Sign In to CBS
With Social Account
With Email
Don't have an account? Create one for FREE!
Sign Up
Search By Date
M T W Th F
Thursday, January 23, 2014 Costume designer Sue Hum offers Dave a hot toddy.
Show #3972
Rachel Maddow, Spike Jonze, and No Age.
PLUS: Who Will Translate for Tanaka?; the Winter X Games; Sue Hum with a Hot Toddy; a Top Ten List; and Bieber and Ford Stuff.

" . . . . and now, the subject of an unauthorized autobiography . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
- "A New York City club installed a 25-foot stripper pole. The only bigger slide down a poll is Chris Christie."
- "Justin Bieber is in big trouble. During a police search, the found concealed 2 cartons of eggs."
- "Justin Bieber has been arrested for drag racing. Justin's friend in the car was also arrested for DWI . . . .Driving With an Idiot."

The New York Yankees signed Japanese pitching sensation Masahiro Tanaka for a little bit more than what I make. He'll need a translator to count his money. But do you know who really needs a translator? This guy.
We cut to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford mumbling and rambling about something at a Canadian Steak Queen.

The Winter X Games are under way on the ESPN. Bad news: The Flying Tomato Shaun White dropped out to prepare for the Olympics. ESPN made this announcement to address the issue.
ANNOUNCER: "Hey, Winter X Games fans, even though Shaun White, The Flying Tomato, won't be participating in this year's games, we'll still have plenty of thrilling action, thanks to competitors like The Airborne Arugula, The Soaring Turnip, The Galloping Rhubarb, The Bolting Bok Choy, The Leaping Cauliflower, The Hurtling Lentil, The Swooping Radicchio, The Flapping Cabbage, The Gliding Asparagus, The Fluttering Bell Pepper, The Towering Yam, The Sizzling Parsnip, The Hovering Habanero, The Flipping Artichoke, The Blistering Rutabaga, The Electric Onion, The Floating Shallot, The Swinging Squash, The Catapulting Pea, The Squatting Spinach and The Aerial Pinto Bean.
The Winter X Games on ESPN. Be there!"

I think I had a lot of those at Applebee's.

Hey, it's our costume designer Sue Hum. This is always interesting. She is all snug and warm in winter gear. She is holding a hot cup of sumptin.
DAVE: "Oh, hi, Sue. It's our costume designer, Sue Hum. Nice to see you. Boy, it's cold out there now, isn't it? What can I do for you, Sue?"
SUE: "I have a nice hot toddy here for you."
DAVE: "Why thank you, Sue, but we're right in the middle of the show. It's not a very good time."
(wait for it . . . wait for it . . .)
SUE: "It's very cold out, and this will warm you up."
(not yet . . . )
DAVE: "Uh huh.
SUE: "It's made of hot Irish whiskey, wildflower honey, and freshly-ground cinnamon and cloves."
DAVE: "Yes, and I can smell it. Thank you again. It's lovely, but you know, I don't drink. I'm sorry. I can't . . . "
(now? No . . . . wait for it.)
SUE: "Why not?"
DAVE: "Well, I've had a little problem with overdoing it. I can't . . . no, thank you. I don't think so. It's not for me." (
SUE: "I hate you, and my family hates you!" Sue exits.
(ahh, there it is.)

Justin, Justin, Justin . . . what are we going to do with you besides deport you? He's been on a bad run of problems. There was that monkey thing in German; he insulted Ann Frank, he had those whore in Brazil, he egged his neighbor's house causing $20,000 in damage . . . . even Lindsay Lohan is concerned. You know who might be able to talk some sense into him?
We cut to footballer Richard Sherman's rant at the end of the Seahawk/49er game.

And what show would be complete without referencing Rob Ford too many times? We take a look at what he's up to in Toronto. We see Mayor Ford making his way through a maze of media as he tries to get into his office. He's like a car accident that keeps on happening.

ACT 2:
10. Out of options, Bieber seeks asylum in Russia.
4. Bieber, Kardashian married.
3. Bieber, Kardashian finalize divorce.
2. Mayor Rob Ford names Bieber Chief of Police.

ACT 3:
What's the deal with Christie and the George Washington Bridge? Is this something? Or will it fade away in a couple months? Dave thinks it'll disappear by Labor Day. And the accusation of his withholding Superstorm Sandy relief funds from Hoboken sounds like Chicago politics. Rachel mentions that downtrodden Jersey City was also on Christie's "fix it" list. In his campaign he promised he was going to pour money into the city and put it on the track to recovery. When the Christie was told he wouldn't be receiving an endorsement from the mayor, he closed up shop and that was the last he ever mentioned of Jersey City. But isn't that Chicago politics? Rachel says it is, but it is also criminal. The Bridge thing . . . well, now the Feds are involved so that's a whole new can of fish (can of fish? Did I just write that? How about "a whole new kettle of corn"? Something like that.)
Dave wonders why these things keep happening to politicians. Why do they do this to themselves? I think it's because it's the type of people politics attract. They know more than us, they know what's good for us, they know how to spend our money, and they roll up their sleeves for photo ops during the campaign. Politics draws people who are happy to be in a room of 100 people with 49 of them hating the politician and 51 liking him. If I'm in a room of 100 and I know 2 people hate me, I'm very uncomfortable. That's why I would never make a good politician.
Dave asks about Christie's Deputy Chief of Staff, Bridget "Don't Call Me Bridge" Kelly. Christie threw her under the bus and placed the whole Bridge-thing on her shoulders. Rachel says she just changed lawyers. The first lawyer she had came from the Christie camp. She got burned. Now that she's got a new lawyer . . . .well, this could get very interesting.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Catch Dave tomorrow with his guests Kevin Bacon, comedian Pat McGann, and Devon Avenue. I'll fight anyone who says store brand bleach isn't as good as the famous brands."

