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Tuesday, February 25, 2014 Kat Dennings tells Dave about the ordeal with her finger.
Show #3990
Ted Ligety, Kat Dennings, and Lo-Fang.
PLUS: Breaking Tony Danza News; Affordable Alternatives to Disney World; Stagehand Gene Szymanski Inspects His Teeth; Jeb is considering; a Top Ten list; and Dave converses with infomercials.

" . . . and now, your host of the "Family Feud" . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:
- "CNN is getting rid of Piers Morgan. Americans can't stand the way he pronounces 'vitamin" as "vitta-min.'" I laughed at this because when we had Sarah Ferguson on the show back on April 29, 1999, Dave giggled at the way she said "vitta-min." Why I remember that 15 years later, I don't know.
- "A Texas congressman wants to make it legal to sell roadkill in restaurants. Now when you ask your waiter for the day's special, he says, 'Wait, let me check the interstate.'"

Sudden interrupt. Graphic reads: BREAKING TONY DANZA NEWS
We see Tony Danza proclaim, "I forgot my Metamucil."
Graphic: BREAKING TONY DANZA NEWS
Did you hear the cost of visiting Disney World has gone up again? Yup. It's up to $99. We decided to look into some alternatives to spending $99 at Disney world.
ART CARD: "AFFORDABLE ALTERNATIVES TO DISNEY WORLD."
ANNOUNCE: "For $99, you can go to Disney World and meet the world's most famous mouse . . . . or for $2.50, you can ride the New York City Subway, and meet this little guy."
We see a clip of a guy sleeping on the subway. A rat scurries up his leg and sniffs around his head. The guy wakes with a startle.
GRAPHIC: "SAVINGS: "$96.50!"
ANNOUNCE: "Thanks for watching 'Affordable Alternatives to Disney World.' "

I have even more bad news for you. The cost of a ride on a New York City subway is $2.75, not $2.50. I guess some writers don't take the subway.

Hey, it's our stagehand Gene Szymanksi. He walks past Dave up to the camera. He pulls his own bottom lip down and inspects his teeth.
DAVE: "What? Hey! Wait? Gene . . . . Gene, what are you doing? Stop it! Gene . . . we don't want to see your teeth. Will you stop doing that?"
GENE: (still inspecting) "I thought I had something stuck in my teeth."
DAVE: "That's fine, but I really don't care. Could you do that on your own time? We are right in the middle of a show."
GENE (now standing by Dave) "What, a guy can't check his teeth?"
DAVE: "No! A guy can't check his teeth!"
GENE: (reading the next line on the cue card) " . . . A guy in Applebee's tried to pay for food with a $1 trillion dollar bill . . ."
Dave quickly puts a stop to it.
DAVE: "No. You don't read the jokes. I do that. Just get out of here!"

Dave finishes the joke. "Listen to this . . . . A guy in Applebee's tried to pay for food with a 1 trillion dollar bill. The cashier knew it was a fake after holding it up to the light."

Jeb Bush is thinking of running for President. It may be tough to overcome this footage . . . Hey! It's the George W. Bush montage of his greatest hits! Even though it's old, it never gets old.

ACT 2:
Dave shares that we have a large staff here at the Late Show responsible each day to put on the show. Do you know how many people work here? Oh, I'd say about half. Hey-Ohhhh! People come and go so fast that Dave doesn't always get a chance to meet, greet, and get to know them. Names are often hard to place with the faces. Therefore, Dave calls everyone on the staff "Dutch." Try it yourself.

TOP TEN - it's sponsored!
ALAN: "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by 'Winning Athletics,' makers of the first openly-gay basketball hoop. Strong. Reliable. Gay. Only available at 'Winning Athletics.'
Back to you, Duck-face."

TOP TEN: 2014 WINTER OLYMPICS MEDALISTS OR JAMES BOND VILLAINS
10. Auric Goldfinger
9. Vladamir Scorpius
8. Andreas Wank
7. "Pistols" Scaramanga
6. Freek Van Der Wart
5. "Brokenclaw" Lee Fu-Chu
4. Fanny Welle-Strand Horn
3. Maximillian Largo
2. Tie: Magnus Krog/Hugo Drax
1. Ted Ligety

ACT 3:
TED LIGETY
The 2014 Olympic champion in the Giant Slalom. He also won a Gold 8 years ago in the Men's Combined in Turin. The win in Turin was a big surprise; quite the upset. In this year's Giant Slalom, Ligety was the favorite and there was a lot more pressure to win. The slalom runs, depending on which slalom, can reach speeds of 70-80 mph. In the downhill, he's hit 100 mph.
There is a new style of ski this year and Ligety got the hang of it quicker than most. He leans way over into the turn and this is an advantage with this kind of ski. Ligety got on skis at the age of two, but didn't really fall in love with the sport until years later, around the age of 4. You ever watch little kids ski? Their low center of gravity allows them to stay up and go. It was always frustrating for me to see them ski between my legs on the Bunny.
Ligety is still in the World Cup season and has another 6 races remaining. The Olympics was just a detour during the season. Ted is right back to competitive skiing next week. He and other competitors like skiing on ice, but the conditions in Sochi was pretty warm. They weren't perfect, but they were the same for everybody. Ted says it is actually colder in the theater tonight than it was in Sochi.
Ted Ligety . . . two Golds, and will hopefully be going for more in South Korea in four years.

