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Monday, February 24, 2014 It's the Late Show With A Toaster!
Show #3989
Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting, Dale Earnhardt Jr., and The Fray.
PLUS: Tony Danza Breaking News; Piers Morgan’s greatest hits; the Olympic Closing Ceremony; Dave’s skiing story; a Top Ten List; and how to get rid of an annoying klaxon.

“ . . . and now, with the power of 4 double-A batteries . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:

-“Hello. I’m Dave Letterman, the first openly old late night talk show host.”
-“The world’s largest supplier in cocaine, El Chapo, was captured in Mexico this weekend. What you may not know is he was also in charge of catering Charlie Sheen’s upcoming wedding.”

We get a sudden break in the show. It’s “Breaking Tony Danza News” --- we see Mr. Danza
proclaim, "I am a longtime Metamucil user."

Piers Morgan is leaving his “Piers Morgan Live” show on the CNN. It’s going to be hard to find someone else that would make sense hosting the “Piers Morgan Live” show. I imagine they’ll have to change the name of the show. Since he’s going to step away, we decided to put together this piece entitled, “The Best of ‘Piers Morgan Live’”
We see Piers interviewing that once-fat Jared “Subway” guy. Piers asks, "So, Jared, you've got your old fat-pants, haven't you? Let's have a look at them." ART CARD: THE BEST OF ‘PIERS MORGAN LIVE’”

Progress . . . . . it’s hard to keep up with this ever-changing world. Some predict that within 40 years, machines will be doing most of our jobs. That’s why we prepared this segment while we still can.
ANNOUNCE: “Late night talk show host.”
We cut to a vt of Dave’s desk. Sittting on the desk is a toaster. From the toaster, up pops a card that reads: “Chris Christie is fat.”
ANNOUNCE: "Thanks for watching 'Jobs That Could Be Done by Machines.' " Don’t worry, people. If the machines of the future are anything like today’s copiers, there will be millions of jobs in repair and maintenance. You’ll always have work.

Who cares? The Olympics are over and we’re going to show Olympic footage whether NBC likes it or not. We show some highlights of the Closing Ceremony from the Sochi Winter Olympics yesterday.
ANNOUNCE: (from the Games) "For the closing ceremony now, the entrance of the flags and parade of athletes."
It’s a scene from the 1980s Flash Gordon movie. Not to be mistaken with the “Flesh Gordon” movie I saw at a drive-in around the same time.

ACT 2:
During the pre-show Q&A, a guy in the balcony from Bayonne threw his hat down on stage. We’ll keep it for the duration of the show and it will be returned to the “gentleman” afterwards. Is anybody surprised he’s from Bayonne? Tom Jones used to get women’s undergarments thrown at him on stage. Dave gets a man’s hat.

Watching the Winter Olympics these past two weeks got Dave in the mood to do some skiing. Dave has dabbled a bit in the skiing, but he’s not all that adept. Writer Bill Scheft suggested that they go skiing to ease down from the Olympic high. Paul said he wanted in on this, too, so the three of them; Bill, Dave, and Paul, went on a road trip for a skiing get-away. It was a long 16-hour ride. It would have been a long tedious journey but Bill was kind enough to bring some weed. Well, they arrive at the ski destination and there is a guy at the bottom of the hill by the chairlift. At the top, there is another guy at the disembarking locale. Dave isn’t sure how skiing works and wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do, but he saw the guy at the top of the chairlift and figured Dave was supposed to tip him. Dave mittened over a 20. This happened again the next time around, and then again and again. Dave kept slipping the guy a twenty. Finally, the guy said to Dave that this was unnecessary. He told Dave he didn’t have to give him money each time he got off the chairlift. My guess is this must have been at the end of the guy’s shift. Anyway, the guy tells Dave he doesn’t have to give money each time he gets off the chairlift. Dave said he admits to feeling awkward about the whole thing, but why . . . why does the sign say, “Keep Tips Up”?
Fanfare from Paul. Dave stands and waves in appreciation.

Oooh, something for my files. Almost forgot. At the top of the show, Dave threw a two-handed kiss to the audience. And then after his story, he stood, waved, and threw a one-handed kiss to the audience. It doesn’t quite fit into my ODD DAVE file, but I know it’s where I will look when asked to find such a shot.