ACT 6:
He's the director of the Academy Award nominated film, "Her." He got his big break by creating . . . "Jackass" for MTV. Spike has also been involved with many music videos. I've read where he was just a guy who had access to cheap video equipment that was hitting the market. He and Johnny Knoxville were doing what every other knucklehead teen had been doing forever . . . . Spike and Johnny were simply the ones to record it.

How did Spike Jonze get the name "Spike Jonze"? As a teen, Spike worked at a BMX store. The manager . . . or owner . . . was an old guy in his 20s. He gave out names. Adam Spiegel was given the name "Spike Jonze." Being the manager/owner was all-knowing and old, Adam decided to keep it.

Spike likes to appear in cameo roles in movies directed by the famous and powerful. He made a quick appearance in Martin Scorsese's "The Wolf of Wall Street." Dave asked what he learns when he sits on another man's set. The audience takes this question and turns it around in their R-rated minds. Giggles ensue. He likes to see how they work, how they inspire, how they run their shop. It's a fun learning process without the pressure of having to make directorial decisions. On Scorsese's set of "The Wolf," Spike likened it to a jazz master, playing loose and free and improv-ing . . .but Scorsese knew exactly what he wanted and how to get it. What seemed like disjointed multiple shoots made perfect sense to Marty. He was editing while they were shooting.

Dave was very impressed with the execution of "Her." He wondered how this complex script read on paper. Spike says he had the idea for this film about 10 years ago and started writing it three years ago. It's a love story between a man and a computer. Scarlet Johannson is the voice from the computer and it took a lot more work than one would think. Spike went through many many auditions until he decided on Ms. Johannson. She possessed the right tone, the right feel, to play the part of the voice only. And how did Spike decide on Joaquin Phoenix as the lead? Spike was considering him, but when he saw Joaquin on Dave's show . . . not the bearded, nutty Joaquin episode, but the following "apology" episode. That appearance with Dave cemented it.
Some of the movie was filmed in Shanghai. It's not an easy place to work. There are 20 million people living there and there is tremendous hustle and bustle and people going about their business. It's really a tough job to keep the people of Shanghai back away from the shoot. I immediately thought, "Oh, those poor production assistants." Yeah, the lowly paid production assistants have the least glamorous job . . . the hardest job . . . the unglamorous job of "asking" people to wait, to don't go there, to hold on, to please if they didn't mind to stand over there. And then Spike tells a story, during a shoot of an important scene, seeing a production assistant being beaten over the head by a Shanghai-ian who didn't want to wait, didn't want to hold on, who wanted to go there and not over there. But it's all part of the business of being a production assistant. It's a thankless job, especially on pay day.

"Her" - it's an interesting premise. It's up for 5 Academy Awards and is in theaters now.

ACT 7:
From their album, "An Object," No Age performed "C'mon, Stimmung.

And that was our show for Thursday January 22, 2014.

Everybody now knows Richard Sherman. He'll likely make a lot of money from his postgame outburst following the NFC championship game. You know who's happy? Peyton Manning. Anything to keep the scribes and media busy with something else is fine with him.

Any predictions to Richard Sherman's first endorsement? I'm going with Lipton Tea, or any other kind of tea. It'll be about Sherman relaxing quietly and content with a nice cup of steaming tea. It's how he "escapes." The well-spoken Sherman can carry the commercial in a nice soft tone. "Join me in a cup . . . ." Sherman sips, smiles, and raises his cup to the home viewer. And we're out.

And if . . . . when . . . . Sherman is celebrated with endorsements this off-season, just imagine what the next under-the-radar sports athlete will do after a big game to get himself onto the Treasure Island of commercialism.

I think Mayor Rob Ford should get a show like the Jerry Springer Show. In each episode we wouldn't know which seat he would be sitting in . . . the host's chair or the troubled teen's chair.

Am I the only one this stupid? On my drive in to work this morning, I was thinking about "WKRP in Cincinnati." No, that's now why I think I'm stupid . . . . WKRP . . . is that supposed to make us think of "crap"? Was that their intent? And I'm just realizing that now? It's so darn obvious. How did I miss that?

To make sure Dave pronounces Rachel Maddow's last name correctly, we tell him it rhymes with "shadow." Maddow, like shadow. Dave admits he always has trouble with that. It should be easy, but it ain't. I know what he means. I want to go with "dow" rather than "doe". Which reminds me of the time we had Peter Krause on the show from "Six Feet Under." His last name isn't pronounced "krausse", but Krau-zuh, like Yowza. Tony put it on his cue card that way: "Peter Krause ('YOWZA')". Naturally Dave introduced him as Peter Yowza.

Chris Christie, or his people, shut down the Bridge because the Fort Lee mayor wouldn't support his re-election big? Who cares? Everyone knew Christie was going to win big. It was so unnecessary. Sort of like Nixon bugging and/or burglarizing McGovern's campaign headquarters. (I'm always nervous when I pretend to know politics like I know baseball.)

Justin Bieber . . . . . Rob Ford . . . what's in the water up there in Canada? Probably bourbon . . . . . neat.

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.