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Wednesday, January 29, 2014 The Royal Family sells out.
Show #3976
Drew Brees, B.J. Novak, Against Me, and a Top Ten List with NBA Commissioner David Stern.
PLUS: the Super Bowl cold; The Prostate of the Union; the State of the Union: A Look Back; costume designer Sue Hum interrupts; Joe Biden at the State of the Union; the Royal Family tries to raise money; and a History of the Super Bowl.

" . . . . and now, reader of cue cards . . . . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-"It's Oprah's birthday today, but just to be clear, it's "Lee Daniels: The Birthday.'"

It's going to be cold at the Super Bowl this Sunday. One Seahawk player is particularly upset. It's making him cranky. We take a look at Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman.
We see him during his angry post-game rant following their win over the San Francisco 49ers: Richard Sherman: "I'm the coldest guy in the game. When the temperatures drop this far below freezing, that's the result you're gonna get. Don't you ever say I'm not cold!"

The Super Bowl has taken over Times Square. Lots of stuff to do; lots of stuff to buy, especially the memorabilia. Dave bought son Harry a Seahawks jersey. Unfortunately, when he got it home Dave discovered it was a Saigon Seahawk jersey.

Did you watch the State of the Union Address last night? If you're vacationing here in New York and are in our audience tonight, I hope you didn't. Anyway, immediately following the State of the Union, former NFL quarterback Joe Theismann delivered the Prostate of the Union Address. Joe?
We see Joe Theismann proclaim: "My prostrate was giving me fits."

And now would be a good time to take a look back, some retrospection, in something we call, "The State of the Union: A Look Back."
ART CARD: THE STATE OF THE UNION: A LOOK BACK
ART CARD: BARACK OBAMA
We see President Obama at a State of the Union: "It is you, our citizens, who make the state of our union strong."
ART CARD: GERALD FORD
We see President Ford at a State of the Union: ". . . that the state of the union is not good."
ART CARD: JIMMY CARTER
We see President Jimmy Carter: "The state of our union . . . is funky." Brick House-ish music jumps in.

When we come back, Costume Designer Sue Hum is standing by Dave. DAVE: "Oh, hi, Sue. It's our costume designer, Sue Hum."
SUE: "You wanted to see me?"
DAVE: "Did I want to see you? No, I didn't. Did somebody say I was looking for you? There must have been some miscommunication. I sorry, but you know, we're right in the middle of the show. No, I didn't want to see you . . . . . how are you doing, by the way?"
SUE: (growing angry): "I thought I told you not to ask me about that kind of stuff on camera."
DAVE: "I . . . uhhhh . . . what?
SUE: (very angry): I'm gonna break you in half, like a boy!" She exits.
The audience applauds, sensing we've found a new Calvert.

Vladimir Putin, the homophobic Russian president, claims he's not homophobic, and he has proof. He says he is a big fan of Elton John. Russia has released this scientific demonstration of the Putin Elton John Gay Tolerance Meter:
We see Elton singing "Rocket Man."
Putin approves. Da!
We see Elton a little more ornate singing "A Candle in The Wind"
Putin approves: Da!
We see Elton John dressed as Donald Duck and dancing like Elton John.
Putin vehemently disapproves: Nyet Nyet Nyet Nyet Nyet Nyet.

And there's more. The State of the Union . . . we discovered something interesting. We call it, "Joe Biden: Itchy?"
We see video of the State of the Union. Behind Obama is Biden and Boehner. We montage nearly two dozen instances of VP Biden scratching himself.

I was amused how Dave introduced the above piece. When he referenced, "Joe Biden: Itchy", he mentioned the colon. So he introduced it as "Joe Biden Colon Itchy?" Not a good image.

ACT 2:
Congratulations, and welcome back Will Lee, fresh back from being inducted into the Musicians Hall of Fame.

The Royal Family is running out of money. I guess you can only fool people long enough. But they are trying to raise money any way they can. Have you seen the Queen lately? You have to look closely to see the slight change in her wardrobe. We see the Queen in a yellow outfit. There across her ample breast is a Butterfinger logo.

TOP TEN THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN MY 30 YEARS AS COMMISSIONER OF THE NBA PRESENTED BY DAVID STERN
-He's the longest tenured commissioner in professional sports history. He will be stepping down Saturday, February 1st. Taking over will be Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN MY 30 YEARS AS COMMISSIONER OF THE NBA PRESENTED BY DAVID STERN
And here with tonight's Top Ten List, NBA Commissioner David Stern.
10. "Dr. J is not a licensed physician"
9. "The swish sound is made by a guy standing behind the basket"
8. "I could watch a stuck ball get poked with a broom all day"
7. "When international diplomacy is required, call Dennis Rodman"
6. "I'm the only guy in the league who was bar mitzvah'd"
5. "No NBA star has ever made a bad motion picture"
4. "The lowest paid mascot in the league makes $5 million a year"
3. "Moisten needle before inserting"
2. "I am an inspiration to short, un-athletic kids everywhere"
1. "I hear sneaker squeaks in my sleep"

Commissioner Stern recitation of #1, "I hear sneaker squeaks in my sleep" reminded me of Ringo Starr's "I've got blisters on my fingers!"