TOP TEN: TOP TEN OTHER KING KULLEN CUSTOMER COMPLAINTS -A Long Island man bought a cake at a King Kullen supermarket and when he cut into it, found mold and rat body parts.
Dave says he hasn’t been to a King Kullen in years. The last time was in Long Island. Dave wonders a bit about King Kullen. Is it a supermarket chain across the country? I had the info . . . just in case this was to be pursued. There are 40 King Kullen supermarkets on Long Island, and that is all. It’s not nationwide, though it is billed as America’s First Supermarket.

8. Butcher’s apron Is clean but cashier’s shirt is covered in blood.
6. Where is the things Bruno Mars sang at the Super Bowl? (I missed this pre-show reference)
1. Caught the butcher tenderizing himself

ACT 3:

She’s got a hit TV series in “The Big Bang Theory” and a new addition to her name. A big congrats on her recent marriage to Ryan Sweeting. He’s a tennis player, and Kaley has played the tennis for much of her childhood. They met on a blind date. He came over . . . and he never left. Dave wonders if he brought his “ball machine.” Everything moved quite fast; date/move in/marriage. They met in July and were married 6 months later. Wow! You mean they were able to get a venue in less than 6 months? We take a look at some wedding photos, including an upside-down chandelier cake . . . and it hung from the ceiling, sort of. What the bride wants, the bride gets.
They’ve since moved into a new home that came with a peacock. We get a look at Petey. Kaley says the peacock walks around so proud and uppity as if he owns the place. It’s not rare to find Petey lounging inside on the living room sofa. Petey sounds like an old college roommate who stops by for an extended visit.
Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting – The Big Bang Theory continues to do boffo. Find it Thursday nights at 8:00 PM on the CBS.

ACT 4:
While Dave is chatting about this and that, we hear the honking of a klaxon horn. Where is it coming from? The band? Backstage? Nobody knows. Alan Kalter then enters and sits on the edge of Dave’s desk.
ALAN (to the camera and home audience): “How many times has this happened to you? Hi, I’m celebrity Alan Kalter and if you’ve got a bothersome klaxon, industrial electric horn, or civil defense siren that’s getting on your last nerve, then it’s time to call Kalter and Songs Klaxon Removal Service. “ Cut to vt while Alan announces over it. We see a young couple being bothered tremendously by a sirening Klaxon horn in their overpriced small city apartment. Workers for Kalter & Sons enter and remove the klaxon that is blaring from the upper corner of their den. The young couple are pleased and satisfied.
ALAN: "Our engineers have over 50 years experience in disabling and disposing of annoying klaxons. It's what we do and it's what we do well! So if you have an annoying klaxon in your home or office, call Kalter & Sons today. Your peace of mind depends on it!
So Dave, when would you like our engineers to come over and start the job?"
DAVE: “Get out of here, Alan. Just get out . . . now.”
Alan grows angry with Dave, and lets him have it.
ALAN: "Oh, yeah, I get it. I see how it is. You're jealous of my success!
Well, screw you, ass-‘gikw’. Screw you!” (Alan ups and slowly exits out the guest entrance, ranting all the way) "I break my back trying to breathe a little life into this show, looking for some action for me . . . . and for my family. And when I try to get a little piece of the action, I get my head chewed off! I try to promote my business. Suck-face here gets his pants out of whack, taking cheap shots at me, treating me like crap. I deserve respect. I'm not going to stand for this! That bloated gasbag owes me an apology! In writing! I want a written apology . . . " And so on into commercial.

Tonight’s inductee into the Backstage PhotoClub: writer Chris Belair. And, yes, that was Chris playing the apartment dweller with the blaring klaxon. Writer? Whoa! I say “Actor!” Great job by Chris Belair . . . and wife Kerry!! They’re like Pitt and Jolie those two!

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “It’s a great one tomorrow as Dave welcomes U.S. gold medal Olympian Ted Ligety, Kat Dennings, and Lo-Fang. Hey, teens! Here’s a slang suggestion! How about calling a vestibule a ‘vesty’?”

ACT 6:

Our 2014 Daytona 500 champion! The Daytona is always highly anticipated since it is the biggest NASCAR race of the year . . . the the first NASCAR race of the year. It means that spring is knocking on the door. Baseball is warming up, March is right around the corner, we can almost see winter in the rear view. This is Junior’s 2nd Daytona 500 win; his first a decade ago. He’s come in 2nd in three of the last 4 years so it’s very satisfying for Dale Jr. to get the checkered flag. The race started right at 1:30 PM and was delayed 6 hours due to rain.

