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Friday, February 7, 2014 Dave makes a cameo in a The Beatles' "Yellow Submarine."
Show #3983
Regis Philbin, and Ms. Lauryn Hill.
PLUS: Mayonnaise; Not Going To Sochi; The Mayor of Sochi; New Breed at This Year's Dog Show; Dave in a Beatles Movie?; a Top Ten List; and The Ed Sullivan Theater: Then and Now.

" . . . and now, with a medley of your favorite show tunes . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- It's Fashion Week here in New York City. And next week the Dog Show will be at Madison Square Garden. We'll have bitches coming and going"--- or something like that. It's an annual joke that I always look forward to.

For your records: To get into the next joke, Dave mentions his favorite condiment. And that is. . . I find that a lot of Dave's favorites are also my favorites ... such as favorite pie (cherry). Dave's favorite condiment is . . . . . mustard. And I would imagine he's talking about spicy brown, not the yellow. Paul's favorite condiment: relish.
Yes, there are many out there who keep track of such things.
Anyway, America's favorite condiment is mayonnaise. We take a look at some of the most common uses for mayonnaise.
ANNOUNCE: "On sandwiches" - vt of a sandwich being made.
"In salad dressing"- we see a vt of mayonnaise being used as a salad dressing.
"As a beverage" – We see Chris Christie speaking. We widen out to see a huge jar of mayonnaise with a straw. Between sentences, Chris Christie sips the straw for a delicious draw of mayo. Wow! Can you imagine?!

Many would love to participate in the Winter Olympics but few have the talent. And then there are those who have world-class talent but it doesn't translate to a winter Olympic event. We take a look at this segment: "Not Going To Sochi."
ART CARD: NOT GOING TO SOCHI
We cut to a clip of a guy on his back deck. It is winter. Snow covers everything. He attempts a swan dive off his deck, but the deck gives way and he lands head first in the snow. Only his legs remain visible.
That's ridiculousness!
ART CARD: NOT GOING TO SOCHI

Out of the clip, we find a gentleman standing alongside Dave.
DAVE: "Oh, hello. Can I help you?"
GUY: "Hi. I'm Anatoly Pakhomov, Mayor of Sochi, Russia."
DAVE: "Hello, Mr. Mayor. We're right in the middle of a show. What can I do for you?"
GUY: "I just want all your listeners to know that come Friday, the city of Sochi will be ready to host the Winter Olympics. We look forward to sharing the momentous occasion with all of you."
DAVE: "That's a nice sentiment, but today IS actually Friday. The Opening Ceremonies started a few hours ago."
GUY (laughing): "Good one, Jay. America's gonna miss you." Exits.

Dave says it was a little difficult to understand him with his thick Russian accent.
(He had none)

New breed at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show this year: The Canadian Crack Whore. We take a look.
It's Mayor Rob Ford running amok through a city council meeting and nearly knocking over a woman.

ACT 2:
Dave loves the Ed Sullivan Theater. So much history. The Beatles performed here for the first time on February 9, 1964, and every name-band in the world followed and performed on this stage. Little known fact about one of the Beatles movies . . . Dave was in one of them. No, he wasn't Paul McCartney's grandfather in "Hard Day's Night." Dave was in "Yellow Submarine." We see a clip from the animated feature. The Fab Four open a door to find Dave, who exclaims, "Is there any more bananas?"

TOP TEN: LESSER KNOWN BEATLE SONGS – The Beatles have had 21 #1 singles in the United States. But not all of their songs were hits. Some, even the best Beatles fans, may not be aware of.

LESSER KNOWN BEATLE SONGS
10. "Sgt. Pepper's Adjustable Gastric Band"
9. "We Can Yank It Out"
8. "Sup, Jude."
7. "I Want To Hold My Calls"
6. "Drive My Car – Not Too Fast – Watch The Road – Fine, I'll Drive."
5. "Twist and Shout, Rinse and Repeat"
4. "Can't Buy Me Love, Except in Nevada's Legalized Brothels"
3. "All My Luggage."
2. "OB-GYN, Ob-La-Da"
1. "Love Me Dude"

ACT 3:
Coming back from commercial, we take a look at the theater's marquee from 50 years ago, billboarding The Beatles, Georgia Brown, Tessie O'Shea, Whitehall and Pillsbury. Dave and Paul discuss the lineup.

