CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Monday, February 3, 2014 Dave tries out for Russell Wilson and the Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks.
Show #3979
Russell Wilson, Will Arnett, and Broken Bells.
PLUS: the Super Bowl; Obama the plagiarist; Schwarzenegger; Joe Grossman for Volkswagen, and a Top Ten list.

" . . . and now, with a pocketful of chicken wings . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

"I've been watchin' the Super Bowl all my life. I still have no idea who GoDaddy is.
"Jay Leno is leaving NBC this week. And the Winter Olympics begin this week. Two events that happen every four years."

Ground Hogs Day yesterday and Punxatawney Phil was at the Game. We take a look. It's the thing Joe Namath was wearing.

President Obama is being accused of plagiarizing his State of the Union Address from an old George W. Bush speech. And it turns out this isn't his first offense. We take a look.
ART CARD: BARACK OBAMA: PLAGIARIST
OBAMA: (stammering) "It it it it it it it it it . . . ."
BUSH: (stammering) "You you you you you you you . . . "
SPLIT SCREEN/OBAMA/BUSH: The two Presidents do their its and yous.
PLAGIARIST!
ART CARD: BARACK OBAMA: PLAGIARIST

Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared in a beer commercial during the Super Bowl. You remember Arnold, don't you? The former Governor of California? Since we're talking about him, let's take a look at some Arnold footage.
We gander at some of Arnold's fun moments, such as smoking a doob, doing some gyrating, and making faces to the camera. Oh, that Arnold

All night long, and all week, Paul and the band play Beatles music in and out of commercials. 50 years ago this coming Sunday, February 9th, the Beatles graced this very stage for the very first time and changed the world forever.

ACT 2:
Dave talks about the game and some of the commercials. And a light beer sponsor bought out a huge cruise ship and used it as a hotel for football fans to . . . party with celebrities. Dave then makes a plea to make the Monday following the Super Bowl a federal holiday. I'm not sure who can be against that? I've been preaching that for years. It would open up huge avenues for the hotel business all over the country. It would be great for the economy. And I've said many times now that Presidents Day is not just for Washington or Lincoln, but for all the Presidents, we can put Presidents Day anywhere we want. Why not put it a couple weeks earlier and slap it the day after the Super Bowl? Dave talks a bit about the . . . beer commercial? It's the one with the little puppy who keeps running away from a pet adoption agency out in the country. The puppy befriends a horse that lives nearby. The dog is constantly being discovered and brought back to the adoption agency. And the puppy keeps escaping, running to his friend the horse, and then brought back. Well, the puppy is then adopted by a guy who has an evil-side to him because he is wearing sunglasses. The horse sees the dog being taken away and chases after the car. The horse gets his other horse friends and they give chase. Cut to the horses returning with the dog. The dog and horse live happily ever after. The guy who rightfully adopted and paid for the dog? Well, I guess he's out of luck. It's obviously an anti-capitalism commercial.
And this commercial was for . . . beer? Is that right?

Did you see the Volkswagen commercial where it pretends that every time a VW goes over 100,000 miles, a German engineer gets his wings. During the commercial break, we see it again. You did watch the commercials here, right? With that commercial fresh in your mind, we bring out our writer Joe Grossman to tell some jokes about the Super Bowl. Joe enters in a huge set of angel wings attached to his back.

DAVE: (laughing) "Joe . . I know what you're doing. We just saw that Volkswagen commercial where the VW people get wings every time one of their cars goes over 100,000 miles. Is that what you're doing? It's about the that commercial, right?"
JOE: " . . . . . . No."
DAVE: "Oh. So, how was your weekend? What did you do?"
JOE: "I watched the Super Bowl, and I read about chalk."
DAVE: "OK. But seriously, aren't those the same wings as the Volkswagen engineers got whenever the car turns over 100,000.?
Joe nods an affirmation.
DAVE: (suspiciously) "Are you getting any money from this? Are they paying you?" Joe shakes his head in the negative.
DAVE: "Well, they look great! Now what we want are some jokes about the Super Bowl. Do you have jokes about the Super Bowl for us tonight?" JOE: " . . . . Yes."
DAVE: "Great. Take it away. Joe Grossman, ladies and gentlemen."
JOE: (searching for his jokes in his little handy dandy notebook)
"The Seahawks surprised everybody by scoring a safety at the beginning of the game, but there's nothing surprising about the safety of Volkswagen's line of automobiles, such as the 2013 Beetle, which earned a five-star overall safety rating from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration." (rim shot – the rim shot is accompanied by a slight flapping of his wings)
"The weather at the Super Bowl was warmer than predicted, although it wasn't nearly as warm as the hot wax flooding treatment that's administered to every Volkswagen during the manufacturing process, to prevent corrosion." (rim shot – accompanied by a slight flapping of his wings)
DAVE stops Joe. He doesn't like where this is headed.
DAVE: "OK, Joe. Hold it. Hold it right there! These aren't jokes about the Super Bowl. Those are jokes about the Volkswagen, and they're not even jokes. You're in some kind of a deal with Volkswagen. That's why you've got the wings. Do me a favor. Look in your little book and see if you have an actual joke about the Super Bowl. Do you have anything?"
JOE: " . . . . "Hold on . . . . ." (Joe searches) " . . . . I've got one."
DAVE: "Good. Go ahead."
JOE: "The Denver Broncos were so slow yesterday, after the game, they got hit by a parked Volkswagen." (rim shot – accompanied by a slight flapping of his wings.
DAVE: "OK, that's enough. Get out! Just get out!"
Joe begins to exit in the wrong direction until Dave sets him right.