ACT 3:
DREW BREES

4-time All-Pro quarterback from your New Orleans Saints Drew Brees. Dave asks how the Boilermakers did this year. Drew is an alum of Indiana's Purdue University. Drew is sad to report that for the first time in some 20 years Indiana U did better than his Purdue team and took home the Old Oak and Bucket trophy.
Brees and his Saints won the Super Bowl 4 years ago. We see the cover of the Sports Illustrated from that game of Drew holding up his son immediately after the Super Bowl win. Great photo.
His Saints this year lost to the Seattle Seahawks in the playoffs. Will Drew watch the Super Bowl? He says he will, but he won't be going to the game. He says he will never go unless he's playing in it. Well that's good. I'd hate for his team to make it and he deciding not to go.

Dave and Drew talk about the extra point.
Dave's new idea for the NFL. One play a game, all 55 players on both teams get to participate in one play.

Dave commends everything Drew and the New Orleans Saints have done for the wonderful city of New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina. They continue to inspire and help and donate their time and money. There really is a team/city connection.

Dave pins Drew down for a prediction in Sunday's game. Unlike Dave last night with Regis, Drew says he is pulling for Peyton Manning due to everything he's gone through following his neck surgery.

WWW.DREWBREES.COM
The Brees Dream Foundation focuses on improving the life of patient with cancer and their families. The foundation is nearing $20,000,000

ACT 4:
The Super Bowl has been a big part of American culture for almost 50 years. Here tonight is review this event's storied history is the NFL's official historian, Jeff Tolnick.
Mr. Tolnick enters:
TOLNICK: "Thanks, Dave. The first Super Bowl took place on January 15th, 1967. We've come a long way since then. Let's review the history of the Super Bowl. Paul?"
The band kicks in. Tolnick sings:
"I, II, III, IV, next came V!
VI, VII, VIII, IX, and X --- you see.
XI, XII, XIII, XIV, and then XV!
XVI, XVII, XVIII, XIX, and XX . . count ‘em with me!
XXI, XXII, XXIII, XXIV, XXV!
XXVI, XXVII, XXVIII, XXIX, XXX --- it's easy!
XXXI, XXXII, XXXVII, XXXIX, XI --- obviously!
XLI, XLII, XLIII, XLIV, and XLV.
XLVI, XLVII, XLVIII, and that's the history!

Thanks, folks! Enjoy the game!"

Jeff Tolnick exits. Is there anything else you need to know about the Super Bowl?

It was a darn good tune! Nice job, Tolnick. Not an easy song to sing. May be even harder than the National Anthem.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "We're bringing it tomorrow, with Dave and his guests Dr. Phil, from ‘Counting Cars' Danny Koker, and Dum Dum Girls. Please stay on the line to take a brief customer satisfaction survey. Thank you."

ACT 6:
B.J. NOVAK

Actor and author, you recognize him from "The Office." Dave recently saw him in "Saving Mr. Banks" playing a Disney songwriter.
Novak is from the Boston area and worked in a museum. He went to an exhibit of ancient Chinese art. It was one of those "listen to a narrator on a cassette" tour. Well, it wasn't all that interesting. Novak and friend decided to make their own tour cassette. With much diligence, they created their own narration of . . . "facts". A few weeks later, they added their bunch of tapes into the actual collection. The first three minutes of the tour was exactly as it should be. It then turned into, "This artifact is a piece of crap." We listen to a bit. Something like this is right up Dave's alley. The prank was a Boston Globe front page story the next day. Oh, those 17-year-old kids! His new and first book, "One More Thing: Stories and Other Stories," a collection of short fiction stories, goes on sale February 4th. Sounds like a good summer read on the beach.

Tonight's inductee into the Backstage Photo Club: Building Engineer George Clarke.

ACT 7:
AGAINST ME

From the brand new CD, "Transgender Dysphoria Blues," Against Me performed "F**kmylife666"

And that was our show for Wednesday, January 29, 2014.

I had to miss the show! I was there right up to the taping but I had to run home to take my daughter to some college reception get-together. Danielle was accepted to a University and this was to seal the deal. I learned earlier in the day it was to be held at someone's house with a limited number of invites. What? A small get-together at someone's home? You know what that means! Small talk! I hate small talk with people I know, but with people I don't know . . . . that's painful! Well, it turned out to be quite pleasant. It was a beautiful home and they made us feel very welcome. I found a guy who had similar apprehensions as I did and we spent most of the night talking, basically about "I don't remember all this when I went to college." But it was a successful evening and no one got hurt.
When he arrived, Danielle excused herself to get a drink. I blurted out, "Don't leave me!""

Congratulations, New Yorkers and Jersey-ites! Word out on the street is there are Super Bowl tickets available and no one's buying! Some reports claim that 18,000 tickets can still be had. Gee, I wonder why? Maybe the parking, or lack of it? The price? Could that be it? The delays? Or maybe how inconvenient everything is surrounding the game? Inconvenience is one thing, but being inconvenienced in the frigid cold is another.
Yeah, these Disney-like extravaganzas are not a New York thing!

Here's hoping next week is Febru-any

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Novak Djokovic
Robby Johnson

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