Before introducing Regis, Dave explains that he's been living with terrible guilt of late due to the way he treated Regis the other night. Regis invited Dave to visit his sports show via satellite and Dave took great satisfaction in sabotaging the whole thing. Dave felt guilty immediately afterwards. Dave doesn't know why he did it. There's something in their relationship that makes Dave lash out. He finds great enjoyment in irritating Regis. Dave admits to being in therapy over it. With that, Dave introduces Mr. Philbin.

REGIS PHILBIN
Dave gets right in on the apology. Dave is terribly sorry with how he behaved last week. All Regis wanted to know was who Dave was picking in the Super Bowl. Somehow, that turned into a big mess. There was a delay due to the satellite and the great distance between Dave and Regis . . . about 30 blocks . . . and that fueled the uneven and awkward exchange. Still, Dave admits that was no reason to act the way he did. Regis is more than gracious in accepting Dave's apology, believing it to be unnecessary. He heard Dave talking to Dr. Phil about it. Regis says there is no reason to bring that him into it. Regis wonders why Dave doesn't kiss his ass the way he kisses up to George Clooney and Matt Damon.
The last time Regis was here was right before Christmas and he was promoting an appearance on "A New York Christmas To Remember At St. Paul the Apostle." Regis was to narrate the big scene of the Virgin Mary giving birth to baby Jesus. There Regis was at St. Paul's in front of 15 priests and bishops and cardinals. It was all very dramatic. And then when all was quiet, at the most dramatic moment, Regis declares, " . . . . and then Mary gave birth to baby Regis." He said "Regis!" He said "Regis" instead of "Jesus." Regis immediately asked for forgiveness. He was so embarrassed. I believe Regis was forgiven, but he did have to write "Mary did not give birth to Regis" 100 times . . . in cursive.

"How's your prostate?"
Dave throws out that question for no reason whatsoever, simply to get a reaction out of Regis. Regis pauses a moment and says, "Every now and then it acts up. And it's beginning to bother me right now.

Dave talks about the roster of hosts on "Crowd Goes Wild," which Dave incorrectly refers to a number of times as "Crowd Goes Home." Dave knows the slew of hosts, but stumbles on Bob Costas. It's not Bob Costas, but that's what Dave called him. Dave can't quite place the correct name. Now Regis is confused. Regis always refers to the co-host by his last name, Kosta, but he can't remember his first name. After a few minutes, Michael Kosta is the name they settle on. Michael Kosta, not Bob Costas. When all that is done, Dave remarks, "Our conversation about that guy is the longest anyone has ever talked about him." Very funny.

It was nice to see that Dave and Regis are friends again.

"Crowd Goes Wild" – weekdays at 5 PM on Fox Sports 1.
One of the co-hosts is Jason Gay. I used to read him in the Wall Street Journal when I was trying to impress people by carrying around the Wall Street Journal. He always offered another angle to what everyone else was talking about in sports. He's good.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Join us again Monday as Dave welcomes Kevin Hart, Mo Rocca, and The Orwells. Remember, only my real show-worn ties and shirts come with the Alan Kalter-signed Certificate of Authenticity."

ACT 6:
The Beatles debuted here 50 years ago. Much has changed in that time. We take a look at this: "The Ed Sullivan Theater: Then & Now."
We take a look at the theater from 50 years ago. The Beatles are there. The crowd goes wild.
We cut to the Ed Sullivan Theater today. We see Dave at his desk. He blows his nose, and wipes. (from January 21, 2014)

ACT 7:
MS. LAURYN HILL
The 8-time Grammy Award-winning singer and songwriter is currently on an east coast tour. To close up Beatles week, Ms. Lauryn Hill performed "Something."