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD ON THE BRONCOS' SIDELINE DURING THE SUPER BOWL
10. "When does the game start?"
9. "Boy it's a pretty nice day here in New Jersey - when does the game start?"
8. "We should have endorsed Christie"
7. "I hope no one's watching"
6. "This is worse than my honeymoon at the Late Show" (shot of newlywed couple)
5. "Who's that hunk in the fur coat?" (picture of Joe Namath)
4. "I can't believe they wasted all that Gatorade"
3. "Eli will motivate us!" (video of Eli looking sad)
2. "Too much pre-game Colorado weed"
1. "This is how the Jets feel"

ACT 3:
RUSSELL WILSON

The quarterback for the Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks. He's just 5'11", short by QB standards. Russell says it takes more than just height to be a professional quarterback. It takes leadership, attention to detail, and it helps if you have a great defense and a great offense around you. How did the Seahawks manage to manhandle the Broncos like that? What did they do different from all the other teams against the #1 offense in the NFL? Russell credits the defense, obviously, adding that the team really didn't think much about the Broncos, but concentrated on themselves. If the Seahawks did their job, focused on what they had to do, and played the way they are capable, then things would fall into place and they would finish on top. He also credits the NFC West division for getting them ready. The Seahawks had to play a lot of good teams this year in their division and that helped them. Did Wilson have a hunch they would dominate the way they did? Russell says he had a hunch they would win by at least one. And it was fortunate that they played their best game of the year in the Super Bowl.
Russell speaks of his father who passed away a few years ago. He would always tell Russell "Why not you, Russ? Why not you?" Greatness is to be had by many, but only few attain it. So, why not you, Russ? Russell Wilson repeated that refrain to the team and it became a rallying cry . . . . "Why not us?" This isn't Russell's first Super Bowl. He went last year to the 49er/Raven Super Bowl. Russell knew he and the Seahawks would be in this year's Super Bowl and he wanted to get a feel for the game. It's like no other. He wanted to experience the rhythm, the pace, and all the noise that surrounded the game. He wanted to be familiar with what to expect. Now that's a wise and confident man.
Russell also likes to spend his free time visiting children's hospitals to offer encouragement and to lift their spirits. He also works with those less fortunate to present a positive role model and hopefully direct them to follow the right path in life. Yes, the NFL has a good one here in Russell Wilson. It makes promoting your league a lot easier when you have guys like Peyton Manning and Russell Wilson as the face of your sport.
To finish up, Dave continues the tradition of going out for a pass and catching a ball thrown by the Super Bowl winning quarterback. This year, Dave buttonhooks in the audience instead of running a route and catching it mid-run. A pang of slight sadness descended upon me as I recalled how Dave and I would throw the football during rehearsals years ago. I'll save that story for another day when I have nothing else to talk about.
Russell Wilson – a winner on and off the field.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Check out Dave tomorrow with George Clooney, and Sting. Your total savings after applying all credits and adjustments: $35.
Back after this."

ACT 6:
WILL ARNETT

From the CBS hit comedy series, "The Millers," and the voice of Batman in "The Lego Movie." Dave tells Will that son Harry has watched "The Lego Movie" twice this weekend and is hoping for a 3rd viewing. Legos is super popular with young kids, mostly boys. My girls missed out on that. All I really know about Legos is they hurt like heck when you step on one . . . . and you will eventually.
Will went to his first Super Bowl this weekend. He's had the opportunity to go in the past buy always turned it down, basically because of the parking. Everything sounds great about going to the Super Bowl . . . . . until you consider the parking. That in itself is enough to say, "No, thanks." Now there's a guy who thinks like me.
Will is from Toronto, so naturally, Dave wants to know what's going on with Mayor Rob Ford and Justin Bieber. Will says the whole thing is very embarrassing to Canadians everywhere, but there is a part that makes them glad that people are talking about Canada. Will doesn't understand either why Ford can't be fired. Somehow, that never made it into their rule book.

"The Millers" – Thursdays at 8:30 on the Columbia Broadcasting System. "The Lego Movie" – it opens everywhere on this Friday.

Tonight's inductee into the "Backstage Photo Club": Roman Palylyk, assistant to the director.

