Kevin Spacey, Amber Heard, and Gary Clark Jr.
PLUS: Dave’s First Joke About a President; new Good Balance Cigarettes; Winter Olympics Recap; Didn’t See That Coming; Foggy Olympic Highlight; Presidents Day Choir; and a Top Ten List with the cast of “How I Met Your Mother”
“ . . . and now, British ski-jumping legend . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
-“Here’s the deal . . . if you laugh at these jokes you get a medal.”
-“Speed skaters are blaming their poor performance on their suits. Maybe I’ll try that.”
Today is Presidents Day. Dave has told a lot of jokes about Presidents over the years. Our research department did some digging and we uncovered what may be the very first joke about a President that Dave had ever told. We take a look.
ART CARD: DAVE’S FIRST JOKE ABOUT A PRESIDENT.
We cut back LIVE to Dave. He is in scratchy black and white. We know the clip is from 1912 because it says so at the bottom of the screen.
DAVE: "President William Howard Taft is so fat, today he was in the West Wing and his ass was in the East Wing."
ART CARD: DAVE’S FIRST JOKE ABOUT A PRESIDENT.
The snow creates problems for a lot of people. We take a look at something Dave saw on television last night.
We see people trying their best to make it over snow-covered sidewalks.
ANNOUNCE: "It's difficult to walk in this weather, but it's especially difficult to walk and smoke a cigarette."
We see a guy trying to do both.
ANNOUNCE: "Introducing Good Balance cigarettes, the only cigarette with gyroscopic leveling sensors that shift the cigarette's weight to keep your center of gravity over your feet. Good Balance cigarettes: Your safety comes first."
Time now for Winter Olympics Recap – I was getting a new battery for my listening device at this moment.
ART CARD: WINTER OLYMPICS RECAP
We watch a montage of news anchors and reporters saying the word “Twizzle”.
I understand that Twizzle is some kind of maneuver in figure skating. I’m not an urban linguist, but isn’t “twizzle” something Snoop Dogg would say?
No homosexuals allowed in Russia? Well, then, how do you explain this? We see a photo of the two-man luge.
Time now for another installment of “Didn’t See That Coming.” I was just returning from getting my battery.
We cut to a news anchor reporting the following: "Charlie Sheen is now engaged to a porn star."
The Olympics are NBC’s property. We’re not allowed to use their footage or recordings of any Olympic event but Dave is always thinking, much to the surprise of many. He’s come up with a way around this. You’ve heard of the fog that has descended on Sochi? Well, we have “Foggy Olympic Highlight.
We hear a Czech winning some event. We see . . . . nothing but a thick gray fog. It’s probably how Costas has viewed the entire Olympics so far.
And everybody’s favorite event . . . Curling. We take a look at something we’re calling, “Nice Curling.”
We see a female Canadian curler sliding her stone. And it’s a terrific, match-winning shot. Oh, doctor! “Nice Curling!”
A staffer and I were up to do some curling for the show tonight. We were to sweep in front of Dave during his opening entrance. It didn’t sell all that well during rehearsal so it was put away in the closet. We won’t be seeing that. But before rehearsal, I googled “Curling Youtube” to get the proper use of the broom. I wanted my hands to be positioned just like a professional. And the clip I watched just happened to be the “Nice Curling” clip. How about that? I was hoping Dave would have approved the curling entrance because then I would have whispered a suggestion that we should do that for all the guests that night, and maybe even the whole week. Dang it, though, no curling. I should have spiced up the rehearsal with some shouts of “Hurry Harrrrrrrd! Hurry Harrrrrrd!” And then right in the middle of rehearsal I thought a better idea would be to get the U.S. Team to do the curling sweep for Dave, but I kept that idea quiet. Why should they get the air time and not me?
