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Thursday, February 20, 2014 Dave gets a visit from Pat Farmer and hit buddy, Little Pat.
Show #3987
Joss Christensen, Gus Kenworthy, Nick Goepper, Keri Russell, and Terry Fator.
PLUS: From The Files; the Rabbit Lady; Sports Highlights Were Allowed to Show; the Debut of Little Pat; the Clown Shortage; Graham Fenwick-Jones; and a Top Ten List.

. . . and now, all stoked to send it . . . . . . . . David Letterman!!

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:
With little background information leading into this piece, Dave throws right to something we call From The Files. It sheds light on how old news is never quite old. What happened then has influence of what happens today.
ART CARD: FROM THE FILES.
We see a front page of an old New York Times newspaper, back in Edisons day. The camera highlights an articled, headlined: "Curious pulsating machine invented by Mr. Edison . . . the camera pans down for more . . . Miss Barbara Walters, Young Journalist, Places Order"
ART CARD: FROM THE FILES.

And if you missed it last night, Dave does his impersonation of the sound of Barbara Walters personal device. Like to see Terry Fator try to do better than that.
And have you seen this viral video of a woman who has a pack of rabbits following her. Shes like the Pied Piper without a flute . . . and with rabbits instead of rats. Yeah, just like the Pied Piper. We take a look at the . . . creepy clip of a woman skipping down the street with a hundred bunnies hopping in her follow. Had to be 500 of them. But when she started, there were only 16. Hey-Ohhhhh!
I guess it was kind of a cute clip. I guess it was for edification purposes only.

NBC has a stranglehold on their Olympic footage. No one can get close to it. But we will not be denied. If you cant show Olympic footage, well show footage we can show in something called, "Sports Highlights We're Allowed to Show."
ART CARD: SPORTS HIGHLIGHTS WERE ALLOWED TO SHOW
We put Shecky to work today and had him come up with some classic black and white footage of sports-like events. We see a guy ice skating on his head and knocking over bowling pins, a camel skiing, and a guy on skate falling on a purposely discarded banana peel.
No need to DVR that piece. Well probably show it again in four years.
ART CARD: SPORTS HIGHLIGHST WERE ALLOWED TO SHOW

Out of the clip, we see Pat Farmer and a similarly-dressed partner enter and stand by Dave.
DAVE: Oh, hi, Pat. Its our stagehand, Pat Farmer. What can I do for you, Pat?
PAT: (to the guy next to him) Go on, you can do it.
BOBBY: "Pat won't be able to interrupt your show for a few weeks because he's going on vacation, so he asked me to interrupt your show while he's away."
DAVE: I see. Well, we don't really want the show interrupted . . . . whether Pat is here or not. And who are you, by the way?
BOBBY: "I'm Bobby, the stagehand who kind of looks like a miniature version of Pat."
PAT: "Yeah, I guess I can see that. You do look like a miniature version of . . . but the show has started and we dont really need an interruption.
BOBBY: (to Pat) "I forget, Pat. What am I supposed to do when he gets all bitchy like this?
Pat whispers in Bobbys ear.
BOBBY: (as if reading off cue cards) "You don't need to get pissy, you withered old hag!"
PAT: "I think we should leave now, Little Pat."
They exit. Nicely done, and a star is born.

After that, Dave needs a show-brightener and decides to go back to take another look at the lady and her bunny rabbits
We cut to a scene from Night of the Lepus where a town is attacked by giant attacking rabbits. Much destruction and bloodshed. Oh, the humanity! Oh, the money people wasted to see Night of the Lepus.

Did you hear the good news? There is a clown shortage, not just here in America but all around the world. Actually, the only clown you can find here in New York City is at The Met during "Pagliacci". We take a look at this announcement about the sudden lack of clowns.
ANNOUNCE (over footage of clowns) "They once numbered in the tens of thousands, but now clowns are rapidly disappearing from the American landscape. So to preserve this endangered species, the government has initiated a Clown Breeding Program in which our top scientists teach these notoriously timid creatures how to mate." We see clowns making very suggestive balloon animals and figures . . . suggestive only if you have that kind of mind. And from the reaction of the audience, many have that kind of mind.

ACT 2:
Daves idea . . . . the most popular event in the more popular Summer Olympics is swimming. Dave suggests swimming be brought into the Winter Olympics in an event called Ice Cold Swimming. Dave hasnt said it in a long time, being proud of his idea, claims there is no off position on the genius switch. Yes, Dave, but there is dimmer, and in this case the dimmer was turned way down.

