Sage Kotsenburg, Kate Mara, and Cole Swindell.
PLUS: CBS Has the 1998 Winter Olympics; Crying Athletes; Sporting Events We Can Show; a Medal for Dave from the IOC; a Mental Picture Presented by Barbara Walters; Small Town News; and a Top Ten List.
" . . . and now, bunny slope ski patroller . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
- "New York City has had 56 inches of snow this year. 56 inches! That's significant because that was also the height of our former Mayor."
- "Watching the Olympics? Today is the giant slalom. I thought that was Anthony Weiner."
Dave is interrupted by this quick CBS promo:
ANNOUNCE/GRAPHIC slides in: "CBS: Home of the 1998 Nagano Winter Olympic Games"
We'll take it.
An NBC reporter for the Olympics broached a sensitive subject while interviewing U.S. Olympian Bode Miller. The subject was sensitive; the reporter wasn't. She was being opportunistic. Miller ended up crying. We aren't allowed to show that Olympic footage. NBC nor the International Olympic Committee will allow it. Therefore, we have to do the best we can. Instead, we'll show another athlete crying.
We cut to Dallas Cowboy receiver Terrell Owens weeping in defense of his quarterback, Tony Romo. He's not the first Cowboy supporter who cried over Tony Romo.
Don't know yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if we are looking for more crying athletes. Check any Hall of Fame induction. That should do it. But Bode's tears were over something sensitive, so I'm kinda hoping we don't pursue this much longer.
And since we can't show any Olympic highlights, we do what we can with what we got. Instead, we have this: "Sports Highlights We're Allowed to Show"
ART CARD: SPORTS HIGHLIGHTS WE'RE ALLOWED TO SHOW
From the The 1986 Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship.
We see an assortment of couples dancing their aerobic routines in a championship competition. Too many smiles, too much 1980s for me. If you can smile that much for a championship, there's something not right.
And if you missed it the first time, more of the weep of Terrell Owens.
Did you read about Newt Gingrich and what he said about John Kerry? Called him "delusional." Who is Newt Gingrich to criticize anyone, especially when he has this on this resume? We cut to Newt Gingrich making whoopee with a vending machine. (from November 7, 2011)
We come back to find a gentleman making a brisk entrance. He stands by Dave.
DAVE: "Oh, hi."
THOMAS BACH: "Hello, Dave, and hello to all your listeners. I'm Thomas Bach, Chairman of the International Olympic Committee. On behalf of all of us at the IOC, we want you to have this medal."
Bach holds up a bronze medal.
DAVE: "Really! Wow! Are you kidding me?"
THOMAS BACH: "It's just an extra bronze one we had laying around."
DAVE: "That's wonderful! Do you mind if I put it on?" (Dave puts the medal on around his neck, then goes off-script.) Thank you very much. A lot of people get fooled because they mix bronze and cardboard. But, thank you.
THOMAS BACH: "Well, not everyone can pull it off. (back on script) You're trying so hard out here, we just figured you deserve it for your effort."
DAVE: "Thank you very much."
THOMAS BACH: "Congratulations, Dave! I'll see you all in Rio!" (exits)
Dave stands there admiring his medal. Very proud. Thomas Bach comes running back.
THOMAS BACH: "I'm sorry. We do need that." He takes back the medal and runs off to the boos from the audience.
DAVE: " . . . . . . ass-'gikw'. (To decipher "gikw' simply look to the left of each letter of "gikw" on your keyboard. . . . hold it! That spells "hole". I can't print "hole"? What is this, communist Russia?!)
Justin Justin Justin . . . he's had a difficult couple of months. Lots of trouble with the police. But it's not Justin's fault. If the police simply ignored him, he wouldn't be getting arrested. Well, it looks like Justin is trying to make things right. He no longer wants to be known as Justin Bieber, but wants to be known as Bizzle. Oh, yeah, I'm happy to see he's getting his act together. That would have been so original back in the early 80s. With that, we decided to put this together: FUTURE PLANS OF BIZZLE
ART CARD: FUTURE PLANS OF BIZZLE
- "Throwing ezzles" - carton of eggs
- "Being carried by stezzles by his security guarzzles." - J.B. on the shoulders of his security guards.
- "Drazz razzling" - yellow Lamborghini
- "and rezzizling arezzle" - Police
- "Best of luzzle, Bizzle."
We live in a crazy new world. Things are changing constantly at an incredible rapid pace. Things you couldn't imagine happening a few years ago is commonplace today. What is Dave getting at? Well, there is a show on TV called "The View." Barbara Walters, a friend of the show, very smart, very sweet . . . Barbara Walters announced this morning that she has . . . . . she uses a device . . . . . it's not a weed wacker . . . it's not a hair dryer . . . let's say it's a device that is useful when every man is in prison. Paul, playing What's My Line, asks if it has anything in common with a weed wacker. We take a look at this announcement concerning Barbara Walters' announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "After watching Barbara Walters discuss her use of a personal erotic device on 'The View' . . . cut to Whoopi Goldberg: . . . "The name of Barbara's vibrator is 'Selfie.'"