And that was our show for Friday February 7, 2014.
Dave during the monologue:
- "At first when I heard people saying ‘Sochi, 'I would say ‘Gedsundheit.'"
I laughed. I do the same whenever someone says the attended the upstate college of Canisius. And I would also say "Gesundheit" when I would play horseshoes and my partner or opponent would comment on a toss, "Good shoe."
So the Beatles were here 50 years ago. But who else was on with the Beatles. I'm sure Ed had another guest or for the hour show. This is what I found.
So what kind of show was it on February 9, 1964 on the Ed Sullivan Show? Here's the rundown:

THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW – SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 1964
1. ED SULLIVAN'S OPENING
2. THE BEATLES: "ALL MY LOVING"
3. THE BEATLES: "TIL THERE WAS YOU"
4. THE BEATLES: "SHE LOVES YOU"
5. FRED KAPS – CARD AND SALT SHAKER TRICK
6. THE CAST OF ‘OLIVER' – "I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU"
7. GEORGIA BROWN – FROM ‘OLIVER' – "AS LONG AS HE NEEDS ME"
8. FRANK GORSHIN – COMEDIAN/IMPRESSIONIST
9. TERRY MCDERMOTT – OLYMPIC ATHLETE (U.S. Speed skater)
10. TESSIE O'SHEA – MEDLEY OF FAVORITE SHOW TUNES
11. McCALL & BRILL – COMEDY/OFFICE SKETCH
12. THE BEATLES: "I SAW HER STANDING THERE"
13. THE BEATLES: "I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND"
14. WELLS & THE FOUR FAYS: ACROBATIC/PHYSICAL COMEDY
Yikes. Imagine Alan Kalter attempting to announce the opening of that show.
I think the Ed Sullivan Show was just an hour. Could they have squeezed that much into one hour? Obviously, the only thing Ed did was introduce the acts. There was time for very little small talk.
The above is from the Wahoo on the Beatles 40th Anniversary of performing on our stage. If we're still doing this in 10 years, you'll see it again.

And for tonight's opening announce, I included . . . "And now, with a medley of your favorite show tunes . . . . David Letterman!" You can see that, too, in Tessie O'Shea's description.
CBS signed up for 8 Thursday night football games for next season. If this makes a lot of money for the NFL, which it will, expect to see them sell more Thursday night games to network television. And you know what that means . . . . . less 1:00 Sunday games. Damn, I love 1:00 Sunday games. The more successful and popular your football team, the more you play on Sunday night and Monday night and Thursday night. For those in New England, I bet you didn't know . . . .yes, games are sometimes played at 1:00 in the afternoon.
And how did the Late Show celebrate the 30th Anniversary of the Beatles at the Ed Sullivan Theater? Here is a Top Ten list from that week.
And what was the Late Show Top Ten twenty years ago on the Beatles 30th Anniversary of their first appearance on our stage?

TOP TEN SIGNS THE BEATLES MAY BE HERE TONIGHT
10. Giant Yellow Submarine parked in front of theater
9. Street vendors selling Ringo dogs
8. They were supposed to be on last night but we ran out of time
7. The entire theater smells like Liverpool
6. Pete Best spotted in the standby ticket line
5. Saw Dan Rather outside waving his autograph book
4. Late last night Ringo's hairpiece arrived at JFK
3. Letterman spent his day warming up for post-show jam session
2. Yoko Ono spotted outside theater holding lead pipe
1. Hell has just frozen over

NEXT WEEK'S PREVIOUSLY-VIEWED PROGRAMS – due to the Olympics
MONDAY: From January 15, 2014; #3967 – Kevin Hart, Mo Rocca, and The Orwells.
TUESDAY: From January 8, 2014; #3962 – Scarlett Johannson, and John Grant. Plus, HealthBeat With Dr. Lou Arrone.
WEDNESDAY: From January 21, 2014; #3970 – Andy Samberg, Michael B. Jordan, and Ellie Goulding.
THURSDAY: From January 31, 2014; #3978 – Bill Murray, and Eagulls. Plus: Todd at Super Bowl Media Day.
FRIDAY: From January 14, 2014; #3966 – Michael Strahan, and Jennifer Nettles.

Check the Wahoo Archives and make your plans accordingly.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


Tonight's Guests

Billy Crystal
Tony Hale
LiV Warfield

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Wednesday, April 9
How does Lindsay Lohan like her scrambled eggs?
Tuesday, April 8
Dave guarantees his retirement with a signature.
Friday, April 4
LiV Warfield raises the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
Thursday, April 3
Dave and Intern Todd enjoy racing fun at the Grand Prix.
Wednesday, April 2
Bill Murray handles crowd control on 53rd Street.