What happened? All of a sudden I’m tying in red and underlined. What did I press? And why is the CTRL button so close to the shift button? Dammit! And I was moving along so well.
And the more I try to fix it, the worse it gets.

Oh, well, I can’t go on. Dale and NASCAR keep a very hectic and busy schedule. 38 races in 42 weeks. The last time Dale won the Daytona, he came to the Late Show and spun doughnuts out on 53rd Street. We take a look of his doughnut fun going into commercial from February 17, 004.

ACT 7:

From their brand new CD, “Helios,” in stores Tuesday, The Fray performed “Love Don’t Lie.”

And that was our show for Monday, February 24, 2014.

I pitched this idea during the show. In the ACT 4 when Alan went into his continuous rant into commercial, I suggested the ACT 5 should be the regular audience sweep with the same chyron and graphics, but instead of Alan billboarding tomorrow’s show, he would still be ranting in anger. BUZZ! Instead we got what we get every other night.

You know how some companies will have a sign somewhere in the building that reads: “93 days since our last accident.” Well, I’m thinking of putting up a sign by our copier that reads: “4 days since the last repair.” It’s just about a weekly occurrence, and usually on a two-show day.

The Daytona 500 was held up for about 6 hours due to rain. During the down time, FOX showed last year’s Daytona. Yeah, I’m sure that didn’t cause too much confusion. FOX News reported that Jimmie Johnson had won the race, not realizing it was last year’s Daytona. The good news is I won a bundle at the bar betting on Johnson. But besides all that, wouldn’t it have been more interesting to replay a Daytona 500 from 30-40 years ago?

When do the Winter Olympics start?
I watched very little of the Winter Olympics this year. Not sure why. I was actually pulling for Canada against the USA in Men’s hockey because it means more to our Canadian friends to the north. Plus, win or lose, they’re all millionaires so you can’t feel too bad for USA’s poor showing. For the women, I was rooting hard for our girls. The Olympics for them is the ultimate; nothing higher. Women don’t have a Stanley Cup or a fat paycheck waiting for them. I think the Men’s USA hockey team should go back to the amateurs. Let them play against the professionals and if they win a Gold once every 50 years, well, it would be well worth the wait. I’m still enjoying the 1980 Miracle on Ice.

I was a college senior in 1980. This was before cell phones, before the internet, before 1,000 TV channels. Early in February, the Soviet Union trounced the USA hockey team at Madison Square Garden, 10-3, as a tune up for the Olympics. It was pretty much a done-deal that the USSR would go home with the Gold in Lake Placid in a fortnight. I returned from class late afternoon and plopped down my books and butt on the couch. I turned on my little black and white TV. The news comes on. The WPIX sports anchor Jerry Girard opens the show. I thought that was odd. Why sports? He says the following: “I am going to say this twice because you’re not going to believe it the first time . . . The United States Olympic hockey team just defeated the Soviet Union. The United States Olympic hockey team . . . . . just defeated the Soviet Union, 4-3, in Lake Placid.” That’s all I heard. I ran around the apartment, stunned, looking for a few dollars. I ran out into the street. I ran to the nearby bar, The Stadium, on Main Street in Cortland, New York. I burst through the door. A barkeep was toweling the bar. Two locals sat with their drinks. Four were in the back playing pool. I tried to speak but nothing came out. I finally was able to stammer, “Turn on the TV! Turn on the TV! You’re not going to believe it!” The guys playing pool stopped and came over. I said with a huge gushing smile, “It’s unbelievable!” As the bartender turned on the TV, he asked “What channel?” “Any channel!” I said. “The News!” The TV warms up and a picture soon appears. We see celebration in Lake Placid. Flags are waved. People are crying with joy. We soon hear that the United States defeated the Soviet Union in ice hockey. Hugging and black slapping all around the bar. And then I ran out into the street with beer in hand. It was like a slow avalanche of people descending into town, running with pure, ecstatic joy. Two days later USA defeated Finland for the Gold. The town, well, rinse and repeat.
I’ve never watched “The Miracle On Ice” movie. I don’t want it to get in the way of my memory.

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.