ACT 4:
While chatting about Ligety and the Olympics, Dave is interrupted by a bevy of informercials.
VT (Pocket Seat infomercial) - "Tired of walking around? Tired of standing on your feet? Oh, those folding chairs . . . how do you take a seat?"
DAVE: "Now that you mention it, I am pretty tired of standing on my feet."
VT (TV Hat) - "Then you need TV Hat! Private, portable, and hands free!"
DAVE: "That's impressive. Does it come with any accessories?"
VT (Potty Putter) - Your potty mouth comes with its own putting green made of the same material found on miniature golf courses."
DAVE: "Wow, how does it work?"
VT (Face Flex) - we see a woman making use of a mouth-stretcher.
DAVE: "Does it work for folks my age?"
VT (Teeter Hang Ups) - "I'm over 72 . . . . . and I feel great!"
DAVE: "Is there any downside?"
VT (EZ Cracker) - "Eggshells in my quiche!"
DAVE: "Well, I can live with that. How much does it cost?"
VT (Sauna Pants) - "Order now and get your sauna pants, plus the money-back guarantee for only $29.99!"
Dave picks up the phone to order.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE:
"Tune in Dave tomorrow as he welcomes Meredith Vieira, and Band of Horses. Coming up, he says 'Celsius,' she says 'Centigrade'! Can this marriage be saved?"

ACT 6:
KAT DENNINGS
From the big "2 Broke Girls" show on CBS. Kat had a severe injury recently. She was cleaning a butcher knife. . . . the wrong way, according to her mother. While scraping off some dried food off the knife, Kat fell into the razor edge. It was her right hand and she couldn't stop the bleeding. And it was a deep cut. Kat says she could see the bone. She looked for a bandage, a napkin, a paper towel . . . even a tampon! She had heard soldiers in battle would use a tampon to blot the bleeding. She wrapped it up in a paper towel until help arrived. She called her mom and, after some convincing, said she would be right over. Mom called back in 15 minutes to make sure Kat meant it. Kat had to convince mom a 2nd time to get her to come over. Mom and Kat then went to the emergency room. As anyone who knows anything about emergency rooms, you know there is a wait waiting for you. Mom then pulled the "celebrity card." She whispers to the nurse on duty, "I don't know if you watch television . . . ." And it worked. Right to the front of the line! Kat pretends that this is messed up. A celebrity shouldn't get preferential treatment in a time of crisis. And she then had to host the People's Choice Awards. Luckily, she was able to get a spangly glove to hide her nearly-severed finger. How many stitches? Three.

"2 Broke Girls" - it's one of ours! Look for it Monday nights at 8:30 on CBS.

ACT 7:
LO-FANG
From his album, "Blue Film," Lo-Fang performed "When We're Fire."

And that was our show for Tuesday February 25, 2014. I bailed. I couldn't get rid of the red underlined font as I typed up my Wahoo so I created a new file for my 2014 Wahoo. I will reinvestigate on Friday. If I still can't fix it, I'll have to call in a teenager to show me the way out.

Looking forward to when the Brooklyn Nets play the Phoenix Suns in Arizona.

Which came first, Al Kaline or alkaline batteries?

My 2004 Honda Civic doesn't beep-beep anymore when I turn off the car and leave the lights on. I'm very aware of this but the other day I was side-tracked when pulling into a spot here in the city and when I went back to go home hours later . . . . dead battery. I checked my trunk for some jumper cables, but nothing. I sat back in the car and took a moment to think. I did a second check in the trunk hoping for a miracle. And there way in the back was a bag a friend of mine bought for me one Christmas many years ago. It was an emergency kit for car emergencies. I never looked in it in all these years. Could it contain jumper cables? I unzipped the bag and . . . . DING! Jumper Cables! Also inside were some flares and medicines and bandages and . . . . . a pint of Johnny Walker! Now that's an emergency kit! So I now had jumper cables but still a dead battery. I waved down the first available cab I could find. This took about 20 minutes on 6th Avenue at 6:30 PM. Open taxis are hard to come by at that hour. I had a $20 bill in my back pocket. I found a $10 bill and put it in my other back pocket. I leaned in and asked the cabbie if he would jump my car for ten bucks. He declined, explaining he had a hybrid and the battery wouldn't or couldn't do a jump. Not sure how true that is, but it's something to look into. I slumped back to my car. Would I have to wait another 20 minutes to find a cab? As I leaned against my car, a cab immediately pulls up and asks if I needed help. His cab light on the top of his taxi was off, so I didn't think he was available. I gave a quick peek and saw that he had no passengers. I was a bit suspicious that he would approach ME and offer assistance when his cab was unoccupied but read as if it was. I explained my dilemma. Without saying a word, he jumped out and popped his hood. I ran and got my cables. We stretched my dinky cables but they would not reach his battery. He went and got cables from his trunk. His were too short, too, but we hooked up cable-to-cable and made the battery connection. We then waited a few minutes. I got in my car and turned the key. After a bit of difficulty, the charge took and the car was up running. We quickly unhooked our cables and put them away. I reached into my back pocket . . . the $20 bill pocket . . . and thanked the cabbie. He refused the $20. What? Is this guy nuts? I didn't even ask him for help and now he's not accepting my monetary thanks? Where is this guy from? I insist and shove the bill into his hand. Again he refused but I wasn't going to let him go away without taking it. He finally accepted and he thanked me but I was much more gushing in my thanks to him. What a nice guy. And now I feel as if I have to "pay it forward." Now I feel as if I have to do someone a favor. I hate having to do favors. But I guess I have to. It's only right.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


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