Louis C.K., Former Marine Sgt. B.J. Ganem, and Arctic Monkeys.
PLUS: Bieber in prison; Pat Farmer with pretzels; Chris Christie preps for the Super Bowl; Alan Kalter with a message for Dave; and a Top Ten list.
" . . . . and now, Grammy Award winner for Best Classical Compendium . . . . . . David Letterman."
-"Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is 37 and says he'd like to do another season. If there's one thing that bugs me, it's an old guy who doesn't know when to quit."
-"Did you watch the Grammys last night? The high point of the show was when Yoko Ono broke up the two surviving Beatles."
Justin Bieber is locked up in prison . . . or, at least he was . . . . but reports indicate he's getting along well with his fellow inmates. We take a look.
From Cebu Prison in the Philippines, we see what appears to be Justin dancing a wonderful choreographed number with a slew of orange-clad prisoners. He seems to be getting along swimmingly.
We come back to find Pat Farmer standing by Dave.
DAVE: "Oh, hi, Pat. It's one of our stagehands, Pat Farmer. What can I do for you, Pat? You know we're right in the show. This is not rehearsal."
PAT: "Yeah, well, you know what, Dave? I just wanted to let you know, there are homemade pretzels in the green room. Better hurry. They're going fast."
DAVE: "Really? (off script) Did you call the New York Times?"
PAT: "About the homemade pretzels?"
PAT: "No, I didn't."
DAVE: "And you say you have some pretzels?"
PAT: "Yeah. Backstage."
DAVE: "You baked them?"
PAT: "Yup. And you know what? There was a ton of road salt backstage left over and I figured, 'Why not use it? Make pretzels!'"
DAVE: "That's great, but the road salt is highly-toxic. It's not just sodium chloride. They mix it up with Strontium 90 and Cesium 134. It's highly, highly toxic. You shouldn't be eating that."
PAT: "Really? No kidding?"
DAVE: "Yes. In fact, you should be in a hospital right this very minute."
PAT: "Well, you know, I'm a little busy now, Dave, but after the show I'm going to give it a shot. Thank you!" Pat exits.
Everyone's getting ready for their Super Bowl parties. We have footage of the preparations at Chris Christie's house. He had a practice party watching the Football All-Pro Game last night. We take a look.
We see Christie's house. We know it's his house because the mailbox reads "Christie". A big dump truck backs up into the driveway . . . and dumps its load of guacamole onto the driveway.
Wow! Can you imagine!
Did you watch the Grammy Awards? Paul attended with his daughter. Any Justin Bieber sightings? Dave recalls how he made Justin cry on the show. Justin had just gotten a tattoo on his arm. Dave gave the still-tender tatt a pinch. It brought a tear to JB's eye. And the kid hasn't been the same since. Kids . . . what are you going to do about kids today?
Alan Kalter interrupts from his perch.
ALAN: "Dave! Excuse me, Dave! Dave! Excuse me! David!"
DAVE: "Yes, Alan? What is it, Alan? Alan Kalter, ladies and gentlemen."
ALAN; "I hate to interrupt you, Dave, but I think you're being a little unfair to Justin Bieber. In fact, he reminds me of another young man who experienced some growing pains, but managed to do OK for himself. You know who that young man was, Dave? Think about it."
Dave ponders but comes up with nothing.
ALAN: "No? Well, that young man . . . . was you. I did a little digging and I uncovered this."
We take a look at an old news reel from the mid-60s.
ANNOUNCE: (over old footage) "Coming up on the WLWI News at 6: Republican gains in the Senate may not be so great for President Johnson's Great Society; Don Hein previews the battle between the Chiefs and the Packers in the AFL/NFL World Championship; and the sad tale of local boy David Letterman who was arrested for urinating in a mailbox.
All that and more, at 6."
Dave knows he has been revealed.
DAVE: (sadness) "Alright, that's great. Thank you, Alan. You've given me something to think about."
ALAN: "Hey, Dave, I've given us all something to think about."
Alan looks to the camera. The camera slowly pushes in. It continues to remain on Alan, slowly pushing in closer and closer on Alan until Dave puts a stop to it. Trouble is, Dave didn't put a stop to it. The camera shot on Alan remained for an uncomfortably long time. I know that any shot on Alan can be uncomfortable, but this one was extra long, comically long.
TOP TEN: NAMES DAFT PUNK CONSIDERED BERFORE DECIDING ON DAFT PUNK – Daft Punk won two Grammys last night; one for Best Record and another for Best Album. Remember when groups like the Beatles won those awards? Well, Daft Punk are known to wear robot-hats, as they did for the Grammys. They're an odd duo who work very hard to be odd.
NAMES DAFT PUNK CONSIDERED BERFORE DECIDING ON DAFT PUNK
10. Raft Sunk
9. Half Drunk
8. Bath Gunk
7. Don Trump
6. Nana and Doc
5. Dodd Frank
4. Shrimp Fork
3. Wet Cough
2. Dad's Junk
1. Mackledaft and Ryan Lewis
The relaxed Mr. C.K. enters in a sport coat and crew neck shirt. No tie? He says he's not a tie-guy. But the last time he was here he wore a tie. Man's getting comfortable coming to the show.
Louis is in two very popular current movies. Dave was surprised and delighted in his performance on Woody Allen's "Blue Jasmine" and then again surprised and delighted in his appearance in "American Hustle." How does Louis get to do these movies? He must really campaign hard to be invited and included. Not so. He hates to audition, so he doesn't do it. In his very first movie, he was asked to come to an audition. He agreed, then didn't show up. They called and they made another audition appointment. He didn't show up to that one either. Then they sent him a script and asked if he would tape himself in his home with the read. He agreed, but then never did it. And then he got the part. And it's just that easy! So, kids, if you're thinking of going to Hollywood, take Louis C.K.s advice . . . . don't go to an audition!