Dave found great enjoyment in this. We sat back on Friday night to enjoy the opening festivities of the Sochi Winter Olympics in Russia. Growing up, Dave and much of America were taught to fear the great and powerful and evil Soviet Union. We practiced air-raid drills and built bomb shelters and learned to live in holy terror. Since this occurred during a very impressionable period in Dave’s life, some of that fear of Russia still exists. So when the opening ceremonies had a flub, a malfunction, Dave was thrilled. Five snowflakes were to grow into the Olympic rings, come together, then explode in exciting pyrotechnic fireworks. But one snowflake didn’t do as ordered. It remained a snowflake and did not morph into an Olympic ring, resulting in no fireworks either. Dave sat up in his chair and let out a big, “HA! They can’t even get that snowflake to turn into a ring!” It was very satisfying to Dave, and very comforting.
TOP TEN: SURPRISES IN THE FINAL EPISODE OF “HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER” – And presenting tonight’s Top Ten List, 5 cast members of the hit CBS series:
Jason Segel, Cobie Smulders, Josh Radnor, Alyson Hannigan, and Neil Patrick Harris.
“How I Met Your Mother” is in its 9th and final season. Winner of 9 Emmy Awards, the series will conclude on March 31st. You can see it now till then Monday nights at 8:00 on CBS.
SURPRISES IN THE FINAL EPISODE OF “HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER”
10. Finale? We've been cancelled?! (Jason Segel)
9. The real father: Frank Sinatra (Cobie Smulders)
8. Fairy tale wedding with the cast of "Blue Bloods" (Josh Radnor)
7. You know that bar we hang out in? We buy it and turn it into a Duane Reade (Alyson Hannigan)
6. Together, Velma, Ted, Daphne, Shaggy, and I crack the case of the "Arcade Arsonist" (Neil Patrick Harris)
5. It's on NBC (Jason Segel)
4. For some reason, we're all naked (Cobie Smulders)
3. Someone finally points out that I don't sound like Bob Saget (Josh Radnor)
2. To find out how Ted met the mother, send a self-addressed stamped envelope and 500 dollars (Alyson Hannigan)
1. Biggest surprise? We're going off the air and Letterman's still got a show (Neil Patrick Harris)
My submission to tonight’s Top Ten List that didn’t get on: “We finally learn which one is Carter and which one is Craig.”
He’s the star of the crazy popular hit Netflix program, “House of Cards.” The entire 2nd season can now available on the NetFlix. Someday, this is how all television will be presented. Spacey must be making some incredibly big bucks in this venture. Kevin hints that the big money is in the renegotiation. Not so much from the first contract. How close to the truth of politics is “House of Cards”? Kevin says he’s been told that 99% of the show is accurate, and the other 1% is you could never get an education bill passed that quickly.
Kevin has portrayed popular singer Bobby Darwin in film. Some say he would be the first choice to play Johnny Carson if the opportunity presented itself.
He goes a tremendous Carson, which he demonstrated tonight. For me, I see Jack Benny all over him. I want Spacey to do a Jack Benny movie.
Dave is chatting with Paul when they are interrupted by a quartet of Presidents Day Carolers. They are dressed as United States Presidents. They march across the stage and stop in front of Dave’s desk, singing all the way. They stop long enough to be recognized by their moms at home. And then they march off, continue to sing. It’s not one of Dave’s favorite Presidents Day traditions. Plus, one of them stole Dave’s desk microphone. Dave suspects it was Lincoln. Looks like it’s time for Woodward and Bernstein to step out of retirement.
Tonight’s inductee into the Backstage PhotoClub: Mike Ferrante. He does something with the band and music.
ANNOUNCE: “Hope to see you again tomorrow when Dave welcomes U.S. Olympic Gold Medalist Sage Kotsenburg, Kate Mara, and Cole Swindell. Whoever got the idea to sell potting soil is a genius. It’s just bags of dirt, people!”
