasses. Dave approves. And not only does Andy have eyeglasses, he's also recently got married. He and his wife honeymooned in the quickly vanishing Maldives. The place be sinking. Andy recommends everyone who can, should go . . . . quick!
The "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" is on Tuesday nights at 8:30. It's on a special night . . . a real special night . . . it'll be on right after the Super Bowl. The show will get big numbers simply from the people who have fallen asleep. And then after the Super Bowl, the show moves to Tuesdays at 9:30 on the FOX.

ACT 4:
We take a look at the lovely snowfall out on Broadway. And who enters the view but Andy Samberg making his way home on cross country skis. Dave is concerned the cold and the snow will ruin Andy's new glasses.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Make it back here tomorrow for Dave and his guests Martin Scorsese, and Allison Williams. Send your entries to: 'Contest Without A Topic,' care of the Late Show, 1697 Broadway, New York, New York, 10019. Good luck!"

ACT 6:
MICHAEL B. JORDAN
From Newark, New Jersey. Michael B. is proud to say, "I made it out!" This isn't the first time Michael has been on the show. He was on back on July 17, 1997. He was just a kid. We take a look at a clip of a piece we called, "The Letterman Family" (July 17, 1997) which featured Michael B. Jordan as one of the many kids, because Dave loves the kids and the kids love Dave. This was Michael's first professional acting gig. From here he went on to do the Cosby show, The Wire, Friday Night Lights, Parenthood, and in the Sundance hit "Fruitvale Station." And his name has been bandied about as possibly being a part of "Star Wars 7"; the Richard Pryor story, "Is It Something I Said"; the "Fantastic Four" as the Human Torch, "Independence 2," and "Creed" playing Apollo Creed's grandson in a film with Sylvester Stallone's Rocky Balboa. Things are looking good for Michael B, and it all started here. He's now in "That Awkward Moment" with the Zac Efron. In the clip, Michael B. takes a Viagra pill which he is told is a mint. And then the fun begins.
"That Awkward Moment" - opens January 31st.

ACT 7:
ELLIE GOULDING
From her CD, "Halcyon Days," Ellie Goulding performed "Burn." Dave whispers to the lass, "You can see right through your shirt."

And that was our show for Tuesday January 21, 2014. "That Awkward Moment" - That awkward moment when throngs gather and realize he's not THAT Michael Jordan. Yes, the Wahoo Gazette . . . . telling jokes millions have already told. The Big Snow --- it was supposed to start around noon on Tuesday and finish at 6 AM Wednesday. But I was already battling the snow on my 7:30 AM drive in on Tuesday. I'll likely be staying the night here in NYC. My daughter works at a supermarket. Before picking her up Monday night, I did some grocery shopping. As dads tend to do, I bought a lot of "fun" snack stuff, much to the chagrin of the family members in this house of dieters. I defended my sweet purchases as something to munch while they are tucked inside all day during the impending snowstorm. They then agreed not to blame me. My motives were honorable. And then we opened the goodies and finished it all by sleep-time. Then it became my fault again. Guess who moved to the top of the list as a future NFL commentator? Richard Sherman. Congratulations to the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks for making it to the Super Bowl. The Seahawks were made an early favorite, but the Bronco bettors made that flip-flop as an influx of money on Denver moved the spread and made the Broncos the favorite. This is how gambling works. Bookies hate to gamble. They want the sure thing. When they made the Seahawks the favorite, too much money came in on the Broncos. The bookies had to adjust the point spread to make an equal amount of money coming in for the Seahawks and the Broncos. When you lose the bet, you have to pay a "vig" which is 10% of your bet. If you bet $1000 and win, you get $1000. If you bet $1000 and lose, you pay out $1100. The "vig" is how the bookies make their money, on the losers' 10%. So, if they take in $100,000 for the Seahawks and $100,000 bet on the Broncos, no matter the outcome they will make $10,000. It's a sure-thing. No gambling involved on their part. Of course, when the point spread fluctuates, that can cause the bookie some problems but that's getting too much for me to explain here. Ask a friend who dabbles in such. He'll explain, then tell you a story about how he lost a bet he should have won 7 years ago on a missed extra point or something. Oh, and if you're thinking of placing a bet . . . . I'd wait another week until we get an idea of the weather here in the New York . . . . I mean, New Jersey. Wind and snow will mean Peyton Manning's abilities will be lessened. But then, everyone knows that and the big bettors will make their bets based on that. My hunch: Bet the Seahawks now while they are the underdog and hope for terrible weather. Right now: Monday Morning --- The Broncos are up to a 2 point favorite. Great finish to the 49er/Seahawk game, but . . . . . Please . . . please . . . don't tell any of my friends . . . I was watching "Downton Abbey" at the time. Hey, I watch just so I have something to talk about with my wife. Wednesday morning: Stayed the night here in the city. Shoveled out my car in the morning; went back to the hotel to shower. Made it to work at 8:00 AM.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Medal of Honor Recipient, Staff Sgt. Ryan Pitts
Sharon Van Etten

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Wednesday, July 16
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