Will he do more movies? Louis hopes not. He doesn't want to get too famous. Right now he's at a relaxed state of fame. Those who hate him don't know his name. If he becomes famous enough to appear on the side of a bus, then everyone who hates him will know it's Louis C.K. they hate.
Louis wrote, directed and produced a movie, "Tomorrow Night," 15 years ago that he never was able to sell. He took it do Sundance. 15 people came to watch it. At the end of the movie, 2 remained. It's been sitting under his bed ever since. But you can see it now for only $5 on his website, LouisCK.net. We take a look at the clip. I liked the look and feel, and you can't really bark at the price.
ANNOUNCE: "Tomorrow, it's Dave with Eric Stonestreet, X Games gold medalist and U.S. Olympian Nick Goepper, and Bastille. When you come back, we'll reveal which of you have been voted off by your fellow home viewers."
FORMER MARINE SGT. B.J. GANEM
He's an Iraq War veteran and captain of the Wounded Warrior Amputee Football Team. The marine enters wearing shorts. Apparently nobody told him about the teen-temps here in New York. Ganem apologizes for not wearing a tie. I don't think Dave minded.
Sgt. Ganem lost his left leg in Iraq ten years ago. It's been quite a "journey," and credits the love and support of his family, vets, and helping organizations for getting him through it. He now captains the Wounded Warrior Amputee Football team, made up of men and women who have lost a limb in battle. They will be playing this Wednesday against retired NFL legends and members of the FDNY. No word yet on the point spread for either game. Sgt. Ganem particular enjoys playing before those in Walter Reed Hospital. It brightens their day and gives them hope, showing them that they can do a lot with their prosthetic.
To find out more about the football team:
Sgt. Ganem is also involved with the Semper Fi Fund, an organization that fills in the gaps the V.A. and the government can't provide. The members of the Semper Fi Fund rebuilt the shower in his home, putting up handrails, a bench, bars, no-slip floors . . . they took care of it all at no cost to him. The Semper Fi Fund does what it can to improve the life of a wounded vet.
To find out more:
Before saying goodnight, B.J. Ganem takes off his leg for Dave to have a better look.
Dave later sighs, "Sergeant B.J. Ganem had to put on a leg to come on the show . . . and yet, Louis C.K. couldn't put on a tie."
Sgt. B.J. Ganem: he and the real heroes will be playing football on Wednesday. Those playing this Sunday are simply media heroes.
From their album, "A.M.", Arctic Monkeys performed "Do I Wanna Know." For the web immediately following, which you can see now, they performed "Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High?"
And that was our show for Monday, January 27, 2014.
In for Eddie Brill tonight to warm up the audience, comedian, Kevin McCaffrey. Our former intern and employee is out doing his stuff and chasing his dream. Kevin did standup here on the Late Show this past November 27th.
I drove Denise to the airport early Sunday morning. She's spending the week in Puerto Rico with her sisters. I had the whole day to do what I wanted. I'm thinking of having a Super Bowl party at the house so I decided to make sure the projector and seating was set up to how I wanted. I didn't want to be rushing around on Game Day trying to get the stuff done, and I certainly didn't want to throw a party without the TV working. I had the Ranger/Devil hockey game on in the background. It was being played outdoors at Yankee Stadium. I considered going to that but for some reason I thought not. A Ranger/Islander game would have tempted me more. And, yes, I know they're playing at the Stadium Wednesday night. Still deciding. So it's in between periods of the game and what band is performing at Yankee Stadium? Dang it, Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes! I missed out on Southside at the Stadium? I would have gone to the game just for that. Southside, a Jersey band, is big in these parts. And the best was Johnny's shout out to Jeff Kazee on the keyboards . . . on national TV. And who is Jeff Kazee?
(Damn, I thought I could cut-and-paste this story, but I can't find it on old Wahoos. I'll give a better look later.)
Who is Jeff Kazee:
In a throw-away line in an old Wahoo, I wrote that I like to go to Southside Johnny concerts just to see how long it takes before somebody says, "I hear Bruce Springsteen is gonna show up tonight." It was a line for myself and my friend back home. I didn't expect anybody else to pay it any mind. Later that week I got an e-mail from Southside's keyboardist Jeff Kazee. He appreciated the mention and laughed at the line. Whoa! Somebody from Southside Johnny reads the Wahoo Gazette? How ‘bout that! Jeff said the band was once playing in Minnesota and Bruce was touring in Europe, and still there was the rumor that Bruce might show up. We exchange some back-and-forth pleasantries and that was that. Jump ahead some months . . . maybe years . . . and who is filling in for Paul on one of the Jewish holidays? None other than Jeff Kazee. During rehearsal I felt I should go over to introduce myself. When there was break in the action, the Executive Producer was going over the show with Jeff about some things he should be aware of and what to look out for. I slowly made my way towards him and waited to introduce myself. But . . . Jeff noticed me and with a slight backhand guidance out of the way of the Executive Producer, he gives me a big "MIKE!" He extends his hand and we exchange hugs. It was like he admired me or something. That was pretty cool.
And then some years later, I saw some Southside Johnny and the Poor Fools at a small place in Piermont, New York called The Turning Point. On keyboard was Jeff Kazee. I was with some huge Southside fans who travel to wherever the Jukes are playing. And during the set, Jeff Kazee gives me a shout-out. I hadn't seen him in years. He had no reason to remember me. But that was way cool. My friends looked at me as if I were somebody.
Congratulations, Jeff Kazee, for playing at Yankee Stadium. I know it's not Crosley Field, but it ain't a bad substitute. Kudos.
Super Bowl Countdown – 6 days, 11 hours, 34 minutes until everyone gets out of here.
Michael Z. McIntee