We couldnt get Costas tonight, so to get the latest on whats going on in Sochi for the Winter Olympics we visit with CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones.
Split-screen of Dave and Graham.
DAVE: Good evening, Graham. Thanks for joining us.
GRAHAM: (pauses for satellite delay) Hello, and good evening, Dave.
DAVE: In your opinion, what have been the biggest stories from the 2014 Olympics?
GRAHAM: (pauses for satellite delay) Dave, its been quite a fortnight in Sochi. There were high hopes for Shaun White before he went from Jack the Lad to Joe Soap; the Bode Miller did a Devon Loch, and of course, the U.S. hockey team ripped Russia at the post while a scundered Vladimir Putin threw a stecky in the stands.
DAVE: And what about all the talk of the facilities in Russia being ready? Were things as bad as they seemed?
GRAHAM: (pauses for satellite delay) It was a pigs breakfast, Dave. While were stuck at the hotel getting lurgy off whiffy water that gives us the whirlies, Putins playing silly beggars cocking a snook at any uphill gardener who might have a skeg at his jacksie.
DAVE: Of course, and have you had the opportunity to meet any Olympic athletes?
GRAHAM: (pauses for satellite delay) Id like to, but theyre busy knobbing each other silly. Everywhere you look, its throbbing todgers and bullocks, and more quim and heaving charlies than at all the knocking ships in London.
DAVE: Thank you, Graham. Graham Fenwick-Jones, ladies and gentlemen.

Yes, he is becoming easier and easier to understand. And as always, the satellite delay was a hoot.

How much of a student of the Late Show are you? We went to a solo shot of Graham during the exchange between Dave and Graham. We went off the split-screen/two-shot. And when we came back to the split screen, Dave said a quick thank you. Can you figure out why? Well, we edited the end by 20 seconds or so for time sake. We went off Dave for continuity sake. It was a very good edit because you could barely detect the change in Graham when we went from the one-shot to the split-screen. But dont tell anyone. Its supposed to be a secret.
Anyway, I think thats what happened.

ACT 3:
JOSS CHRISTENSEN (gold), GUS KENWORTHY (silver), AND NICK GOEPPER (bronze).
The trio swept the Olympic podium in the Slopestyle Skiing competition. Nick is an old-hat, here just a few weeks ago. The guys are living a dream right now. Dave is very proud of fellow Hoosier Nick and his Bronze. Dave wonders if an Indianan ever won a medal at the Winter Olympics. Dave said if he were Nick, hed go back to Lawrenceberg and just walk up and down the street with the medal around his neck waving at cars. Proud moment. From their stories, it seems the three desired the excitement, the thrills, and the freedom of snowboarding and slopestyle skiing provided that the more structured skiing events did not. And Gus says he got started in this crazy skiing style by following in his brothers ski-steps. DING! My theory: most Olympians are younger siblings. They get into their sport at a real early age following an older brother or sister.
What is next for the three? Joss says its been a hectic 6 months of pretty much non-stop competition just to make the Olympic team, so he plans on having no plans for a while. Congratulations to the three. Kelloggs put them on the cover of their Kelloggs Corn Flakes. And on the back of the box, the side that is not visible from the supermarket aisle, the three are shown with a smiling Dave.

ACT 4:
TOP TEN: SIGNS YOURE STAYING AT A BAD HOTEL
Problems persist with the hotels of the athletes and media at the Sochi Olympics. Dave reads from a blue card some of the problems that can still be found at the Sochi hotels.
- Missing bathroom fixtures
- Yellow drinking water
- Open elevator shafts
- Construction workers wandering in and out of rooms.

Dave laughs at the examples and says, This is tremendous! Did you hear that? DID YOU HEAR THAT? Dave called my informational blue card tremendous!

TOP TEN: SIGNS YOURE STAYING AT A BAD HOTEL
10. Its not a waterbed, although it is damp.
5. Mint on pillow eaten by bed bugs.
3. Glowing TV not plugged in.
2. Neon arrow on roof points to different hotel.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: Join us tomorrow for Dave and his guests Pauley Perrette, comedian Jeff Caldwell, and Lake Street Dive. Good news for folks considering cremation: You can now choose Regular or Cajun Spice. Stick around.