ACT 7:
BROKEN BELLS:
to kick off our week of Beatles celebration, Broken Bells (Brian Burton and James Mercer) performed "And I Love Her" with a little help from their friend, Ringo Starr on the tele. I really enjoyed that. Look for their new album, "After The Disco."
Brian Burton is also known as Danger Mouse. In 2004, Burton released The Grey Album, mixing a cappella versions of Jay Z's The Black Album over instrumentals from the Beatles' White Album. I'll have to look for that.

And that was our show for Monday, February 3, 2014.

Well, now, that was pretty painful. That was quite a Super Bowl. My biggest disappointment was that 12 hours later, MetLife Stadium was in a terrific snow storm. I was woken up Monday morning to the phone ringing announcing school was closed. I looked outside and the snow was really coming down. Who knew? It was 50+ on Sunday. I left for work an hour earlier than usual because the roads were getting worse by the minute. When I got to work I heard on the radio that I missed a big accident on the Palisades Parkway by minutes. And then when I got to work I discovered . . . or rediscovered . . . that we would be taping an hour later than usual so Seahawk QB Russell Wilson could get to Disney and then back here. I spent most of the morning looking out my office window at the snow coming down and eating all my leftover Super Bowl brownies.

I usually like to have a detailed recap of the Super Bowl, but I have to admit I barely watched.

Only one person had a worse day than Peyton Manning on Sunday . . . . . and I'm not going to say who.

One more Seattle safety and I would have won my Super Bowl pool.

By the 3rd quarter, Peyton Manning was yelling, "Oma-God! Oma-God!"

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD ON THE BRONCOS' SIDELINE DURING THE SUPER BOWL
My offerings that were left on the cutting room floor.
"I thought this was supposed to be two-hand touch?"
"Oma-God! Oma-God!"
"We're missing ‘Downton Abbey'"
"Do I look fat in this?"

Now Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has gone too far . . . . . . he just insulted Chuck Lorre.

Philip Seymour Hoffman:
And from the October 5, 2011 Wahoo Gazette:
"With Philip Seymour Hoffman and Paul Giammati in ‘The Ides of March', the movie is a ‘can't miss'. Those two can make anything great."

From the April 02, 2013 Wahoo Gazette:
"And speaking of baseball and the movies, the other night Denise and I watched Moneyball. Denise liked Brad Pitt, she liked Jonah Hill, but thought Philip Seymour Hoffman was awful as the Oakland A's manager. She said it looked like he wasn't even trying. She found his performance insulting to actors everywhere. He was a complete dullard. She likes Hoffman but was very disappointed in him in "Moneyball." I had to explain to her that Hoffman was playing Oakland A's manager Art Howe. In real life, Art Howe is a dolt. He is actually that dull. Hoffman played him spot-on. I wonder how many other people thought Philip Seymour Hoffman was terrible in that movie."

As always, the best thing about the Super Bowl is it means 3 weeks ‘til pitchers and catchers.

And finally, with thanks to Mr. Donz:
WHAT HAPPENED ON LATE NIGHT THE DAY THEY WERE BORN

Russell Wilson: born November 29, 1988.

What happened on LATE NIGHT the day Russell Wilson was born?

LATE NIGHT, November 29, 1988 (#1063): Kurt Russell, Louie Anderson Stand-Up and Chat, and Kamaar the Discount Magician.

Also: It's Jump Suit Night with three Jump Suit Drills, Thanksgiving Stories, Chris Elliott "Goddess of Love" promo, an update on the Pan American Goodwill Tour with Calvert DeForest, now in Mexico City and wants to come home, and:

Top Ten Fears of Snuggles, the Fabric-Softener Bear:
10. Might someday have to chew own leg off to escape from lint trap.
9. Sleeping in laundry basket exposes him to attack by housecats.
8. He may wind up in a washer with Al Sharpton's undershirts.
7. People will find out about that mauled camper back in ‘78.
6. Excess softener will leave him unable to perform as a male.
5. First wife Joey Heatherton will write book claiming he beat her regularly.
4. Winnie-the-Pooh will get drunk at family gathering and start loudly suggesting that he should be the fabric softener bear.
3. Something might happen to George Bush.
2. Company doctors will perform some kind of surgery to insure he remains "snuggly" forever.
1. The Pillsbury Doughboy will ask him to poke lower.

And that's what happened on LATE NIGHT the day Russell Wilson was born, and it's the first time there are two Russell's in the mix.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Michael Strahan
Marin Cilic Top Ten
Richard Branson
Interpol

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Saturday, September 13
Is George Clooney having second thoughts?
Thursday, September 11
Billy Eichner and Dave enjoy a screaming match.
Wednesday, September 10
Dr. Phil gets the Big Red treatment.
Tuesday, September 9
Dave & Michael Strahan and their mutual admiration society.
Monday, September 8
Dave and Vladimir: Just a couple guys talking about Dairy Queen.