ANNOUNCE: "Columbia University Medical Center researchers are developing a procedure to prevent the human brain's neural network from converting that information into an image. To support our efforts, donate now to the Barbara Walters Erotic Imagery Prevention Foundation. Every dollar counts."
It's Tuesday, so you know what that means. Time for . . . .
SMALL TOWN NEWS
- From Wheeling, West Virginia - The News-Register - "No Reports of Food Illness at Italian Festival"
- From Anderson, Indiana - The Herald Bulletin - Dave is excited because Anderson, Indiana is right next to Muncie, Indiana, where Dave went to college at Ball State: "Lost & Found: "LOST MINI BLACK schnauzer. She is old with a red beard and bad breath"
- From Rochester, Minnesota - The Post-Bulletin: "FOUND: Stainless steel roaster with roast"
- Brainerd, Minnesota - The Brainerd Dispatch: "Police Blotter: "A report of smoke being observed coming out of a chimney."
- Palestine, Texas - The Palestine Herald Press: Outdoors: "Crapping in the Cold" - photo of two guys in a boat fishing for crappies.
- Orlando, Florida - The Orlando Sentinel - "Miss Venezuela Gabriela Isler was crowned Saturday as the 2013 Miss Universe." I've heard times are tough in Venezuela these days, but Miss Venezuela looks a lot like a man . . and not a very good-looking one.
Only six Small Town News items. Students of the game would know tonight's show went long and some News items were sacrificed.
Hey, now that . . . . well, you know . . . yeah . . . Small Town News is back where it belongs here at the Late Show. Small Town Headlines?
Actually, Dave has said it many times before that we got the idea for Small Town News from Steve Allen.
The Olympic Gold Medal winner in the Men's Slopestyle. He won the very first Gold at this year's Olympics in Sochi.
Sage says he started snowboarding at 5 years old. He added, "It's good to get the learning out of the way early." It sounded like a funny line but there is a lot of wisdom in that. The conditions for his event were soft and a bit slushy. This isn't good for speed skiers, but just fine for snowboarding and sloping. He says they had to make some changes to the course when the boarders practiced their runs. Sage says, "They moved the knuckles up a little bit." And what does that mean? He explains, "The knuckle of the jump . . . it's where you don't want to land. They were too low for how high you were going." They had to lower the pop of the jump. The more I listen to Sage and read up on snowboarding, the lingo all makes sense.
Sage hadn't won a big contest in 9 years. His last big competition he won was when he was 11.
It was a bit of a surprise for him to even make the team. He went just to go and have fun. What made this different? Sage has no idea. He tried a trick he never tried before. Is that a good idea? He doesn't recommend it but it worked for him. Dave reads a description of Sage's winning run.
"I dropped in, did a cab 270 onto the first down rail, then followed up with a half-cab on, back five off, on the second feature, and then a half-cab up, lay backslide 180 off the cannon box, then a cab double cork 1260 Holy Crail from ten off the toe with rocket air, then a back 1620 Japan." And it's just that easy!
Sage didn't attend the opening ceremonies because it was too long and tedious, and he had to be up early for practice the next morning. See that, doubters? He is responsible! He watched the ceremonies back at the hotel then fell asleep watching "Fight Club."
So, what's next for Sage Kotsenburg? Sage isn't quite sure. He figures he'll chill and go ride some powder back home and get away from everybody. Dave shares some of his own snowboarding lingo which seems to work. Sage and Dave exchange fist bumps.
Damn, are you sure we didn't get this guy out of Central Casting? Good for Sage. May seem like a bit of a goofball, but that's what you're supposed to be at that age, especially if you're a snowboarder. And if you think you can win a Gold Medal without being hard-working, dedicated, determined, and a student of the sport, you be big-time wrong.
A charmed Dave exclaims that we've had a million guests here on the show over the past 30 years . . . Sage Kotsenburg is the guy Dave would want his son to be. And it has nothing to do with his winning a Gold Medal. It's just a guy who is doing what he loves, doing good things, having lots of fun, and being a polite guy.
TOP TEN: THINGS UTTERED IN A TWO-MAN LUGE - we see a photo of a two-man luge. I thought that wasn't allowed in Sochi. Dave has some fun with the word "uttered." Not a word he would go with in the naming of this category.
THINGS UTTERED IN A TWO-MAN LUGE
8. "Let's try it with the sled between us."
4. "Just like flying SouthWest.
3. "You mean there's a one-man luge?"
1. "Your Putin is wedged in my Sochi."