ACT 6:
KERI RUSSELL
Keri admits to being jealous of the cute and young and carefree Olympians. Has Dave ever been so young and carefree? Dave says he was indeed once young and carefree . . . but he never had anything going on.
Keri lives in nearby Brooklyn and she had a break-in recently. She was alone and she heard footsteps upstairs. Instead of calling the cops, she crept upstairs to investigate herself. Luckily, the burglar had already left. She found the window open and stuff strewn about. Stuff was obviously stolen. Then she decided to call the cops. All this was about 3:00 AM. By 5:00 AM, she got a knock on the door. It was the cops. They had all her stuff. They caught the guy riding a bicycle. Ta da! From what I remember, the cops that caught the guy must have been rookies. A veteran would have known to make the arrest closer to quitting time so to pad the overtime.
Keri is a pet owner. She have pets in Brooklyn? Keri says she and the family have a catfin and three chickens. Dave interrupts. Whats a catfin? Keri repeats, slower this time . . . a cat named Finn. Ahh! The family has a cat and some chickens. Yes, when I think of Brooklyn, I too think of a chicken farm. Keri says when she moved into the Brooklyn place, the backyard had a chicken coop. The family gave away all the chickens, but left the coop. Keri decided to fill the coop with chickens. We learn a bit about Daves growing up. Dave says his grandparents owned or ran a chicken farm. Dave still remembers how great fresh eggs taste . . . so much better than supermarket eggs. Eggs you get from your own chickens are so much more superior. Dang it, now I gotta go get me some fresh eggs and try them myself.

Keri Russell see her in the popular series, The Americans on the FX, Wednesdays at 10:00 PM. The second season premieres on the 26th.

ACT 7:
TERRY FATOR
The crazy successful Terry Fator headlines his very own theater at The Mirage Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. The impressionist/ventriloquist/comedians new DVD, Terry Fator: Live In Concert is available now. Helping Terry tonight is Dougie Scott Walker, Winston the Impersonating Turtle, and a singing lawyer, Berry Fabulous.

And that was our show for Thursday February 20, 2014.

Keri Russell and Dave talking about fresh eggs reminded me of a story. Not sure how much I remember. As a kid, my father used to sell eggs . . . or maybe he knew someone who used to sell eggs. He would rub supermarket eggs in some chicken-djoy . . . to decipher djoy simply look to the left of each letter in djoy on your keyboard . . . . he would rub supermarket eggs in some chicken-djoy. Customers would rave about how good the fresh eggs were. And they knew they were fresh because the djoy on the eggshells told them they just came out of the chickens butt. Cant get fresher than that.

Be sure to tune in for Fridays show. You will see a clip of Barbara Walters as you have never seen her before . . . . or at least how most of you have never seen her before.

Ding dong . . . its Donz!
LATE NIGHT THE DAY THEY WERE BORN!

Joss Christensen: born December 20, 1991
What happened on LATE NIGHT the day Joss Christensen was born?
LATE NIGHT, December 20, 1991 (#1565): Penn & Teller (a watch and fish trick: Penn & Teller pull Dave's Breitling from the belly of a lake trout), Amanda Donahue (promotes "L.A. Law"), and a stand-up by and chat with John Witherspoon. Also: Viewer Mail (with the staff in band uniforms), a New York City Holiday Quiz, and Dave compares the ages of television producers (LATE NIGHT producer Robert Morton: 26; Today Show producer: 26; GMA producer: 11).

And that's what happened on LATE NIGHT the day Joss Christensen was born.

***BONUS LATE NIGHT The Day They Were Born***
Gus Kenworthy: born October 1, 1991
What happened on LATE NIGHT the day Gus Kenworthy was born?
LATE NIGHT, October 1, 1991 (#1526): Teri Garr (plugs new tv show "Good and Evil") and chef Graham Kerr (host of "Galloping Gourmet and a cooking demo). Also: Live Remote camera at the Times Square Jumbotron and a call to a nearby pay phone so that the guy who answers it sees himself on the Jumbotron, and the Top Ten Highlights of Bush's Visit to Disney World:
10. Posed as wax figure in Hall of Presidents and goosed tourists.
9. Surprised to discover Dukakis in a duck suit.
8. Cocktails and pellets with Mickey.
7. Millie getting into cryogenic chamber and licking frozen body of Walt Disney.
6. Substantive discussions with Goofy regarding possible spot on 92 ticket.
5. Sununu using Dumbo ride to visit dentist in Orlando.
4. Demonstration of technology that allows costumed characters to go 3 days without taking a leak.
3. 47 mouse-shaped ice cream bars consumed by Barbara.
2. Pluto and Millie sniffing each other.
1. Pluto and Quayle sniffing each other.

And that's what happened on LATE NIGHT the day Gus Kenworthy was born.

***BONUS LATE SHOW The Day They Were Born***
Nick Goepper: born March 14, 1994
What happened on LATE SHOW the day Nick Goepper was born?
LATE SHOW, March 14, 1994 (#125): Alan King and Aretha Franklin (performed "Deeper Love"). Also: Roof Cam: Dave gets a bouncer at Flashdancer's a manicure from the Insoo Salon. Later, Alan King is seen getting a manicure outside. And the Top Ten Other Hillary Clinton Mistakes.

And that's what happened on LATE SHOW the day Nick Goepper was born.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


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