The gal’s from Texas. Her dad broke horses for a living. In California they call that “training” horses. Was he a horse whisperer? Amber laughs and says he was more of a horse yeller. There was not much whispering coming from him. Sounds like “old school.” Dave, a rodeo fan, says breaking horses was the genesis of the rodeo. Her dad had dreams of Amber being a famous rodeo star, but she had other ideas. At 16, she started going out and seeing the world in New York and Florida and Europe and California. At 17, she moved out altogether. She gave the news by saying something like, “You know I’m not staying here, right?” Mom and Dad objected. She was out the next day and moved to California. We see a photo of Amber and Dad all gussied-up. Dave says he looks like a guy who would be cast to play a guy like her dad, but he’s the real deal. Amber says her dad comes to all her movie shoots and is her biggest fan. The makeup artists are always so impressed with his handlebar mustache because it looks so real. Amber has to explain to them that it looks real because it is real. Hollywood isn’t used to real.
Amber Heard – she stars in the new Kevin Costner film, “3 Days To Kill.” Kevin has 3 days to accomplish a mission or else he’s dead. I get that a lot from my wife. Hey-Ohh!
“3 Days To Kill” – in theaters this Friday.
GARY CLARK JR.
From his CD, “Blak & Blu,” the Grammy Award-winning singer performed “You Saved Me.”
And that was our show for Monday, February 17, 2014.
I know NBC has the Olympics and we can’t show any events from Sochi, but what if I were in Sochi and recorded a game or a race on my iPhone-thing. Could CBS use that?
Outside of the USA/Russia hockey game last week, I’ve seen less than 10 minutes of the Winter Olympics. Don’t know why it hasn’t caught my fascination but it’s not there. I did watch one figure skater from Italy perform brilliantly but I think I stayed tuned simply for the Ave Maria she was skating to. Other than that, a few minutes of cross-country skiing, the Jamaican bobsled team, and a mogul race. I think it was the moguls that turned me off. It was the first thing I came across. The competitor is doing the moguls and then near the bottom, does a big flip. This is when I learned that judges would be involved in deciding the winner. There are style-points to be included in the time. CLICK! Just give me a time or a height or a distance . . . I don’t want “style-points” anywhere near my viewing. Then it’s just turns into a Miss America pageant. No thank you.
Spent a wonderful week painting an apartment. Such fun! You spend 95% of your time painting 2% of the room. Taping and edging and prepping and covering. It’s such a great feeling when it’s finally Roller Time! And if you think it’ll take all day, it’ll take 3 days. I learned the hard way.
he reason it costs so much to have someone paint an apartment is because everyone hates to do it. That’s the secret to succeeding in the service industry; find something people hate to do.
It’s also tough to listen to stories of staffers on what they did over their break. Lots of sun and fun and relaxation . . . while I spent most of the week painting. I felt like Charlie Brown on Halloween.
Did you watch any of the NBA All-Star game Sunday night? The Washington Generals played better defense against the Harlem Globetrotters.
Last week there was a huge snowstorm here in NYC. Mayor De Blasio decided not to call off school. Many parents were angered at the Mayor for putting their children in such danger. But all I could think of was . . . . well, then, don’t send them to school! Who is more in the wrong; the Mayor for not calling for a snow day, or the parents who sent their little darlings out in the dangerous conditions?
“I wouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this!” Was that from “The Honeymooners”?
Anybody know the 5-day forecast for Bob Costas’ pinkeye?
I couldn’t help but wonder what would have been on the news last Thursday if it hadn’t snowed. Apparently from watching the news, nothing else was happening in the world.
And now, from the files of The Donz, Late Night The Day They Were Born.
Amber Heard was born on April 22, 1986.
What happened on LATE NIGHT the day Amber Heard was born?
LATE NIGHT, April 22, 1986 (#697): Alba Ballard and her dressed-up parrots, a Stand-Up and chat with Jonathan Katz, and NY Post Assistant Managing Editor and Headline Writer Vincent Musetto, responsible for the headline "Headless Body Found in Topless Bar." Also: a call to Arnie Barnes, this week's Museum of Natural History display of the Rough Tail Stingray, a visit in the hallway with Gerard Mulligan and his new baby Kevin (portrayed by Chris Elliott), and People Who Won't Be on the Show.
And that's what happened on LATE NIGHT the day Amber Heard was born.
Michael Z. McIntee