ANNOUNCE: "Get back here tomorrow for Dave with U.S. Olympic Gold Medalist Kaitlyn Farrington, Lupita Nyong'o, and Little Dragon. Can handwriting analysis reveal when a skywriter is depressed or anxious? Our experts have the answer, after this."
From "House of Cards." Kate comes from a football family; Dad's side owns the New York Giants; his mom comes from the family who own the Pittsburgh Steelers. Her sister, Rooney, is also an actress who has paid us a visit. Kate is happy to be part of the hit series, "House of Cards" and explains her parents have had to sit through a lot of crap she's been in, so it's nice to have them sit through this good stuff.
How is Dad with her semi-nudity in photo shoots and acting gigs? Kate says she's convinced him that it's "just acting, dad." Dad has since bought a racehorse and named it, "It's Just Acting, Dad."
I think if my dad was to buy a racehorse and name it after a frequent refrain of mine when I was young, he would probably name the horse, "But it's not mine, dad."
"House of Cards" - the entire 2nd season is now available on the NetFlix.
From his self-titled CD and making his network television debut, Cole Swindell banged out a raucous country "Chillin' It."
And that was our show for Tuesday February 18, 2014.
Huge puddles on every street corner here in New York City. Melting snow and ice. There is nothing better than to sit and watch pedestrians who think the puddle is an inch vdeep and then discovering is halfway up their shin. I could watch it all day long. And I suggested we put a camera at the corner of 55th and Broadway and cut to it throughout the show. Great anticipation with frequent great results. BUZZ!
I got the typical, "Yeah, that would be funny . . . . " and then trail off. But aren't we in the business of funny?
My wife and daughter took a trip up to Ithaca College to take a look at where half my paycheck will be going next year. My other daughter will be taking a trip in a couple weeks to Fairfield University in Connecticut to take look at where the other half of my paycheck will be going. And speaking of paychecks, my Fairfield daughter is spending the day in the city today with my credit card. Zingo ouch!
From the files of Mr. Don Giller:
LATE NIGHT THE DAY THEY WERE BORN.
Sage Kotsenburg: born July 27, 1993.
What happened on LATE NIGHT the day Sage Kotsenburg was born?
LATE NIGHT, July 27, 1993: repeat of May 22, 1991.
What happened on LATE NIGHT on May 22, 1991?
LATE NIGHT, May 22, 1991 (#1475): Jerry Seinfeld, Jon Miller (voice of the Baltimore Orioles), Shawn Colvin (performed "Diamond in the Rough"), and Rik Mayall (plugs film "Drop Dead, Fred"). Also: Dumb Ads and Top Ten Other Approved Exercises for Bush:
10. Bench-pressing Sununu's expense reports.
9. Air guitar.
8. Doing the hula to Neil Diamond records.
7. Running to top of Capitol steps then jumping up and down like Rocky.
6. Joining Secret Service in game of keep-away with Quayle's hat.
5. Looking for leftover Easter eggs on White House lawn.
4. Crushing beer cans against his forehead.
3. Exercise the ol' pocket veto, if you know what I mean.
2. Sweatin' to the oldies.
1. Bar hopping with Ted Kennedy.
And that's what happened on LATE NIGHT the day Sage Kotsenburg was born.
Yes, Sage Kotsenburg is one month older than the Late Show. Think of it, if you started practicing snowboarding and slopestyling the day Sage was born, YOU could be an Olympic Gold Medal winner right now. YOU could have been on tonight's show! But no. You've spent that time sitting on the sofa, watching TV, and reading the Wahoo Gazette.
**** EXTRA LATE NIGHT The Day They Were Born****
Kate Mara: born February 27, 1983.
What happened on LATE NIGHT the day Kate Mara was born?
LATE NIGHT, February 27, 1983: fell on a Sunday. There was no LATE NIGHT aired that day.
What happened on LATE NIGHT the day after Kate Mara was born?
LATE NIGHT, February 28, 1983: repeat of March 3, 1982.
What happened on LATE NIGHT on March 3, 1982?
LATE NIGHT, March 3, 1982 (#19): Peter Ustinov (plugs film "Evil Under the Sun"), Karen Rogers (19-year-old female horse jockey who won a race on February 25, 1982 at Aquaduct while her horse had broken its leg), and a Stand-Up with Elayne Boosler. Also: NYC Subway Fashion Show, A Look at Theme Restaurants, and Nightcap Theater, Part 2: "Plan 9 From Outer Space."
And that's what happened on LATE NIGHT the day after Kate Mara was born.
Thanks for the Wahoo filler, Donz!
The Fab Faux, coming to a venue near you! Check it out!
February 22nd - Fort Lauderdale at the Parker Playhouse
March 1st - Easton Pennsylvania at the State Theater
March 8th - Queens College in the Kupferberg Center
March 15th -- Montclair, New Jersey at the Wellmont Theater.
Michael Z. McIntee